Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

[Choices]

Just checking in. A bit to tired to wright much but don't want to stray too far. Nice sober day a kids birthday party. I was asked by a friend to hang out next weekend and she mentioned 'vino'. She barely drinks so I know she won't mind if I don't. But I want to keep my business private. So thinking about what I'll be saying in the upcoming months when offered anything alcohol. So far all I can come up with is 'no thanks'. Last time I quit I think I over explained my problem looking for acceptance somehow. I don't think it helped me in the long run and so, thinking about doing it a bit different this time. This friend is a good one so I'm sure I'm fine. But I do have that funny feeling of what to say. I'm sure it will be fine. I'd written a really long post earlier today where I responded to everyone, but it was on my phone and somehow got lost. Grrrrr. But I hope everyone is doing well.

[j-vo]

Nar,
I'm really sorry about your pup. Thoughts are with you. That's so hard, and I experienced the lost back in May. Had to put my precious pup down after 13 years of love. He had a blood clot in his lung. I miss him lots, but Ramsay has brought back that lovin' I needed.

I get that down feeling, too, in October. It's always been a hard time, especially through the holidays. But I know for a fact I'll be much better without alcohol depressing my system even more. Hang in there Gloamers.

I've had a great weekend visiting parents. Mom looks good, although she uses a walker now to get around, but that's a good thing because she can do the things she likes to do, go places and be safe. It feels great to be sober. Last night I remembered all of the parties, and I felt a little uncomfortable with that feeling. Almost like I was missing out on something. I replaced that thought with the fact that I am grateful to be clear-headed, won't be waking up feeling like crap, and reminded myself that AL is a bastard. I won't be controlled like that anymore. I love it when I feel clear-headed, and I'm especially grateful that I was here for my mom and dad.

I'll be driving back to the other side of the state today, and I have jury duty tomorrow. I suppose I'll be sitting most of the day, waiting to see if I get chosen to serve. I really hope i do because that's one thing I'd love to experience - being on a jury. I can appreciate the fact that I am looking to new things in life!

Choices, there are lots of excuses to give people. I know there had to be a thread on here somewhere, but if it's just one friend, I wouldn't worry too much. You can always say you're on medication for something, are trying to cut down on carbs, have to get up early (i'm sure you do if you have a little one). There's always a good excuse. But the great thing is that you'll be unhung the next day.

Happy Sober Sunday.

[jane27]

Hi gang,

Sprinkler guy came to blow out and shut down the sprinklers this morning. If you're thinking how hard can that be (as to require hired help), I'm wondering the same thing- but 75$ is worth having it done and over with before the temps go below freezing. Hubs is at the dermatologist getting his almost healed leg wound checked out. I have a weekend morning minute to myself. RARE. I was looking around at the messiness (laundry on chairs, kitchen counter stacked with misc. projects that haven't and likely wont get off the ground, sink full of dishes, dishwasher full, dog toys everywhere), and I got the ol' pit in my stomach - 'oh God, hubs is going to come home and have a passive aggressive cow (over the state of things). Thanks to the passive piece, I put the pit on hold and thought, 'what if this is good enough?' What if this is perfect? Like for whatever reason, I woke up, and the fact that the house is upside down didn't phase me (other than factually), because I felt happy and grateful?

So I did a Google search on it (what if today is good enough) and I found this article in Psychology Today. WOW. The compulsion/ perfectionism (+tendency to procrastinate) section hit a nerve for me
Below is the first bit + a link to the rest.

Choices, I took the low road all the way. Rather than having to come up with excuses, I avoided any situation that stirred up anxiety whatsoever. The reason I took this route was because I have seen in too many cases what happens when I leave thew door even a crack open. I tried it, and failed every time. Wrong use of reference i know (high road/low road- high road is the more noble thing etc etc)- avoiding variables is maybe a better way to describe it. The less variables there are in a given situation, the easier it is to control the outcome. Maybe save your combat gear for the social situations that CANT be avoided. Fib from the comfort of your own home ( you cant make it because....) & you will put an end to that funny feeling. That "funny feeling" is a 10 red flags warning.

