Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

[Pavati]

Me again. how is everyone? TMH??

Pav

[ToMyHealth]

I'm here! Today is a good day. Can tell my dh is worried that I may be depressed. Seems to come and go. I'm trying to be more interesting, engage in coversation at end of day which was no problem when drinking. We, of course, thought we solved all the world's problems.

Pav, congrats on your 1,000 days. That's awesome!

Hey, thanks, NS for encouragement. I keep remembering they are just thoughts, can let them go.

TT, sorry for your struggles. Great that you are not turning to drink. :thumbsup:
LB, good luck on job search. Did you get a renter?

Well, we are starting to get sun here in so. FL. Going to get outdoors for some exercise. Hope things calm down quickly north of here!

[NoSugar]

Hope you miss out on all the rain, TMH. It sounds like quite a few states are going to have challenging holiday weekends in terms of weather.

You'll have your month in soon! It's great that you kept your commitment in spite of the poor sleep you experienced. It sounds like the non-AL beers really work for you. I tried the dealcoholized wines but even expensive ones tasted pretty awful to me. The process must work better with beer so that's good news for you. Have you given any thought to what's next for you in terms of drinking?

Hi, Pav. Your posts in the NN sound like you're doing fine :smile:. I hope you're feeling better, TT.

xx, NS

[ToMyHealth]

Hey, agree about the NA wine. Only tried 2. NA beer isn't bad. At least to me.

After 30 days? Fairly certain I'll stop counting and occasionally drink. Like Frances. Although I know she attributes her success at doing such for quitting 9 months. It's kind of scary. What helped tremendously was having dh on board. Dr. Has been switching up his cholesterol meds and it has affected his liver # and he knew cutting back the drinking could do nothing but help. He gets tested again the end of Sept. And if he wants to stay totally AF, I will support him in that!

Everyone has been and is so supportive. Thank you!

[NoSugar]

That would be great if you can reach the place Frances is, TMH. She sounds very content - and isn't that what we're all looking for? I was never content when I was drinking addictively - I was always anxiously getting past or frantically moving towards a drink. Frances seems to have what most of us wanted - to be able to drink occasionally and to never over drink. That's what I wanted, anyway, but don't anymore. I like things the way they are now just fine.

My daughter just bought one of those 4-packs of single-serving wines. Even now the amount in each looks laughably small - like the amount I might have before I poured the "first" glass.

Thanks for waking up this sleepy thread! I hope you keep posting.

[frances]

Hi guys - thought I would chime in. You're right TMH, that I attribute the fact that I have been successful to first being 9 months AF. But I did have several tries before that where my AF time was much less (each time it was anywhere from 30 to 45 days). I think you knew that but I just wanted to let you know in case you didn't. In those cases, I always went back to my problem drinking within just a couple/few months. It didn't seem like that short amount of time 'did the trick'. Maybe you will be fine - - I'm not sure how long it takes for a brain to get rewired. And unfortunately, for most people, even after very long AF periods, if they drink again they will go right back to where they were - so who knows? But everyone is different, and there are definitely exceptions to every rule, as I have found out!

Honestly, I am definitely in a good place, but the truth is that having AL on those occasions when I do is really not that great. I could do without and don't know why I even do it when I do half the time. It kind of goes back to that saying 'if only one why not none'....so true!

The other thing about your situation is the very active social life that you have. I just know that would be hard for me even now! I think I would be OK but I'm honestly not sure. If and when my life changes and I start having more social activities (I'm thinking in retirement maybe, or when both kids are out of the house??) I know I'm going to have to be very careful and may have to go totally AF who knows? If it stops me going back to where I was before, I will do it!

I wish you all the best whatever you choose to do - you've been doing great and using this site really helps - I'm glad you are having the success that you are!!

[ToMyHealth]

Thanks guys. At least I now know I can do it. For years 30 days seemed impossible! I would get to 14 or 15 and then give up. I am going to try use the tools I learned. Example: we both are on golf tee sheet today. Dh announced what he had going after that and fact he would probably be home late. I need to make dinner and eat early (6:00) and he can eat when he gets home. That goes against my grain, but it is necessary.

Yest was a real fluke. We went to golf club fully expecting to play in Folds of Honor tourney. Bag boys looked at us questionably and said we were not on tee sheet. Say what? Well, turns out people we partnered with failed to sign us up with them. They just signed their names. If you have a foursome, you need to put all names in same slot. Consequently, someone called in to see if there was room, and got put with this couple. Reason I left it up to her was we were waiting on whether they could do it. Were having weekend company, however, leaving for Sanibel Mon. morning. So, she said we are good to go! Ok, willl you sign "us up then? Yes. Did you sign "us" up? Yes. NOT.

