Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

[Choices]

That is a really good way to get my head around this. Never have to drink again instead of can't. I'm not there yet. But that makes it a lot more positive and attainable. Smack in the middle of witching hour. Today was tough. Not as tough as when I first started posting though. I am SO relieved to be back. Thank you to everyone. I don't know how people do this on their own.

[j-vo]

Choices, you sound great, even though you had a tough few hours. And you got through it. I'm sure your posts are helping you lots as you're getting all of these thoughts out and receiving the support you need. Keep posting.

It's usually the people that have a drinking problem themselves that bug someone else to drink with them. Or they pressure others so that they don't look like the "only" drunk. Moderators (which I tried like hell to become but never was or will) mostly understand and it's no big deal to them whether you drink or not. Why? Because they're not obsessed with drink. They can take it or leave it and they understand when someone doesn't want to drink for whatever reason.

Congrats on your 5K SL!!!! What a great accomplishment.

LB, glad you had a great weekend.

Nar, how are your spirits (not the liquid kind).

NS, so glad to be back in your company.

TT, where are you from? Just curious, and you don't have to reply here or anywhere. I love the fact that we have members from all around the globe.

The five hour trek back home yesterday was not as hard as I had anticipated. Driving out on Friday was difficult after having put in a day's work, so yesterday I was rested. I get antsy having to drive for that long, but good music and dancing around in my seat as much as possible helps tremendously. I'm sure I got strange looks as people passed me, but it was fun having alone time to rock out a bit.

I was thinking on the way home a lot. I say to myself that I'm an alcoholic. But what I thought yesterday is that I'd much rather be a recovering alcoholic and an active alcoholic. I know I'll always be an alcoholic, but it's good knowing I'm on the other side and I DON'T HAVE to drink anymore. My body and organs are recovering from long-term abuse, my mind, cognition, and all of that stuff are healing. And I'm grateful for that.

Time to get into shower and head down to the courthouse! Have a good day all.

[j-vo]

Jane,
Thanks for the article. I can really relate to it. I'm a textbook perfectionist, and I think a lot of alcoholics are. I always wanted to show I could be the best, because I had such a low self esteem. I still do it today. That's something that I hope through recovery, I can manage to stop being so hard on myself and accept my faults and mistakes. Any tips for perfectionism is welcome!

[little beagle]

Choices I know a lot of people who try to do this on their own, but they Don't.
J-vo I like to turn up the radio and sing loud when I'm driving alone. I too would rather be on this side of my alcoholism. Besides, alcohol is just poison in a glass, right? It's that thing that keeps us from life. I'm grateful I no longer feel I Have to drink to have fun or socialize, or relax.
And I'm grateful that I found what gratitude is. How powerful it is.

[treetops]

Hi there and good to see friendly faces.
JVo - I live in NZ and am from here. Same country as Choices but she is from the US originally.
I don't like to use the work alcoholic anymore. I used to, but now I prefer not to - but if someone else wants to identify as such, thats up to them. I am taking my cue from how many people who suffer from an all-encompassing disorder/disease/condition (whatever) don't like to be labelled as such. ie I would say a person suffers from epilepsy but I wouldn't call them an epileptic. I tend to think we are much more than what AL has done to us or how we relate to AL - but I know my POV is controversial.

[scottish lass]

Quick check in - long day starting with crazy drivers wrecking in the rain on way to work which made my already long commute even longer, then a day of meetings before trying to get back home in one piece in thunder and lightening! We have not had rain for a very long time, but not long enough for people to forget how to drive with wipers on!!!

So sorry for not writing much, but staying on track here...

[Pavati]

Hi, I'm here!

SL, I went to a meeting today that was on a commute corridor around here - ended up in a LONG and wet drive, but I was so happy to see the wet stuff.

I didn't read all the way back, and am off to bed.

Hope you are all fantabulous. Grateful to be here and sober.

xo
Pav

[jane27]

I tend to think we are much more than what AL has done to us or how we relate to AL - but I know my POV is controversial.

TT - Good point. I don't care for the term alcoholic either - to me that term connotes damage & societal failure. Life is challenging enough without branding myself as a loser. Labeling the behaviour (drinking alcoholically) makes a lot more sense to me than labeling the person. I do believe that there is a unique type of alcoholic drinker/addict that will not stop because they can not stop; but I think its a very small group compared with the majority of problem drinkers like us & most of the folks on MWO. I believe that for most (or many) of us, if we put our minds to it, can stop engaging in the bad behaviour. When we do, we move on and hopefully feel proud of what we achieved & the chapter on drinking alcoholically is closed. To ensure continued success, we may use tools to help support the goal of remaining sober, but in practice, that is no different than when we use tools to support other good habits like eating healthfully (we plan menus for the week) exercise (we schedule time to workout), making sure we have enough $ in the bank (we budget and save).

Jvo- Perfectionism is good example of deceptive advertising in the other direction (sounds good, feels bad). The term connotes high standards- but more often than not results in my not getting stuff done because I can't bear the weight of doing it perfectly. I'll regard my husband as lazy for being satisfied with a little bit at a time/something is better than nothing mentality- yet he seems to get the important stuff done and burns a lot less energy on the angst that comes with aiming for perfection. One of the biggest factors that drives my OCD/ perfectionism is wanting to feel in control. I don't know what the answer is, but I have a long way to go!

SL- Congrats both on running the 5K and beating your time!

Somehow this post (below) took a turn into more of a memoire thing. I hope you guys don't mind if I share it.
Beautiful day here. Wishing everyone a great day. Groceries going to arrive any minute. Gotta wrangle up Red. xo

PS Never seen a dog that can look both small and big the way this guy can. I ordered a mixed breed DNA kit from Amazon today. Excited to see what I learn from it.







