Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

[scottish lass]

I love cooking shows too - but my kiddos often kick me off them!!! They like law & order, and NCIS etc!
Friday - car in for service, need new extractor fan in bathroom so odd job man coming round, and new windows tomorrow - $$$$$$$$:cuss:

Will hopefully spend a little more time reading this weekend and check in more..
Well done j-vo on 30 days and hope all goes as needed with your mum:hug:
G - 90 - you rawk!!!

[Eloise]

Making a pumpkin pie tonight and will bake it tomorrow for snack for art. I won't eat it though, it is more the process of making it I like.
It is going to be an extra special one I think.
This is how I celebrate Thanksgiving over here these days. I just make nice things to eat for a week, remind myself how luck I am to be American, and share the goodies with whomever shows up for art. I am happy to say I will see one family member this year for Thanksgiving, so that is cool. Love it!

[treetops]

Happy upcoming Thanksgiving Eloise and others. well as you know I am not an American but my daughter made a pumpkin pie the other night. Nothing to do with celebration but to use up last autumn's pumpkins and also because she likes the process of making pies and baking. Today we are going shopping for hiking gear as after her exams finish she is off into the mountains.
Just realized why I cant stand cooking shows. I used to watch them when I was drinking - and it was such a time waster. Pour, slurp and watch! Thats why I enjoy the other kind of shows cos I have to concentrate.
Thinking of you J-Vo - and hope your family has a lot of support.
Be good everyone else!

[Choices]

Hello everyone! Wow a lot going on. Happy 30 days j-vo! I'm sorry to hear of your mom, but like someone said it sounds like she is a little better? Must be tough. But your so smart to keep a clear head. And congrats G-man on 90 days! I can't wait to post that about myself. I have listened to the bubble hour Nar, and found it quite good. That was maybe a year ago, when I was thinking about quitting.. So I should tune in again. I really liked the killing, (American version) haven't scene the Scandinavian one yet. And game of thrones, the Vikings.., I like the series ones so you can just pick up where you left off.. I've got all my Thanksgiving supplies ready. I cook a big dinner every year. We don't have people coming over so I'm doing a ton of short cuts... And I have to give a talk about it at my daughters school... Which I can't believe I agreed to! I get anxiety over that kind of thing, and I didn't know some of the parents are coming until yesterday! Yeeks! I am happy to share it though.. Just butterflies. I will be thankful to not be hungover looking all those people in the eye that afternoon. Hubby and I are fighting today which really sucks. First actual fight since I've been sober. I don't at all feel like drinking... But my feelings got more hurt without something to numb them with. Lots of deep breaths. It's not a new type of fight. He is just in a bad mood and thinks it's me. I hate it. After his work day Monday he will realize how out of line he is and be nice again. I'm over it. But it's been the same dumb routine for 6 years. I think it's him and he thinks it's me. I guess nothing abnormal about that in a marital relationship. But I get so uncomfortable inside when he is like this. Oh well! This too shall pass and I am so glad to be sober. If I was drinking I would literally be swallowing my emotions or putting fuel on the fire and become a repetitive yelling nutter. So, sitting with it all and waiting for the storm to pass.

[Choices]

Thanks TT. I like the exotic flower bit. So what you wrote about the weekend is exactly the routine. Sometimes its every weekend for months, but he has gotten a lot better and now it's maybe once a month or every couple. I guess I should be looking at how it is becoming less frequent... And be grateful for that. It does seam to get pretty bad during the silly season... Lots of pressure on him to go to tons of functions.., really busy time etc. He is especially angry with me this weekend.

I use to think I actually did something wrong. But everything was the same last weekend and he could at least recognize when it was him being grouchy and say sorry. This weekend I just feel like a punching bag. I do all of the above things and it does work.. Or it doesn't. He can snarl in any situation. At the beach, in a restaurant . At home, in a low key, or stressful situation. It always is random... I'll think things are fine and get blindsided... Not sure why.. I haven't figured this out yet. So I don't let it bother me. I've been doing really good at not taking this dark mood of his personal... This time it was after my daughters swimming lesson... At the pool. I asked what time he wanted to go to the gym and was wondering what he felt like doing for the day so I could plan around him, His response was really mean and patronizing...

Tears just started rolling and I felt embarrassed because we see these people every week. He asked if I was going to be pissy now all day with him. It just sucked big time and I wished he would just go away for the day..night, rest of the weekend because I knew what I was in for. We got home. I made everyone lunch... I'd composed myself and was in professional wife, mum mode. Kinda just for my daughters sake. Well and for my sake also I was on eggshells to make anything worse. As soon as I thought it was a non confrontational time to leave.. I went to the mall to get stuff for my daughters birthday party which is the weekend after my retreat.

