Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

[NoSugar]

Then I decided to get some vanilla - I don't keep vanilla essence in the house, moved to powder when I found i was drinking it!!! (I was so please when the bubble pod cast talked of drinking vanilla as no-one that I noticed had fessed up to that on the threads - so happy not to be alone) - but the pangs seemed to linger, so I stopped that...Just had a need to sign in and put it out there, feel fairly confident - well strong actually - but don't like these thoughts invading my sense of contentment..

I bet most of us progressively lowered our standards as time went on and we attempted to reduce our intake, SL. I had switched to the powdered vanilla years ago (I think it is better!) or would probably have been right there in the pantry with you! It would be nice to not have any thoughts of drinking but I think they become more like the thoughts of a person on a diet who can't have the tasty looking dessert - sort of just a wish that things were different.

I told him that it felt like it was someone else that used to drink and not me. Its hard to explain but i was like "numb" with all these emotions rolling over.

It is really hard for me to relate to the "old me", too, Ava. I deliberately try to relive it fairly often because I don't want to forget. But, our brains are really good at suppressing bad memories and now I mostly have memories of the facts but not the emotions. I can see why this is a difficult time for you, Pav, but in many ways, those memories can really serve you.

PaPa died tonight. Hubby onhis way to help his family at this time. I am holding down the fort here. It just happened so fast. 2 weeks.

This is so sad, LB. I'm also sorry that Mr. B has to deal with all of this in his early days of being completely drug-free. Tell him we're thinking of him and wanting him to succeed in his mission.

I still am in a funky holiday weirdness also brought on by this being the first time I'm reliving the end of my drinking without being drunk. It most distinctly was NOT a good time for me, but some of it was masked by drinking (I was going through periods of abstaining as well). I guess I am sort of re-feeling or feeling for the first time some of the shame and sadness of the end. I crossed a lot of "at least I never..." lines during that last year (and especially the last two months), and I have to face up to them now.

That reminds me of a memory I need to hold on to! From midsummer through Christmas of 2012, I made several runs at quitting on my own and had some periods of a few weeks but then... spectacular falls! Oh my gosh, I never want to go through that again. In some ways, the apparent successes made it worse because it seemed there was no way I was ever going to be able to maintain it. And of course, I couldn't, because I hadn't come to terms with the fact that I had to give it up for good. What a difference that makes! I loved your explanation in the NN about how the apparently conflicting notions of Never Again and A Day at A time are the ticket out of addiction.

Ava and SL, I've gone to the liqour store 3 times since I've quit, each time for cooking. The first time I needed just one can of beer for a french dip recipe, and I had to ask for help to find the bin with single cans...the young college boys minding the counter must have thought I was exceptionally cheap. The second and third times were for red wine for a beef recipe, and those times the older guy who owns the store was there. He didn't ask me where I'd been (which I planned for, but appreciated his silence on that matter) but I psyched myself up in advance for the surprise on his face when I just bought one cheap bottle versus my previous box of red and liter of vodka.

Think of all the things the clerks in the stores that sell alcohol know! They are probably trained to be discrete and not comment or ask questions! It is sold in grocery stores in my state so it wasn't too hard to go to different stores and different check out aisles to avoid "being seen" by the same person over and over but really, what a horrendous waste of time and energy! Was my self-image so shot that the opinion of a person I didn't even know would lead me to go out of my way to avoid his "judgment"? (Well, yes, it was).

We're all going to be faced with it in the coming weeks so let's practice "I don't drink!" :smile:.

[available]

LB i am sending my love to you and hubs on papa. Stay strong and be safe. You are in my thoughts at this sad time.

[little beagle]

Thank you everyone. It's kind of wierd but I feel really upbeat. I feel like celebrating life. That not drinking is SO important, but so doable.
I was cleaning for a couple who do drink today. As i was dusting the glass bottles filled with liquor, that sneaky bastard whispered into my ear how easy it would be to sneak a drink. Just one mind. I just sighed and continued on. The arrangement was clean and neat when I was finished and I just moved along to the next task.
This is my second holiday time alcohol free so I have already practiced. I do enjoy this time of year so much more with no regrets.

[jane27]

Lil, thinking of you and Mister B. I'm glad you have each other to support one another and that Mr. B had the opportunity to say goodbye to his Dad without drugs or aL clouding the moment. ILy

[Pavati]

Hi, All:

Yes, NS, there are memories I won't forget. The last full day I drank I was driving home after taking my son to soccer practice. It was morning and I was "sober" after drinking too much at a party the night before, but under the start of one of the worst hangovers of my life (I believe Ellie named it well - full body anxiety), and I rear-ended the car in front of me. I was inattentive and feeling like crap. We were driving very slowly and I looked along the bike path for some reason, to my left. The lady was so nice and didn't even charge my insurance (you couldn't tell I hit her), but it left me very shaken. What part of it was caused by my condition? What if I had been driving my son? What if I was over the limit at 11:30 in the morning? I drank that last night and then a couple the next morning to try to ease the pain of the full body anxiety and the mental/emotional anguish I was in. That was 12/1. I didn't drink that afternoon or night, and my first full sober day was 12/2. I wrote down that event so I could keep it in my memory. To this day, I don't know what caused that extreme reaction that weekend. I don't know if I had finally crossed a line to physical addiction (that scares the crap out of me), or if the circumstances of what I ate, how little I slept, how hard I had been struggling to moderate all piled on top of me until I collapsed. Whatever it was, I NEVER want to feel like that again.

