Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

[NoSugar]

No. I don't want just one right now. I want to drown myself in it. But the pain would only last longer and then my anxiety would go off the charts. It's bad enough already. All I can say is YUCKKKK

I want to remind myself to be very afraid of alcohol. I don't want to be afraid of anything but the effects of it. I want to remember that it can put me in the hospital, it can kill me. I want to be frightened of it so I stay away from it. It can do so much damage, and I need to remember that always.

When we started drinking, we obviously didn't know what we were heading for or we wouldn't have done it. It's hard to imagine anyone would ever choose to be addicted to anything - to choose a life in which everything is centered around obtaining and consuming something, no matter what the consequences. BUT -- now that we know, I believe we have the responsibility not to drink again. I've pretty much forgiven myself for having become addicted in the first place but I would have a very difficult time forgiving myself it I were to let myself drink again. I would be doing it with full knowledge of the likely outcome. Aside from making for a horrible life, it is too dangerous to myself and others to take that chance.

Remembering the bad can help us not make the wrong choice but so can celebrating what we've gained:

Way to go everyone! We are doing well, aren't we? I am so grateful to be sober and Un Hung on a Monday morning.

[little beagle]

J-vo I don't know if this will help. When I first quit I pictured all the alcohol as coiled, venomous snakes. If I touched it I would be poisoned. Not too far from the truth. To this day I still shudder a little when walking down that isle at the store. If snakes aren't your fear, try something that is.

[Choices]

Hi everyone,
I'm the same when I see bottles. I am a bit scared. I find I rush a bit when I pass them at the supermarket. I had a very real drinking dream a couple of nights ago after my post. I was curious what day I was when I didn't know.. And it was 75. In the dream it was my husband who pressured me on a date night saying it had been 75 days.. That I had control. We could have some at dinner together etc... I felt torn.. When I woke up I was glad it was a dream for sure. I was pretty tired today, hubs and I stayed up late watching episodes of the new Vikings season.., until 1am. And I slept wrong on my neck so was in pain today.. Combo with that dream...,,, and escape through alcohol was on my mind. I was just in a bad mood. I bought a pre made lasagna for dinner tonight because I could tell I had a short fuse.. So it's cooking.. All good just a funky mood that will pass.

[j-vo]

Good advice, LB. And yes, NS, we must take responsibility for making the right choices as we know the outcome. I like feeling and being in control, and knowing that I'm a responsible person. I haven't had enough of that in my life, but I plan to build on it.

So, last night, we were on our way to son's very last basketball game. Mr. Jvo and I were talking about my mom, as she's getting her feeding tube procedure this morning. I'd been crying before we left the house, as I thought about my mom's love for food. She hasn't been eating for awhile now, but it just made me think of what she won't ever get to do again. The nice restaurants they would go to, the great meals she would cook...It just made me start sobbing, and I thought of how something like eating, we take advantage of. Amazing. So we were discussing this on the way, and I said I feel shaky with drinking and I don't want anything to knock me off course, even how I'm feeling. I wanted him to know that sometimes it's not as easy as others. He said, "It's probably best that you don't drink, especially through this." I was outraged at his comment. I said that he needs to restate what he said, and I made him say "I should never, ever drink again, and that it'll ruin me and him and our lives if I do." Or something to that effect. He did say it. I want him to know that it'll never be an option, ever.

[narilly]

Morning everyone. Having a good day here except that my job is super boring. I have a job anyway so that is good.

JVo, I think it is really hard for a non alkie to understand our situation sometimes. It is hard enough for us to 'get' that we can't drink again. I understand how his comment would have ticked you off though. Non alkies just don't see booze the same way we do because they don't have a problem! It is so weird. It took me a long time to figure that out.

Booze was always such a big part of my life. It is strange sometimes to think that it was. I really enjoy my new sober life, I have so much more time to LIVE!

Thinking of you Lil B and thanks for the great post NS.

Talk soon.

[narilly]

Choices, those drinking dreams are scary. I still have them once in awhile! I hope your day goes well.

Is Vikings good? I haven't seen that one. Is it on Netflix?