Not sure how the weather where you live is TT but it was miserable out and everyone and their mom was at the mall. I was meant to go to the supermarket as well .. But he had said the time he wanted to go to the gym... And I'd run out of time... So I came home. The house was in that stale state of negative vibes..and I just felt heavy in his presence. He then said he wanted to skip the gym and take a nap. Which annoyed me because the last time I was late for when he wanted to go to the gym he got pisses at that. And... Because I was trying to please him but we really needed milk for my daughter... Not something I could just go without.. Blah blah...

So he went upstairs and I figured I'll just take my daughter to the store with me and stay away ourselves for the rest of the day.., I went up to get my charger because my phone was flat ... And he gave this stink face that I should have ignored but I took the bait and my anger came out.. It turned into a screaming match. That I'm not proud of. About an hour later he snuck out of the house and drove off. So I made dinner for my daughter and a smoothie for me. (Only good thing about this because I didn't have to cook an f'n dinner on top of it).

Then I put daughter in the car, went to the supermarket and drove around until she was asleep. Came home to him watching television and this massive stonewall.. I put the shopping away, but baby in bed.. And high tailed it to my bedroom. So here I am typing this boring play by play of my day because I want a drink. Badly. As I drove sleeping daughter around I passed all the different liquor stores I frequented.., where I could easily pull up with daughter sleeping in the car and go in to get a bottle. I didn't, dare of course because I don't drink. But I feel like one. Nothing is in the house I won't sabotage myself. It's not worth it and won't help. I won't forget what happens by drinking, I'll only hurt myself and my daughter. Part of me thinks he is jealous that I'm happy and doing well... But I'm probably out of line saying that.

[lifechange]

Oh, Choices, I really feel for you. That sounds like a horrible day with your husband. I know that, putting on the professional wife and mom role to make it through.. I am very proud of you for sticking by YOURSELF and not drinking. You are 100% right that it would do nothing for you except make you miserable, regretful, stuck in square one. Regardless of how your husband is acting, how you're (not) getting along, you have the strength of your sobriety, your sane mind, the love and responsibility of your daughter, your health, all of these things on your side. Thank you for posting your day, step by step. I was just out and about, wanting to go to the gym because I'm feeling down..but thinking about how much "easier" it would be to get drunk and forget my problems.. I don't want to drink, not at all! But I was putting myself in danger by even letting the thoughts stay in my mind. My daughter ended up calling, needing me at home, so I did the shopping, came straight home, made some food and signed on here. I was able to get to the roots of my sadness and I know the most important thing I have going for me is my sobriety. It's the only chance I have at survival. My absolute best weapon and, at the same time, peace keeping tool.
I'm glad you have your retreat to look forward to.. it sounds like it's just what you need.

Hello to all Gloamers!

[j-vo]

Good Saturday afternoon,
Choices, you're handling a lot of situations like a pro. Keep taking care of yourself first and his issues next. I know that sounds selfish, but it's necessary if we are to stay af. I'm excited for your visit to school! Let us know how that goes. You'll do fantastic.

LC, you also handled your craving like a champ. We are champions and it's funny, but we don't have to fight to win. I think it's just the opposite. Let it go, let al use its energy, and we can sit back and roll with life. We don't need to fight a poison anymore. It's not even a real person. It doesn't deserve our precious energy.

Things are a bit emotional here. Dad, mom and sisters decided it would be in mom's best interests if she would stay here in Florida over the holidays. She much too weak now to travel, and we don't want to take any unnecessary risks. I'll be flying home tomorrow, then coming back on December 24 to be with them. Sisters are unable to come, but I'm grateful my schedule allows me to do this and be with them.

Have a good Saturday.

[Pavati]

Hi, All:

Choices, that sounds like a really crappy day. I think that you don't deserve to be treated like that. Do you ever try to talk to him when he's not in that mood, and try to figure out where that comes from? I know you are just venting one fight, but take care of yourself. Nobody deserves to have to walk on eggshells in her own house. And you are RIGHT - you don't drink. Good work.

You, too, LC. Play it to the end. You don't drink. One would never be enough. Etc. You know the drill.

J-Vo - I'm glad you'll get to go back and see your mom, and I hope she starts feeling better. I hope your dad has some support in Florida, too.