Yesterday was a little painful emotionally. I had to go to Lord & Taylor to return something and the route takes me through the town I used to live in for the 10 years that I dated my husband before we got married (otherwise known as, my heavy drinking years.) In keeping with that theme & in an attempt to manufacture a little bit of dignity, I alternated between a handful of local liquor stores.. As I was driving I was imagining walking into one that was particularly depressing, Williams Wine & Spirits (Est. 1945)- owned I'm presuming by a father and son team. The father was thin with a beat red face and his mood alternated between drunk & chatty in a happy/sad way or hiding in the little office behind the counter with shaky hands in a cloud of shame. Always wearing a striped button down shirt and the same, dusty, tobacco colored, wide-wale corduroy blazer, he looked like a prep school teacher that had fallen out of his own life, like a coin might fall out of a pocket. The son was 10-15 years -younger than me. He & another guy his age with a twirled moustache worked together a lot of the time. I went to this place at least twice a week so I saw them quite a bit, and had heard the father engaging with customers on days when he was riding a happy drunk wave. It disgusted me because I saw myself in him.

On one occasion when I was the only customer in the store, he strode towards me wreaking of booze and eager to bask in his drunken good mood. I coldly turned my back to him (effectually closing a door in his face), but his spirits weren't dampened. Blind and numb to my dismissal, he took the extra steps necessary to travel around my back so he could make eye contact then smiling, asked if he could help me find anything. This irritated me even more. I always bought the cheapest wine in the biggest bottle, usually 2 of them and 2 regular sized bottles also. (I figured 1) as long as I was there....and 2) maybe the odd combination of bottle sizes would suggest that I was shopping for a party or guests). My problem humiliated me and the image of this pathetic man was the image of sad, pathetic, disgusting me. I was a bitch to him- cold, curt -like he was a shit covered mongrel. I hurt his feelings. I could see it in his face. It happened once again after that- the same situation except the son had seen and heard the interaction. Both father and son were good looking- the son seemed smart and mad at the world; a stoner with a chip on his shoulder and impressive vocabulary (used to see him doing complex crossword puzzles). He wore concert t shirts and looked like he didn't shower every day. I didn't shower every day. When I went to the counter to pay for my wine he looked at me with hared. He was mad, sad, embarrassed, resigned and disgusted because he saw right through my act. I could hear his thoughts- how dare you judge, how dare you belittle, he might be a drunk, but you're a drunk, a hypocrite AND a liar. Holding a steady gaze he handed me the bag and the receipt. Though no words were exchanged, his feelings were clear to me and he knew it. I was so ashamed. He was 100% right.

[j-vo]

You write beautifully Jane. Your expressions enable me to visualize everything you say, and to feel the emotions. If it helps, then write, because I for sure will read it!!

TT and Jane, I guess it doesn't matter if we identify as an alcoholic or not. It matters that we don't take the first drink and use our tools effectively. That's what really matters. Sometimes it helps me to say to myself that I am an alcoholic so I don't begin to delude myself, so that I know that I cannot safely drink. Whatever works!!

Election day here in the States. Going to vote after work. I haven't found out if I'm on the jury or not for this case. Will find out tomorrow. The case has 21 lawyers and they said it could take up to 10 days if we're chosen to serve. I made the first cut, but they're going to go through the whole process again tomorrow because 21 lawyers need to agree on 12 jurors plus 4 alternates. My fingers are still crossed that I get a chance to see this process. I think it'll be a great experience.

Have a great day Gloamers!

[Choices]

I really enjoyed reading your post Jane. And the pictures are gorgeous. I felt like I was there in the liquor store. I also frequented a few local ones around here. Just enough where they totally recognized me but I hoped they thought I was only shopping at their shop.. Like that was the only amount I bought for the week. I agree about the term alcoholic not being a really good way to describe exactly the problem I have in society. And I am able to stop if I really put in the effort. I think I'm like j-vo on this about it.. I tell myself I am so I don't think I can drink. I'll call myself an alcoholic in this forum because I'm not judged here. But in the world I wouldn't say I'm an alcoholic to people. Because the word is pretty all encompassing. Even if it is a disease. The word disease is a tough label too. But, I have a few diseases, that are skin related. It's just a condition really. People don't look at me an call me psoriasis. A good friend of mine is dying from cancer. She is my age 42 and the last thing she wants is to be called sick. Or questioned about her disease. It is a disease but it isn't 'her'.

[j-vo]

Beautiful pics, Jane!!!!! Lovely pooch!!!!

[jane27]

Thanks you guys! Xx

[little beagle]

Red is looking great Jane. He's beautiful. Great mental images about the liquor store. Since I live next door to the alcohol store, use to shop there every weekend, they definitely knew I had a problem. It really must have hurt their business when hubby and I both quit drinking.
SL and Pav I'm glad you got rain finally. what a relief.

[narilly]

Just checking in. I am really sleepy...

Jane, your dog is so cute.
Jvo, I can see you dancing in your car
Hi SL, Pav, good to see the rain. It snowed here yesterday and today. Winter is comin. It was -6 C this am.
LilB...you live by the liquor store? Holy moley.

Hi Choices, TT, NS everyone...

Good night.

[Pavati]

Hi, all:

Jane I love your description of drinking alcoholically. I still shy away from using that word. I believe that is the stigma society places on alcoholics that keeps me from using that work. I still feel a deep shame that I allowed "this" to happen. I am working on it, but will probably feel somewhat judged forever. I really don't care or obsess on it, it just keeps me from using the A word to describe my situation. I know that seems chicken shit, but there it is...

Another long, hard, fulfilling day. Off to bed. Gee am I glad it is not -6 here, Nar.

xo
Pav