Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

[wagmore]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

j-vo - Sounds like a tough but great conversation you had with your son. I'm sure this will open doors to future conversations and gradual understanding on his part.

On a related note, I am really hoping that Robin William's death will get a lot of people thinking and talking more openly about addiction and depression, as both are still currently quite stigmatized in most societies.

Pav - I do the same thing with not even allowing myself to contemplate having a drink. I had to do this, as I knew from past experience that the Al voice would somehow always win any negotiation or argument. Therefore, it's non-negotiable and that stops the back and forth in my head before it even has a chance to start. Not always easy for sure, but so much simpler.

LC - We're here for you and we believe in you.


I'll end this evening with a Robin Williams quote from an interview he did with Barbara Walters after he went to rehab (after ~20 years sober): Don't drink.

[lifechange]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Good morning Gloamers,

first of all, Ginger, Congratulations on 100 days of sobriety. Very well done!

I have made the decision that no matter what, I will make today my new day 1. I would love for it to be my last. At the moment, I don't trust myself or anything I say-- I haven't earned it. I don't want to be too hard on myself, I have to admit that I haven't been honest. It has been my pattern now that after a couple of weeks, a thought to drink enters my mind--usually involving long days with the kids-- and I don't even take the time to question what I'm doing. A quick thought of, "do I really want to begin this insanity again?" might cross my mind, but then I push it away. Then I drink for a day, always more than I planned to, because I may as well do it up if it's going to be the "only" day -- or I lie to myself with thoughts of moderating. Either way, within a day or two it's out of control and I can't/don't stop until I reach a new low. Today I am only going to worry about today-- and tomorrow, tomorrow. But after a while, I have to figure out how to break the pattern I have. I know what I need to do--but why don't I just do it? Just try it out? Like J-vo said, and Ava, NS, Pav, all of you Lovelies, the most important first step is ACCEPTANCE. Ultimately, this is what fails me. I see it clearly in my actions, on paper it's 100% sure that I'm an alcohol addict. But still, in my heart, I haven't accepted it. Why do I continue to fight myself? I loved the quote from Pinecone that you posted, NS. I am going to hold on to that rope and pull myself out so that in a couple of days my mind is less foggy.

[lifechange]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

hi Wag!
Could you tell me how you do that--don't even let yourself contemplate having a drink? I'm sure I used to do that and it's where I'd like to be again. But I can't think of how to get to that point. Acceptance, I guess. And practice.

[giraffe1234]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Pavati, I really liked your post on staying sober & living well vs being a dry drunk - some food for thought for me there.
Saving it for re-reading and re-re-reading later when I have more time.
Lovely day to you all
xx

[lifechange]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

I just wrote an email to my 3 best friends to say that I couldn't join them this Fri/Sat for an overnighter at the lake that we've had planned for months. I was afraid to cancel because I don't want them to be upset with me. They all know of my struggles with alcohol and would be ok with not drinking if I asked-- but I didn't want to ask. And more than that, I knew I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself, to face them honestly. One of them called me immediately and left such a sweet message. I know I have so many people in my life who deeply care. I'm so sad that I keep doing this to myself. I don't want to have a pity party, and I won't, but I can't stop crying. I want so badly to be out of the hell of relapse. I want so badly to be done with it. I want to live life and I want to believe in myself.

[available]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

LC i still love my house which is my comfort zone and sometimes we have to think of ourselves. When i first gave up drinking my sil came for a visit but did not stay with me and i just could not go and see her, we are very close but we were fantastic drinking buddies. There will come a time when you are strong enough to see your friends sober. protect your quit with your life, that is one saying i take on board, if we dont protect it then who will?

I always felt that i had lost my best friend with al and life would never be the same. It is never the same, it is better, so much better than fighting with al. Acceptance is a huge factor in getting al out of your life so take one day at a time. You will never feel how you do now when you dont drink.

We all have pity parties, god i just love my pity parties for one, NOT! But they are a part of being addicted, we always want what we cant have.

[Guitarista]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Good on you LC.

Right here walking alongside of you. Good to see you back friend. You should start feeling better in a day or 2.

G bloke.

[lifechange]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Thanks for that, both of you...:l

[available]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Us Aussies are always around when others are not LC, you can post like a lunatic if you want. no one ever answered me lol. I used to enjoy talking to myself!

[NoSugar]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Pavati;1692762 wrote:
I disagree one thing you say - Ava didn't just simply do it. Good point, Pav. Kicking an addiction isn't that simple. I meant it more the way the Nike ads about exercise use the phrase - quit making excuses and start doing what it takes to achieve your goals. It takes an incredible amount of effort on many levels to free ourselves from this.

