Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

[jane27]

Wishing everyone a good MAE! Also very proud to be a LOAM.

[Pavati]

Very happy to be a loam myself.

xo
Pav

[scottish lass]

Happy to be a Loam this Monday - so much reflection over last few weeks, bit of overthinking (of course), but so much appreciation of being AF. Back with a feeling of contentment even though it is a Monday and my list to get done is so long. I want to bottle this feeling and spray it as needed.
Busy work week, summer school girl is supposed to get homework this week so evening nagging starts again, other girl is doing nothing she agreed to and watching way too much TV - so that nagging too - hate being a nag...especially as I think the summer time needs to have some degree of fun.
Cooler today, will enjoy before the heat starts up again.
Pav, were you out hiking this way?? If so, where did you go?
Morning Jane, NS, LB and Nar - love my LOAMing support, thank you...

[treetops]

Hi there loamers - great to be part of this group.
Well done Nar - on dealing with the wine temptation.
SL - don't feel guilty about nagging - us Mum's have to instill quality control and time management in our offspring - note my use of terms! I am even nagging my daughter via Skype - although she seems more onto things when I am not there than when I am around. Probably because I can't see exactly what's going on.
Anyway keep the positive attitude going ladies - but don't beat yourself if you have down days too. All part of the human thing.
OK - confession time - I had a huge waffle with cream, ice-cream and strawberries for lunch. But I will have salad for dinner!

[jane27]

Morning Loamers,

Despite the fact that my sobriety is healthy and in tact I have this weird feeling of storms brewing inside. Like I'm stealing from Peter to pay Paul. There are always a lot of balls in the air, but maybe a few more than usual?
A1 & A2 teenage moodiness
MIL's transition into her new home
Having to get MIL's home sold
Hubs health conditions (the stress of exacerbated from being declined for long term care insurance)
The ongoing issues with this house (plumbing, electric, HVAC, mold- you name it)
Chronic health issues
Establishing relationships with docs here in NJ
looking at our finances so we can operate with the lights on
hubs 50th
the family vaca next week
our own family vaca with the boys to Seattle in August
being in charge of everything home/personal related

I think the stealing from Peter to pay Paul part has manifested itself in unhealthy eating (cramming anything sweet down), and numbness/the pervasive feeling of wanting to escape- which I react to by going online a lot. Even though I don't have a job to show up for, the time spent when hubs is at work isnt fulfilling my need for alone time, and I feel this weird negative thing of wanting to peel away for chunks of time when we're at home together. I am not present when we're watching dinner after eating tv But really, I'm not. I fall asleep- I space out - I don't want to be there, and I feel very guilty about it.

Keeping up the appearance of everything being OK = me simmering & easily annoyed. Underneath that layer, I feel like a stressed out mess that is barely holding it together (but doing a pretty good job of handling the stuff on my plate), and underneath that I feel angry as hell.
I'm grateful that I can sense these feelings, but not sure of what the first step is to getting them sorted out so I don't feel so artificially divided into various buckets of keeping up appearances. My shrink used to say, "Where are you in all of this?". I don't know what the answer is. Cramming low sugar cookies in my mouth, lying numbly in bed, hurriedly folding laundry, making calls, paying bills etc to make up for time lost lying numbly in bed. I don't know WHERE I am in all of this. I feel invaded by other people needs, and scared that if this becomes known I'll be regarded as a failure. Even worse, that I'll lose them, because I don't deserve them anyway. I'm here to work' kind of like an au pair. That's the deal I signed, and there simply aren't enough hours in the day to include myself in the picture. I'm so annoyed by it, that Id have to build in an hour of punching the walls in a padded room before I could even get an idea of what me needs. Exercise of course is a natural fit in that regard. And Ill do that.It will help to burn the anxious energy. What I'm not sure about is how to get back to being happy to be here.

Wishing everyone a great day.

ps and just remembered that MIL said she'd be dropping by today. Tomorrow is hubs 50th and they have a family/cultural tradition where she drops of rice pudding the morning of their birthdays so that it is the 1st thing they eat that day. (She's dropping it off a day early since she now lives a bit farther away). She's coming over for dinner tomorrow night, but that wouldn't take care of the 1st thing in the morning piece, hence the extra trip. i:

[Dottie Belle]

NS I have not had any issues on the not drinking thing with dates. One fellow has a 15 year AA chip so he gets it.
The other 2 didn't seem to care. I did not volunteer any info on the why but did say that I am into exercise and healthy eating so maybe they just assumed. No need to know at this point.
Seeing John tonight I think. Art wants to know my schedule so we can make plans and Bob comes back in town Thursday....Crazy for sure!!

[scottish lass]

Gosh Jane - not sure what to say, or maybe there is not anything to say....
If I maybe so bold to make a suggestion - a mantra we hear at work is you get more of what you pay attention to. As I worked my way through my decision to drink and was working out all the reasons (or excuses) that I could as to why it was 'allowable' for me to make that choice, the rationale for staying in that place continued. When I started to focus on truly why I did not want to drink, things began to slide that way.
You have made two long lists that I have seen recently and are really down to read, so living them must be tough. Is there any way to print it and make yourself a bonfire and then make a list on the other side? Everything that is good - even the little stuff? It really did help me - if this is not what you are looking for just now, please ignore.
I have a lot that worries me, makes me regret choices, makes me wonder if I will ever climb out - but as I made these things forefront, they became overwhelming (to the extent you were worried about me:hug. I have made a conscious effort to think on the other side of the list (like a pro/con list) and feel so much lighter...
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[jane27]

Thanks SL Very good advice. Some how putting it down here helps me a few different ways. By sharing these things publicly with you guys, I feel I get a more accurate census for what's brewing beneath the surface. By rounding up my troubles on a list, I have effectively taken inventory which gives me the bit of distance and breathing room I need to look for the positive. I guess it's a 2 part thing for me. The main reason I'll resort to listing things that are weighing on me negatively is because I know that if I don't, it could begin to clog my emotional pipes. Like mold only growing on organic matter, residue in my pipes attracts residue. Residual buildup impacts flow. Listing the stuff is my preventive maintenance tool for avoiding log jams. Emotional log jams are a serious threat to my sobriety. I don't know why sharing this negative stuff helps to lighten my load, but it does. Now I'm going to take your advice, turn ir over, and look at the good side,....focus on the stuff I want more of. Beautifully put. Thank you!