Wishing everyone a bewdie! xoxo

How can you tell whether something you’ve done is good enough? Or just what would make it good enough*for you? Doubtless, personal standards come into play here. But where exactly do such standards originate? Is it possible you unwittingly internalized your*parents’ unrealistically high requirements of you as a child? Or are your “good enough” criteria authentically aligned with your deepest beliefs, values, and ideals? And finally, how about situations that actually*demand your performance be perfect?

Under three distinct headings, this post will attempt to illuminate what being good enough—or doing something well enough—involves, or*ought to*involve. The first category takes up what you feel you*must*do perfectly, even in cases where it’s hardly called for or reasonable. The second considers what you may be*obliged*to do perfectly, independent of whether you feel like doing it or experience it as gratifying. And the third division is what you freely*choose*to execute at a level much higher than necessary because it affords you genuine satisfaction, pleasure, and joy. Or*you’ve decided that doing it helps pave the way toward self-fulfillment. To put it more simply, the three categories are distinguishable in terms of*compulsion,*obligation, and*choice.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201310/how-do-you-know-whats-good-enough

[treetops]

Morning Choices. The exhaustion of birthday parties for kids. You are getting lots of advice on the social situation and wine. I think as Jane says it often depends on the situation. I couldn't avoid AL being served in some social places esp with work but I managed to get by. At first I kept quiet about why I wasn't drinking. Often better because there is often one person who tries to argue you into why you can have just the one. Now I couldn't give a toss and I just say I don't drink. I also don't hide the fact that I used to drink a lot and that it was a serious problem but I won't open up about it. Except maybe to close friends.
Your friend sounds good. Maybe you can just say health reasons and leave it at that. Or maybe cancel out. But the problem is that you don't want to isolate yourself either.
Everyone else have a great day too

[narilly]

Hi SL! Glad you came back I was thinking of you this am when I put my sheets in the laundry. Yay, clean sheets! Lol... It the small things, right?

Choices, I agree with TT, sometimes it's just good to keep quiet and other times you have to say something. I just say ' I don't drink' but at the beginning that's a bit tricky. Different excuses I used:, I have to get up early, my stomach is hurting, I don't really feel good, I have a blood test tomorrow, I'm on meds,, I have to drive, I have an exam tomorrow, I'm taking a break, I have a headache.
Whatever works for you. As long as you don't drink...

[Choices]

Thanks for the advice. I really like this friend I've been cultivating for a few years. She met me as a non drinker, but knows I've been drinking when I started again. She has a daughter my girls age, but we are becoming close as women outside of motherhood as well. My desire to see her next weekend is pretty much exactly the not become isolated reason. And hubby and I just pretty much watch movies or tv... Which is fine, but it will be nice to see her. We have never been drunk together and only had drinks out once for her birthday. SO, long story short... I think she is safe company. I just sent her a text saying I'd still like to come over, but that I can't have any 'vino' because I'm having a fertility treatment done on Monday. (This is actually true). I just wanted to let her know I wouldn't be drinking in advance in case she might be looking forward to it. She's never asked me over to her house before... And I didn't want her to go to the trouble of getting nice wine.. And then me maybe acting awkward saying, 'no thanks'. She's all good with my text and said we can just drink tea. Which is what we normally do anyway. I think I'll probably tell her that evening that I'm dry again. Then I won't have to think about this with regards to her anyway. There hasn't been many drinking opportunities in my life with friends for years, so it's really only getting over my awkwardness in each situation for a while until I've got more confidence in myself again.

[scottish lass]

Yeah clean sheets Nar!! (ps you could have done mine too!)

Trick or treaters were few and far between last night, I went to the street to be nosy and most folks lights were off - so left with a much too big bag of chocolate:cuss:

Got up this morning and ran a 5K - you may remember last year I started running for the very first time ever once the effects of not drinking were taking hold. Sadly I did not keep it up, but same training course came up this fall - I managed to beat last years time by a minute, and beat my 17 yo who ran it with (behind) me - got a lovely photo of the two of us.....and feeling good about myself too..

