Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

[treetops]

J-Vo we can support each other through the 'empty nest' thing. We do things a wee bit differently here to the US - but there is a lot that is the same. My daughter graduates in just over a week's time - and then she has final exams and then next February leaves home to move into a hostel to start university. She is studying fairly close to home and I hope we still see each other - but its still a big wrench I anticipate. The thought of all of this hit me really bad in the middle of the year butI know I handled it better by being sober.
Its Labour day here - holiday! Hope all you Gloamers are being good wee people!

[j-vo]

TT, good luck to your daughter. Wow, one more week. Congratulations! I have lots of anxiety thinking of son going away. Still don't know what college he'll attend, but we won't be under the same roof. We still have most of his senior year to go, many "lasts" and then June, well, movin' on. Yes, I'd love to support each other through this. Do you have any other children? Been through this before? Son is my one and only. I want to have lots of AF time under my belt before he graduates. I'll be a basket-case as it is, and I don't want to be a drunk, too.

Productive day cause I was unhung. Pretty sweet...

[NoSugar]

J-vo and TT, you're fortunate that you'll be AF in your empty nests. I'd say my problem escalated at that time. In part, perhaps, because it is a tough adjustment to have big pieces of your heart move out (!) but in my case, I think the lack of responsibility to others and reduction in the number of eye-witnesses as well as a couple personal crises all about the same time set the scene for full-blown addiction to develop. I believe that stress, or more accurately a poor response to stress, is key in all of this.

It was tougher when our older child left, probably because it was the first time, and we still had the second child at home to buffer the sadness. I imagine it is extra hard to watch an only child take that next right step. How ironic that it hurts so much when they successfully do the thing we've spent 18 years helping them get ready for! Parenting is tough -- the goal is to work yourself out of the job you probably love best! I will say, though, I love interacting with our children as adults. And more often than I would have expected, I'm back in the role of Needed Mom. Now that I'm experiencing not having my mom in that role for me, I'm really glad to be able to be that sort of stabilizing person in our kids' lives. If I hadn't quit drinking when I did, I wouldn't be in that role now.

Hope all other GLoamers had a good weekend and are looking forward to a good week - whatever that means for you.

xx, NS

[little beagle]

I am looking forwardvto a good week NS.
TT and J-vo I remember the heartach that came when my daughter got her first apartment. We helped her get it for her Christmas present when she was 18. But it was a really proud time too. It's great seeing her being so impressively grown up and self sufficient.
My father has been pretty ill lately. I was talking to hubby about it. I can't imagine how it feels seeing someone you are Really close to going through that. It's sad, but my father and I aren't close at all. I'm not really sure how to feel.
Jane I miss you.
Ramsey is a cutie J-vo. Little man has been quite challenging lately. His latest adventure. He found a Very old package of rat poison. We are really sure where. It got torn up on my bed. And we induced vomiting to be safe. He's fine. Sleeping peacefully. I have a few more grey hairs.
Well it started raining and I heard we've had about 8 inches since yesterday afternoon. No more dried out sinuses. No more dry anything! Even the ceramic tile feels damp.so much humidity. We're getting the remnants of Patricia.

[narilly]

Hello everyone, it is sure busy around here!
Yes, I get the empty nest thing too. My daughter is in second year Uni and living away from home. My son lives at home and is going to first year also his friend lives with us and they are busy with school. My hubby is going to be up north working one week on and one week off so all of a sudden I am going to have a lot of time to myself. I will enjoy it because I will be present and have a clear mind. I love that.
Un hung. It's is great isn't it JVo
I love Ramsay btw. One day I will have a Dashund too.

Hello Steady, GMan, LilB, (sorry about your daughter situation, you deserve to be treated better).

Good night Gloamers. Stay sober and enjoy an UnHung Mon.

[Pavati]

Hi, All

I, too, have a sick parent and a 17 year old child who is hardly here any more. I feel like the slow leaving is helping to ease the pain of losing them both, if that makes sense. My dad has had a great life, and still does. It is a SLOW fade, but a fade nonetheless. I feel like our relationship hasn't been the same for a long time. And, yes, NS, it makes me feel so good to see my kid launching into life with a good head on his shoulders and the skills we've been working to help him gain. I am sort of jealous of the empty nest come homework time every night...

