Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

[j-vo]

Good morning. Well, early evening I came down with a fever, aches, and slight sore throat. Went to bed but didn't sleep so got Tylenol at 1:30. Stayed home from work. Took more Tylenol. I need to go to work tomorrow as my days are getting low.

I guess I'm really anxious about moms progression since the last time I saw her. She no longer can use the walker, just wheelchair. I need to get better now, and pray that I can be strong. Work is s wearing me out, kids and behaviors. I know I'd be able to handle things better if I didn't have this big worry, but I'm not drinking so that is big in itself. I had to make a phone box. Kids have to put their cell phones in it when they enter. I'll get shit for that, but they sneak all the time and I have to be the mean teacher now. I hate being the meany.

Thanks for being here.

[NoSugar]

Hope you feel better, J. I always take vitamin C and Zn when I start getting that. Probably a placebo effect but that's ok with me as long as it works.

I can imagine that cell phones, while great in many ways, could be a nightmare in the classroom. Just another thing for teachers to deal with, which I'm sure you don't want or need.

You'll be strong with your mom because we are when we have to be. When my kids threw up or got injured on my watch, I handled things just fine. If my husband was home and I didn't have to do it, I fell apart and left it to him. It will be hard but you can handle it and be an asset to everyone there. Thank goodness you don't drink anymore.

Take good care of yourself today. xx

[j-vo]

It was a very depressing day. Not feeling well, and yes, I've been taking tylonel and hope those aren't addictive! Thinking of mom, worrying about money, son going away, and mr jvo and I discussed some strategies so that we don't end up in debt or son for that matter. Just lots on my mind. And yeah, I cried several times today.

What I know is that I regret losing so much of my life to these kinds of worries and the drinking that robbed me of life. I want to go through s decade feeling life, accomplishing what I can, and when things don't work out, come up with a plan b. There's really never any reason to worry, but I Do and I think I need to make myself learn to live in the moment so that I don't lose anymore life. I want that peace, good health, spirituality, and happiness. Everyone deserves it, right? And I guess we can have all of those things no matter the circumstances in our lives. As we are losing a parent, we can cry, yet be thankful for the love they gave us. I know anger and worry do me no good. I like the idea of little breaks during the day, and I'm def a person who would benefit from deep breathing for short periods.

I bought a new book from hip sobriety today for my kindle. So I have two good books to read.

Thanks for listening to me.

[Guitarista]

Excellent post Jvo!

Wishing you and your family all the very best my friend.

Just checking in Gloamers. All good here. But i need to bolster my committment and nail it. Off for a long easy run, then beach. Always feel real good after that.

Big waves to everyone. X

[NoSugar]

Good to see you, Mr G. The easy phrase is to "take the option off the table" but the tricky thing is figuring out how to keep that dang option on the floor! It helped me to commit to contacting a person if I was about to drink or even felt like things were spinning out of control. I did send one agitated text from a bathroom stall at a fancy restaurant but other than that, thinking about making the call was enough of a pause to get my head straight. I think the most important thing is not to allow any loopholes - an addicted brain will eventually use them. Maybe some other GLoamers will weigh in with how they nailed it.

What book did you download, J?

I'd encourage everyone to read the last couple days of the ARMY thread - it's a strong reminder of why we're all here and the power for good we have if we choose to use it.

[little beagle]

J-vo you are in my thoughts. I'm glad you're not drinking. It would make everything just so much harder. Kids and cell phones. Grrrrrr. That must be a teacher's nightmare.
Good to see you Mr. G. Long run on the beach. Ahhhh. I definitely need a beach trip.

[j-vo]

You're not kidding NS! Great posts in army thread. I downloaded The naked mind: control alcohol, find freedom, discover happiness and change your life.

[little beagle]

Quick check in.

[treetops]

Hope you are OK LB

[Choices]

Hi everyone,

I'm checking and hope everyone is doing well. I am struggling. My father is visiting. I actually just want to not be in pain. Emotional pain. We also had some of town guests and drinking was part of their stay. I bought some wine for them and beer for my husband. I didn't have any and drank ginger beer in a wine glass.. I never said what I was drinking.