[little beagle]

J-vo I'm sorry for the pain you feel right now. I really know how bad it can be. I'm glad you made it clear how detrimental drinking would be for you. Anytime. I have been thinking of you lately and your strength. I'm proud of you.
Narilly sometimes I really don't care for my job either, but I'm just so glad for it right now.
Choices it's good to know that moods like that will pass and tomorrow will be a better day. We can really tell ourselves that because we don't drink.
I'm feeling better. Hubby and I have reached an understanding. He's going to Albuquerque but he's not separating from me. We're still together but spending some time apart. And he's going there to work on his sobriety. His plan has many glaring flaws, but it's not my plan. I am officially letting go of this. I am only offering advice as ask. No criticism. Well. As much as possible. But. And this is a big but. I am not responsible for his sobriety. And that is a relief. During this time I'm going to do a few things for myself. Diet. Exercise. Sew a summer work wardrobe. Try not to think too much. This where I putting the 3PS into practice. I'm sure there will be times I feel down. And anxious. But my marriage is very important to me and I'm going to work to save it if possible. And most importantly I am going to take this thing One Day At A Time!!!!
And there is no other woman involved at this time. As far as I know!! And I'm able to tell when he's lying pretty darn well.

[j-vo]

It's probably best that you don't drink, especially through this."

I guess it was the words "probably best" - like it's not 100% the right thing to do even though he's been through hell and back with me. And "especially through this" meaning another situation it may be ok. Well, I guess the whole damn sentence was wrong in my mind. I'm not being hard on him, but he needs to understand what he's saying. I can be overly sensitive, but if I have to be serious about this, then he needs to be, too, and be on board with me all the time, every time. But I get what you're saying Nar, because if we forget how bad we were, then so can someone else. I think I'm just protecting myself when I'm overly sensitive about words and how something is said.

[jane27]

Good advice, LB. And yes, NS, we must take responsibility for making the right choices as we know the outcome. I like feeling and being in control, and knowing that I'm a responsible person. I haven't had enough of that in my life, but I plan to build on it.

So, last night, we were on our way to son's very last basketball game. Mr. Jvo and I were talking about my mom, as she's getting her feeding tube procedure this morning. I'd been crying before we left the house, as I thought about my mom's love for food. She hasn't been eating for awhile now, but it just made me think of what she won't ever get to do again. The nice restaurants they would go to, the great meals she would cook...It just made me start sobbing, and I thought of how something like eating, we take advantage of. Amazing. So we were discussing this on the way, and I said I feel shaky with drinking and I don't want anything to knock me off course, even how I'm feeling. I wanted him to know that sometimes it's not as easy as others. He said, "It's probably best that you don't drink, especially through this." I was outraged at his comment. I said that he needs to restate what he said, and I made him say "I should never, ever drink again, and that it'll ruin me and him and our lives if I do." Or something to that effect. He did say it. I want him to know that it'll never be an option, ever.

Jvo, I so get your pain with regard to his comment. I felt it myself when I read your words. Its a sting, a punch in the stomach, nails on a blackboard, the sound of cars colliding- just bad. You wrote in another post about wanting to remind yourself how dangerous opening the door to AL can be...I was thinking about that today too. I was reflecting about a phone conversation I had with my aunt about my Dad. I shared with her that I don't know what to talk to him about these days (he's still recovering-not 100% back cognitively or physically) Naturally I ask him how he's feeling and that (without fail) paves the way towards me getting intense and concerned, which leads to stressing him out because my step mother gets defensive whenever I ask questions. My aunt suggested I keep phone conversations light and breezy to which I replied, "Oh, but for the days of wine." I actually don't know her very well, so whether or not I drink/how much/how often is out of the context of our relationship, but I guess there is enough of a family connection that she was able to put 2 and 2 together... Her response was short & simple- a sort of commiseratory (new word) sigh + "yea, well that does make it harder" (IE not having wine as conversational lube).

Later as I was out walking Red, I was thinking about my feelings re missing drinking (for today anyway), and how if I wanted to, I could best describe them to my Aunt via analogy. I thought of jail and prison. Like if you asked someone that had done a few years in jail if they missed prison, what would they say? Even if there was some weird shred of detail they managed to embellish with nostalgia (like, I miss the routine, or how fit I got because I worked out all the time / couldn't binge on crappy food), no one would say that they missed it and wanted to go back. So jail and prison didn't fit for my analogy (there's nothing alluring/ attractive about them to begin with- and no one chooses jail because it sounds like a fun way to take a break from life). I needed something that, like alcohol, begins as a good thing- + seems not only innocent enough, but is socially expected, cool and glamorous.

I searched for an example of something that felt very appealing and attractive at first, but that I wouldnt want to be stuck with forever- (the way booze addiction can feel like handcuffs)- and the best I could come up with was vacation. I imagined taking a month long vacation that was amazing, ideal, paradise-like. For the sake of convenience, I picked Hawaii. To make the analogy fit, I took the month long, paradise-like vaca and scripted in that as it winded down, I got piggy and decided to stay because I didn't want it to end. In my imaginary screenplay- I stay on and the paradise like feeling continues- maybe even as long as 2 or 3 years after the date when the vacation originally should have ended, but then I start to get burned out. It doesn't feel quite as special or like paradise. I begin to have days where I feel crabby or unsatisfied. As more time passes, my dissatisfaction increases and I get to the point where I'm over it and I miss home. I have had enough, and I want to come home. But I can't. Coming home isn't an easily feasible option, in fact-the odds are slim to none that it will happen (along the lines of how many people successfully escaped from Alcatraz?).

Using that, I asked myself, "Do you ever miss drinking (in a way that you think you might go back to it)?" I was having a continuation of the conversation with my aunt in my mind and posing the question from her to me. Role playing both parts with no audience was very helpful here because it allowed me to be totally un self conscious in my response- and by that I mean I didn't have to worry about the right or wrong of what someone else thought of me or the stigma of being an "alcoholic". I sat with the question and built on it,
"you think you ever want to do this thing again? I mean think of chocolate cake. Its so delicious, and everyone eats it. Why deprive yourself?"

With all the pressure of being judged removed, (+ what I know from past experience) the visual imagery made the answer clearer to see. Would I like to spend 4 weeks in paradise and never be able to come home again? Would I like to sign up to be trapped in paradise? (Thinking about it reminds me of a recurring nightmare I have where I'm in a situation I am not comfortable with- I take out my cell phone to call someone for help, and I cant make it work). So of course, the answer is HELL NO- but being able to identify the allure of alcohol and pin point the ramifications using a tropical vacation for imagery- somehow it helped me a lot.

Without the imagery I find it easy to get tripped up or confused by things like feeling deprived (I cant have what everyone else is enjoying) damaged (ALCOHOLIC) longing (I want I want I want I want), and anger (FUCK EVERYONE & EVERYTHING). The tropical vaca makes me feel like, OK, I know what the pull is and how good it felt/ can feel. But do I want the terror of being trapped and unable to help myself? No fuckin' way. And that there, makes me feel a lot more certain and cemented in my quit.

One hell of a waffle folks. Beddie for me now. Love to all my Gloamers. Lil, will call you tomorrow.
xoxo

[treetops]

Interesting analogy/metaphor Jane especially as I know all too well what its like to actually live long term in a vacation paradise. Not all its cracked up to be!
Also this past few days I have been preoccupied with a dreadful cyclone that has devastated Fiji - where i have many friends. My friends are safe but the impact on the country and the people is colossal. Have been shedding a lot of tears reading the personal stories.

Also been preoccupied with my daughters 18th birthday.She can now legally do what she likes - including drinking and going into bars/purchasing AL. No signs of any interest but you should see some of the other freshers on campus at the moment - some very drunk/hung over young beings. I had an interesting convo with a Chinese woman yesterday about the strange AL patterns (to her) among many Kiwis.

J-Vo, I recall that during my first year of being sober that my partner said lots of things that were off-beam and upset me. Also he said the wrong things when I tried to quit. Thats one reason why I kept my plans so often to myself and as Mick says (on the Daily Abs thread) - my main outlet was MWO. Mr GB was supportive of my quit but just didn't know what it was like. Also his solutions to my boredom and edginess then would get my blood boiling - have a cup of tea (well I dont drink tea except maybe one cup before breakfast and I dont like tea that much), eat, ring a quit smoking hotline (why?? I dont smoke) and so on. He likes my sober personality but then it was always part of who I am. What I didn't like was when he put completely down my old drinking personality and when he totally exaggerated my drinking years. Why - because I was always far more' functional' than him even when I was drinking at night and I achieved a lot during my drinking years. I am not denying the horror stories I inflicted on myself but I refuse to say that all those years were a waste or that my drinking defined them - because it did not. At one point he seemed to be making the sober me into a sort of anointed saint and that drove me mad! Thats not me.

