Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

[Pavati]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Wait, I saw you wrote a long post, LB (not your norm!) so I read it.

I am so glad that you have your daughter there for you! Support meetings in the living room sounds like a wonderful idea - and I love Patrice's list, too. Good luck with everything and stay strong! You are amazing.

[scottish lass]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

tried to post a photo - need to scroll back and re-read the instructions!

[j-vo]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Can we talk about how to get to that positive desire? I thought I had it, but obviously I have lots more work to do. I desire to have a better life. I want a better life. I think I've learned what that better life is like, but what I'm doing is not ok, because soon, I'll be drinking every weekend if I continue doing what I"m doing, then it'll get worse from there.

[available]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Damn and double damn i am late again. I will be on when i get to work to give you a drilling Jvo but know this, we love you on here and we, of all people know the struggles of al. All of us have been there and done that. Now we need to figure out why some of us are getting big days and some of us are not. We need to have this conversation i am thinking and of course i will post a long winded comment when i get through peak hour.

God its Monday here and i hate mondays. 35 degrees and storms later today apparently. Woo hoo.

[scottish lass]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

J-vo - I am not Ava or NS, and not good at the long, deep meaningful posts - you and I are in such a similar place (I think). I so feel "I get the feeling that "I can have and enjoy a drink/drunk every so often"" and that gives me permission to drink.
On another thread I visit, Lav talks about giving up fighting - I think I have been fighting to not drink and I think that this week I have started to move to fighting to drink and needing to give up fighting....I am really not saying this at all well - hopefully someone can interpret for me.
I have tried to go to the mindset of drinking is too much trouble and too much hard work - a 360 change. I think I have been strugggling hard not to drink and that made it a battle and when I got tired and fed up - or happy and celebratory - I drank. If I change to not drinking being the norm and fighting to work out when to drink, and how to deal with next day and all taht goes along with drinking - then the drinking becomes the battle.
I (hope) I am giving up the battle to drink, and relaxing in the not drinking.
I am not depressed or have anxiety - I really feel for all here who have to struggle with that too - but I am sad and angry, and drinking makes everything worse and nothing better - when I look at it that way, why the heck do I bother??
I have given up fighting and I feel at ease about it....

God I hope soem of this makes sense or you will send me off to the funny farm!!!

[available]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

funny farm SL. Just kidding. I can totally relate to what you are saying on the "battle" and if i dont go and battle the traffic and get my coffee first i wont be typing a rather long post i am thinking. This will give me something to think about on my hour long drive to work.

[Dottie Belle]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

j-vo sorry to hear but I so understand....we are here for you and know that u can do this!
HumbleR I am a redhead, freckle faced gal too..half Irish...
Lazy Sunday here...catching up on the DVR shows and the laundry..so far so good..predicting yet more snow...I hate this depressing time of year but am really trying to not let it derail me....I will survive!!!

[j-vo]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

scottish lass;1621968 wrote: J-vo - I am not Ava or NS, and not good at the long, deep meaningful posts - you and I are in such a similar place (I think). I so feel "I get the feeling that "I can have and enjoy a drink/drunk every so often"" and that gives me permission to drink.
On another thread I visit, Lav talks about giving up fighting - I think I have been fighting to not drink and I think that this week I have started to move to fighting to drink and needing to give up fighting....I am really not saying this at all well - hopefully someone can interpret for me.
I have tried to go to the mindset of drinking is too much trouble and too much hard work - a 360 change. I think I have been strugggling hard not to drink and that made it a battle and when I got tired and fed up - or happy and celebratory - I drank. If I change to not drinking being the norm and fighting to work out when to drink, and how to deal with next day and all taht goes along with drinking - then the drinking becomes the battle.
I (hope) I am giving up the battle to drink, and relaxing in the not drinking.
I am not depressed or have anxiety - I really feel for all here who have to struggle with that too - but I am sad and angry, and drinking makes everything worse and nothing better - when I look at it that way, why the heck do I bother??
I have given up fighting and I feel at ease about it....

God I hope soem of this makes sense or you will send me off to the funny farm!!!