A documentary I watched recently makes it clear why an addict can't simply "choose to stop drinking" without making huge changes in his or her thinking and life. A person who can do that - who gets a DUI or an injury and in response simply stops drinking - may, by definition, not be addicted but rather, has a really bad problem with alcohol.

lifechange;1692787 wrote: Could you tell me how you do that--don't even let yourself contemplate having a drink? I'm sure I used to do that and it's where I'd like to be again. But I can't think of how to get to that point. Acceptance, I guess. And practice.

I think this is where 'retraining the brain' plays a part, LC. The 2 things I did deliberately (feeling really fake at first) were:
1. To constantly be aware of and grateful for what is better now than it was then. This ranged from big things like not having a splitting headache each morning to small ones like not being hyper-aware of and ashamed about the contents of my grocery cart. These thoughts were like a running commentary in the background of my mind all day -- an improvement on the old one that had constantly been pointing out what a sham I was.
2. To mentally respond to every thought or desire to drink with a firm, simple "I don't drink" that cut off any internal deliberation. In an argument between the rational brain and the lizard brain, the latter almost always wins (it has to - that is the part that makes us do the things that keep us and our species alive) so it is crucial not to even allow a debate about whether to take a drink.

[j-vo]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

I disagree one thing you say - Ava didn't just simply do it. She posts like a fiend (still); is in contact here and in "real life" with many, many sober people; she has the full and honest support from her kids and mom; and she posts her ups and downs as they come. You may do the research and I may listen to the Bubble Hour, and while Ava does neither of those, there ARE some proven steps necessary to staying sober AND living well (as opposed to being a dry drunk or white knuckling sober person) that we all have been doing. Nearly all of what I have read (yes, I do that, too) includes a making the necessity of making a commitment to yourself in some way each day not to drink, and leaning on a support system.

Having a drink is not even a contemplation I will allow myself to have. I can read the mod threads because I have taken the choice of drinking off the table. This is where my reading has helped me. I know that I have crossed a line and am addicted to alcohol. I know this is a chronic disease from which I will never recover. As they said on the Bubble Hour (lots of pearls there, Ava, but don't worry, I'll keep sharing) - addiction is not a problem you can fix. It is a reality. You can't fix reality. Accepting this has made all of the difference for me. (Of course, I get the desire to drink - you have seen me post about it here, but I won't "entertain" the thought of maybe if... I acknowledge the thought and send it on its way using one of the many tools I have learned here).

I have a lot more to say but I'm heading to bed. Embrace and accept the fact you are addicted and no amount of wishful thinking will make it otherwise. Take care of yourselves and don't drink, no matter what.

This was an excellent post Pav. I believe I'm there with acceptance. Something about this last time and feeling the strong pull that I must get back to sobriety because I deserve it, because I can accept that even though I'm an alcoholic, I'm a good person. I fully accept myself, as imperfect as I am. My desires may come but they'll go if I use the proper tools, and I will. But I feel relief to know have this acceptance that I have right now. And I know I'll be ok. I can never drink. I will never drink.

LC, I'm glad you're back. We will all get there together. I know this. Our similarities with our drinking patterns shouldn't seem amazing to me, it's like we came from the same family. But really we are family in that this disease is so well-defined. And although each of us stays away from drink in one way or another, or we may have to rely on different forms of help, we can get through this. I believe that the acceptance thing is what's most important, or the very first thing that will keep us from drinking now. Let go and accept. We are who we are.

Going school shopping. Just the three of us! So grateful for this day.

[lifechange]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Thanks for the reminder, NS. Two fairly simple ways to begin again. The gratitude for the small things, even if my heart isn't in it 100%--and practicing saying that "I DON'T drink". Saying it out loud feels strange (because I have been ignoring my rational brain), but very good today.
J-vo, I am so happy for you that you have found acceptance. I was reading a lot in the Toolbox today and there was so much written about acceptance and how much peace comes with it.
Pav, your 30 day speech was very inspiring to me, as was your 1 year, NS. So many inspiring and helpful posts there. So many tools I'd chosen to forget.
I also found the link regarding relapse helpful. I can see that I haven't paid nearly enough attention to the first, emotional part of relapse. This is one Pav posted in the Toolbox Addiction Relapse Prevention Plan to Save Your Life
NS suggested that I perhaps look for some hands on support here--which I think I will do. First I have to find a general doctor who can prescribe me a therapist. I think we get 20 sessions right off the bat, which might be just what I need. I have a history with therapy and at some point I was so sick of the blahblahblah-- I couldn't imagine doing it again. But maybe if the focus is on getting sober and I can find someone with experience in addiction it could help.

I went out and got some healthy food and am looking forward to a delicious meal and a film this evening.

[wagmore]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

lifechange;1692787 wrote: hi Wag!
Could you tell me how you do that--don't even let yourself contemplate having a drink? I'm sure I used to do that and it's where I'd like to be again. But I can't think of how to get to that point. Acceptance, I guess. And practice.

