Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

[Starfish1]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Congratulations on EIGHT MONTHS, Ava. Thanks for being such an inspiration here! Everyone sounds so strong and I am so happy to have you all to look up to!
Wag, sounds like a great weekend ahead for you! Hope you have a great time!

I will also be away for the weekend, but will check in as often as I am able.

Love you all :l

[Pavati]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Hi,

LOVE the visit from Dreamy and Byrdie. Any time, ladies!

I have to report my dream. Someone poured me two pints of beer and I chose to drink half of one - I got a buzz I didn't even like and then AGONIZED about coming here to report it. I couldn't decide if I would come to the LOAM thread, start a new thread, or just individually PM everyone. I imagined the "sorry you chose to drink" and was just sick! Worst of all, I was back a DAY 1! It was awful. I will reiterate the proof that a sober community is where it is at. If I just had to lie to myself again I would have been all ok! (BTW, even in my dream I managed to start to blame it on my husband - after all I HAD told him about my problem - why didn't HE stop me!) In the rest of the dream I was being kidnapped by a possible serial killer (in a subtle way - more like a spy novel than a blood and guts movie), but I feel like it was the drinking that was the worst part of the dream!

Thanks for the biscuits - NOW I can get to work. I'll check in and read back more later.

Pav

[NoSugar]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Pav, if you drank at this point, I'm not sure I'd be able to deliver the standard line of "sorry you chose to drink". I'm sure I wouldn't type what I was really thinking but I have to admit, I would be really upset. This probably is wishful thinking but I truly expect anyone who participates consistently here to succeed. I don't want to scare anyone away from posting here because of "high expectations" but really, we all need to have those of ourselves and so, of one another, if we're going to gain and maintain our sobriety.

I had an unsettling dream last night, too, but mine involved dating one of my son's friends from high school ! I'm not a cougar, to say the least, so who knows where that came from. Brains can be SO WEIRD!

[NoSugar]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

As I follow-up to what I just wrote, I hope that anyone who does drink comes back immediately and gets going again. From all I've read (and observed here), the shorter a relapse, the more quickly and easily it can be overcome. Even if we're upset (more for you than at you), you would be welcome back with open arms :l. It is the disappearing that is the hardest to take. A couple of our Loamer friends are "missing" right now - I hope they come back soon.

[Ginger999]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

HI NS!
I follow this thread closely but I rarely have much to add to the wisdom I find here. Always know, I'm lurking and sneaking up on 90 days tomorrow.

[scottish lass]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Hi - huge long list to get done today before I head out tomorrow on my hols!
Feeling ready for this - happy mood which helps
Pav - your dream is apro pro, I have also thought how would I tell people, could I maybe not tell anyone - know one would know right?? But just imagine lying to myself - how crazy! I think it will just be the easiest choice to not drink- right?!
And as to your dream, NS, hmmm.....no comments here:H
Well off to get "stuff" done - there is a lot to do...
will likely check in tonight, not sure how much other checking in I will do, but looking forward to reporting in with 170 days under my belt and an af holiday done and dusted!

[j-vo]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Well, what timely posts and I'm sick to my stomach right now as I drank last night. I've let you all down and let myself down. I don't even know where to begin. I guess two days ago.

I was tired of being an alcoholic. I didn't want to be an alcoholic anymore. I didn't want to be the different one. I've always struggled to be normal, and that's what I wanted. To be the normal drinker. I found everything I could online saying that I could moderate. I got out my old "Responsible Drinking" book. I said to myself, I'm going to give it a go once again. I know that i can do this, because what I'll do is I'll work as hard at moderation as I do at abstinence. Makes sense to me. Complete sense.

The big thing here. I thought I might have an imbalance in my brain that could be cured. I've had such success with NS's diet recommendations, have gotten healthier with just eating whole foods and cutting out crap. I talked myself into believing proper nutrition and supplements tailored for my body would cure me of my addictions. Of my alcoholism. So I could be normal. I talked DH into believing all of this. I talked him into believing I could be normal. He was nervous about this whole idea. Of course. He didn't know what to expect. I had the plan. 7 units per week. I explained to him what a unit was. 5 oz of wine, 12 oz beer. I explained about l-glut. We had a long discussion, and he was still not satisfied with my promises and pitch to be normal.