We were off to see the autumn colours and get some apples (and enjoy everything else in a region here called Apple hill) - got about 40 miles and hit rain, with a lot more in front of us, so had to turn around and come back home - was looking forward to this day trip, but the region needs the rain so badly doesn't it Pav - it has not hit us here yet, but it is coming down in the foothills!

Good thinking choices - and hopefully you can tell her too, I so understand why you would not want to but there is something freeing about being able to tell people..

Happy MAE all...glad to be here...

[jane27]

Great work thinking it through ahead of time, Choices Fertility treatment is a good one & made me remember that I used to use sinus meds as an excuse from time to time.

[treetops]

Choices -I have two very close women friends - one who lives here and one in the UK, who I told pretty much from the start of my last quit. They also knew how sick I was getting. They both enjoy wine (but for them in moderation and they dont get drunk). They offered not to drink in front of me - but I have been OK with them having their wine (if they feel like it but mostly we drink coffee) when we get together. It worked out really fine for me and I hope for them.
The biggest reaction I ever had was from a woman who didn't know me and was horrified that I was having a diet coke. This was before a 3 hour play and I needed something to help me stay awake. She was quaffing wine which she thought was somehow more civilized than coke. In fact I usually take a diet coke to my work events when there is AL because I don't like juice and water is boring sometimes and these events are often at the time of the afternoon when I am tired. Yep - diet coke gets more of an eyebrow raised than AL ever did! Its crazy.

Great about the part-marathon SL!

[Choices]

I noticed when I started drinking again, people often just add on ... 'We can have a vino, margarita, beer'... Etc without meaning we really are. I'd meet up expecting to have that... Whatever was suggested.., and kinda be bummed when everyone ordered non alcoholic drinks... (This was so strange and different to me from my previous drinking days when going out for anything meant... Get drunk together). It might just be because these are the friends I made when I was sober and this is actually how normal people are? It's like saying lets meet up for a coffee and it just means a daytime get together... Where you either have coffee or tea, water, nothing whatever. My closest friends live overseas and totally knew and supported me the last time. I didn't even tell them I started again. So all my friends here don't know anything because I was past it all being an issue.. I guess I'm in a strange little boat at the moment. But luckily it is a boat and I'm not drowning alone still. I'm glad I can write about this here. It's a strange thing to figure out again. About who I am, was, and want to be. All of this drinking was alone... So it's odd to me that I am worried about what to say.

[Choices]

My drink of choice is water.. I love it. In drinking situations I drink lots of it. I tried other drinks, but I couldn't have more then one Coke, coffee, tea.. I start to feel bloated. I think I'm kind of a compulsive person socially. Needing to be sipping, grabbing a glass. It's a good point made about how people raise their eyebrows at odd times to be drinking. They probably are already half drunk and running off at the mouth.

[NoSugar]

Almost all of my over-drinking was alone, Choices, as was my recovery (other than all the fabulous people here!) so my stopping entirely seemed odd to friends at first. But it was amazing how my consistently declining a drink very quickly made me a 'non-drinker' to others. All my worry about what others would think or say turned out not to be necessary. My one tip would be not to waffle or hedge about whether to drink - don't even open that door! You sound great and you're so lucky your friendships don't revolve around drinking.

[Choices]

Very good advice, I just took a very long bath and I think I am in one of those tough recovery days that no one can avoid. I think I figured out what my issue is about other people re my drinking or not drinking. It actually has nothing to do with them. All it is, is the reality that I can't drink. It's just so real and uncomfortable at the moment, but I know it will get better. I only need to remind myself that I'm not missing out on anything. I am missing out on everything if I do drink. Mainly the most important thing to me, being there for my daughter at all times. I can't do that as a drunk. The door needs to be firmly shut.

[NoSugar]

Shutting that door for once and for all is such a relief. I know what's behind it and see no reason to peek in. I remember the day that I realized that I never had to drink again - up until then, I felt that I couldn't. There is an enormous difference!

Did you read ATT's thread today? It's very affirming and motivating: https://www.mywayout.org/community/lo...-10-sober.html

[little beagle]

Happy, relaxed weekend here. LOTS of rain. No trick or treaters. Maybe too many scary movies.