The only reason I put it in a wine glass was because I had grabbed three to clean the dust out of thinking hubby would have some... but he just had the beer.. so the glass was there and I thought.. what the heck.. it's clean.. I am glad I bought some ginger beer.. Last time I 'did my time' I only drank water because I didn't want the calories of soda... but I have to say... I don't really care about that at the moment... and having soda as a treat is fun in a wine glass.

The woman staying with us got a little buzzed but nothing major.. and said some kinda in appropriate stuff about my mom.. (I've known this lady since I was a baby.. she was my moms good friend but they long since had a falling out.) Honestly, everything is so complicated about my Dad being here at the same time.. because she is friends with him too.. etc.. Ug.. the story is long winded and confusing... I'm not sure how to simplify.

long story short I hit an uncomfortable wealth of pain, the pain that I kinda uncovered in my personal journal when I was struggling here. I have remained sober. but when my husband didn't give me his undivided attention when he came home tonight.. I just wanted to drink, badly, and I wanted to drink the first night my company was here, the second night I was feeling comfortable so didn't feel like drinking.. the third night we were at a very nice restaurant/ winery on an island we took a ferry too sunset.. etc.. and I was asked which wine I preferred to have.. and I just finally said calmly and confidently.. Oh, I don't drink anymore. I was asked "Ever?" and I just said yes... and nothing skipped a beat. So not a problem.

Today at lunch I saw my dad for the first time in two + years... with our out of town company.. and a bottle of wine was ordered. I ordered a ginger beer. I'm not comfortable around my dad or his wife. I don't like how I feel around them. I feel like there is something wrong with me. My daughter acted strange around them too. She must of picked up on my vibe. I really don't know what to say about why I feel this way.. My father can be an emotional terrorist to me in my mind. But it's my mind? So isn't it my mind doing that.... and actually not him? but my own head? I'm really confused. I love him. As I'm typing this I feel like I'm sounding like he did something like molest me... This never happened to me. He never hit me either. But he did loose his temper and yell a lot.

Or he wasn't around much because he was/is a workaholic. I feel bad, just bad that I don't know if I like him. I have had quite a bit of therapy regarding this.. that he paid for.. I feel crazy. Ok... back to why I didn't drink. I kept thinking.. How can I possibly handle a hangover? The very thought of it just scares me. Not being able to take care of my daughter having a hangover... I just couldn't even see having the odd glass that my company was having.. or even one at lunch.. I just don't want my mind dulled or altered in the slightest.

I feel like I am in overdrive right now with a mental shield trying not to let the pain in... or out! I can't figure it out if the pain is coming from within or if it's coming form outside me. It's very confusing.

Tomorrow is Friday, I have drop off and I need to go to the council to get stuff for my homework for my course.. Saturday I have my course.. which i need all my brain power for because it's so intense and I also need to bring a shared plate for this so I need to make that Friday. The course will totally occupy my mind.. so I won't need to worry about it.. at all then. Sunday I'm paddle boarding with my friend in the morning.. so need to be completely clear head the night before so I can be on the water by 7.

There is a bbq at my stepmother's sisters' house Sunday afternoon.. which is a family reunion of sorts because her and my dad are in town.. Yes.. ironically.. my Stepmother is a kiwi... At the bbq I'll have to say no to alcohol but it's lunch.. so it's not like it will be a drink fest.. it's more people just having a wine.. As in one. I can't have one. I could there.. but then I would let that pain out or in and want a bottle and we all know how that goes. I would scare myself again.. because I want more then even a bottle.

My daughter is SO aware now at 3+... I couldn't hide a single thing.. I don't want to hide a single thing. Oddly I think my husband would understand me falling off the wagon.. but why would I want to do that? Could it even be just one night of self distruction in the first place? What if I decided to just drink again for a while? That would really be a terrible decision. Because I can't function. I can't imagine turning up to my daughters new school worrying about that!!! Around all those parents.. what if I stunk?! of booze at a pick up.. I can't handle the shame of that!!! All of this makes me cringe!!! Also, Why would I let my father and what he is or isn't doing.. drive me to be in so much physical pain with a hangover where I hate myself.