LC - To be honest, I'm not 100% sure how I did/do this. I do know it wasn't like a switch that I flipped off overnight never to waiver again. Here are some things I know I did:

1. What I did first was to construct the living environment of a non-drinker. I got all Al out of my house and stocked up on healthy foods and alternative drinks like fizzy water. I set myself up to succeed, and I focused on a positive attitude - I expected to succeed.

2. I started exercising harder (I'd already been pretty regular).

3. I stopped joining social events that revolved around drinking (or even involved it peripherally at first).

4. I told myself "I don't drink" many times each day, just to get the message in my head. I still do this.

5. I put notes up around the house with positive messages - things like, "Your body thanks you for not drinking today." "If it doesn't challenge you, it doesn't change you." "The only way out is through." "If you aren't happy with the way your life is going, you need to do some things differently." Etc.

6. When a trigger arose, I told myself, "Well crap, I don't drink anymore so I can't just numb myself or avoid this _____, I guess I'll have to face it head on."

Step 6 was very hard sometimes. I had to deal with a few things for minutes at a time - I told myself I wouldn't drink for 30 minutes and then I'd reassess. Almost every single time, the urge had passed by the time the 30 minutes ended.

7. When positive pics of the drinking life tried to infiltrate my head, I would consciously replace them with negative pics and memories of the parts that sucked. This was easy, as so much about drinking sucked.

8. I looked in the mirror. I saw what Al was doing to my face and my body, and I could see through my eyes how unhappy I was.

9. I made a huge list of all the costs and benefits of drinking and posted it in a really obvious place in my house. There were dozens of costs (financial, physical, social, etc) and only one "benefit" - numbness.

10. I posted here and I read other people's posts. Sometimes I came here every hour.

11. I equated Al with some other toxin or drug I'd never consider taking. No way I'm gonna shoot heroin just to relax or numb myself. Absolutely no way I'd pour gasoline or bleach down my throat no matter how it made me feel. When I started thinking of Al purely as a toxin or poison, the allure decreased.

12 I celebrated every freakin' milestone, no matter how small. Not just days AF, but days where I'd drive past the liquor store and not even have it register until later. Days where I told people, "I don't drink." If I was stressed and I chose to try working out instead of drinking, I applauded myself for my positive efforts. You get the idea.


There were probably many other things I did at first and that I'm still doing without as much awareness, but those were some big ones. It helps that I'm pretty stubborn and competitive, and I tapped into that side of myself quite a bit.

Sorry so long, and not sure if this helps. The toolbox has loads of other ideas that people have used successfully. What you have to do is know yourself and understand what works for you, what motivates you. Minimize your known triggers and start becoming more aware of your unknown ones.

Recent discussion has focused on the fact that there is no single "right way" to do this. I totally agree, and I'd say even my personal best way keeps evolving as I grow stronger and wiser (and more resolute, I might add).

Really, the only universal factor contained in every successful quit is not drinking. Don't drink, and then find what works for you to support/maintain that from one minute/hour/day/week/month to the next.

Act "as if" you don't drink, really try to embrace and identify with this persona, and eventually you'll find you aren't acting anymore - Al will simply be off the table.

Feel free to PM me if you want to chat.

:l

[Eloise]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Oh lordie, lost long complaining post.
I guess you guys are lucky. Thanks for your link NS. Reading the relapse strategirs helps.

[NoSugar]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

I'm sorry you're feeling down, El :l. Just remember that whatever is up, drinking won't help in the medium or long run.

Wags, the positive approach you describe is so critical, I think. And --- there is (my favorite topic) brain science to back it up:

Positive Science
Your brain is a complex muscle with endless potential for positive thinking, but to understand how positive thinking works you must first know just how the brain handles it.

Every thought you think actually releases brain chemicals, particularly affecting cortisol and serotonin, the hormone and neurotransmitter that contribute to your body?s sense of well-being. When you have negative thoughts, your brain?s ability to produce serotonin is diminished and its levels of cortisol increase.

On the flip side, thinking optimistic thoughts decreases cortisol and produces serotonin, which contributes to a greater sense of euphoria. When cortisol decreases and serotonin increases, your brain can function at peak capacity. That?s right: Your brain works better when you think happy thoughts.

Positive thinking in general supports brain growth, as well as the generation and reinforcement of synapses (which transmit signals throughout the body), especially in the prefrontal cortex (PFC). Your PFC is the part of your brain responsible for cognitive behavior, personality and decision making. It is your PFC that allows you to translate your thoughts into positive behavior.

Your PFC is what needs to be as strong and healthy as possible so it can duke it out with the lizard brain and be in charge.