Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

[scottish lass]

Thanks all - feeling better today. What is done is done and cannot be undone. I need to learn and move on.
I believe that this has been swirling since reaching a year AF - feeling that I must be cured. Yes, Pav - likely a lot of denial.
I did not go too far down the rabbit hole and feel that I can pull back.
You have given me what I need - a place to come back to without too much recrimination. I do appreciate the (quiet) kicks, and the overwhelming support.
I know what I need and what I want - I know that I have not completely closed the door and for some reason, this step eludes me - I have to work out what is stopping me.
I am glad I was able to be honest - I did regret that many times this weekend and just carried on, but I knew that was opening the door wider, so I did not do that and that makes me happy.
Working thru lots of things and glad to be here as I work thru them, and being real and true at the same time.
Happy sober monday!

[narilly]

SL, slam that door shut. We all know the pain that comes with letting AL back in to our lives. Glad you are working through things, that is a huge part of kicking this. Kick AL in the ass!

Pav, I loved your post. It made me smile because I thought the exact thing NNNoooooo!! I hope you are doing well Pav.

I spent a couple of hours looking for a job on the net and now I am done. I hate looking for a job especially when the economy is in the shits. I am Un Hung today which is awesome.

Anyway, have a great day everyone!

[NoSugar]

SL, I think you have helped many people with your honesty about what happened and how you're feeling now. I've felt like you were going to drink for awhile now given some things you've said in posts and some personal conversations we've had. But I didn't clearly and repeatedly say to you what I wanted to say. Why?

1. I didn't want to push you away.
Now, this is true but it is closely wrapped up in:

2. I didn't want you to be mad at me.
I didn't have the courage to be the one telling you what you didn't want to hear. But if we're only going to cheer one another on when things are good, this forum and thread aren't what we need them to be. But I also didn't speak up because

3. I've let myself be affected by some recent conversations and posts in various threads on MWO. In my regular life, I strive to be a liberal, open-minded, tolerant, inclusive person. Some recent comments have made me question whether I'm living up to my ideals here because the truth is, I do think abstinence is the answer for the majority of people who make it to a forum such as this. I guess I am an "abstinence-Nazi" but in reaction to comments such as these, I started doubting myself and my role here and have been trying over the last month or so to be more more open to alternative paths to non-addictive drinking (to other 'ways out'), with the outcome being that I've not posted as much other than in a couple 'slice of life' threads that I enjoy and have become self-conscious about expressing my (strong) opinions. I've looked into other forums, thinking that maybe I'd be more comfortable in a busier (with actual newcomers!) forum where I'd play more of a 'you can do it' kind of a role and not go on and on about abstinence, diet, science, and other topics that seem important to me but perhaps not to others.

Your post telling us about what had happened led me to write what I honestly believe about drinking yesterday. I was belatedly telling you things I wanted to say earlier but I'm also concerned that other Loamers I love could be affected by what happened to you. I may be wrong but I think you were affected by what someone else on MWO chose to do - not that the thoughts weren't your own but that it is easier to let them take root when someone else is, too. I do believe that recovery is contagious but I fear that relapse is, too, especially when it is someone you care about and identify with. And many of us here have that relationship with you.

You've given me the push I needed to deal with how I've been feeling about participating on MWO and to try to figure out what I need to give and receive from a peer support group.

I hope there is some way we can help you get to the point that 'never again' feels as liberating and joyous as it does to many of us.

Love, NS

[jane27]

I'm loving everyone's posts. Talk about healthy, positive communication. LilB, where are you?

[scottish lass]

Interesting NS - yes, I do feel relapse is contagious - it almost gives permission to do it, but I would hate for that to be an outcome of what happened. Please don't any of you Loamers join me back at start! Keep moving forward - yes, I am jealous and want to take last week back - but really hoping it has helped cement things for me.
I would hope I would not push people away or get mad at them - especially if they were trying to help me see the truth.
There was a little self fulfilling prophecy - I am not noted as one of those who are strong in their quit, or that others see as never drinking again - obviously as that is how I come across
I do admit I wasn't as transparent to myself as I was to the rest of you and was not so aware the writing was on the wall...maybe I needed a swifter kick! I did not have internet access last week, but some bit of me wonders if I would have just put off the inevitable if I had managed to stall.
I also want to be at the never again - it is not that I am trying to avoid getting to that point, it is just the honest truth that I haven't quite got there and don't know how to do it. I could say I am and try to talk my way into being, it sounds silly or weak to say I am not there yet - but it is my truth.
I love not drinking, I love being sober, I did not like drinking last week - it was not as enjoyable as I envisioned - so why can I not come to terms with this?
Work in progress.....and please - do not join me at the start...my relapse, or whatever, is not contagious!!!! I have been in solitary confinement and left the bug in the mountains!