SL, this makes complete sense to me. Giving up the fight. Although daily, I don't have that fight. I have the fight on weekend nights. But actually I have fought it, at one point, daily. But I believe it'll get back to a daily struggle and fight if I continue on this path. So now it's giving up that fight. I don't want to battle with something that can destroy me. I know Al is not worth the fight. It's just this alcoholic brain that I need to change and I know that can be done. I'm not happy today having beat myself up. And we all know this feeling. Thank you for your post. You've given me some things to think deeply about.

[j-vo]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

:lDottie

[NoSugar]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Hey, J-vo. Please stop fighting. It doesn't have to be a battle. You surrender, and by surrendering you win because alcohol only has the power that you give to it. When you give up thinking that you can ever drink again - when you truly take that option off the table - alcohol is nothing and cannot hurt you.

I know you've read this before - it is from One Crafty Mother who is writing about a relapse she experienced after 8 years of sobriety that included a bout with cancer.

I'm scrappy. I have always lived by the motto "when the going gets tough, the tough get going". It works really well for me in many areas of my life... including cancer. To get through cancer treatments you have to be a fighter.

Recovery, however, is not about fighting. It's about daily surrender. It's about having the courage to be vulnerable, to sit with hard feelings, to tackle hardships as they arise because anything that festers in an recovering alcoholic's brain can lead to a drink.

I stopped surrendering. I tucked my chin and squared my shoulders and I ran. I ran as hard and as fast as I could, hoping (without even consciously knowing this) that I could outfox fear through sheer determination.

This is the biggest mistake an alcoholic can make because I can't think my way out of a feeling. I can't distract myself from it through any means - including workaholism. The thing about workaholism is it looks healthy from the outside. Our society rewards the over-worked and exhausted

Without a program of recovery, without asking for help, without offering the same love I give others so freely to myself I ended up a shell of a person ... full of fear and sadness for all the un-dealt-with things.

I was in so much emotional pain that I relapsed. I didn't think I could drink in safety; I knew I couldn't. I just wanted the pain to stop. I didn't call anyone. I didn't ask for help. I didn't get honest. I curled up into a ball and gave up.

I don't know what happened to you last night but like this woman, you didn't ask for help - you didn't post or text or call. Someone would have been online here waiting and wanting to help you through it. I truly believe that if you'd been engaged in a conversation here, it would have prevented you from drinking at all or helped you stop before it got out of control. If MWO is going to be our main tool to gain and keep an AF life, we have got to use it -- and for an online forum, that means posting. And posting honestly -- the good and the bad.

The messages about our daily doings are fun and interesting and I love learning about all of you guys and feeling the connections we have. But that has to be the bonus part of being here. If you aren't going to also post when you aren't doing well and need help NOW, any old social media site will do for the fun stuff - MWO offers more but it is up to each of us to make it work.

We're not giving up on you, J-vo. Don't give up on yourself. :l

[paulywogg]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

J-vo,please dont be too hard on yourself,this shit takes work and i dont know why we choose to drink when we truly WANT to stay sober! sometimes i get drinking fantasies and i can feel my legs go numb so excited with anticipation,its sickening,so i rush to the gas station to get my beers knowing full well ill feel like crap the next day,or sometimes i dont even care i just want it now,i dont know how to get past the cycle,i mean im cool now sober and happy about it but what about next time the urge is there?it sux

[acadiaofmaine]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

NS,

Wow, I heard the exact same words when I drank over the holidays, from my sponsor. "You didn't call me, or text anyone, or go to extra meetings. You didn't reach out." It is so hard to do that, but it seems to be the only way to get through this, and the only way to handle life in general. The only way to get better seems to be to connect to at least one other human being, on the deepest level.

And "surrender." Another really difficult concept for me, but again, I really believe it's our only way out.

I am having a lot of really difficult feelings starting to edge up into my consciousness. Nothing well formed yet, but I can tell I'm in for a rocky ride. I know it has to do with having been very self centered for a lot of my life, even though I thought I was the most giving person in the world. I don't think I was the most giving person. I think everything might have had to revolve around me, me, me. Me and my need to drink, especially. I am not feeling the feelings about all this yet, but it's going to happen. I will have to post about it, I know, and talk to my sponsor. Not looking forward to it, and yet I am.

