Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

[jane27]

Well, I've had a kind of crappy morning. Received an anonymous tip that one of our staff was using, and my boss instructed me to arrange for UA tests for the whole staff. The person we suspected declined the test and admitted she would test positive for meth, so that's that

Gosh Pepper, that is really upsetting. The things I have read and heard about both Meth and Heroin scare the crap out of me. Did the woman look like a meth user? I have met seemingly normal people that on the surface appear no different than anyone than me or anyone walking down the street, and they've told stories of trying one or both. Just the expression on their faces scares me- "it was soooooooooooooo good. Don't ever do it." Jesus Christ, you can count on that. If its sooooooooooooooo good, I know exactly what would would happen, and yet I think that maybe sometimes a person may think, "I'm above all this- I have a job and an expensive haircut- I'm not going to go to hell in a hand basket over trying this thing once. I just want to know what its like. " And they do try it, do get hooked, and do go to hell in a hand basket.

I have become intrigued by heroin in a don't think about purple elephants kind of way. I'm not thrilled with it. I don't feel scared that I'm going to pursue it, but when I think back to my drinking days- good intentions left the room with one sip, and inhibition followed shortly after. I've trained myself to fear heroin appropriately; my gripe isn't about that- my gripe is about the power of the word don't, and how it attracts me like a magnet.

I know this is a leap, but an example of another scenario where I feel pulled in a direction I'm not supposed to go is the Grand Canyon and heights. I had to stay 100 steps back from that Canyon- any closer and I felt the urge to lie flat on the ground in order to gain a better grip on the earth. Maybe unrelated issues, but wondering if anyone else has experienced or dealt with either?

[peppersnow]

Hi Jane - no, you couldn't tell by appearances. In fact, the people who tipped us off said that it's almost impossible to tell when she's high because she acts the same all the time. She's ordinarily a pretty happy-go-lucky, high energy person and apparently that's how she seems when she's high, too. Scarey. She also abuses Vicodin, which is what she prefers, and uses meth when she has trouble getting the pills. It's just very depressing...she was crying and just felt so much shame, and kept apologizing for disappointing me. She said she thought she was doing well, and work kept her so busy that she missed her meetings but she thought she could handle it. Now, I think back and I never asked her when her meetings were. We would have totally let her go - I would have made her leave work to go to meetings if I'd known that she was skipping meetings to be at work. I tried to say the right things - used some lines from Byrdie I remembered - but it was just f'ing awful.

The health providers in the community I work in all say that the pills are the biggest problem because that's how people start and get hooked, then move to heroin or meth. Around here, some dentists will give out vicodin like candy even to teenagers -- makes them very popular dentists. Kids get vicodin for sprained ankles, even, and youth are especially susceptible to opiate addiction. My SIL is a hospital pharmacist who works in research, and she said that regulation of how vicodin is prescribed will be tightened up soon, but not soon enough to save kids and others from addiction.

[jane27]

Pepper, thanks for sharing the story. I have heard that about Vicodin. It never did very much for me (thankfully). 1 Percocet used to be a slice of heaven but ever since I started the heavy drinking, they don't do anything for me either (other than kill the pain). I guess I got lucky on that!

[jane27]

A1 cruised in and out at 7pm and 710pm. What little he says is barely audible or dismissive. Hubs is just taking it. Say he'll get into it with A1 at Thursdays shrink appointment. I asked A2 if he had any input or feedback to offer and he said no. I feel like a victim and and an abuser all at the same time. The victim piece is because hubs would like me to just go along with things- the abuser piece because I feel so angry at him that I want to lash out mean things, and I really don't want to do that. I think A1 and I are pissed for the same reason- because his father isnt rising to the occasion. Its so weak. Its cowardly. (< I hate that I wrote that & I feel like as asshole for thinking it)

[little beagle]

Non confrontational. That's the word I use Jane. My hubby is like that with his daughter too.
I'm sorry you had to go through that Pepper. But she is responsible for her own sobriety. As we all are. I have seen loved ones relapse over and over and no matter what I've done t o help them it hasn't stopped them from doing it. And it's so painful. I understand your frustration.

[scottish lass]

Hi all - busy day, we moved into a new office today, well half of the office did - the other half in a month. I love routine and this si all mixed up, but at least I was busy.
Sorry about the co-worker Pepper, that is tough...
LB - I wish I did not need to experiment, interesting consideration.
Hi NS and Jane...
Nar - so sorry about the work situation....it would bug me in all sorts of ways, I like to be busy and needed apart from the financial impact. I hope something wonderful turns up real soon!
Will chat more later...