LB - Is Mr B yours? Am I slow on the uptake, or what? I'm glad you kept dusting past those bottles. As John Irving wrote, "keep passing the open windows." Strength to you, dear lady.

Good night, all. As Narilly wrote in the nest, I am SO HAPPY TO BE SOBER!

xo
Pav

[peppersnow]

Oh God, Pav...I have a few of those experiences as well, that are so bad that when my mind goes there I find myself beginning to hum or say random words out loud, which I recognized many years ago is my subconscious way of trying to shut that memory off and distract myself. I've never heard the phrase "full body anxiety" before but that's perfect. Thank you for sharing that.

So, (deep breath), here's one of my last full-body anxiety moments before I quit. Last winter, I'd been drinking all day on a Saturday. I'd taken up smoking but hid that. About 3:00 I went for a drive on a back county road intending to go for a walk in the woods (and smoke without my neighbors seeing me), pulled into what was a parking lot in the summer, and proceeded to sink into 2 feet of snow. Had I been sober, I would have known not to pull into that lot. I didn't have my cell, had to walk to a country store and call a two truck. Then the two truck got stuck, and they had to call another two truck. About 2 hours later and 10 people helping my car got out. I sat in a car in the dark with the wife of the driver waiting (it was below zero). Turns out she's my kids' dental hygienist. I know she could smell AL on me, and the whole thing cost $400. The whole time I was terrified of law enforcement showing up because they had to stop traffic for the 2nd tow truck to get the 1st out. I got home and was physically shaking and couldn't stop and so ashamed of myself. The icing on the cake was when the sheriff called to ask if one of my teenagers had been on a joy ride with my car, which was reported to have illegally pulled into a closed county park lot and the fine was $300. I admitted it was me, apologized profusely, and he laughed it off and said they wouldn't fine me. When I got home, the physical response was so incredibly intense, which of course I nursed with more AL. I've never gone back to the store where I made the phone call from and I've made up excuses about not being able to take my kids to the dentist and have had DH drive them. I know I could have and probably should have been arrested that night and just barely escaped it. I know my judgement was impaired. I know I could have hurt other people. The shame is so incredibly intense even today as I retype that story - this is the first time I've ever told anyone. Unfortunately, I have dozens of those worst-moment memories in my archives and I'd bet you all do, too.

NS, I get what you mean about using those memories to protect ourselves in our quit. Without that experience, I'm not sure I would have ever quit. Although I kept drinking for another 6 weeks or so after that happened, until I finally woke up one day and decided that was it. I try to use those memories constructively to serve as a reminder of how much better my life is as well as the lives of the people I love. For that matter, the lives of complete strangers are better without me in the world drinking! How surreal is that to think about? I used to wonder, when I was drinking, whether I was dangerous to others, but now that I'm sober I know that I was. Shame isn't even a strong enough word. Never, ever, ever again.

Well, am off to be a productive citizen now, I guess. Time for work. I hope you all have a great day/evening!

[NoSugar]

Those are tough memories, Pav and Pepper. During the time that I was marginally succeeding at quitting on my own, I actually was sort of wishing for something like that to happen to me -- something that would mortify me without harming anyone. I seemed not to be strong enough to do it on my own (I wasn't!) and needed some sort of external force like your experiences.

I am going to remember your stories - those of wonderful women I care about and admire - and use them as if they were my own. They - and worse - could happen to anyone who drinks uncontrollably. If only people who haven't quit yet could open themselves up to learning from others and not waiting for their own rock bottoms - which might have much, much worse consequences than what you've described.

Thank you for sharing those stories. xx, NS

[little beagle]

Full body anxiety is such an accurate term. My whole body would just tense up and tremble in anxiety after drinking. Yuck. I do hold those memories close. I never want to feel like that again. Fear of going back to that keeps me from drinking.
Thanks Pepper and Pav.

[narilly]

Drinking made me SO sick! I have mentioned this many times but I had the worst hangovers. I am just not made to drink.
Thank you for your stories. I have lots but I am too tired to tell one right now.

Goodnight Gloamers!

[scottish lass]

Pav and Pepper - thank you so much for sharing! I had to do one of those runs to the grocery store on my way home tonight - these runs used to be welcomed for a different reason - I went into one of my regular stop offs, and no pangs at all - I had just read thru this thread on my phone and it was such a reminder of what we have chosen to give up, and just the reminder that I needed....

[Pavati]

Hiya, Gloamers--

Yes, Pepper, I still feel shame when I type that out. But more than the fender bender it is the drinking the next morning to try to ease the anxiety I was feeling. That's what was the scariest thing for me.