I don't feel like just giving my sobriety away to this!! This pain does really hurt.. I hope I feel better tomorrow. Also, Monday I am making dinner for my Father and stepmother. and they leave Wednesday. Ok.. my goal is ODAT for a week. That is all I need to focus on. I can't get out of any of these social things.. Just can't so I need to come up with a fool proof plan for the ODAT. Step one: Check in here daily... That is all I have right now.. And, drink ginger beer, and say no thank you when offered AL.

[NoSugar]

Hi, Choices

I'm sorry you're in such a stressful situation right now. You've already written what you need to do - you've got this! It might be a tough week, but you've explained why you're not going to be making it so much worse by drinking.

Would it help to try to take your dad and his wife at face value as they are right now? Remembering the past and interpreting the present in light of the past can make things so much more complicated than they need to be. You've certainly changed! Maybe they have, too.

Hang in there. xx, NS

[Guitarista]

Hang in there Choices. I hope things settle down for you. My thoughts are with you buddy.

[treetops]

Morning everyone. Choices it sounds very complicated and painful but you are getting through this and you have a lot of insight and you didn't drink AL. You are in a vulnerable situation at the moment but again, you drank the ginger beer and not AL. So many people dont get on with their families or even their parents - well, they get on with them, but there is not the closeness expected of families or parents. You dont have to like being with your Dad or his wife. but you do have social events to be at with them - so just get through them. Please dont try to over-think this too much or start looking for ways to justify drinking - you said
"Oddly I think my husband would understand me falling off the wagon". Dont even think that - thats the kind of rationalization used to drink and its putting him almost in an enabling position.
You have lots to do and look forward to with your course, and the paddling - and all the changes that will happen with your daughter this year, next year and forever. You have your own family now, you are an adult and while the pain and ambivalent feelings you have with your Dad might always be there - try to let it go. So what, if others enjoy a wine or get sloshed? Everybody has problems and we dont always know what they are and there are probably things you can do that they can't.
The trick is I guess, to try to live in the moment (enjoy that meal, the sunset, the lovely setting, the conversation, your daughter's smile) but to also to not live so much in the moment that you say F__k it and have that glass of wine You absolutely know this and you are handling that side of things very well. Trust me, I know how hard it can be to carry this off - but its what we do well and it really helps if you try to let things go, not worry too much about the meaning of what people say or how they are behaving etc. Its what we do and think that matters in our recovery.
My Dad was not a workaholic or successful and he was always a presence in the home (and it was a very tiny miserable wooden house - so thats why I hate small houses!). Cosy it was not. It was truly horrible and I couldn't wait to be away from him - and often from the house. He treated my mother like dirt and could be violent. He was an under-achiever who never made much of himself or his life and he did not show a smidgen of affection. For many years I agonized and felt anger and sadness about my father - and guilt about my mother. And just like he had, I drank. It did help me a lot to have therapy about this, but eventually I just had to try to move on.

Keep posting and keep up the positive and healthy things you are doing!

[NoSugar]

Our friend J-vo needs some extra love today and gave me permission to tell you. She's overwhelmed by all she's facing and did what we've all done at one time or another to make ourselves feel better.

The will to survive is a strong one and it sometimes can feel like the only way to do that is to make the pain go away by drinking. We understand that J-vo. We won't criticize or judge you and will be glad when you're ready to come back.

The important thing is not to let this spiral out of control. You've had many many days AF - that is your 'normal'. This was a mistake that does not need to evolve into a mess that puts you at risk and threatens relationships that you treasure. Please put it behind you and get back on track. You need to be ready to visit your mom next week - you need not to be drinking. You need to make memories, not regrets.

I love you and believe in you. NS

[paulywogg]

:hug:J-vo:hug: