Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

[Rusty]

Sugey...you have to be one of the kindest, unselfish, and most compassionate people I "know' here.

[NoSugar]

Well, thank you for saying that, Rusty. The experience of getting over an addiction changed me in many ways from an over-achieving perfectionist who was a little too impatient and quick to judge others who weren't meeting my rather excessive and rigid "standards". Having lowered my expectations of myself to a point that I no longer had any self-respect or confidence and felt like a total fake, and working my way back to the point of liking myself again, in fact more than before all this happened, has been transformative. And I think when we are truly a friend of ourselves, we can be a better friend to others. I've mentioned 'post-traumatic growth' here before and feel very fortunate to feel like I have experienced it. I feel more comfortable with myself now than at any time in my life and believe it or not, have an addiction to thank for that. I still have a ton of regrets about the past but my gratitude is slowly overcoming them. xx

[treetops]

Good to see you here NS. Its been a wee bit lonely on this thread the past few weeks and I even wandered over into some other threads. I agree that knowing one's own weaknesses and facing that can help us with being both compassionate and supportive to others. As long as we don't get too dictatorial or pushy - because thats counterproductive and I certainly have a life to look back on thats not plain-sailing. But I dont see myself as a push over either -so while i may seem softer in some areas - in others I am I think more gutsy and not afraid to say what I think. I am not talking about addiction or AL with the latter.
So how did things go Lil B with your hubby? You take care now.
Nar - I expect you will be looking forward to the weekend - but will that mean catching upon other chores? Maybe not, since your children are away. Tell Mr Nar to wait on you hand and foot!
Will you be able to switch off too Pav -ie this weekend?
Yes it is sad that some of our old regulars have decided not to post on MWO but thats maybe best for them. So Mr G and Sam - don't be shy here! Any others too. I am sure there are folk reading this who might like to join on this thread.

Well people I am now into Season Four of The Wire - and it is so absorbing and so good. Very disturbing but it gives you so much to think about. Its got a very American feel about it but its not at all like other series. I even am understanding the street talk - when I first watched I had to have the subtitles on. Its a slow burner but well worth it.

Catch you later!

[little beagle]

No. It didn't happen. Hubby didn't leave. I struggle with this. I really am beginning to feel that I'm not helping and possibly even making the problem worse. I sometimes wonder if I would have quit drinking if I lived with someone who kept it together, went to work, paid bills, provided food. Not saying hubby doesn't do those things, but I'm always there to pick up the slack. Save my money just to be sure everything gets paid. Make the necessary sacrifices to make things run smoothly.
But damn it, I just can't thrown him out. I am torn between knowing how very ill he is, and the knoknowledge that I am not able to help him get better by myself. We had to wait so long for appointments with the doctor and the Dr. Who can prescribe the necessary meds.
Addiction is such a bitch! If you were having heart problems or some other similar catastrophic illness, you'd be seen immediately. But this is something that they just drag their feet with. Well it feels like that.
So October 12th Jimi has his blood tests and then tye end of the month he'll get the meds prescribed. I am willing to see this through to see if it works. Me making him leave, and none of these things will happen.
But yes, I had a serious talk. I just don't know if he CAN stop without the medical assistance. My daughter and I have discussed this in depth. It's really possible tgere is an underlying chemical imbalance that makes it harder for him.
Any opinions? Sorry about waffling on so much.
Ahhh. Nice, cool weather today though. Wow is that some crazy rain for the East coast though. I've been thinking of Byrdie all day.


It's so great to have a place to talk about this.

[Pavati]

Hi, Gloamers:

LB, my opinion is that you need to do what you need to do. I can't remember who posted it, but I watched a talk sometime from a supermodel who was an alcoholic. She talked a lot about community, and there is more evidence that maybe the tough love ploy isn't always what is best. If a doctor and medicine can help him get sober, then go for it, as long as his addiction isn't going to bring you and your family down. I really am so sorry you have to go through all of this.

NS - I agree with Rusty. THANKS. I love my work, but am working hard. Right now I can see light at the end of the tunnel - January or so. I can do anything for a couple of months. I am getting some exercise in - not as much as I like, but enough to keep sane. I worked all day today but will take time tomorrow for family and friends.

Jane - I am assuming you're busy with Mr. Red - hope all is going well.

Nar - glad you like your new job. It is always exciting to me to do something new, even the unknown does cause stress sometimes.

TT - LOVED the Wire. Glad you're enjoying it.

Good night, Gloamers. Happy SOBER Saturday.

xo
Pav

[little beagle]

It's been a grrat sober Sunday too Pav. I have a new hobby. LOL. Like I actually have time? I got a sewing machine today. I'm going to try and make a few things for Christmas.

[Pavati]

Hi, All:

I have always wanted to try to learn to sew, LB. I hope you have fun with it.

Hope you are all out enjoying this sober weekend.

xo
Pav

[NoSugar]

Sewing can be so meditative, LB - there are even studies supporting the benefits. I think it is the comforting drone of the motor as you sew along (of course you can't be making anything too complicated or have your bobbin thread breaking! Those really destroy the mood .) I mostly make quilts but lately have been doing baby stuff - the fabrics are so fun and cheery! When our kids were young, I used to get up early to sew. I think I'd discovered for myself how calming it was without really knowing what was going on. Have fun and let us know what you decide to make for the lucky recipients :smile:.

[NoSugar]

Hi, Pav! Come over and I'll teach you :hug:.

[narilly]

So cool that you gals are sewing. I haven't seen for years but my mom makes tons of quilts and aprons, she is amazing.
Lil B, I agree with Pav. Do what you gotta do, whatever works for you. I am thinking about you.
NS, it was great to read your post. Too bad we couldn't go for a walk together

TT, I did do chores on the weekend but I also went shopping and bought a bunch of new work clothes. I'm gonna be looking good tomorrow! Lol I really want to watch The Wire, if sounds really good.

Well, goodnight everyone, talk later.

[jane27]

Hi Gloamers,

I've also thought it would be fun to learn how to sew. So many people do it that it seems within the scope of possible, but many years ago I tried & I bungled up the thread to the point of no return (too impatient to unbungle it). Lil, whatcha gonna make first?

Nar, I'll bet you'll look great in your new threads. This time of year reminds me of 'back to school' from the grade school years. There was one night in the 3rd grade when I was so excited to wear my brand new nike sneakers with heavy green tights + my school uniform that I couldn't sleep. PS Excited but also had the feeling it wasn't the great look I thought it was lol. Im still not sure whether it worked or not, but I don't think that it did.

NS, you sound good & upbeat. Would love to see a photo of your dog if you have one to share. I think you had said that its a Golden. Red is keeping me on my toes and I think I can safely say that he's house trained. Was happy to receive the news that he is giardia free which means we can plan to start attending the training classes I signed up for.

TT, We are watching Covert Affairs; just began season 3. We also watch Difficult People and saw a hilarious stand up special on Netflix- the comedians name is Angelah Johnson. I think we watched 1 episode of the Wire, but can't recall, so look forward to checking it out.

Pav, Glad to hear that things are going smoothly for you with regard to your new work projects and building in you time. Balance is a tricky thing- especially when there's a lot on the plate, and even when there's not. I have to laugh when I look at how upside down everything is over here in my neck of the woods- all because of 1 beautiful puppy. It seems so ridiculous that such a happy addition to my life could throw such a monkey wrench into my routine, but I'm figuring it out little by little.

I miss my MWO time, reflecting on life and sharing thoughts with you guys. Sometimes I'll have a quiet moment when I connect with how I'm feeling about something deeper than day to day stuff. I don't think dwelling on feelings day in and out is the best thing to do, but I don't want to be like a stone skipping the surface either. I need to talk about stuff, acknowledge feelings, take in what's going on around me. I know that was a big key to getting sober, and I never want to lose touch with the present in such a way that would set the stage for tripping back into drinking.

More to say, hopefully tomorrow. Miss you guys. I can't believe its October.

Xoxo

Here are some pix of the little feller.

[treetops]

Hi there everyone and great to see you back Jane.
Lil B - I think you are handling this situation (its not as if its new) the very best way. And I agree with Pav - that the Tough Love approach is not for everyone - it can be so isolating for all involved and just feed the addict into their self imposed isolation. You are looking after yourself and I think taking up sewing is a great idea. I know women who really get a lot of pleasure from it - whether for practical reasons or in being creative or both.
I used to be pretty good at sewing - I was making my own clothes by the age of 12. My big sister taught me and she even showed me how to draft patterns from German magazines - so when I was a young teen I had some pretty cool clothes that were not available here at the time. Sewing was also a compulsory subject at middle school - and then at high school we had 3 years compulsory needlework. Go on laugh!! Thats unusual and it reflected the traditions of the school I went to. I made some lovely things (wall hangings, a beautiful tablecloth) but its all lost now - I can only recall basic needlework now. As for sewing I dont find it relaxing now - something always goes wrong and I dont have the patience. If you can get to know your machine and it works well - thats half the battle I think.

The Wire is definitely a series that requires focus and concentration - kind of like reading novels. So being sober is really the best. I am having a Wire sabbatical tonight and might watch the new season of Greys Anatomy. There is even a new dr in it who is from New Zealand. So you can see that we have a few handsome fellas here! (PS - dont tell Mr G as he will get jealous - as he thinks all the handsome guys come from Oz!).
OK - must love you and leave you - work calls before TV mindlessness.

[jane27]

Lil,

I went back and reread your post and I agree with Pav & TT- you are handling a difficult situation with both eyes open at every turn. You haven't given up, checked out or taken a short cut anywhere. The emotional and physical energy you are burning is in the boot camp category. You are carrying the weight of 2 individuals and a family to compensate for Mr. Lil's addiction. Most people would have buckled under that load by now and not for lack of love or caring.

I read an interesting article by a woman that left her addict husband after 20 years. These 3 short sentences stuck with me.

They say that addicts need to hit rock bottom before changing their behavior. I guess in some ways*I*had to hit rock bottom before changing my behavior, too. I learned love doesn’t always conquer all.

The comment made me see that there are 2 rock bottoms involved in your situation; its easy to get lost focusing on his even as a bystander. What would happen if you decide today that your marriage and your husband are exactly as they are intended to be- that you accept the situation for being its its natural state. Then what? It makes me think of my give-a-cat-a-bath analogy. Cats will never learn to love being bathed. To keep a cat and continue to bathe it will come with a price. When does the price become too high?

What if you accept the situation for what it is, and reallocate the energy you are spending trying to tame his dragon? Invest the energy in yourself instead... Gravitate towards things that attract and enrich YOU. I realize that this is more hard work but at least you are guaranteed different results than the ones you have been getting. And, it brings the severity factor down a bit because it becomes less about LEAVING, and THE END OF THE MARRIAGE, HOW AM I GOING TO GET BY FINANCIALLY LET ALONE EMOTIONALLY.

In other words, ignore the mother fucker. (well not really, but it felt fun to say). Just say to yourself, OK Mr Lil & his addiction aren't a surprise or disappointment anymore. They are working predictably and repeatably- I know what to expect from them. Like accepting a dog that wont be house trained by not picking up the poop off the floor. Just work around it or step over it. (Either way you're going to have poop on the floor). At some point things are going to evolve to a point where you're not willing to do it anymore. Why keep knocking yourself out to clean it up only to have it happen again and again?

Es possible?

In other news,
1) severe menstrual cramps every single day & advil burning a hole in my throat
2) got fancy autoimmune test panel results back, "now we're sure you probably don't have lupus!" & letter from my insurance company saying the $0. of the $1500 test is covered
3) and that's old news. Currently awaiting the results of many many many hormone tests (endocrinologist)
4) going to Florida this weekend and boarding Red for the 1st time. Don't want to really, but its better if I do.
5) put together a forecast budget for 2016 and had a vapor. Expenses are considerable greater than money coming in.
6) cant believe what a hassle renting out the condo is
7) babysitters basement flooded due to backed up sewer pipe. $900 later, root cause was determined by Roto Rooter: flushable wipes. This gave me pause as the fellas over here are fond of wipes. Sought out quotes for preventive maintenance snaking of our sewer pipe and looky looky what they found. (Sure am glad to have spent THAT 350 bucks.)



8) Thoughts of drinking these days are emotionally equal to thoughts of hopping on a surfboard in any ocean (stupid move, guaranteed to result in terror, loss of control and end badly)


Questions for my Gloamers

1) Anyone thinking about the dreaded holidays?
2) What are the kids up to?
3) Best thing/ worst thing?

Me: Best thing: Red Worst thing: stoopid mystery illness

Wishing everyone love,

http://www.xojane.com/it-happened-to-me/leaving-my-addict-husband

[NoSugar]

That was a very moving essay, Jane. Thanks for sharing the link.
My stoopid mystery illness seems to be responding to a very expensive drug . I'm very grateful for relief but disgusted with the drug companies. With insurance, it costs $147 for 60 pills (20 days). Without insurance, it would have been $300 more!! I'm annoyed for me but also just sick about the uninsured people who might be as miserable as I was but just have to put up with it b/c they don't happen to have $450 bucks to spend on medicine every 20 days!! We have such a crazy healthcare system in many ways.

LB, it would be too hard to give up on someone you love. I hope you're able to set some boundaries (and that he respects them) so that you don't have to be directly involved or affected if he chooses to use while you wait for his appointments and treatments. That points to yet another flaw in our healthcare - mental health just isn't given the priority that it warrants. It's so short-sighted!

Nar, I would love to go for a walk with you! Today, I did take one with our grandson which was nice but you can't go very fast pushing a stroller. It was one of those beautiful fall afternoons here with the light coming through the trees at just the right angle. I'm glad I made the time to get out in it. I'd say that was the Best Thing today.

TT, I can tell I would love The Wire but I need shows that I can watch with about 70% concentration and like you said, The Wire needs much more than that. I can't seem to make it through a novel lately, either. For some reason, my attention span and ability to concentrate are really poor right now. Good thing I'm not in school! That is amazing that you knew how to draft patterns and make your own clothes. I made clothes from commercial patterns for awhile but they have to fit right - quilts are much more forgiving!

Take care of yourselves, GLoamers! xx NS

[topaz]

I'm returning to MWO with a question about seeking individual treatment.

My work hours (and need for income/health insurance) make it difficult for me to schedule an initiial assessment or ongoing treatment. I'm not ready to participate in more convenient 12 step meetings or after work IOP.

I know I meet every criteria for alcohol treatment - I simply can't leave my job.