Thank fucking goodness that is all over. Good riddance. I had a thought today that when my kids are out of the house (6 years) I could try a controlled experiment with my husband and drink a bit. A fleeting thought brought back to reality by the memory of that bad time as well as the focus on all of the good that has come into my life since I quit. Why would I even want to drink now? I can't remember a time when I had one drink and didn't want more. I remember plenty of times when I didn't have more (although less and less), but not because I didn't want one. I know that even one sip would trigger that reaction in me, and take up all the brain space that has been cleared by quitting.

I hear you, NS. I sometimes feel lucky that I have those days to draw on. I'm not sure I could have quit without the memory of that bad feeling. I tried to cut back many times before, and could always find an excuse to start again. There's no excuse that would overpower the bad of that memory.

Good night, all.

xo
Pav

[narilly]

Pav, that always stops me. I KNOW one drink is not enough. If one is not enough, how can I ever be a normal drinker? Is two enough? Not really...
Normal drinkers can have one and stop no problem.

Those shitty stories still scare me and I remember them so I don't repeat them. Why would I do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result?
I guess people who are addicted do that.

Way to go SL on your 9 months!! YIPPEE!
Buy yourself something nice- maybe have ice cream and hot fudge mmmmm.
Have a great day

[NoSugar]

I had a thought today that when my kids are out of the house (6 years) I could try a controlled experiment with my husband and drink a bit. A fleeting thought brought back to reality by the memory of that bad time as well as the focus on all of the good that has come into my life since I quit. Why would I even want to drink now? I can't remember a time when I had one drink and didn't want more. I remember plenty of times when I didn't have more (although less and less), but not because I didn't want one. I know that even one sip would trigger that reaction in me, and take up all the brain space that has been cleared by quitting.

My problem really took off after my kids had left home, Pav. I think the fewer number of witnesses around enabled me to get away with it. I would have been caught "sneaking" with those extra eyes on me, I'm sure. My husband is neither very observant nor confrontational. That seemed good at the time but looking back, I wish someone had intervened.

I have no desire for one glass of wine - that just sounds irritating. Even the bottle I bought for guests recently looked really small. The thought of being hungover is horrible so the solution for me is to just leave it alone.

Hope everyone has plans in place for an AF weekend and Thanksgiving week!

[narilly]

I have no desire for one glass of wine - that just sounds irritating. Even the bottle I bought for guests recently looked really small. The thought of being hungover is horrible so the solution for me is to just leave it alone.

I second that!

[scottish lass]

Just read this NS and thought of you...

5 Ways to Detox, Lose Weight & Feel Great

So now that you know why you need a detox, how do you do it without pain and suffering? How do you take a shortcut to feeling great? Here’s a little secret that the diet and food industry, the medical establishment and Big Pharma don’t want you to know: Most of us are only a few days away from health and happiness. Even if you have a really bad case of FLC Syndrome or even a chronic disease, food is the most powerful medicine on the planet to fix it.

Be a turkey (a cold one) and take a drug holiday. There is no way to handle a true physiological addiction except to stop it completely. Addicts can’t have just one line of cocaine or just one drink. Go cold turkey. But you won’t have to white-knuckle it because if you follow “5 Ways to Detox” you will automatically reset your body’s neurotransmitters and hormones. Stop all forms of sugar, all flour products and all artificial sweeteners. They all cause increased cravings and slow metabolism, and lead to fat storage. This especially includes liquid sugar calories—a latte can have more sugar than a can of soda—that makes you eat more all day and drive storage of belly fat. Also get rid of anything with trans or hydrogenated fats and MSG (watch for hidden names). Ideally, for 10 days you avoid any foods that come in a box, package or can or have a label, and stick to real, whole, fresh food. And the best way to really detox is to give up all grains for 10 days. Give up all drugs, too. Caffeine and alcohol are the two biggest after sugar.

Power up the day with protein. Protein, protein, protein at every meal, especially breakfast, is the key to balancing blood sugar and insulin and cutting cravings. Start the day with whole farm eggs or a protein shake. I recommend my Whole Food Protein Shake. Use nuts, seeds, eggs, fish, chicken or grass-fed meat for protein at every meal. A serving size is 4-6 ounces or the size of your palm.

Eat unlimited carbs (the right ones). Yes, that’s right. Unlimited carbs. Did you know that vegetables are carbs? And you get to eat as much as you want. Unlimited refills! There is one catch. I only mean the non-starchy veggies such as greens, the broccoli family (including cauliflower, kale and collards), asparagus, green beans, mushrooms, onions, zucchini, tomatoes, fennel, eggplant, artichokes, peppers, etc. What’s out are potatoes, sweet potatoes, winter squash and beets—just for 10 days. Also skip grains and beans for 10 days. It supercharges the results so you lose weight and feel great.

Fight sugar with fat. Fat is not a four-letter word. Fat doesn’t make you fat, sugar does. Fat makes you full, balances your blood sugar and is necessary for fueling your cells. Along with protein, have good fats at every meal and snack including nuts and seeds, which also contain protein, extra virgin olive oil, coconut butter, avocados and omega-3 fats from fish.