Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

[lifechange]

Hi Ladies!

Me, too, Pav, with both regards to David Bowie and sewing..

Just stopping by quickly to say hello.. another busy week at work and with the girls. Had to spend 4 hours and 105 bucks yesterday at the embassy getting a new passport for my eldest.. so looking forward to visiting my family this march!!!

Nar, I lived in AK for several years and I loved the crisp, clear mornings.. and even more, I loved heading back indoors-

Wishing you all a fab and un-hung Tuesday..
xo

[Choices]

Hi everyone,

I had a so-so day... it wasn't bad, but I was sad. I'm pretty sure it's PMS the timing is right on cue. Lots of drinking thoughts.. I don't drink so doing well... on that front.. But I think it's important to post that, so that I stay healthy. I have been taking it slow, and for the past two days.. didn't work out. But I've been eating really healthy.

Sara has been talking in full sentences and it's getting really fun to have actual conversations with her. I love how she thinks. Adorable isn't really the right word, innocent? Fresh? I cleaned out our very jumbled garage today and we found a dead monarch butterfly. She kept talking to it and saying she wished I could fix it. And brought a bowl of water so it wouldn't be so dry. Last night she was very interested in a shadow on the ceiling and told me all these things that were in her mind about it. In the morning she looked up and commented how it was gone.. and had a lot more to say.

Yeah, lots of thoughts. kept creeping in on wanting to escape the blues feeling I had... through using alcohol. This sad feeling will pass, it always does.. and it always happens around this time of the cycle. Thank goodness I know why I might be down. And sometimes days are like that. Drinking would either drown it out and flatten me for tomorrow.. or intensify the sadness, or even anger I'm feeling. I'm glad I have Sara. She is quite a bright light in my life. Sorry to be a downer! Ug! I'm not sure how many days I am, but.. my journey this time is coming up on 3 months.. and I can tell the strength it's giving me to be farther and farther away from my life with alcohol. I do like this life so much better! And I maybe at a similar time in days from my last drunk.. I'm only noting this to figure out whats going on in my drinking pattern.. so I can break it for the long term. Peace to you all.

[Choices]

I just checked the date to date calculator..

I went close to 60 days the first time and now I'm just over a month.. so it must be PMS.. For some reason.. tracking kinda helps.. It's like swimming laps.. just one more.. just one more...

[j-vo]

Choices, at least you're able to identify what is making you down and also know that it'll pass. Don't blink, because your daughter will be graduating from high school if you do. Take lots and lots of videos. I'm so grateful for having videos, although when I watch, I just cry, mostly happy, laughing tears.

LC, you're coming to the states! Awesome! Arizona?

Feeling low today also and didn't sleep much last night. Spoke to Dad on the phone last night and mom is doing 'so-so' acording to him. If that's the rating he gave her, then it's worse. Her health is going downhill very fast. I'm leaving on Saturday morning, flight at 5:50 a.m. And will be with them for a week. I'll do everything I can to relieve my dad, as a caretaker for this condition is 24/7. It's funny, but when Mom is sitting in a chair and smiling, she looks 100% healthy. She has good color in her face and she's still able to smile, get around with someone next to her (with walker), but three months ago, she was able to speak normally, walk on her own...I'm going to have a talk with Dad about when they plan on coming back north, because I want it to be earlier than originally planned. None of us knew that this would be happening so fast. Maybe I'm exaggerating, but I don't think I am. Sorry to bore you with this. Just needed to get my thoughts out as it helps. I'm grateful for the support of my husband and people at work. And all of you.

[jane27]

Jvo, That is rough. I had no idea ALS can progress so quickly or that it was severely incapacitating. And of course your Mom did nothing to deserve it. I realize that sounds sheltered because bad things happen to good people all the time, but when I went through one of these experiences (sister w/ acute liver failure) it REALLY threw me for a loop. I think I might have had post traumatic stress syndrome for a couple of years after. There is no way to prepare for watching the life of someone you love wind down.For perspective, I caught a fish once and couldn't get it off the hook to throw it back. Watching it suffer was terrible, and I had flashbacks for weeks.

I am so glad you are with us, sober and posting daily, because its not just your mother's illness on the table. You are going through something too and its separate from anything else. When my sister went through her thing, I blew my feelings off thinking Id make better use of my energy by focusing it all on her. That bit me later on. When it was over, I felt like I survived a car jacking and was thrown out of a car blindfolded. When I took the blindfold off I didn't recognize anything around me.

Feeling bad is going to happen. It'll come and go cyclically but without pattern. Hang in there, and keep doing all the good stuff you are doing. You know you have a safe haven here.

Wishing all my Gloamers a nice day. I have the dentist today. Speaking of teeth, I need to get into the habit of brushing Red's. Anyone have any experience with this?

Love to all

[j-vo]

She's lost 9 more lbs. because she can't eat much. Dad has to put all of her food in nutribullet now. It sucks. And I am crying and talking about it when I need to. And thanks for listening. I just have to figure out a good time to cry because crying in the middle of the night...well, have to work the next day. And I feel as though I'm not good for anyone today. Kind of like a hangover. But not as bad!

