Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

[narilly]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

The past is gone forever

I struggle with that everyday. I am one of those people who remembers WAY to much from my past and I used to think about it constantly. Now I am more aware of those thoughts and I really try not to do that. I was thinking today on my walk in about my Grad reunion in August and how I got so drunk and then I thought- "no way am I going to think about this now, its over, done, move on!" So then I started thinking about what to cook in the next week, you ladies, everything else but not the past!

Thanks NS for the links, I will look at them after work.

Thanks to you too Pav for the link to NS's post.

Thanks to everyone else, J-Vo, Humble, Ava, Dottie, El. Pat, Ann, G. So good to have these talks!

This weekend I am not going to drink. Tomorrow going to Blue Rodeo (awesome Canadian Band) My friend and I are going for supper and then the concert. Usually my goal of the night would be to get a good buzz on and then go to the concert and have a few more drinks. Nope, not tomorrow. I will watch the concert completely sober. Probably the first time in, um, EVER!!! My friend is totally cool with this because half of her family are alkies and it disgusts her.

Anyway, gotta go!

[DreamThinkDo]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

NoSugar;1610768 wrote: This affirmation has been my biggest struggle the whole time: The past is gone forever.
It was/is hard not to have regrets and to feel guilt/shame for my drinking.

Do any of you find this to be a tough one?

:h NS

NoS, yes and no. when I read the part of your post quoted above, a line shot into my head:
The past is a foreign country; they do things differently there. (For some reason I thought it was a French proverb, but clever Uncle Google tells me it's by LP Hartley.)

Yes, there are many things I regret: things I should have done, things I should not have done. There are things that make me cringe when I think back about them - but there also are many things that I'm proud of. Just as the good parts of my past make up me, so do the bad parts - I cannot erase them.

But: I've left that foreign country, I'm living in a much better one now. I still hold on to some of the old customs and habits of that other country, because they make sense to me and because I quite like them. I've also embraced many customs from my new country, because they are better, more productive, more positive.

I will always carry the old country in my memory, if only to compare it with the new one; the old country made it possible for me to move to the new one - and I'm very happy in my new home. I don't regret everything I had done when I lived there - just wish I had left it sooner.

[narilly]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

DTD, that's good! I really like that. I am going to leave that foreign country and enjoy my new one. That is a great way of thinking about it.
Thanks Sista!

Of cours thanks to Sista NS too!

[available]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Hey lovelies, damn so hot yesterday i could not be bothered to do anything except drink water and bitch about the heat, it is going to be in the 40's next week so i can tell i am going to be a bitch with a capital B. Normally melbourne is hot one day and reasonably nice the next but it is going to be a constant and i have no air con. So that is my bitch for the time being but .......

The past is gone forever, i always thought to myself over the years that i could live with it and i had dealt with it especially my father not talking to me for over 20 years but i never really let that go until i posted on my story the other week. I think being sober has made this al brain think about a lot of things that i cant change, the choice of changing the past is gone for me, the future is what is important.

Very impressed Nar that you will remember a whole concert, i can totally relate to that one. My last concert was Cat Stevens and i of course had a few before going, a few there and thank god my son was driving as we got pulled up for a breath test and he was on his L's so i should have been sober. thank god they did not test me is all i can say. Did not make me wake up though. enjoy that concert Nar and let us know how it goes.

Very well said Dream, i wish we were all living in the same country next door to each other with our juicers and coffee machines in hand. We could talk each other to death. I personally need one of you girls to be a great cook as i am totally useless now that would be much appreciated.

I have been watching youtube about gastric banding lol. Maybe i am subconsciously thinking i need to slow down eating ha ha and hoarders! I mentioned i bought sleep vitamins and well of course i thought they were doing nothing till i did not take one the other night and had the worst sleep so took one last night and slept like a baby, i love my sleep now. Funny how little things when not drinking mean so much.

Well i am off to clean the house, it was so nice and as soon as i started back at work the boys have done nothing, well not nothing but nothing like i had done.

I love waking up sober everyday.

[acadiaofmaine]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Hi all,

For me it's not just the cringe worthy things I did that bother me-and there are certainly plenty-but also the happiness I DENIED MYSELF by struggling so much of the time to be alone, isolated, drinking, worrying...the other night I felt so present and so happy to have given my kids a warm, yummy dinner on one of those terribly cold nights. I cleaned up the kitchen and got in bed with my books and the news. I felt peaceful. Peaceful. Not a feeling I allowed myself to have much as the kids were growing up. Sure, there was plenty of joy, and sometimes I was present, but all too often, I was paying lip service to being a mother, so I could finally be off on my own in my room. Sad.