I am off to sleep. Good to see you here, Steady and G, and all you other Gloamers.

xo
Pav

[SHADES_of_IDAHO]

Glad to hear you helped the child . I am proud of you & your daughter..
Very sorry your father is ill. Many blessings sent ur way!
Sounds like you have rain too! It's been very soggyy here too!
Miss you little beagle.
(((((Gentle hugs))))

[SHADES_of_IDAHO]

Sorry to hear your parents are ill. It's so hard when we can't always help them. I just lost my dad he would be 100 years old Oct 18 he passed on Oct 12. He is in a good place no more suffering.mhe will always be in my heart.

It is very hard at first when our children move out on there own and find their wings to fly..

My children are spread throughout the US. VERY SAD I hardly see them .,they are all,so,angry with my son who al addiction has many issues in our family.

There are all very successful,doing well !mthey just don't get the serious dire situation their brother is in and they just don't get it. I went tru a divorce from there father due to it. I love them all the Sam yet they are all self centered and selfish, don't take the time to,unferdsatand addiction or talk to their brother. I always tell him I love him no matter what. I am always here for him. As depression and auicide is a struggle with many who have addiction of some type.

Hope you all are well I miss getting thru sometimes this forum will not let me sign in or post.as much as I would like.

Please everyone take one day at a time the Holidays can be a trigger. Don't be afraid to address me if any of you need to talk.

Kind Regards

[treetops]

Hi there Shades. Sounds like you have a lot to deal with, with your children.

Yes Pav - I know what you mean about not being sad about saying goodbye to homework. The thing about the empty nest thing is that I find it hard to talk to others about it. I don't mean to sound un-sisterly but I have found some women, who I thought would might be supportive, quite harsh in their comments. Its sort of like "well I went through it- toughen up-this is not a big deal". But you can see from their expressions and their tough-guy attitude that it did hurt them. Its a bit like mentioning period pain - something I found (when I had periods) many women (I wouldn't even raise it with men) unsupportive about. So we just shut up and "grin and bear it". How many of these quiet little hurts and battles do people keep to themselves? Maybe its a Kiwi thing (be stoic, "she'll be right") but I doubt it.
Anyway it got me thinking about how in many societies we dont share things that are bothering us, or when we do, we just get told to knuckle on.
Thats why an on-line support group is great. I think for many of us we have coped for too long by turning to AL as a confidant, as a support buddy. But the evil b_t_h (I don't like to swear on this forum!) uses that to hook us.

NS -I understand I think about what you are saying about you Dad. I was not close at all to mine and his death was very strange. I just accepted it. A complete contrast to the intense and prolonged grief I had when Mum died. My drinking (already at dangerous levels) just really took off with abandon after she died.

Jane - what's up? You were so chatty and posted a lot.

[little beagle]

Thank you Shades. You are often in my thoughts. I understand about how others view on addiction can hurt us. We try to suppoer a loved on. As you suppoort your son. But others just think it's easy to quit. Well if it's a problem, just don't drink. The ones who've never experienced addiction, or lived with someone who struggles don't know how that one thing takes over our entire lives. Consumes our every thought. I hope your son finds his way out. And your other children find compassion and understanding. Thank you for being here for us all.

[j-vo]

Evening All,

Well, you all may find my Ramsay man very cute, but right this minute as I'm trying to type, he wants to play and needs my undivided attention. Not just this minute, like all the time! He's a sweet pup and I'm so glad we decided to get him. It really helped me to be at peace with Leo passing.

I guess I'm in the same boat, Pav, as son is rarely at home, and when he is, he's doing homework upstairs, or downstairs with his girlfriend. But I'm glad his life is full and he's doing so well with his classes and sports.

Shades, sorry for the loss of your father. He really had a great, long life.

Oh, LB! Glad your babe is doing ok! How scary.

NS, I'm glad you're a needed Mom again. It doesn't end and that's a great thing. Now you're a needed Grandma, too. How wonderful that must be. Yes, I've responded to stress in so many wrong ways. I'm looking for more positive ways to deal with it, one being lots of praying. I've begun my pilates and yoga again, and man! that makes me feel so good.

TT, I agree that online is a great way to get those thoughts off your mind. Releasing this 'stuff' is so good and healthy.

Nar, I'm learning to be present and clearminded. Any tips you have, send 'em over...or down.

So I was asking about how the relapse starts before the first drink in the NN and got great responses. I think I treated my quit like a "thing" and not something more personal in the past. I didn't hold it close to my heart as i would a loved one. I think I need to feel that love for it, just like I feel love for my son. Care for it and pay attention to it always. Grow with it.

Have a great night.