[peppersnow]

Hello all -- crazy weather here today. Storms with rain coming down so hard you can't even see out the windows, and 10 minutes later it's beautiful and sunny. Then rain again, then sunshine and now huge winds. My moods have been stormy today, too, now that I think of it.

I'm just popping in to say how much I love being sober, and I love me on Monday mornings...but geez, I'm sick of coming in here on Monday mornings and seeing a few of my staff so hung over. I have a 2-hour commute, so had to get up at 4:30 and leave my house by 5:30 in order to get here on-time (which I never could have accomplished when I was drinking) and the rest of my staff live within 5 minutes of work. And guess who was the first one here today, while our front-office people who are supposed to be here at 7:30 didn't roll in until 9:00? I was pretty peeved, and my supervisor heard me rant about it so she took the liberty of chewing my staff out for me while I was out at a meeting.

I go back and forth between feeling tremendous compassion for people in the throes of alcoholic drinking on one day, and then severe annoyance and no patience with the same person the very next. And when that happens, I feel like a hypocrite, to boot. Anyway. It makes me reflect about what my husband went through, and the anger he had toward me. Which is where the hypocrisy comes in, as I tell myself that I owe the alcoholics in this world tremendous compassion and understanding.

So that was a quick vent for me, and tomorrow I plan on showing up here at work as a bucket of sunshine. I do need to address this issue with my staff person who seems to be on the road to a serious problem, but need to make sure I'm in the right frame of mind and on the compassion wagon when I do it.

[jane27]

download.jpg

Hmmmm, this guy knew a thing or 2!

[NoSugar]

I go back and forth between feeling tremendous compassion for people in the throes of alcoholic drinking on one day, and then severe annoyance and no patience with the same person the very next. And when that happens, I feel like a hypocrite, to boot.

I can totally relate to how you're feeling, Pepper. Now that I know it is possible to quit and that life is so much better afterwards, I just want everyone to stop messing around and do it. Drunk people irritate the heck out of me and I find it so boring to be with them while they're getting that way. Your situation with hungover employees would be tough to take. Part of it probably is that we especially dislike things we hate(d) in ourselves. I felt a little better about being so hypocritical when I read this in a David Sedaris essay about when he stopped smoking with some sections about when he stopped drinking because at least I wasn't the only one:

“All right,” I said to him, “this is it, my final one.” Six minutes later, I pulled out my pack and said the same thing. Then I did it one more time. “This is it. I mean it.” All around me, people were enjoying cigarettes: the ruddy Irish couple, the Spaniards with their glasses of beer. There were the Russians, the Italians, even some Chinese. Together we formed a foul little congress: the United Tarnations, the Fellowship of the Smoke Ring. These were my people, and now I would be betraying them, turning my back just when they needed me most. Though I wish it were otherwise, I’m actually a very intolerant person. When I see a drunk or a drug addict begging for money, I don’t think, There but for the grace of God go I, but, rather, I quit, and so can you. Now get that cup of nickels out of my face.

[Pavati]

Hi, Loamers:

Good stuff for me to read today because...

I WANT A DRINK!

There, I said it. No, I don't REALLY want a drink, but tonight I have had the AL voice talking to me saying "you know it would take that buzzing anxiety away. It would feel warm and smooth..." I know that voice is lying, but he is LOUD tonight. I know the reasons - a lot going on with husband, work, family and consequently little exercise and bad eating. I will pull it together as my husband starts to feel better and I get some time off work.

I needed to come here and vent, and now I feel better.

I am not worried I will drink, just very irritated that it came to me so loudly tonight.

SL - THANKS for what you wrote. I needed that.

xo
Pav

[NoSugar]

Good thing you don't drink, Pav - that voice can be quite convincing. I'm sorry you're stressed, though, and hope things calm down in your life soon.

DB, that is great that you've been matched with men who are respectful of your choices and don't ask a bunch of questions.

Jane, a lot of people post about meditation, mindfulness, staying in the moment, the Power of Now, etc. etc. You might find some of the techniques really helpful - I have. Another great tool for calming your mind is simple forgiveness - it's in your power not to let people keep hurting you. I hope you can let the non-essential worries go and find some peace.

xx-NS

[little beagle]

Lots of great post's today.
Pav I hate that stupid AV. I pretent to stab that monster in it one giznt eyeball, yes viciously, when it starts nattering at me. It seems to shut it up for me.
Jane you do have a lot on your plate. I hope it lightens up a bit after the big birthday.
Pepper, I too feel torn between compassion and annoyance when confrontedcwith addiction. Especially with my loved ones.
Very quiet day here. Hubby is still working out of town. They bid on another building, so it's going to be for quite awhile to come. The quiet is nice though.

[scottish lass]

Don't join me Pav! I promise you it's not worth it!
Hopefully you can work thru this, how can you get some exercise? That would seem to be key. Are you still in school or has your schedule lightened any from that aspect?
Well done for posting before - just think how happy you are going to be in the morning xx