Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

[treetops]

I am really glad that your weekend went well for you Choices. Pity there wasn't more outdoor activity because the spot you were in is perfect. The whole special drink/wine thing sounds a bit unnecessary.

[Choices]

I agree, it was sorta silly, I would guess they wouldn't even bother with it if they do it again. No one seamed to really care about the booze, but I think they were trying to be thoughtful hosts. It was their first time putting it together, so they were trying to think of anything and everything that would make it a relaxing getaway for mums. It was really creative how they transformed the camp to look like a spa. I luckily got there about 2 hours early before the whole thing started to have a long walk and read a book at the beach.. Unfortunately it was raining the whole time, so Most of the outdoor stuff got cancelled, and we were inside. The sound of the birds in the early morning was amazing. My husband and I went out there quite a bit before having our girl, and have done a lot of the tramps they are spectacular. I even missed the 30min one they did this morning because I accidentally slept in..I actually like the full day ones so will have to find the time to get some in this summer. Next retreat I go on I think I'll make it a yoga one specifically. Or go on an overnight tramping one where you stay in huts. But being fed all weekend this amazing vegetarian food made it all worth it.

[narilly]

Choices, that sounds like a nice time. Sometimes it's just good to get away and learn new things. Glad you had no AL issues.

Life, Germany would definitely be a neat place to live. It is crazy about the drinking at 16 though. It is good that you are feeling more at peace with your life. I am too as I get older. I still regret drinking so much in school as a teenager and in Uni but those experiences made me who I am today. What's done is done, right? JVo, you are awesome ...don't let those memories get you down.

TT, New Zealand sounds so cool...although Canada is cooler...I mean Colder! It's definitely on my list of places to visit.

SL, I love craft fairs. Sounds like you had fun.

Stay sober everyone. Tomorrow will be Un Hung Sun.

[Pavati]

Hi, All:

Good to see you back, SL. That sounds like a perfect three days to me. Ice cream? Beach? Your children? How lovely.

Choices - that was a good idea about the drink. Sounds like a good retreat. I actually warm up quite quickly to camp-like activities as I LOVED camp as a kid. I guess that's why I work with high schoolers - i get to do all that stuff for a living. Welcome back.

Happy UN HUNG Saturday.

I'm off to bed. When I am on vacation I never get enough sleep because I over book myself. I will sleep well tonight.

xo
Pav

[Choices]

Hi everyone, just waking up. It's nice to be home. Just really feeling a lot of gratitude that I am back in MWO and sober again. I didn't really drink in high school or uni. I did, and when I did, the goal was to get drunk. But it wasn't very often. I think it was because I was pretty focused on school and I probably would have to drop out if I drank too much as I just can't function well. My drinking picked up after school when I didn't have much structure. But really spiked in my 30's especially around 35. That's when I developed a dependence for sure. It really became a jail. I'm so relieved I'm out!

[narilly]

Choices, that is great. It is way better than drinking since you were 12 which is what I did. At least I quit now and that is the main thing right? We all started at different times in our lives but obviously none of us can drink worth a sh--. So its good to have quit!

Hey, what are you all doing on an Un Hung Sun? We should have a blog, things that you can do when you are Un Hung.

1. Get up early
2. Get all your chores done by 9 or 10am and then have the rest of the day to do whatever
3. Have breakfast with your significant which may be yourself at 8am
4. Drink coffee by 8am and watch the sunrise
5. Talk on MWO, Facebook or whatever and be done by 8am or 9am and have the rest of the day to...
6. If you have a dog, you can take it for a walk by 8am

Oh yeah!

[scottish lass]

Glad you had a good time Choices!
Still smiling after my three days of fun - got to catch up with what needs to get done though!
Nar - what time do you get up to get everything done by 9am!!!:congratulatory:
I got up early today, its just passed noon now and the list is still long! Off I go to get it done...chat later

[j-vo]

Nar, when I'm off work, I'm lucky if I get started with anything by noon!

Finished a little decorating. It usually takes me much longer, but we won't be hosting this year as planned, as I'll be visiting my parents in Florida. So a warm xmas, and I welcome that!

I was feeling a bit down last night, don't know where it came from. I shouldn't try to analyze every little feeling, as it's just gonna go away and a good one will come.

I'm going to sit and enjoy my decorations while I proofread son's scholarship essay. Not fun, but if I get it finished, maybe a movie? Watched Trainwreck last night. It was a cute comedy with Amy Shumer. She's hilarious.