Anyway its not easy with or without a partner - either way. I drank when I lived alone, and I drank when I was living with partners. Same goes with the road to recovery - pluses and minuses of being alone/partnered. Communication is so important and LB, its good that you and hubby have some sort of agreement. And that you are setting your own agenda.

OK - have to get my skates on but you all be well

XX

[jane27]

TT,

I understand your worry with your daughter. We have a real conflict with how to manage A1's freedoms and responsibilities (he is 20). We are not doing a great job; he is making poor choices as evidenced by failing 2 classes last semester, a list of traffic violations, accidents (and bills associated with ) that would disgust anyone, lies habitually often with no reason to, and the only thing we (I) have that I can rely on to verify what he's up to is cell phone records, and toll booth records (from the pass we pay for in his car). Hi Dad and Mom don't communicate at all, he gets cash handed to him from him, her, his grandmother, me. He has no financial responsibilities; I added up all $ we spent on him last year (including college but excluding extras like clothes and presents)- 34,000$. To earn that, he'd have to earn a salary of at least 40,000- MORE if he was planning to live on his own (rent + utilities would cost more than school).

I don't know where he's going to get the motivation to make the transition (everything paid for and taken care of to working at a job for a downgraded lifestyle). Its easy for me to take a step back from the hot seat because I'm a step parent, but I'm sure I'd be struggling and stressing about how to manage it if I were a full parent- and probably not doing the greatest job. I envision them (A1 & A2) never leaving home and me and hubs working like servants to support until we die! Hopefully that won't be the case.

[j-vo]

LB, glad you and Mr. LB are going to spend some time apart. I think that's best, and I like how you are not responsible for his sobriety. He needs to own it, just like you did. You can support his sobriety, but you can't do it for him. I think it's cook you're sewing your summer wardrobe. Mom was a great seamstress back in the day. Everything we wore was sewn by her. We always had matching Xmas and Easter outfits, too.

Jane, great analogy and that really helps me to think about things in that way, too. But you made it easy for me, because I just pictured it, whereas you came up with the idea. It does help to cement the quit even more. I don't ever think we should stop thinking that way. I think once people quit thinking hard about it like you do, or stop coming here to help others or themselves, they forget and eventually it loses it's importance and our quit is knocked down several rungs.

TT, sorry to hear about the damage to Fiji. I'm glad you didn't have any friends affected by it, but still, very sad. I can understand your anxiety for your daughter and her turning 18. At least the kids can't get into the bars until they're 21 here, but that doesn't mean they aren't drinking. Did she start school already? How is she doing?

Good night all.

[little beagle]

I'm going to do a quick check in. Feeling pretty blue.

[treetops]

LB - does it help to talk to someone in person when you feel like this? What about your daughter or is that no-go? Its understandable that you would feel down and please share with us, as best we can. And you know that if the blue-ness starts to get really bad, you should see a doctor or a therapist. I know money is a big issue but are there relationship therapists (I think you guys in the US call them couples counsellors) who offer subsidized services - who you can talk to and not pay $200/hour? Are there any services attached to a church that you could investigate.?Probably there is no need to pursue these options, but if you feel in despair its important to try to get help.
Jane - the situation with the stepson does not sound great - as you put it. I hate the words tough love - and I guess you have tried this. I am fortunate and I know this, that I have a daughter who is very caring and most of the time reasonable. She seems to be getting a better sense of how much things cost and the labour it takes to purchase these things. In the end she opted for a duvet and sheets for her birthday present - which is kind of odd for an 18 year old, but she chose some really cool yellow retro ones. We also threw in some books and her Dad gave her some CDs (I laughed as that is so last century!). Things can change, I know this. Her formal classes start next week.
How is everyone else doing? It was a bit of a scare when MWO was down last night - it was out for me for 12 hours.

[little beagle]

It was a bit unsettling for me as well TT. I have called the crisis hotline and have been talking to my daughter.