But, as I was just reading above, there is new ground to cover and hope for the future. Guess I am feeling melancholy tonight!

Ann

[available]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

You nailed it Aca, PEACEFUL, that is how i feel. I feel bad like you i was paying lip service to my children but thank god they turned out just fine and they drink in moderation. They have so many drunken mum stories that make me cringe but we also laugh about them, god i have too otherwise i would cry. Now they are proud they have a sober mum and we cant take back the past. That is one aspect i would like to do regarding the children but they love me unconditionally with all my faults.

Melancholy sober is much better than crying into a bottle or 2.

[acadiaofmaine]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

That's for sure Available. Here it is Friday night and we're sober! A good feeling. I think I deserve a nice muffin!

My 19 year old is having a wisdom tooth extracted tomorrow, and even though he doesn't need me to be there, I plan on going there and sitting with him. He commented that he is worried about taking whatever painkiller the doctor will prescribe. He is so anti drugs and alcohol. May he keep it up!

Ann

[NoSugar]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Nar, HR, Dream, Ava, and Ann

It was good to read your posts- thank you. Once again, it is so reassuring not to feel alone. I'm not stuck wallowing in regrets all the time but once in awhile something like that affirmation reminds me that this is one part of becoming a sober person that is holding me back. I guess I'm kind of melancholy tonight, too, Ann. I'm sad about wasted time and squandered opportunities and letting people down.

As part of trying to be perfect and not make waves, I've not taken many risks so overall, I'd say I regret more things that I haven't done than things I have and the situation is the same here --- the plans I didn't make, the relationships I didn't nurture, the things I didn't create, the conversations that I rushed, the responsibilities I didn't take on, the kindnesses I didn't show --- all because I would rather drink.

But you're right, Dream -- a lot of good things were going on at the same time and I'm so glad not to have missed those! I need to remember to bring the good memories with me to this new country! Two people who don't post on MWO much anymore, FallenAngel and Kuya, really helped me get past much of my shame and guilt (believe it or not, this post shows progress...but I have more work to do on that affirmation!). Their main point was that all that happened - the good and the bad - make us who we are today. So if we can now become the kind of people we want to be, all of it will be worth it, and we can be even better people than we would have been without this experience.

Normally, when I'm remembering to be grateful about all that has changed, I am enjoying life way out of proportion to what is going on -- I get a charge out of making a plan for a future evening, knowing that I will really do it. I feel proud when I have a long, unhurried conversation with someone who I know just needs to talk. I love playing the 'designated driver' role - literally and figuratively - and being the person who can be counted on in just about situation at any time of day or night. I totally love not drinking.

Maybe a gift of all this is that if we never lost these pieces of our lives, we'd just go through the motions, taking much for granted and not noticing the greatness in the littlest of things.

Well, I've told my husband I'll go out tonight and even though it's not my favorite activity in the world, I feel good knowing that I will be going and not making up pathetic excuses. That is what I did in the PAST!

I hope all Loamers are set to have a wonderful weekend. It is great to have you back, Ann, and it was good to hear from you, Dream. I just love your take on things and so am really happy when I find your posts.


The past is gone forever. And it is time to let it rest.

[j-vo]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

DreamThinkDo;1610854 wrote: NoS, yes and no. when I read the part of your post quoted above, a line shot into my head:
The past is a foreign country; they do things differently there. (For some reason I thought it was a French proverb, but clever Uncle Google tells me it's by LP Hartley.)

Yes, there are many things I regret: things I should have done, things I should not have done. There are things that make me cringe when I think back about them - but there also are many things that I'm proud of. Just as the good parts of my past make up me, so do the bad parts - I cannot erase them.

But: I've left that foreign country, I'm living in a much better one now. I still hold on to some of the old customs and habits of that other country, because they make sense to me and because I quite like them. I've also embraced many customs from my new country, because they are better, more productive, more positive.

I will always carry the old country in my memory, if only to compare it with the new one; the old country made it possible for me to move to the new one - and I'm very happy in my new home. I don't regret everything I had done when I lived there - just wish I had left it sooner.

I love this DTD! I love these analogies and comparisons. It works for my visual brain so well. And I'd like to comment more, but I'm on my way to a big basketball game - one of our rivals, so it should be quite crazy. I'll read later. Have a good night.

