Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

[little beagle]

This days are adding up J-vo.
I have the house to myself. Why should I help him achieve his dream? He wants to leave. Leave. Don't use me to do it and tell me you want away from me constantly. I'm feeling a bit more peaceful. Like stopping drinking. Only much harder for me.

[j-vo]

Jane!!!! I love my new avatar!!! How timely and perfect for me!! Thanks for this. It's awesome!

LB, I'm glad you're feeling more peaceful, yet talking about your thoughts. That's what we're here for. You work hard, you're a wonderful person, woman, and you deserve better than that. Don't you forget it. Love you.:heartbeat:

Yay! It's 4 months and it feels damn good. And I have a day off to boot! Ice here in the Burgh. Son and I both have off as all schools in the area do. I'm gonna enjoy this milestone and I'm grateful for all of your support in getting here. Thank you.:yay::hug:

[Pavati]

Hi, All:

Congratulations, J-Vo, and hang in there, LB.

I wrote this in the nest -

Hi, Everyone:

Sorry for going MIA - I've had a weird couple of days.

First, I have felt unusually anxious and depressed. I don't really want to do anything, and I simultaneously want to do everything. Both conditions have me feeling guilty - and feeling sort of being in between. I'm neither doing nothing nor everything (nice double negative), which logically seems ok, but I am ill at ease for some reason.

Second, I am having my recurring dream this week - every night. It is different, but always involves the ocean/ floods/ big waves/ undertows, etc. I long ago translated this dream for myself as my "I don't have control" dream. I had a crazy, crazy couple of weeks the last two weeks - good and bad. I guess I really didn't have control over a lot of it, and my subconscious is feeling it.

Third, I wanted a drink on Sunday more than I have in a while. I never feel like I'm close to drinking, but I have heard of people who relapse who NEVER saw it coming. I am heeding my own advice, and observing my feelings and thoughts with caution. There are clearly some things I need to deal with so I can get out of this funk.

and Fourth, I wasn't posting here, and getting my support. I naturally think it is all linked. I wasn't purposely not posting, I would just find myself in bed for the night, and deciding to skip checking in. My place is very small, and we share computers and space. I don't like posting in front of everyone, so sometimes I lose my self-imposed window.

Anyway - all of this to say, I'm here, I'm ok, and luckily I know that this, too, shall pass. Thanks for being here for me.

_________________________________________________

I'm off to do some things but not everything.

xo

Pav

[treetops]

Pav - its good that you posted. Even after being long term sober, the anxieties or crises or general funk can lead to vague thoughts or an intense desire to drink. In a way this desire also becomes another source of anxiety and therein lies the 'f…k it' why not attitude. You won't drink, you know that and we know that.
I also get the double-bind of intensely wanting to do/achieve things and at the same time do nothing. Usually its work related. Usually this is tied up with guilt, anxiety for me. Sometimes it comes about when I compare myself to others. I think many professional people with alcohol problems are not so much the high fliers (who knows you might be one!) but the not quite at the top people. That is, we are not dedicated Type -A's but we were schooled in this way and we tend to compare or work with people who are Type A's, Nothing will stop me, kind of people. I dont know if that makes sense but thats what often bugs me. Its not healthy and I have to step back and smell the roses, take pride in my own work, my family's small achievements and so on. I am trying really really hard not to compare myself to others but I work in an environment where this is endemic and actually part of the whole performance thing. But hey, I am getting old and at the end of the day - what really matters?
That rambling may not be relevant to you but I thought I should share. I also get the watery ocean dreams from time to time, often with a tsunami thrown in, or my mother drowning, for good symbolic effect. Also I did once sense a feeling of drowning in the ocean, and I have been in some rough seas, so I am nervous about this.

LB - you are right, if he is leaving then that is up to him and you have to sort your life and space out. Which you are doing - and it is so hard.

Another 4 months J-Vo! Will be a piece of cake.

OK- time for me to read my emails and get neurotic and anxious about what I have to do! Trying to keep the humor flowing today for myself.