[NoSugar]

I also want to be at the never again - it is not that I am trying to avoid getting to that point, it is just the honest truth that I haven't quite got there and don't know how to do it. I could say I am and try to talk my way into being, it sounds silly or weak to say I am not there yet - but it is my truth.

SL, the worst thing of all in my opinion would be to pretend you feel something that you don't. That would be like pretending you love someone. It just can't work in the long-term.
Keep telling your truth and if you want stories on how people made that mental transition, ask away - I'm sure you'll get a variety of responses and maybe one will click for you.
My being afraid of you being mad says much more about me than about you :hmms: - you've never come across that way.

[Dottie Belle]

Hello all
Fellow yesterday was a winner for sure. I think we are going to get together again on Wednesday. He wants to take a dance lesson...woohoo on that. He lives 5 minutes from me too.
I am meeting these men on a dating web site. The 4 that I want to continue to see have all given me personal information so I could check them out and they all seem to be what/who they say they are. I am trying to be careful and only been them in a public restaurant and dont give out my cell number until at least the second date. Strange new world of dating for sure.

[peppersnow]

If you continue to post, and I hope you will, are you wanting to put the subject to rest? What can we do to keep you interested, engaged and comfortable staying in the conversation? I see this as one of many firsts for our gang, and I have faith in all of us to get through it in tact and healthfully..

Jane, that pretty much sums up what I am thinking and wondering. SL, I've been MIA for a little over a week and just caught up. Like others, I'm sorry you drank, but so glad you didn't enjoy it and have no desire to go back down that rabbit hole. I'm a few weeks from 500 days as well, and would love to have you along for the ride to that milepost. You still are close to 500 days of living a sober life. I don't at all intend to downplay the impact of a few drinks...for me, I know that a few drinks or even 1 would not just send me down the rabbit-hole; I would eventually land 6 feet under, permanently, and I know deep down that it would happen quickly. Whatever you want or need from us in order to want to check in and stay here that's what I want to offer. Also, you've been so helpful to me and others - we are here to help you, too!

I've found myself wandering away at times from MWO not because I don't have internet access and am in the woods (which was true this past week!) but because of what NS referred to, in her reference to there being occasions when people have been pounced on in a way that I think skates beyond the line of "tough love" and into territory that is just plain hostile. Not in this group, but on other threads. I am glad you were able to be honest. That took courage. And I hope that you don't feel any of the toxicity that sometimes finds its way into the MWO community when people have the courage to be honest. And of course, for the sake of full disclosure and in complete honesty, I do hope you reconsider drinking again, especially if you know you didn't enjoy the drinks you had. But in the meantime, my biggest hope is that you are loved into staying here with people who care about you! :hug:

[scottish lass]

Pepper, and Jane (just realized I did not respond to you Jane) - I am here to stay! I know what I hope for and longing to have.

I do not wish to dwell on my week, but cannot hide from it - I want to grow and face things, including this - but really want to move forward.
I will stay engaged and happy in the conversation as long as I do not look in too many other places...that's when my sensibilities get hurt or offended and I want to stay away. Only got a few snide comments which do hurt, but not here and that is what really matters.

Pepper - I feel the help that you and the Loamers are offering me, and I will take it happily. I will be with you on your March to 500 days, it will be bittersweet for me, I will be so happy for you and so mad for me :hug:

As you can see, I am staying close to here at present, back into the office next three days so may not be as needy as I get back into routine - routine will help me too.

genuine thanks to all of you:hug::love::hug:

[little beagle]

SL I have been reading The Truth About Addiction And Recovery. One of the things that stuck in my mind is Life is a series of experiments. Some successful, some not so successful.
NS I appreciate yoir voice. I value your opinions. And I have missed your posts. I thought we were boring you.
For me life isn't easy. It never has been. But drinking never helped with that. It only made it harder. For me the choice is clear. Don't drink. Spirit said it best. I drank too hard too long for that to not be a part of my daily thinking. But being sober for as long as I have has given me the choice whether to drink or not to drink. And for today I chose not to drink. I am not going to open that door because it was so hard to close it. Beyond lies chaos. Death, destruction. I've seen my husband open that door on so many occasions. And he has never been happy with the results.
Honestly I'm terrified to drink again. Having quit and restarted before, I saw how rapidly I went down. This one is a keeper.

[narilly]

Well said Lil B. I feel the same way, this one is a keeper.

SL, talk to us.next time you feel the need to drink.
Nice to hear from you Pepper.

Time for me to go to sleep. Goodnight.

[jane27]

. NS I appreciate yoir voice. I value your opinions. And I have missed your posts. I thought we were boring you.

Lol Lil ! Good one!

Goodnight Gloamers. I feel really glad about the posts today...proud of our team....looking at the whole of it as a great opportunity for success. We all know how important it is to keep posting- I don't think anybody would argue that bad will come from that.

On the topic of changing old behaviors , I can vouch for the expression 'the pain of staying the same has to be greater than the pain of the change' . It's vague and specific at the same time. I guess it's in line with what 12 steppers call hitting rock bottom., but I never liked that expression. I found it to be a set up. Rock bottom makes me think of the homeless person drinking Al from a brown bag, or street junkies begging for money. The stigma of rock bottom was an ally to my habit because it let me off the hook.

On the day I quit , I hadn't planned it. Of course it had been on my to do list for a bunch of years, but none of the life milestones I hoped would be the golden quit rolled out in front of me. They came and went. On January 7th 2014 I woke up truly desperate. So desperate that I practically divided myself in 2 people. The person I had become, I put down for a long nap. The person that came forward had all the knowledge of my past mistakes, broken promises, lies, guilt & shame and for this reason, was extremely humble, quiet and cautious. When I look back I think the sound of my own voice even scared me. I was the least trustworthy person in the entire world with regard to my drinking. With old me safely tucked away in nap mode, new me went for quiet & simplicity. I was so mortified and humiliated that I can't call the new me mindset obsessional with regard to its one track mindedness. Obsession requires energy & I had none. My daily agenda for 4 months included 2 things, and the most important one was passive: don't drink. The 2nd - engaging on MWO required effort, attention & the faintest whisper of pride, self respect and hope.

When I think of quitting January 7th I think of divine intervention. I can't come up with any other explanation for how I was able to walk away from the glutton I had become.

SL I've been mulling over this stuff in relation to you. I have questions. How do you think you lost the drive maintain your quit? Did enough time pass that the bad memories of old drinking days had faded? What changed? When did it start to change? Did it fool you, or did you know? If you retrace your steps, where was it that you think left your sober self behind?

Ava, I'm so glad Robert made it through his surgery, and also that you got to feel the rain on your face.

Im thinking of all of you with great love. You are my family. Xxxx

Ps SL had a lot on my mind and didn't do a thorough read back before posting. Your last post answered all of my questions. I understand very well that you're aware you've not reached that DAY, but for me knowing that I hadn't reached the day was followed in a clap by THE DAY...and there weren't any bells to announce it when it came. Don't be surprised if your quit finds you sooner than you think. When it does, you won't let it go.

Also....
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[NoSugar]

You guys definitely are NOT boring :congratulatory: !
I guess TT must be on her European adventure - I hope she gets a chance to check in.
I don't know why I finally quit when I did, either, Jane. For some reason I was finally sufficiently sick of myself. But being truly glad not to drink takes time and effort. I wish it were magic or a secret code we could share.
I'm glad this is a hostility-free zone.
xx

[peppersnow]

Well, I've had a kind of crappy morning. Received an anonymous tip that one of our staff was using, and my boss instructed me to arrange for UA tests for the whole staff. The person we suspected declined the test and admitted she would test positive for meth, so that's that. She spent time in treatment over the winter, so this is a relapse. Single mom with a toddler she adores, and such a very sweet, compassionate person who would do anything for anyone. When she got out of treatment, I outed myself to her and offered support. She showed me her one-month medalion from group meeting and was very proud. Her performance became off again a few weeks ago, as far as not seeming to understand directions, strange responses to emails, lots of sick days, etc. I knew the signs but didn't want it to be true so didn't ask her.

On a related note, I think UA tests are really unfair, because drugs stay in your system so much longer than alcohol. With our testing, a person who does meth 3 days ago will test positive today, but a person can get hammered out of their minds on alcohol 3 days ago, 2 days ago, and possibly even the night before and the persons' test will be negative or, if positive, likely not positive enough to trigger disciplinary action. There's another young person in my office who I know has a drinking problem, and constantly calls in sick. But because AL is legal, there aren't any consequences. I sometimes wonder -- if there were consequences, would I have stopped drinking sooner? I think I might have.

I hate, hate hate alcohol.

[narilly]

That's sad Pepper, I really hope she can beat her addiction. I hate AL too.

Jane, we do have a good team which anyone can be a part of, of course. No one said it would be easy and we are all going to have our rough times but we will get through.

Ava, I'm thinking about you. Glad Robert pulled through..

SL, nothing like going to work to keep your mind off things. I am still looking for work myself...blah.

Talk soon.