Well, I said let me prove it. I took an l-glut under my tongue. I had my first 5 oz of wine. Didn't taste that great. Had dinner with another glass of wine. A $10 glass of wine doesn't taste great? Onto the last one at casino. No enjoyment. Woke up at 3 a.m. Couldn't sleep. Thought about what I'd done and the people I'd let down. It all came back to me that I'd never be normal. Ever. Not only will I never be normal, no one will trust me again. You all put so much time into me, and look what i did. I make myself normal in my head. WTF.

I told DH enjoy any of it. I would have been much happier with dessert and coffee after dinner. And now I"m on day one. And I've let you all down. And myself. And I"m still not normal.

In my two day haze of trying to think I'd be or could be normal, I likened my case to my students who have difficulty learning. I never give up on them. They will get it, just in a different way. I'll try every way that I can. Some are slow learners, some need to be taught using various modalities, so I'm kind of like them with alcohol. I can learn to moderate differently. I've shown I can take the time and put in the work to be abstinent, and I'll do the same and more to moderate. Just so I can be normal. Just so I can get it right. I wanted to be in the mainstream. I didn't want this disability. I fought with myself for two days straight, pushing myself into the normal range.

What made me know after I drank, even before i awoke at 3 am? I'll never be normal. Ever. I won't get the skill of moderation mastered. Why do I set myself up like this? Because I strive to be like everyone else. I strive to be ok. I want to know I'm normal.

Why didn't I call anyone to discuss this? Because I didn't want to be shown I wasn't normal. I wouldn't accept it. I don't need someone to tell me what they think they know. I know what they think. I know I'm right. Or at least I thought I was right.

I don't know what else to say. I'm sorry is all I can come up with. Sorry about whatever went through my mind these last few days and took hold of me. Sorry to all of you who care about me. I let myself down. I lost my days. I'm back to square one. You've all lost faith in me now, and guess what. I'm still not fucking normal.

[Starfish1]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Safe travels, Lassie! You so deserve to have a fabulous vacay!!!!

[Starfish1]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Oh man, Jvo :l cross post there! We have NOT lost faith in you! This is effin hard. Thats all there is to it. Back in the saddle!

[scottish lass]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

j-vo....:l so sorry my friend....I was so looking forward to you starting your new school year in such a good place - you seemed so excited....this is very sad, and I am so very sorry....

[NoSugar]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

J, I think I knew I was writing to you. The other times you gave up your days, you backed away, just like you did the last few days.

And like I said, I am upset and sad - for you. Because I know this isn't what you want. You want to be normal - well, normal here is not to drink alcohol. I think that is part of how MWO works - realizing that people you like and admire and become friends with are like you - they can't drink. It isn't weird to be a nondrinker here - it is something to be admired. It is great to all be together and not to feel somehow "less than". That is why there is so much emphasis here, in AA, and most recovery programs about staying connected. It is hard to stay strong alone.

And if you think about it, is it really normal for anyone to knowingly consume a known poison that is a teratogen and a carcinogen, affects every organ of our body, and is addictive? It is interesting how many people here, including me, go to great lengths to avoid other things that make us feel bad or are known to be bad for us. Consuming alcohol has, for various reasons, been normalized in many cultures. That doesn't mean that it is right or sensible.

We all love you just as you are J, a woman who can't drink alcohol. Please don't try to be someone else :l.

[Byrdlady]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Coming out of lurkdom to agree, NS.
This is a site for Alcoholics for Pete's Sake, if WE don't understand, who will? But the next best step is to get right back up! We DO believe in you! You will find your new normal. XO, B

[NoSugar]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

I was looking for this article for J-vo (Facing Yourself After Relapse | Addiction Treatment Magazine) and stumbled across one about the effects of one member's relapse on the other members that seems relevant:Why Relapse After Recovery.

[Starfish1]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Thanks, NS. Those articles are very helpful.

[daisy45]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Just lost a post! Grrrr!
J-vo,...we know just how you feel.....
You are a valuable member of this team! That still stands no matter what! We are about pulling together....try to get back asap......it will be like it didn't happen!
Ava, congratulations on 8 months! And enjoy being Sober Lunatic Linda and boogey on down at your son's big night!
Wags, glad to hear things are getting better with the paddling diva! Hope your wee weekend is great!
And thank you all for my birthday wishes......my daughter got a new car courtesy of her dad....so happy for her.....I always think of her as an 'earth angel'.....she is a special girl.......