Have a good night/day all.

[Choices]

Yeah, Nar, 12 sounds really young, but I don't think it's uncommon. And it doesn't equal problem drinking or alcoholism either in my option.. I think that can happen at any age maybe not to anyone, but it's possible. I totally agree with you about stopping being the main thing. Did you have older siblings? I think my younger sister got drunk for the first time at either 12 or 13 because of me. I'm really not proud of that.

Pav, I loved camp as a kid too. I think it's wonderful that you work with kids! Now that it's the next day, I'm realizing how much I actually really did need to sing and dance. Play.. The actual warming up part was SO uncomfortable because I had let myself get very stressed out and uptight about the day to day things. I couldn't relax. At one point I kinda felt scared like everyone was drinking the Kool aid... Kind of thing, but today I am really seeing the benefit of letting yourself go naturally.. Without alcohol. I had the best night with my girl last night.

I just spent the day in the garden, and was thinking I just can't believe how strong a force alcohol can be to have taken me away again for an 18 month relapse. I am so relieved I have stopped again. I had gotten to where I was escaping through alcohol more then I was present and that is terrifying. Life really is not something I want to miss..

[Pavati]

Hi, Gloamers:

Nar, love that list. For me, since it was a vacation weekend, I stayed in bed, read and drank coffee until 9am with NOTHING finished. Sigh - back to work tomorrow.

I just wrote this on the 100 day thread. I'll post it here, too, and get your thoughts if you have time.
_________________________________________

I am nearing two years, and like I did last year, I am feeling a big off kilter. Last year was worse and longer, but the last two days, since I remembered how close this anniversary is, I have started getting a little discombobulated. I am happy and confident in my sobriety, but I do have the "really?" feeling more often lately. Even though it doesn't make scientific sense, I get mad with myself for not seeing this coming, and mad at myself for not being able to control my drinking.

Honestly, I believe and KNOW that my life is so much better with alcohol, and I would never go back to that hell I was in two years ago for the world. I don't understand this pity party I am throwing myself at big milestones. I know NoSugar had some good words for me last year. NS? You still have those words?

Do any of you long timers have these feelings any more? At big milestones?

Anyway - I am excited to celebrate on Wednesday. I'll keep it at that.

Night, Gloamers.

xo
Pav

[lifechange]

Hi Gloamers..
I've read back and am thinking of you all!!
Just had a very busy weekend, of my own making, Nar, because I was Un-hung!! Gosh, it feels good..
But I will have to wait until my afternoon to take the time to reply here properly.. don't want to get out of the loop with you wonderful (G)Ladies..
hugs to you all and wishing you a happy, Un-hung Monday..

[treetops]

Pav - try not to let that ho-hum feeling get the better of you. Maybe think of it like looking back on a past relationship that went sour - tinged with bitter-sweet memories and feelings.
You asked how old-timers might respond and I guess I sort-of qualify in that department. For me, I have never invested too much in the whole milestone thing - or even the counting sober days. Yes, I know when I quit AL - but I dont obsess over the date and never have.
I also don't over-glamorize my sober life and I have never blamed too much on just AL. I know that is contrary to many people's approach and experience. There are lots of other factors involved in why we have problems in the past and these dont alway go away with sobriety. Maybe some folk over-invest in the magic pixie dust of sobriety (I dont mean you do!) and so there is the feeling of 'is that all there is'? Some people have the answers for themselves and feel utterly content - and good luck to them. But me, I continue to be a work in progress.
One absolute thing I do celebrate with being sober is being alive - because I knew I was killing myself by drinking. But that means that I have to face up to the fact that sometimes I get depressed and feel really flat and find it hard to remind myself of this gift of life. Like I said, its a work in progress.
It is good to celebrate and we will do that with you.
I hope my thoughts haven't been too contradictory.

[Choices]

Sorry your feeling discombobulated Pav, that's got to be a bit frustrating. Could it be because your quit date is at this time of year? I know the holidays can bring up lots of memories good and bad for me regarding drinking during this time. Or use to anyway. I think a two year milestone is not easy to come by and I really respect the hard work it takes to stay quit. So, well done. Writing what you wrote is exactly the kind of honesty that keeps a person in check and less likely to slip. Everyone is different with their motivation, I like the milestone part of it because it keeps me in check and I like feeling some pride in how far I've come. Like a bench mark kind of thing.. Reminding me of where I'm at. But I'm not hung up on it. It is really only a measurement. Not the end all be all by a long shot in my option. And it is very personal how each person feels about it. It's good you mentioned how two years ago you were in hell.

