Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

[narilly]

Hello Gloamers, everyone is sounding great. Yes, strength in number and being part of a group- that's what helps us stay sober. accountability is a big one. I feel accountable to the Gloamers and that helps me stay away from AL.

Pepper, the camping in Manitoba sounds amazing. I agree with NS, (I think it was her). You would probably have started drinking no matter what you were doing. U.S. Alkies always find a way to drink.
SL, your trip sounds fun too.

I am falling asleep as I am typing.goodnight.

[narilly]

Hi Pav! Yes, happy and Un Hung!

Hey lil B. xo

Hi Rusty, so good to hear from you.

[NoSugar]

Hi, LB. I hope your husband is doing better. I'm glad for you that you're feeling less responsible for "fixing" him. I like that Anne Lamott post, too.
SL, sounds like you had a great weekend. Hope the 7 days on call are pretty calm ones.
Pav, I tried the first day's meditation but fell asleep!
Hope you're feeling better, Jane, and this is just regular old illness w/o thoughts of drinking like you mentioned awhile back.
Hi, Nar. Good to see you all un-hung :smile:. That wasn't me who said that but for the most part I believe it. I suppose there could be a person who is so busy in their job and other activities or who for religious reasons never starts consuming alcohol but most of us will - and are encouraged to do so. Many people like the short-term effects of a modest amount so repeated exposure is common and seems normal. But --- in a person who is biochemically/genetically/physiologically susceptible, addiction results. These position papers about the biogenic basis of addiction are really interesting. So, I guess I do think that any of us that got into a drinking habit, which doesn't appear to cause big problems for others, would ultimately get addicted. I guess what I wish is that I'd never started drinking more than a little every great while until sometime in my late 30s when I was seduced by the wine culture and started drinking one with dinner - lured by pseudosophistication, doing what all my peers were doing, and overstated health benefits . Maybe I should have spent my late 30s in the wilderness!

[jane27]

Hi gang,

To the point about us all being different and yet having so much in common stemming from our shared addiction- I have learned so much about communication and relationships in my time on MWO. Its like psychotherapy x 10. Empathy + gratitude has given me the ability to see passed myself. On MWO, I can forgive and forget and the relationships I hold dear not only stay in tact but get stronger. Its like magic. I can't say that I have ever felt more supported (despite myself lol). In life outside of MWO I am not as forgiving; I stay mad longer, I hold grudges.

I didn't drink in my 20's more than 1 or 2x per year. My parents are both heavy drinkers, and I had heard that alcoholism is genetic, but because it was a non issue in my 20's I didn't believe it could happen to me. I was so sure of this that I decided to embrace heavy drinking when I was 34 just for a year or 2 to get me through some stuff. That I would become a hardcore alcoholic seemed as likely to me as becoming a hare krishna. What a fool I was. I guess I had no frame of reference.

Along the same lines, until I was 22 I thought that female orgasms were an out and out myth. (a girl friend of mine told me how to make it happen). I guess I had a hard time believing things that I hadn't personally experienced. Now I'm the opposite- if someone says it happened to them and certainly if I read a medical article- I heed the warning. I can't imagine what my life would have been like if I hadn't gotten sucked into the whirlwind of alcohol. In a lot of ways, it gave me something to build my world around.

I'm still feeling shitty physically, but better mentally. Saw the doc today who confirmed that my left nasal passage is totally inflamed. In 2 weeks I see the ENT- she said they will probably scope my nose then to see what is going on. 2 rounds of Augmentin haven't done anything so she has prescribed a 7 day course of Prednisone. My right knee gave out when the nurse had me get on the scale. Its been happening for the last week. No idea why. Stabbing pain in the knee cap which feels like a pair of knitting needles getting crossed. I broke down when I was talking to the doctor. She's an Indian girl (/woman), in her mid 30's with 2 kids 3 and 10. She was so cool and kind. She talked to me for 15 minutes and was so sympathetic. She made me laugh. I saw the endocrinologist her office had recommended last week. She mentioned it and I volunteered a thumbs down + a raspberry. I hated the guy. She asked why and I told her I thought he was young and weak. Great answer, right? I disliked him because he dismissed my concerns in an eye roll kind of way. I wanted to curl my hand into a fist bring it back in a sweeping cartoon gesture and punch him in the face.