Happy SOBER Saturday, Nest. Off to get some work done.

xo
Pav

[lifechange]

Tonight has been my biggest challenge yet! Suckaronies, as the girls say when something sucks!
I feel (still!) the strongest pull to drink, to make myself oblivious to life. I have the girls here with their friends and I've been trying to pull myself out of my pity party and into their reality, which is laughing and dancing and being merry.. of course all without being under the influence of some stupid drug. I made dinner and ate so much I feel sick. I've actually lost about 6 kilos the past couple of months and I'm fairly certain I put it all back on today.
My ex has friends (actually they're my friends now, too) visiting.. just arrived today. The man has a birthday and upon their arrival, champagne was opened and poured into 3 glasses, one glass of AF bubbly for the woman, who is pregnant. I took the glass handed to me and poured it back into the bottle, saying I'd also have the AF. Thankfully they finished off the bottle, because there might have been a chance of me finishing it off otherwise. I realised tonight that it isn't safe for me to have any alcohol in the house at this point. I'd forgotten about that simple tool.
So here I am. Still not feeling great, but feeling, slowly, like it's all letting up and that I'll be so fucking relieved to have an Un-hung morning. Now, in this moment, I could cry at how I almost convinced myself that drinking would make it better. Mostly I thought I'd be, at least, in a better mood with the kids. Thank God, I stayed plugged in here and just kept reading what you all, and those all over the boards, had to say!
Thank you..

[Choices]

I agree Pav I don't deserve it at all. We have had tons of discussions about this and he agrees I don't deserve it too. But when we are in the middle of it he is not thinking strait and really thinks believes it's me. We went to couples therapy and the therapist talked to us about anger and the levels of it. She had said, which seamed to ring true to me, that anger at a high level is equal to being drunk... Our brains can't think rationally etc.. When I first moved here to be with him it was worse. I didn't have a car, no friends, not quite sure what to do with my time ... and I also had all this guilt that I wasn't contributing enough financially (the financial part was completely self imposed) it was miserable. And because he was my everything and I didn't talk to anyone for hours on end... I was frantic for him to turn his mood around begging, pleading. Saying it was my fault anything to try and turn it around.

One thing I know for sure is nothing turns it around. Except when he decides to act normal again. Now, I don't really care what his problem is, and try really hard not to let it affect me or take it personal. I've made a really good life for myself, and have my daughter.. Now I just wish he'd leave the house. I don't like him when he is this way. And I want him to go away so my daughter and I can have a peaceful day. He is fine with her.. Which I'm glad for her... But it also pisses me off because I know he actually does have control over himself.. But just decides to be abusive to me anyway.

When we do talk about this he knows it's him, and is very sorry... Blah blah.. I don't feel mad anymore because his behavior stops and we go on with our pretty good life. It's not at all fair to me, but at least I know it now... And don't internalize it.

Not sure why it hit me so hard this time. I don't feel pms at the moment but the timing is right so that could have been why the tears flowed when they might not of otherwise... Ug... Yep I'm excited for my retreat, then the weekend after next, he has a work function Friday, and poker night Saturday. So I'll be in the clear then.. I love his poker night (I know that must sound strange). And I forgot what his schedule is for work travel but he should be gone a few nights in the next few weeks. I use to dread when he went away. Now I look forward to it like it is a vacation off of work for myself.

[Guitarista]

Good work LC. Stay the course.

Thinking we need booze to have a better time is an illusion. You're a champion!

xpost. Hi Choices. Hope you have a peaceful weekend.

[NoSugar]

You didn't do it, LC, and that's the important thing and Choices, please hang in there no matter what :hug:.

I think J absolutely nailed it here:

We are champions and it's funny, but we don't have to fight to win. I think it's just the opposite. Let it go, let al use its energy, and we can sit back and roll with life.

My flights are screwed up, but I'm rolling with it. You don't see me in the Wine Bar down the way with so many others at a bit after noon... I'm a champ, checking in with my MWO buddies :smile:.

[Guitarista]

You didn't do it, LC, and that's the important thing and Choices, please hang in there no matter what :hug:.

I think J absolutely nailed it here:

My flights are screwed up, but I'm rolling with it. You don't see me in the Wine Bar down the way with so many others at a bit after noon... I'm a champ, checking in with my MWO buddies :smile:.

You are a champ indeed SB! Vintage Jvo with those words. I take that approach mentally now. Let al do what it will do.....let my thoughts be what they are.....I don't have to act on every single thought or whim. I can let them be.....my thoughts aren't always me or who I am.

[treetops]

Hi there folks. How are you today Choices? Good on you and LC for absolutely reminding yourselves that you don't drink. I feel for you NS being stuck in the airport. Know that too well but today me and Mr GB are off to a brunch/lunch. It should be fun but it's related to my work so who knows? The great thing is that I don't have to worry about drinking and making a twit of myself. Although I am just as loquacious without booze and in fact have even stronger opinions!
Can I ask Choices but about how old is your husband?

[Choices]

Hubby is 44