[jane27]

Happy birthday to me. 45. Sober. Beautiful puppy. A place I call home. People I call family. Friends that care about me. Talking to Mom. Going to see Dad. The fact that they are both alive and in my life for this birthday.

Feeling down despite all these gifts. A shame really. So where is the sadness coming from? The obvious- hurt that hubs did squat for my bday- like it means something deeper (he doesn't give a fuck) than what it is (12 years together, run out of steam & ideas, other stuff on his mind)

Life has become unbalanced with regard to mwo & daily reflection/work on sobriety. Yes, the dog. And the ipad broke. And that's been good in some ways (less time to ruminate); but something is off and it doesn't feel right. Maybe its feeling checked out from my emotions? One thing I recognize for sure, is that I've had the sense that I'm in the midst of something (like a challenging project with a deadline), and all I need to do is plow through, because its going to be done soon- and once it is, I wont feel as uncomfortable. Its like I'm holding my breath, and waiting in anticipation for this thing to be over and then I'll feel good (relaxed, less stressed out) again.

Only there really isn't anything that's going to be completed in a finish line sort of way. Whatever it is that feels like sprinting (or working 3 jobs), has no name, and therefore no end in sight. That worries me. Life isn't going to get magically easier, better, or more gratifying all on its own, like the way seasons happen.

Put simply, I wish my life was comprised of more organic stuff that held all the nutrient stuff I crave. True north kind of stuff. So there's a pervasive sort of nagging itch that I sense but cant quite connect with- I've bent myself to fit into the life I have created for myself, and its a good life, but the voices of what might have been, "if things had been different" are still there. Silently day dreaming & wishing- feeling guilty and ashamed for it (like a traitor for wanting a different experience- different possibilities). I'm so lucky to have what I have, and I'm doing the best with what I have got.

I'm very grateful to be sober; I never want to go back to that prison- but sometimes I remember the place that alcohol could take me, and I miss it.

I wish this was more cheerful. I'd really like to get back into the swing of posting daily. It's so weird to have the sense that life will resume normalcy soon- like I'm running a marathon and the end is in site. I have no idea what the marathon is (the only thing new in my life is Red). Maybe I'm doing some sort of funky compartmentalizing in response to getting him (the dog/Red)?

Can anyone relate or have feedback? Going to read back now. Sorry for being all about me. I began this as a journal entry because I felt overwhelmed and tongue tied. Didn't know how to jump in. Jvo, I'm so glad you're back.

Love to all xoxo

Lil B, NS, Pav- all of you guys, thank you for caring about me. It means more than you know.

[treetops]

Happy Birthday Jane. You young thing!
Its no consolation but my partner has almost always forgotten my birthday - I don't mean doing squat but actually forgetting. And we have been together for over 20 years. Last year he and my daughter both forgot my birthday - so sweetie I know where you are coming from - with that.
You sound depressed and unsatisfied - but I could be wrong. This is not good. You sound like you want to do something for yourself. I don't know enough about you or what your background is, Have you thought of some new study or learning something new - that is not just an interest but is a new qualification? Something away from the house? I could be really wrong but you do sound like you are looking for something tangible that is all about you and your brain. You seem to like writing and have a gift here -have you thought about doing a course?
We have written a lot about twinges and wanting the odd (yeah odd - thats the right word!) drink here recently -so you are never alone with that one.
Its great that the puppy has brought such joy.Not sure if its still your birthday - but if it is (anreven if it isn't) give yourself a big pat for being 45 and sober. Don't worry about old Grumpy Bum.
XX

[Choices]

Happy Birthday Jane. I can relate to what you wrote. About holding your breath and waiting to feel more comfortable. As if there is a deadline. That is a very good way of putting it. Hello to everyone else! I've been reading along for a while so thought it was time to say 'hi'. Doing pretty well tonight. I'm almost two weeks AF and feeling good to be back on track. Feeling positive and sober. I'm loving mornings most. I'm probably most vulnerable in the afternoon between 3-5:30. So that's actually not that long to push through. Thanks for all your posts. I'm learning a lot

[jane27]

Thanks TT! Your post felt like a hug (and I needed one). Thanks and welcome Choices! 2 weeks is solid progress. Amazing how one little day at a time strung together can amount to so much strength. I woke up to a lovely card and a big box decorated and containing all kinds of fun crafty things. Thank God. (< lol) I have some catching up on here to do. Its nice to see some new names! I don't know how I got so lucky in finding you guys. You're every bit a family to me. xox