We seem to be getting some new traffic on the site which is a good thing. Its astounding to me that feeling lousy + cumulative stress has brought me to the window looking in at the bottle & a return to the drinking life as a possible solution. I am fighting it. Its very strange. I haven't experienced this feeling for most of my 18 month quit. I'm going to look at it as an opportunity to learn and be grateful that is didn't and hasn't gotten the best of me.

Watching Nurse Jackie on Netflix. Its pretty good. Love to all.

PS Earlier this year my husband went on a business trip for a week. I could use one of those. I got so much accomplished. Its hard to get things done when he's home.

[NoSugar]

What part of drinking is appealing to you, Jane, in light of all you've learned about yourself, alcohol itself, and its effect on you? I'm not trying to be a jerk about this - I'm really curious because right now, it holds no appeal for me and I'm just not sure what you're thinking. I feel like there is a better "solution" for everything I thought alcohol gave me. Anyway, you know what to do - put the time and effort into getting your thinking back to where you want it to be :hug:.

[jane27]

NS, That's why it’s particularly trippy- it hasn't held any appeal for me either until now. Truly I think it boils down to the fact that my health issues have cropped up again; I am dragging and uncomfortable + there has been a steady stream of stress beginning with all the rennovations crap after the flood we had this winter + A1's friends heroin overdose, MIL's health issues & heavy reliance on us regarding moving, and now in the selling of her home, hubs health issues weighing on me, the family vacation from hell- all together it has become a little crippling and like an out of body experience.
I guess its sort of like a situational depression as opposed to a clinical one. I feel beaten down and like 'get me the hell out of here! I am too miserable! There is not enough good in this! '.

I don't like to to write about depression / depressing things because I know its not something that is helpful to anyone on Gloamers, but I did feel like I needed to put it out there because you guys are my home group and my team. Not sharing the feelings with you would be a dangerous thing for me to do because it would start to feel abstract & disconnected from my journey up until now. I cant remember the last time I felt happy or light- wanting to resume drinking feels cloaked by survival instinct- anything to make (3) square, shit casserole meals feel LESS horrible to eat.

[treetops]

If its situational Jane - it will change - one way or another. Can you try to throw some of the build up over the past few months into the sea - sorry my analogy is not very good. You must have developed other survival tactics than drinking - we know you have - so give them time to work again. And throw those shit casserole meals out too. Too much reheating going on I think!
Having said that, you have every reason to be depressed and I know where you are coming from. So big big hugs XXXX

I have a sick daughter this week - a horrible viral infection and its school holidays. She is so miserable and has a ton of schoolwork to do. I am trying to get her to ask for a compassionate extension - but she is being stubborn.
Work is a 'joy' too - but hey it pays the bills and even is interesting.

Don't drink Jane - keep posting if those twinges keep knocking on your door. They will, we know that, but keep the door closed.

[scottish lass]

Zooming by - NS, call is not being calm - busy and not straightforward...
but all good apart form that - I actually love being on call - closer to "real" work - management and administration is less rewarding for me, but pays the bills and gives me the flexibility to care for my girls...
Jane - I am sorry not to be able to come up with words of wisdom - from experience, please don't drink...I regret it and would prefer you are not in that place. I am sorry for all you are going through and what you are feeling, and I wish that you get some reprieve soon - and as I read quickly and misinterpreted anything - I was not intentional...:hug:
Back to work....

[little beagle]

Jane I too went through a really rough patch last year. I thought it would never end. But it did. Yes I am still having consequences from that time. Bad feelings, anger, resentments. And I am working on letting them go. And slowly, day by day I am pulling out of it. Your life will change. I hope for the better. I don't want to sound like a broken record, but drinking won't help. We are here with you.
TT hope your daughter gets well soon.