J-vo, you know we are all here for you! You can always text or PM me, any time!

Ann

[NoSugar]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

j-vo;1621957 wrote: Can we talk about how to get to that positive desire? I thought I had it, but obviously I have lots more work to do. I desire to have a better life. I want a better life.
available;1621961 wrote: All of us have been there and done that. Now we need to figure out why some of us are getting big days and some of us are not. We need to have this conversation.

I think Humble nailed it when she wrote about positive desire as opposed to negative restraint. It is a switch in our thinking - literally, a change in our brains. A different way of viewing the world and how we fit in it without alcohol. The people who are getting big days have taught themselves to think differently. This doesn't just happen - it takes work.

I know I sound like a goody two shoes Pollyanna type when I say this but being conscious almost all day everyday of what is better in my life without drinking fortifies me for when life isn't all that special and the thought of the "old way out" crosses my mind. Maybe it would seem that after a year I would be used to this way of living and in most ways I am but I'm also used to noticing many little benefits of AF living. With all those positive thoughts throughout the day - and I had several yesterday - the thought of drinking last evening even though I was chilly and bored out of my mind was just laughable. Of course I thought about it as I looked at everyone else's big glasses of wine but it never was an option. Maybe if I'd been feeling sorry for myself all day and not noticed what is good about not drinking, I would have been more tempted. Anyway, that is part of how I've changed my brain.

How did you change your thinking, Humble? Ava? Little Beagle? Dottie? Pav? Narilly? I know I haven't listed everyone who I know have changed their thinking (and for some of you, I have seen the changes in you in your posts over time) but maybe it would be helpful to share that.

[available]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Very well said NS and i totally agree, i stopped fighting this quit, i had to, it was killing me the vicious cycle i was on. I had every excuse to drink.

My gums swollen and bleeding - oh it is the preservatives in the wine or the wine is cheap. Solution I will buy more expensive wine and one without so many preservatives.

The shakes i woke up with daily so i could hardly write my name - oh it was anxiety, why am i so anxious all the time. Take a pill, shaking stops. Woo hoo

Sores that would not heal - oh new dishwashing liquid, washing powder. Wear gloves!

Dry wretching every morning - should have eaten last night instead of lunch time the day before. Solution eat a packet of chips, that will fix that.

Chest pains, any pains - take an anti-inflammatory and paracetamol, that will fix it.

So many farking excuses and i knew it was al, it did not matter how i tried to rationalise, i knew. I did not hit a rock bottom so to speak, it was general daily life i noticed was not going so well. My daughters look when she seen me with a bottle of wine (every visit), the days off work, the isolation, the drinking and being miserable while doing it, trying to be fun but being pathetic, blacking out more often.

My biggest hurdle was realising that i could never ever drink again. I could not accept that one, why the fark not, i can drink surely after a matter of time af, i can be sociable, i can control it, i am a strong person, i dont need anyone telling me otherwise, i can lie and say i am not drinking, well i am not drinking as much which is a bonus, i will drink only on weekends, i deserve it, i work hard, i will enjoy just a couple, i deserve it, i deserve it, i deserve it!.

What i deserve is to be sober and happy. The switch switched when i let go of ME ME ME and AL. I'm not cruising along feeling happy 100% of the time and i know that i could drink, i can always drink, i choose not to and i hope i keep making the right choice.

MWO is my outlet, my way of healing myself with you all. Sure i still have a lot of things to let go to heal but i am taking it day by day and being positive, you guys are my AA. I have my children as you all know and they have made it so much easier to give up and if i want a drink i will text them or ring.

I hope i have not offended anyone as you guys know i just blurt out what i think and its a journey being af and one that i will never take for granted, i cant. Oh and i have no idea if any of this makes sense.

[available]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Hey Pollyanna your words are so true, the switch i call it. It did not happen to me for 3 years and what you said is what i would have liked to have put so eloquently. I am so grateful to have you with us.