[Pavati]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

DreamThinkDo;1610854 wrote:
Yes, there are many things I regret: things I should have done, things I should not have done. There are things that make me cringe when I think back about them - but there also are many things that I'm proud of. Just as the good parts of my past make up me, so do the bad parts - I cannot erase them.

Dreamy...

Hi, Everyone--

Great discussion. I can get stuck wallowing in the past as well - could do that pretty well about other things even when I was drinking. Now that I stopped, I have had some regret, but my dad - who is a wise man and the adult child of a terrible alcoholic - has always said to me, "you can't regret the past - your experiences have made you what you are today." I know one of you already typed that, but it is nice for me to remember my dad's support (I have a feeling I will be discussing him at length here - he is exhibiting signs of early stage dementia - ugh).

Another thing I tell myself that helps is how I would have forgiven someone else. My cousin (she was about 19) got plowed at my wedding - stumbling, sick, etc. I don't judge her for that or think she is a bad person - I just think she didn't know enough about alcohol to deal. The same is true of adults who I know have problems with alcohol and get too drunk at parties. I don't judge them - mostly I laugh with them at their "silliness." (Now that I'm sober I have a wonder about whether they are one of us). Nar - probably were a lot of drunk people at that reunion, for example.

Who we were/are in front of our kids is the same - we are all still parents, and we have given them the best we could. That's part of getting over the idea of perfection - good enough is good enough. They all had food, places to sleep, plenty of hugs, etc. They survived and they have mothers (I can tell by your posts) who are honest, real, imperfect people, teaching them how to be honest, real, imperfect people.

I like that Lao Tzu quote: "If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present." Obviously I don't want to over-simplify real mental health issues, but I try to always remember to be present and to live my life for today, for what I am right now.

Nar - I saw a concert when I was sober over the vacation - something I was pretty much giving up on enjoying when I gave up alcohol. As it turned out, I actually enjoyed the music even more, and I remembered the songs!

Ava - I am with you about sleep - I love being sober, too!

AoM - Yay, a sober Friday. The best part about that for me is that it engenders a non-hungover Saturday. Plenty to see and get done when you don't feel like crap.

All the rest of you loamers - happy weekend. I am so glad I found you (or rather, you found me and dragged me here!) Stay strong!

[Dottie Belle]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Pav my dad has Alzheimer's and I had to move him to an Alzheimer s facility...if u need to talk I am here.

[Pavati]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

HumbleRider;1610796 wrote: Hi all,
I have found it fairly easy to forgive others' behavior over the years ...

This is your help, HR. Forgive yourself!

[Pavati]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

x post, Dottie.

Thanks. I am having lunch with my mom tomorrow to discuss. I'll see what she thinks. He had his hip replaced in Sept. and was already seeming to forget a few things - since the surgery it has been much worse. I think surgery can cause memory problems, especially in older people (he is 79), but he doesn't seem to be getting better.

Thanks so much for your offer - you will definitely be hearing from me!

[narilly]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Well girls, enjoy your sober Friday.

Ava, I can cook if you clean! I am a pretty good cook. Tonight I made fish, ravioli and salad. It was yummy. No fresh fish here though, too much ice. I went to Costco for the frozen fish.

J-Vo, don't go too crazy at basketball!

SL, Pav, Humbler, NS, Ann, DTD, really interesting posts.

Dottie, that is tough about your dad.

Anyway, time to watch Downton Abbey and hit the sack.

[HumbleRider]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Reposted by NS in the encouragement thread, thanks for finding this. Great quote by Maya Angelou, thought it relates here too:

“I don't know if I continue, even today, always liking myself. But what I learned to do many years ago was to forgive myself. It is very important for every human being to forgive herself or himself because if you live, you will make mistakes- it is inevitable. But once you do and you see the mistake, then you forgive yourself and say, 'well, if I'd known better I'd have done better,' that's all. So you say to people who you think you may have injured, 'I'm sorry,' and then you say to yourself, 'I'm sorry.' If we all hold on to the mistake, we can't see our own glory in the mirror because we have the mistake between our faces and the mirror; we can't see what we're capable of being. You can ask forgiveness of others, but in the end the real forgiveness is in one's own self. I think that young men and women are so caught by the way they see themselves. Now mind you. When a larger society sees them as unattractive, as threats, as too black or too white or too poor or too fat or too thin or too sexual or too asexual, that's rough. But you can overcome that. The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself. If we don't have that we never grow, we never learn, and sure as hell we should never teach.”