[jane27]

Hi gang,

Pav, it was great to hear from you and I am glad that you are keeping a protective eye on your quit, sharing your feelings with us. I don't know if surprised is the perfect word, but for lack of anything closer- I'm surprised by how often I miss drinking, and think, God, do I wish I could just tie one on like the old days. It doesn't unnerve me as much as it would have during the 1st year of sobriety; (maybe I would have been more vulnerable to getting sucked in by it then?) but its not the greatest feeling in the world. If I stand away from myself and look at the situation from the outside in, I think that maybe I dare to allow myself to be in touch with these urges because it is reality, and my 2 years of sobriety have given me the muscle I need to acknowledge and reconcile them by thinking about what would happen if I did just say fuck-it, only-this-one-time, I'll-pick-up where-I was.

I do miss being able to flip a switch and inject wild, crazy and spontaneous fun into my marriage. I'm not the same person without the alcohol. I'm not mischievous, daring or fun in the reckless way that I could be when I was drinking. My husband is very much the straight guy- by straight, I mean serious, not a drinker, quiet & comes off as a stiff to people that meet him for the first time. This worked very well for me/us- his character served to off set my wild and crazy, and I got away with a lot more than I would have if I behaved that way without him by my side. If/when I ever behaved like that on my own- it always ended badly. I figured that out quickly, and stopped it. I wouldn't trade in my grip on life to put the alcohol handcuffs back on, but as plain as the colors red and blue- I miss being provocative, risque, fun, (slutty, quite frankly).

It is what it is. Everything comes with a price tag. I'm grateful I figured out that the cost of that freedom isn't equal to the price of the handcuffs.

G's been awol for a few days. I hope he's still wearing his sober boots. Feeling under the weather and achey today so keeping things simple to do wise. Id rather put 2 things down on my list and get them done, than put down 10 and crawl under the covers.
Hugs to all

PS Anyone watching Billions? Am sort of intrigued with Damien Lewis. And Rupert Friend (Homeland), and Matthew Rhys (Americans) , and of course thanks to the tip from TT, Dominic West (The Affair). Never really dug British men before, but with the accent removed, my oh me oh my.

[NoSugar]

That fun, spontaneous, raunchy :wink: woman is you, Jane, you're just not expressing that part of yourself. Alcohol definitely lowers our inhibitions so I totally understand what you mean but it doesn't create anything that we aren't already. I also miss the more open, loving, goofy person that emerged when I drank but over time, alcohol more often uncovered the lethargic, disinterested, unmotivated slacker who also apparently is in there somewhere. I think the 'fun from lowered inhibitions' stage was gone by the time I was addicted and drinking to basically raise myself up to 'ok'.

It was good to hear from you, Pav. It sounds like your work life is challenging in a good way but nonetheless, that can be stressful. It sounds like you're remaining very self-aware and not letting yourself forget what's important. I've also had weird, intense dreams this week. In mine, I've done something awful and am trying to cover my tracks. The other morning, I laid in bed in that half-asleep state trying to figure out if I really had murdered someone several years ago. It took what seemed like a long time to determine that no, I hadn't, and it was just a dream . It reminded me of the old bad days of lying there trying to figure out all that had occurred the night before.

But hey, I am getting old and at the end of the day - what really matters?

This list is all over the internet and the older I get, the more I suspect it is correct:

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.
People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them. When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.
Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

[jane27]

NS, I love your posts the way I love Erma Bombeck and Nora Ephron. Thank you

[treetops]

Jane - the naughty, 'slutty' woman is still there as NS says. But AL definitely makes it easier to unleash. I know when I drank I had a lot of fun (and anguish) and took risks (esp with men) that I wouldnt probably do sober (actually thats not quite true). Some of those risks paid off - thats how I met Mr GB (drunk at a party). But over the years Mr GB got fed up with that side of me and by the end refused to partake in any 'physical' activities if I had had so much as a teaspoon of AL. It wasn't that I was a mess or sloppy or anything - it was a way he could exert I guess bargaining power in our relationship and our physical intimacy. So as an older woman AL might make me frisky but I could not share this with my partner. This made things real bad. I dont want to share info about our private relationship now that I am sober but its OK. Of course for me this has coincided with radical hormonal changes - which probably helps me to accept things.
Hope thats not too much info.