[narilly]

Thanks SL, I am sure things will turn around soon. Glad you are busy.

Time to sleep now.
Looking forward to an UnHung Wednesday.

[jane27]

Hi Gloamers, hubs and I had a good talk. In a nutshell, he doesn't know what to say to A1... Scared he's going to say something he'll regret, scared I'm sure of pushing him further away. I am feeling so demeaned , disrespected & even a little bullied- and that makes me angry. Luckily I don't see him that much, because I'm close to the boiling point. Miss you guys. Xo

[treetops]

Quick pop in. Sorry you are having to deal with this jane. It's really awful. Remember what I said about how women so often end up taking the crap in family dynamics. Does hubby know how you feel?
Sorry I have to dash. Off to explore Brussels! Flown here from NZ. I have been in touch with SL so you know I am part of the support group esp with our goal of long term sobriety.
Love to everyone else

[narilly]

TT, Brussels? That sounds fun. I would love to be doing that right now. Have a great time!

Jane, your role in the family is probably one of the hardest roles to have. Hang in there and keep communicating with your hubby.

Well, off to job hunt some more. My hubby just went to meet someone to get a reference for a job. Hopefully something will come through. Thank goodness we have EI (employment insurance) in Canada and so we get some money every 2 weeks. That is is life saver.

Have a great sober Wednesday everyone.

[jane27]

Thanks TT & Nar, Enjoy Brussels! Hubs knows how I feel but gets drained by family emotion. I have to get it out because I'm scared if I don't, I'll slowly get jammed up/ numb/ lost then drink. I'll be the first to admit that I am intense by nature and can be & hot tempered. I'm doing my best.

The kids are with us this week, which means our helper is too. A1 is supposed to be working 4 days per week at the job I arranged for him (which he never thanked me for or acknowledged). At 12pm he texted our helper to please drive his journal over to his mothers house and leave it on the front steps- not to come in. That he would pick it up later , when he got home. I called over to my old job (which is where I got him the summer job), and sure enough, he told a lie in order to not come in. Our house is less than .5 a mile from his mothers house- where his father confirmed, he is hanging out for the day. If everything was above board about blowing off work today, why did he have to summon the babysitter via text to drop off his stupid journal? Talk about drawing attention to himself. I told my husband that the last thing I want to see have happen is ultimatums get thrown around, but if nothing is going to change, I don't see how that's avoidable. What a pain in the ass.

Nar, good luck job hunting today ! xoxox

[Dottie Belle]

Hi all,
Been testing the dating waters. It is very interesting. I have 3 fellows who have moved on to a second/third date. One fellow fell off the truck when after 3 dates he wanted me to move in with him...yea sure i want to do that.....OMG....I think he is underwater with his house and looking for someone to help him out...that is NOT me....
Date later not sure what we are going to do...

[NoSugar]

Sorry I'm too tired to comment much but I've read all posts and hope things improve where there are problems and continue going well when they are. I had one of those long, frustrating days that seemed to last forever. I was grateful, though, for the hours between 4 and 7 that I had available to deal with some stuff - my days used to essentially end between 4 and 5 and I had to face whatever didn't get done the next morning... I'm not going to beat myself up about all those wasted hours (or calculate lost weeks and months of time!) but it sure motivates me to never agains sacrifice my time to a drug.
Take good card of yourselves. xx

[little beagle]

I feel the same way NS. No more "lost" weekends. If things don't go exactly the way I plan it's ok. Because I know that at least I've rested. And that is not a waste of time.
TT have fun. I'll be thinking about you.
Jane sometimes ultimatums can be useful. I've had to use them before. When SD lived with us that's the only way we could get her to do anything. And yes we followed through. Even hubby came to realize t hat he had to stick to it. Otherwise she just walked all over us. And yes she eventually had to make her own way. I'm sorry for the stress you are feeling right now though. At least getting it out is a bit of a release. Call me if you get overwhelmed and I'll try and make you laugh at something.
My new beagle Sadie ruptured a disc in her back. I'm not sure how. But my arms are sote from carrying her outside. I've put a pillow and blanket in a laundry hamper and give her rides around the house in it.
Ava Robert is looking pretty good. I hope he feels better.
Nite all.

[jane27]

Hugs Lil, NS, Nar, TT, SL & all my Gloamers. Tomorrow is a new day. Love u guys