[jane27]

Thanks for the replies, feedback, comments- all of it. It is a help to get it out, to be heard, to acknowledge it with the people I trust most on the subject. I might have opted to keep it to myself with the goal of sparing you guys more moaning, but I decided to share it because I can remember a time or 2 years back when someone broke their quit and there was a united "why didn't you post first" reaction. I will get through this. Love you guys. xoxo

[Pavati]

Hi, all:

Jane, I was discussing situational depression this weekend with a friend. I get a very depressed feeling about one day a month (hah!) but sometimes it lasts longer, and sometimes it is a different time of month. My husband always asks the reason, and I really rarely know. The good news is that this has been going on for my whole life, and the better news is that it happens a lot less often and with a lot less severity than when I quit. Also, the gratitude thing has helped me a ton. I was in a situation today with my husband, and after he said "well, that went really well!" I was thinking it didn't go so well, but then I reframed the way I was looking at it and had to agree with him. I try to be as optimistic has he is - and trying has helped make it so. So grateful for an optimistic husband!

Sorry about your daughter, TT. I had a friend who just lost 15 pounds in two weeks from a virus (and she didn't have any to lose). Nasty stuff. The added stress of missing school is always so hard for these kids as well.

SL - I agree - I prefer the doing to the managing, but we have to pay the bills!

Good night, all.

xo
Pav

[jane27]

Good morning Gloamers,

TT, It’s scary to be feeling so sick and have the work pile keep getting bigger. I hope she takes you advice and asks for the extension. Thank you for your post yesterday. It was soothing to me :hug:

SL, What does the being on call process entail? We learned that a friend of ours ex husband passed away recently. He had hep C for a long time, and I believe he was on the transplant list but I guess he became ill quickly and passed away before being matched with a liver. It’s heart wrenching that so many people are waiting for organs and only some will get them. When the subject of lung transplant came up with my MIL 6 months ago, I was told by someone that a lung AND heart transplant has a far better success rate than just a lung transplant. Is that true?

Pav- Where did you find that article you posted in the nest about the warning signs of relapse? It is excellent! I am thrilled that I was able to download it. The more I know about these things the better I am able to take action. Thanks again for posting it!

Lil, Give Ranger boy a hug for me. He is fiercely cute! Is he being a more well behaved monster? Is this not the face of a guilty Beagle? lol



Wishing everyone a nice day!

[scottish lass]

Hi all - sitting in my office as work keeps getting busier!

Jane - hopefully you are feeling 'lighter'? You sound a little more positive.
My on call work involves overseeing the work that my team does - they are on site managing the organ donors and getting organs to the right people (in a nutshell) - I make decisions, look after the legal and risk management side and hope that all goes according to plan. I am sorry to hear of your contact - there are so many people in need of a transplant and so few organs available - the stats say the 21 people on the list die every day...and as to heart/lung - it depends on what the need is and why, but a heart lung transplant is less complicated than a lung transplant...

TT - is your daughter better today?
Pav - Hi there, hope you are enjoying your time off, and your eldest is still enjoying his experience
LB - hope all is good, and you are continuing to self care when you are working out how to be with your husband,,,

Well I think I will be up thru the night with a tough case, so taking the opportunity to check in now...

[jane27]

SL,

I do feel lighter- thank you! I think its the prednisone. Its a subtle difference, but much appreciated...

I cant imagine what its like to do your job. The stats are troubling. I think I had PTSD from the event with my sister for at least 2 years. Everything is riding on that organ, and you desperately want it to work out. It is without question the most upsetting things I have ever been through- and she got the damn liver. After that debacle, I wasted no time signing up to become an organ donor. You cant take it with you- but you may have the opportunity to save lives.

We are attending a big extended family dinner tonight. 5 more in attendance above and beyond the group in Delaware. Olive Garden. This is big people. I will survive because I am a LOAM. xoxo

[Guitarista]

Hi Gloamers.

Thinking of you Jane. Take care of yourself buddy, and take some time out from family duties if you can, for some you time. :hug: