Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

[wagmore]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

j-vo :huggy :l :groupluv:

As others have said, any disappointment or sadness here is not AT you or ABOUT you, it is FOR you. I'm so sorry to hear your news because even though I'm fairly new to this circle, I know for sure this isn't what you wanted to happen.

The desire to be and feel normal runs strong. I think this is human nature, and is probably hard-wired in our primitive brains. Unfortunately, normal looks like drinking in many parts of modern society. Wow, I feel this tug very strongly at times.

I believe that all of us here can truly sympathize if not empathize with what you've wrestled with over the past few days and with what you're feeling now. If ever there were a group to understand, it is here within the Loamers and on MWO.

One additional comment I'd like to make, and maybe others won't share my view but it's how I feel... Drinking on one day does not in any way UNDO all of the hard work and progress you've made over the past 100+ days (or far longer than that actually). Does it disrupt your string of AF days? Yes. Could it lead back down a dangerous path? Potentially, as that's the nature of AL. But should you scrap everything and feel like you're back at ground zero? In my opinion, no. I think it's very likely that you will be stronger and wiser going forward after having this experience. Not advocating that people do this on purpose, but it is what it is and you can't change it now. What you DO get to choose is how you frame it in your mind. I encourage you to frame it as a blip, a detour - one that reset your odometer but that did not erase your accomplishments.

:l again. We're here for you.

[wagmore]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

daisy45;1688754 wrote:
Wags, glad to hear things are getting better with the paddling diva! Hope your wee weekend is great!

Thanks Daisy - "paddling diva" made me laugh out loud, and is SO true.

So happy to hear the continued good news about your daughter. Hope she enjoys her car!

[daisy45]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Thanks Wags....I totally agree with what you say in your previous post.....The knowledge and sober life experience we have never goes to waste....

[Eloise]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Ah... A quick check in at the end of a busy week.
We had the end of summer school dinner, LOTS of wine and I did not touch a drop.
An interesting little thing helped. I arrived 1.5 hr late to the before dinner reception hoping to miss the apperitif... Good thinking on my part! Many were already a bit too cheerful helping me to remember what I do not like about drinking! Presto... Game over & I even managed to have a good time!

Bonn week-end to all & nice thread going here. I will be contributing again after the week-end.

[narilly]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

J-Vo, WE LOVE YOU!!:l
Just get back in the saddle. This is a normal part of recovery- like Dr. Kelly says, we are looking for progress Not perfection.

You know you can't drink but your AL brain thinks you can. I feel the same way. I find my AL brain telling me all the time that I can drink moderately and then I start to entertain the idea of moderate drinking...in the last 112 days I have been able to quash the thoughts but it scares the crap out of me sometimes.
The thoughts of moderation can be so strong, I can totally see how one of us could relapse. We just have to keep trying.

Please don't beat yourself to death. You don't deserve that, you deserve much better. I mean, look at how many sober days you had. It still counts!
:groupluv:

All of us Loamers are here for you sweet J-Vo. :h

[NoSugar]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

wagmore;1688769 wrote: [B]
One additional comment I'd like to make, and maybe others won't share my view but it's how I feel... Drinking on one day does not in any way UNDO all of the hard work and progress you've made over the past 100+ days (or far longer than that actually). Does it disrupt your string of AF days? Yes. Could it lead back down a dangerous path? Potentially, as that's the nature of AL. But should you scrap everything and feel like you're back at ground zero? In my opinion, no. I think it's very likely that you will be stronger and wiser going forward after having this experience. Not advocating that people do this on purpose, but it is what it is and you can't change it now. What you DO get to choose is how you frame it in your mind. I encourage you to frame it as a blip, a detour - one that reset your odometer but that did not erase your accomplishments.

I agree with you entirely, Wags. On some Quit Drinking websites I looked at, counting days is discouraged, with this black and white, all or nothing view of becoming sober one of the main reasons. It makes it too easy to let a mistake become a pattern.

Day counting is a tool - works for many people but not for others. I liked it for the first few months because it kept me focused. I think I'd start counting again if I felt at all unsure of my commitment.

J-vo, you have been essentially AF since last October 2013. For anyone who isn't part of a forum such as this, someone who does that is considered a person who rarely drinks and who doesn't have a drinking "problem", just over-does it once every great once in awhile -- no big deal. But, it is a big deal for us because it isn't just an occasional drink or even blow-out; it is something that can lead us back to the misery we were trying to escape when we came here. But you came right back - you're not being black vs white about this and because you made a mistake, running off from your support and continuing to drink. That you came back so fast shows how strong you really are - you'll get this :l.

One thing that occurred to me is that it would be hard for you to really run off because Ava with her brick knows where you live and several ways to contact you. I would e-mail or text you until your box was full. Maybe it is good for all of us, sort of for insurance, to make themselves "reachable" by a few people somehow other than MWO. Get that "policy" while you're feeling positive about what you're doing so that if your addicted brain seizes control and stops you from ever even logging on here, there is a chance that someone could reach you in another way and help you get back on track. I know that probably sounds like overkill but I think addictions are truly that strong and can make us act so against our own best interests.

[available]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

j-vo;1688714 wrote: Well, what timely posts and I'm sick to my stomach right now as I drank last night. I've let you all down and let myself down. I don't even know where to begin. I guess two days ago.

I was tired of being an alcoholic. I didn't want to be an alcoholic anymore. I didn't want to be the different one. I've always struggled to be normal, and that's what I wanted. To be the normal drinker. I found everything I could online saying that I could moderate. I got out my old "Responsible Drinking" book. I said to myself, I'm going to give it a go once again. I know that i can do this, because what I'll do is I'll work as hard at moderation as I do at abstinence. Makes sense to me. Complete sense.

The big thing here. I thought I might have an imbalance in my brain that could be cured. I've had such success with NS's diet recommendations, have gotten healthier with just eating whole foods and cutting out crap. I talked myself into believing proper nutrition and supplements tailored for my body would cure me of my addictions. Of my alcoholism. So I could be normal. I talked DH into believing all of this. I talked him into believing I could be normal. He was nervous about this whole idea. Of course. He didn't know what to expect. I had the plan. 7 units per week. I explained to him what a unit was. 5 oz of wine, 12 oz beer. I explained about l-glut. We had a long discussion, and he was still not satisfied with my promises and pitch to be normal.

Well, I said let me prove it. I took an l-glut under my tongue. I had my first 5 oz of wine. Didn't taste that great. Had dinner with another glass of wine. A $10 glass of wine doesn't taste great? Onto the last one at casino. No enjoyment. Woke up at 3 a.m. Couldn't sleep. Thought about what I'd done and the people I'd let down. It all came back to me that I'd never be normal. Ever. Not only will I never be normal, no one will trust me again. You all put so much time into me, and look what i did. I make myself normal in my head. WTF.

I told DH enjoy any of it. I would have been much happier with dessert and coffee after dinner. And now I"m on day one. And I've let you all down. And myself. And I"m still not normal.

In my two day haze of trying to think I'd be or could be normal, I likened my case to my students who have difficulty learning. I never give up on them. They will get it, just in a different way. I'll try every way that I can. Some are slow learners, some need to be taught using various modalities, so I'm kind of like them with alcohol. I can learn to moderate differently. I've shown I can take the time and put in the work to be abstinent, and I'll do the same and more to moderate. Just so I can be normal. Just so I can get it right. I wanted to be in the mainstream. I didn't want this disability. I fought with myself for two days straight, pushing myself into the normal range.

What made me know after I drank, even before i awoke at 3 am? I'll never be normal. Ever. I won't get the skill of moderation mastered. Why do I set myself up like this? Because I strive to be like everyone else. I strive to be ok. I want to know I'm normal.

Why didn't I call anyone to discuss this? Because I didn't want to be shown I wasn't normal. I wouldn't accept it. I don't need someone to tell me what they think they know. I know what they think. I know I'm right. Or at least I thought I was right.

I don't know what else to say. I'm sorry is all I can come up with. Sorry about whatever went through my mind these last few days and took hold of me. Sorry to all of you who care about me. I let myself down. I lost my days. I'm back to square one. You've all lost faith in me now, and guess what. I'm still not fucking normal.te>
Well after much thought and consideration J and you know i love you but i hate the bullshit and i am not know for being normal, here goes!

normal
ˈnɔːm(ə)l/Submit
adjective
1.
conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected.
synonyms: usual, standard, typical, stock, common, ordinary, customary, conventional, habitual, accustomed, expected, wonted, everyday, regular, routine, day-to-day, daily, established, settled, set, fixed, traditional, quotidian, prevailing
ordinary, average, run-of-the-mill, standard, typical, middle-of-the-road, common, conventional, mainstream, unremarkable, unexceptional, plain, simple, homely, homespun, workaday;
garden-variety;

Do you honestly want to be normal? Dont you want to have some kind of flaw that makes you special? I admit its not a nice flaw but dammit J the definition of "normal" sounds bloody boring to me. I am not normal, i tried when i turned 50 and i failed dismally. I love swearing, sex and being open and honest and therefore i am not in that definition of normal. I have told my children every damn thing i have done in my life, is that normal? No. Ive always had to conform to my parents, i was bought up to be a nice girl, well from the age of 15 i proved them completely wrong and luckily my mother was a tad more tolerant and is still speaking to me, my father (piece of sperm) on the other hand has had the audacity to not speak to me for 20+ years. Is that normal? No. Taking lots of drugs when i was young, was that normal? No. So why is drinking in moderation normal? We are fucking alcoholics J, no glorifying that one. At the end of the day we accept that fact and move on. The only normal bit i want is to be happy and content with what life i have left in me. If people dont like me then dont talk to me, they dont know the real me. The real me is honest and caring and loving. The Linda i am loves her children more than life itself, the Linda i am swore that in life the only failure i would not have is to raise my children to be beautiful loving people. I have done that and now its time to work on the Linda that has drowned her life mostly in al. The Linda i know is there without al, the Linda that the past sucked and spat out. The Linda that is crawling out of the al haze and is making quite a nice life which is probably not everyones "cup of tea" but i honestly dont give a flying fark what anyone thinks now. Ive paid my dues being an alcoholic, it is part of me but it will never ever rule my life again J. This is what you have to let go of. You are a beautiful woman, a loving mother, a dear friend, a caring dedicated woman. Accept what you are and not what you were, which was a drunk. I was a drunk, no glorifying that at all, that was my normal. Now my normal is to just be me, like us all on here.

You made the choice to drink, you knew the consequences it would bring on you and only you can change that thinking J. You know i love you dearly and i would not give up on you, just like i would not give up on Liam with his crack addiction. I always wonder what would happen if he started again but i hope that with my love and help and time that he is free of his addiction. Just like us all, with love, help and time we are free of ours.

I am not going to apologise for the long waffling post as this is me and J you know what i am like lovely. I could give you the soft love but al is not a soft love approach. Its pure hard facts that we cant drink.

Tonight is Tyes 21st birthday. Would i like to drink, YES! Will i? NO. To see the look in my daughters eyes especially if they seen me with a drink would just kill me. They know i cant moderate, i have spoken to them in detail about that one drink. They know that i may as well drink the bottle and another as i will never come back until i decide to. You have the strength to come back, i am afraid that i would never.

well rant over. You are a brave, strong woman J, never ever forget that and I love you dearly my friend.

[Kailey]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

j-vo;1687589 wrote: Came across this quote...

?Nothing worthwhile ever happens quickly and easily. You achieve only as you are determined to achieve? and as you keep at it until you have achieved.?
Overcoming Addiction Quote by Robert H. Lauer

I think sometimes I get impatient with recovery and expect this monkey to get off my back more quickly than is realistic. But it is definitely worthwhile to me...to be sober.

Thinking of you tonight, J-Vo. You are one of people on this board that I respect tremendously. I know I'm going to be watching you bounce right back.

[narilly]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

That was good Ava, you sure have a way with words!

J-Vo, big hug from me.

Sober Friday night here. I have holidays for the next 9 days. Thank goodness!
I am going to drink a lot of Perrier and soda water, read, eat popcorn and go camping. Awesome!

Goodnight :h

[little beagle]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

J-vo alcohol is all the things NS said. Highly addictive. To me that says it all. It just gets into our brains. And won't let go.
I still think about drinking, but I don't because I play the scene through to the end. I would be right back where I started. In HELL. You are here because you want to be normal.
My definition of normal is different then yours. I see the people who go to work, come home, have dinner together, go on vacations, work, save money and are happy as normal. For many years now I have told hubby all I wanted was a normal life. Not one trapped in the hell of addiction. So al is not part of my normal life. It isn't part of many normal people's I know. Stupid addictive voice telling us it is normal to consume something that will kill us.
you are back quickly and realized what was happening. What a wonderful example you set for us. I love you sweet lady. I look up to you. Your kindness I carry with me in my heart daily. It reminds me to be kinder. You helped me through that hard time with SD. I was kinder to her because of you and it made a big difference to both of us.
Now please be kind to yourself. Take care of yourself. Love the wonderful person you are. :l
.

[little beagle]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Narilly I am jealous of your holiday. Sounds wonderful. Enjoy camping.
Ava you have a way of yelling it like it is.
NS you are always here when someone needs you. I am so grateful for myself and for the others.
Byrdie thanks for being here today too.
Serial lurker huh Dreamy?
Wags that must mean you are ypu are toeing the line for your paddling diva. You gotta do what ya gotta do to get ya through.

Ok Ladies my BIL said something funny I have been waiting to share when we needed a cheer up.

I have traveled all around the world and I've seen a lot of things. Why I've even seen elephants mate (he didn't say mate) but I've never seen anything like that.
He was talking about something hubby did. He's a funny guy.

[Pavati]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Hi, All:

J-Vo - Maybe I had the dream that was meant for you (or maybe I dreamed it because I sensed something off in the Force of the Loamer thread). So many great things have already been said to you, I don't know that I have anything to offer. Most definitely you have had great success here and one night of drinking doesn't negate all of that. In reading about relapse, I have found that there are definite warning signs that precede the drinking phase - if we can recognize them and pull ourselves out of them, we can avoid relapse. I say this, because when I was new here and someone like you drank it really scared me - I wondered if relapse was just inevitable. Well, I don't think it is, but I do spend a lot of time working on avoiding it specifically. Here's just one of the many lists: Warning Signs of Impending Relapse. I know you can be a perfectionist, J-Vo (takes one to know one). One question that I have for you is what will be different this time? Maybe you can take it easy on yourself. You don't need to do it all right away. Staying sober has to come first because without it, all the rest of it doesn't work.

Wags - As for counting - I understand that some people like it and some don't. I'm a counter and measurer by nature, and I have found that keeping track of days is important to my system of rewards for myself - I get a little giddy when I pass those big milestones. In my reading, it seems that the brain heals after periods of time without alcohol, and that drinking can set that healing back (makes sense). I think keeping track of where you are in relation to your last drinking can help you understand where you are in the process in a helpful way. Not everyone is the same, but there seem to be some common experiences here around the same time. Get back on that horse, J-Vo. We love you and are most definitely here for you. Inasmuch as an individual win is a group win here, an individual setback is a group setback - not that you hurt us, but we are here to collectively recover and help you keep moving forward.

And speaking of counting - Ginger has 90 days today! Way to go, Ginger! We don't hear much from you, but you are kicking butt.

And speaking of counting - I am 8 months sober today! Two thirds of a year. Amazing to think about and wonderful to be here with you all and your support.

Happy Sober Saturday,
xo
Pav

[narilly]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Way to go a Ginger!! 90 days! Yippee!

A beautiful Saturday here. I am sitting on my deck in the sun with my hubby drinking my tea with soy milk (ran out of real milk so I couldn't have coffee). I'm going to the market and might buy a purse today made by Douney and Bourque. I love their purses and this one is on sale (:

Pav, I have been day counting too, right now it's good for me. I must admit I am having mod thoughts right now. Like, I think I can drink when I go camping. WTH!!!
Something about me on a holiday, frick!

Love you girls, talk later.

[narilly]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Thanks Pav for that link. I just quickly read it and will read it again and again.

I have to protect my quit and get rid of these mod thoughts.
If I drink by the campfire, one isn't going to be enough and what is the point? I don't want to wake up hungover at ALL!
I can drink Rootbeer or soda water or whatever. Low al beer is not going to work because I will have one and then will want a bottle of wine. No, no,no, I do not want to drink this holiday.
Grrrrr....stupid mod thoughts!

[j-vo]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Thank you, ladies, SL, Nar, LB, NS, Ava, Wags, Daisy, Patrice, Pav, (I'll be reading that article. Thank you)Star, Byrdie, Kailey, for all of your support, thoughts, words. I'm going to crawl out of my hole now, with all of my AF days since October safely with me. I won't leave those behind.

NS, It's impossible for most people to stay strong alone. Having a support group of people you trust and care for is probably the most important recovery tool one can have. And you're right that I couldn't run off, and damn, I'm lucky for that. But what i need to do is use my most important recovery tool, you girls, when I have that first moderation thought. I ran with the first thought to computer, reading everything I could on moderation until 3 a.m. I had it all figured out. I'd work as hard at moderation as I have at abstinence. But what I denied was the fact that alcoholic brains and addictive brains don't work like that no matter how hard one tries. I need to read more about the addictive brain and listen again to the bubble hour with John Kelly. If anyone knows of good literature on this topic, please send it my way. I think that's what I need to drill into my head. The Addictive Brain can never moderate no matter how hard you try. Thanks for the other articles.

Ava, those synonyms are bloody boring. The last one, 'garden-variety?' hmm. I do need to accept myself for who I am. I did see good in myself, all those nice things you said about me. And when I drink, I never see them or feel them. They disappear. They're non-existent. I have a lot to learn from you. You're compassion and love are so strong, and I feel it. It's reached me all the way across the globe. I never want to lose that. Ever. I don't want al to rule my life. I wanna be in control and I know I can't when that poison is in me. I want control of my life. Recovery is the New Normal.

Wags, I like that 'blip' that reset my odometer but didn't erase my accomplishments. As NS said, I've been almost al-free since October. I've learned a great deal, learned how to live without alcohol in my daily life, learned how to handle stress, deal with life's difficulties, and learned how to love myself. I know that all of that would go away if I'd try to moderate, as I wouldn't be able to. I'd go downhill eventually, and who knows if i'd be able to put on the breaks again.

Pav, what will I do differently? The first mod thought, I'll call someone, post, and not hide my thinking. I had these thoughts prior to drinking, a few days, and I could have put a halt on this, but I put myself through hell, then fell because I didn't talk about it.