For me once I started drinking again and couldn't stop, I kept beating myself up for a good part of a year that I couldn't control myself with alcohol. And suffering the shame of starting again. My relationship with drinking was even worse because I thought (because I'd quit before), I'd be able to do it again if I really thought it was becoming a problem again. My thinking was toxic. I just kept screwing with my head so that I could keep trying to control a substance that I will never be able to control. I just began to fail myself daily. I completely forgot how much better being sober is for me. Those pixy dust days are a gift when they come, but they are few and far between. And for me get less and less the longer sober I am. But I really believe the reason I was susceptible to a slip or relapse is because some of the pain I was going through I was ill prepared to handle. I was doing my best at the time too. The problems I had/have/work on are still there for sure. It's actually kind of lucky I can't drink or I may never got the chance to deal with my shit so I could actually find some peace. Or at least glimpses of it, wonderful ones that are not in an obliterated haze. And that I don't have to pay for with my mind body and soul. They are hangover free.

[j-vo]

Hi Pav,
I may not have too much wisdom in this area, but as I was trying to find answers about years of sobriety and how one may feel at different points, I didn't get a textbook answer. What I found was that for some, reaching a milestone may be anticlimactic. For others, they may feel a huge accomplishment and be over the top proud of themselves. At five years sober, there's a 15 percent chance of relapse. To me, that says something. It says that at 2 years, you're still going through many changes emotionally. It says that this is a journey, and you're still going to feel those ups and downs. But isn't that life? Maybe this feeling you're having is something you need to recognize as a "warning" that you're still learning, still growing into this sobriety thing. I know you had seen a counselor before. Maybe you should reconnect with her to talk about some of the things you're feeling at this point in your sobriety. Sometimes we all need that extra help. I read something that said, "Recovery didnt give me my old life back, it gave me a new one." Look at your new life compared to the drinking one. At two years, I think it's good to continue to appreciate the new life sobriety has given us. Remember, no matter how much time one has, we are only one drink away from hell. If that's all it is, then we can be grateful. Thanksgiving Masacre never has to happen again. If that's what sobriety means, then it's worth it. For me, not being found at the bottom of the steps and being transported in an ambulance to the hospital is worth not drinking. Thank God I don't have to do that to my loved ones ever again. Everyday we can be free of those fears. Keep your sobriety at the top of your list. Remember how good it is, and how peaceful your life has become. Maybe it's time for a new hobby!

[NoSugar]

I am happy and confident in my sobriety, but I do have the "really?" feeling more often lately. Even though it doesn't make scientific sense, I get mad with myself for not seeing this coming, and mad at myself for not being able to control my drinking.

I sometimes get mad/frustrated with myself all over again, too, Pav. It's not like there weren't clues that there was a developing problem. I ignored them. Those feelings come not so much because I really want to drink again but because I regret what I missed during those years - the opportunities I passed up because I chose to drink instead, the memories that are blurred.

When I looked around the Thanksgiving table last week and all the other adults had a glass of wine, I also thought, "Really? I can't drink one?". But no, I can't, and so I didn't. I think Choices' observation that having an anniversary around a holiday that includes drinking might be part of why you're feeling the way you do. It's never all that great to feel "different" even when you know that you're doing the right thing.

Sounds trite, but the only thing I know to do is acknowledge how I feel and try to then let those feelings go, knowing that we can't change the past - good or bad. I have trouble letting go of the past, enjoying the present, and anticipating the future. I tend to miss what was.

I was looking at some photos of my kids when they were young over the weekend and was overcome with nostalgia and longing for those days although I love the adults they have become and my relationships with them. Sometimes I look at my husband and while I'm so grateful we've been together all these years, I wonder where they've gone. We're so much older but I can still feel what it was like at the beginning - the feelings of adventure, anticipation, and excitement - and I miss that. Our kids have babies now and I've had the (shocking to me) emotion of jealousy - I want to be at that stage of life and do it all again.

But the one thing I would do differently is I would not begin to drink. I think that is what helps me stay on this new path we've all chosen, even when I'm feeling sad or left out -- I wish I hadn't done it the first time so I know I don't want do it again. And while, like TT said, not drinking isn't the cure-all for every problem, I do believe that everything in my life is relatively better because I no longer drink.

I think your feelings are normal, Pav. I'd encourage you to just feel them, not judge them, not be too hard on yourself, and move on. xx, NS