[Choices]

Hello!
Just checking in.. Good posts and thoughtful. I have water dreams too where I'm on a sinking ship and need to figure out what to do with the boat. I'm always glad to wake up for those. Pav, it's good you posted about all of that. I'm sure your fine by now, but I would maybe go back to some early rules you may have had in the beginning of your quit to be on the safe side.. Not sure if you had the rule about no al in the house. I'm only concerned because of the desire to cook with it, the taste of food that has had the al burned off.. Etc. I know you got through that just fine but.. Ease up on the matches if your feeling the way you explained... Would be my suggestion... As I learnt the hard way. I'm sure your fine though.. Just probably reminding myself! Taste is a big trigger for me.... Anyhow.. Well done Jvo!!! Whohoooo on 4 months! Hi to all you inspiring ladies and G man hopefully your checking in soon, or if you have g'day!

[j-vo]

Wow! Lots of good reading. Thank you.

Pav, I replied to your post in NN. Hope you're feeling better.:hug:

Thanks NS, for that post. I did read that, probably on FB. I really like all of them, especially No. 5. We have a choice to be happy. Do it now, live it now. We can't be happy when in that drunken state. I know it's a fake happiness. One that brought on a lot of unhappiness. So much to reflect on with each point.

I was a fun slut, too, Jane! Well, only a slut with my husband, so I guess that's not a slut, but for me, yeah, I'd call it that. So you say we still have that inside us NS? Oh, Mr. J-vo will be thrilled when I tell him!!!! I do miss a bit of that crazy stuff, but maybe, just maybe we can still be a little crazy? I haven't tried, obviously.

[NoSugar]

Well, alcohol can't Create, right? It's just a (poisonous) fluid. All it can do is liberate the natural sex goddesses lurking within us :wink:. But if she is already within us, we just have to break through all the BS thinking about body shame, what good girls do or don't do, what if it's weird? thinking that gets in the way. Alcohol was a useful tool because it helped us not worry about that stuff and just let the goddess loose. But yes, I do think she's in there along with the woman who can speak in public and chat at cocktail parties and dance with abandon - all without drinking.

[little beagle]

Thanks NS. The part about choosing to be happy hit home for me.

[Pavati]

Hi, All:

TT - YES! That makes a ton of sense. I am a type B+, but not a type A. I DO sometimes feel guilty and like I don't measure up, even though objectively I am very successful and have a great life/work balance for the most part. And I CAN enjoy being lazy and reading all day, but I need to let myself have that sometimes rather than doing it and just feeling guilty about it. THANKS!

You, too, Jane. I was wishing not for my sexy self, but for my non-worrying/relaxed self that alcohol uncovered for me. Good advice, NoSugar - remember that self is still in here, and I just need to help her find her way out. Going to sleep now, and will focus on ME tomorrow. Joy.

NS - I have THAT dream, too. I've killed someone somehow in the past and the secret is unravelling. Interesting...

Thanks for the advice and support.

xo
Pav

[j-vo]

So many adventures to be had and lots of uncovering to do, literally!

You sound better Pav. A B+...yes. That's me. I want to do everything, and perfectly, but I love to just hang out. Our teacher evaluation system makes me crazy as it only allows you to be a distinguished teacher if you're perfect. I guess I'm ready to be proficient and be happy with that. Charlotte Danielson is full of shit (who created this evaluation). I'd like to see her in the classroom and meet everything all the time with the behaviors, challenges, time constraints and I could go on and on. But hey, I don't need to worry about that anymore. I mean, I'm trying not to worry about that anymore.:egad:

[NoSugar]

...but for my non-worrying/relaxed self that alcohol uncovered for me... remember that self is still in here, and I just need to help her find her way out.

Escape from stress and worry was my biggest thing, too, Pav, and remains my main struggle. But I've recently made some big progress. My job is online in discrete units and for years I was pretty much able to stay on top of it and when I was "caught up", had time to do what I wanted/needed to do. Over time, though, the work load steadily increased to the point that for me it seemed unmanageable. I could never "catch up" and so could never take some time off or not work some on weekends without feeling stressed and guilty. No one was pushing me or saying I had to work harder, all this came from me. Drinking made me not care and I guess that felt good.

A couple months ago, I decided to start thinking differently about all of it. Since I can never catch up, 8 arbitrarily became the new 0. Now when I have 8 or fewer units waiting for me to do, I give myself permission to do something else if I want to. I'm also open to increasing the number from 8 to whatever if the work load continues to expand. The other change is that I no longer even check my work email address on weekends (unless I have some free time and want to work). My work load is only a problem because I think it is. I don't need a drug to take the stress away, just a change in how I look at it.