[jane27]

Jvo, If you are physically tired, let that take the #1 priority slot and park your guilt (about not feeling like your good for anyone) in an underground garage. It'll still be there when you feel better. Guilt is one of those things you never have to worry abut losing track of. lol If only cell phones and keys were the same. When you feel bad, put you first. When you feel better, you'll be back to hitting homers. xxxx

[available]

J hang in there. It is never easy to watch someone die of anything. From my knowledge by the time ALS (or motor neuron disease as it is called here) is diagnosed they have already had the disease for a year or so, so progression is quite rapid. It is an awful disease and working in neurology it is heartbreaking when we diagnose someone with this disease.

Many a time during Roberts cancer journey i wanted to drink, just to forget for an hour or a day but what would it solve me being pissed? Nothing. It would not cure Robert's cancer, it would not keep him on this earth any longer, all it would do is take me back to day 1. Tell someone how you feel, its normal but be accountable to someone close to you. I told Robert and he told me in no uncertain terms that he was never to be the reason i drank. Your mum would not want you to drink that is a fact. She needs all the love and support you can give and so does your dad and that is sober. I am so grateful that for the two years that he was battling cancer that i was totally sober to be there for him. I have no regrets at all and i know if i drank that would not be the case.

Hugs to you J, this is a shit time in your life but you will look back and be proud of yourself that you were fully there for your mum and looking after yourself also.

[j-vo]

I can't type back as almost at sons game. I appreciate your thoughts. Very much. And no, mom knows very well of my history with alcohol and she would never want me to drink. Today was an emotional one for me. The closest person I lost were my grandparents at 23 years old and I lived with them at the time Of their deaths. That was really rough but this is different. It's mom. I will not drink because it would make things a million times worse. i did wonder today what non allies do when they're losing a loved one and I decided they just feel the pain and talk about it. And cry. That's what I'll do. Hope this came out right because I'm on my mind hone.

[little beagle]

You have a lot of reasons to be proud of yourself J-vo. Being present and sober. Helping ease your mother's concern for you at this time. As a mother you know how it feels to watch your child struggle with something you are unable to help them with. And knowing your mother doesn't have that worry on her mind right now. That's huge. It really is. Being able to help your Dad. Emotionally support them both. And your still doing so much. Helping us here. Teaching a challenging school year. Your son's senior year of school. I'm just so proud of you.

[narilly]

JVo, you are probably going through one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through. I am amazed at your strength and determination to be there for your family. It is so good that you are strong in your sobriety. I can't even imagine being drunk and hung over right now. it really sucks that your mom is going downhill so fast. ALS is brutal.

Well hello Ava, nice to see you. Drop by more often, I miss you here!

Stay sober peeps.

[treetops]

I also want to say that what you are doing J-Vo is very special and must mean a lot to your Mum, your Dad - and the rest of your family including your son.
Ava - that was a sweet message as we dont see you so much here. It still is so soon for you since Robert's death.
I am not in one of my chirpiest moods - these past few days. Feeling very flat. I know why (various things happening that I can't do much about) but the mood feels like a blanket smothering me sometimes. AL isn't even a worry or a thought.

Did you know that Bowie was sober for several years in later life? He was still so creative - just shows how sobriety does not have mean that the mojo disappears!

[j-vo]

Thank you all for your posts as it really helps me. I guess I also was having anxiety about my upcoming trip. I hear the strain in Dad's voice and I worry about him so much. I worry what Mom
will look like or what symptoms got worse even though I saw her two weeks ago. I worry that I won't see her until the third week of March (after this upcoming trip) and how will she be then, two full months after this. Right now I need to live in the present moment as much as I can. I read something Bowie's wife Iman wrote two days before his death...(something like this)

Sometimes you never know the value of a moment until it's a memory

I will value my moments with Mom this upcoming week. I will value the three of us being together and be present. I will do everything I can for Dad, and just being there I think relieves some of his stress.

[Choices]

Sending you lots of love and strength Jvo. Xx

[available]

Dont think about the future J, just go with the now. I remember going to visit Robert at lunch time and standing outside his room to plaster a smile on my face when inside i was breaking but remember you need to look after yourself as well. I know I did everything right, i was sober and remembered. I know i was so very angry at some stages and so very sad at others but thats normal and its okay to feel that way. Everything you are going through is okay, there is no right or wrong way to handle this. As long as you are okay you will be just okay.

As you say, value your time, you never know when the end will be but dont feel guilty J, that is an emotion you dont need in your life.

Hey Nar its nice to pop in. Life seems so damn busy now and here i was wondering what i would do with all that time not drinking. Im thinking of looking for a man atm but god i so cant be bothered! The gym seems more appealing!

Yes Tree its not been a month since Robert died and i have sad days. I ran into a cleaner who worked where Robert was in the hospital yesterday and she gave me a cuddle and asked how i was going. She said to me "everyday you visited, everyday you were there" you must miss him very much. I do miss him very much but i have such good memories that outweigh the end of his life. I miss the emails, i miss the texts, i miss the deep friendship we had and i miss him.

I do know i need some cooler weather, this 41 degrees is doing my head in.