Club was very kind. They comped us an 18 hole round on other course. So we played, then went in and contributed to the Folds of Honor (goes to military families).

Heard all of you say you've had drinking dreams. On Sunday night I had an O'Douls dream. Police were in my house. Two empty cans of O'Doul's were on the end table. We evidently had been in a meet and greet. Police suspected alcohol. I said well, we had an O'Douls and police said well, it looks like you had one here too and you could be impaired after 2 at your size. I had to show him can where it says nonalcoholic beverage. Too funny!

Frances, you are so right. Our social life will pick up even more now as the seasonal people return.Yest we sat at bar while people came in off tourney. When a bartender serves you O'Douls they have to bring glass and bottle. Our bartender is a neat freak and, of course, removes the bottle once you pour your drink. So it looked as though we were enjoying a brew (don't care if bottle was still there, it just wasn't) and it was like we were in Cheers greeting everyone who came through. I never realized how many people do stop and get a drink prior to going into dining room for lunch. We had a prime seat. But it was a holiday, and maybe some were celebrating playing well!

Like you, Frances, I do not want to go back to where I was. This is becoming a book. Will go get ready now.

[NoSugar]

TMH, Congratulations again on the 30 days.

You sound like you're as content having an O'Douls as having an alcoholic beverage. I'm wondering why you're considering giving up the peace of mind and confidence you've gained by returning to the occasional alcoholic drink? And if you've gotten your sleep patterns more where you want them, the periodic drink might interfere with that.

I guess I don't know what you'll gain by drinking at this point.

I don't mean for this to sound like I'm trying to talk you out of what you're deciding to do if that's what you've chosen - I'm just trying to understand your choice. And offer support regardless of what that is.

Have a good day. Back to Blazing Hot here :frown:.

[ToMyHealth]

NS, it's funny you brought up point about going back to occasional drinking. Because that thought occurred to me about Frances too. I believe her mindset was if it turns out I'm back to Square One, return to AF.
For me I feel a sense of freedom. Like I now again have a choice. I have missed our 1 or 2 drinks where we discuss what did or did not work on golf course that day. We go our separate ways a lot more, tv wise and working on computer. Think we both had to work at maintaining a sense of connectedness, not a bad thing. Imdo not miss when we overdid it, of course.
But I will refrain from talking about it here. Just addressing your trying to understand where I'm at. Truthfully, no decision right now and no rush. Oh, sleep is still an issue. Not quite as bad as initially, but I probably slept through the night 2X.
Later....

[NoSugar]

Well, TMH, it won't bother me if you mention when you drink (why, how it felt, worth it or not, etc.) and it seems like we're pretty much the only ones here :upset:. I'm interested in how it goes for you and don't at all feel like it threatens me. Take care, NS

[Guitarista]

I have missed our 1 or 2 drinks where we discuss what did or did not work on golf course that day.

Hiya Gloamers.

Congrat's on your AF time TMH. Huge accomplishment friend. :thumbsup:

re your above words, i sure get this. And it is classic. I have to ask, are you missing the drinking, or the quality time and company/conversation with that person? My point is that i fall for this one all the time. I think it's the booze that makes me have such a warm and fun time, but it never is really. It is always the quality of the company i am keeping, with or without the booze. Just a thought.

Big waves to everyone!

Now where are you Narilly?

[NoSugar]

Nice to see you, Mr G. Like you, I believe that alcohol is a quick and easy to use tool for bringing out what is already within us - it's a fantastic disinhibitor! But it can't create anything. I liked that I was more open and loving to people when I had a couple drinks in me and thought I needed the alcohol to be that way. Turns out I can (with some effort) get to that part of me without drugs - and then both I and the object of my attentions know that I mean everything I do or say.

Nar is happily living her AF-HFLC life, I'm glad to say!

[treetops]

Hi there and thought I would chime in. For many many years I thought that I had a choice about whether or not to drink. Anything less was an insult to my intelligence I figured. I also chose to abstain because I weighed up the health risks AL was doing to my body. I remained AF for 9 months and then when on holiday, flying premier economy I 'chose' to have a glass of bubbly. I kept choosing a lot during that trip. I felt I was in control because I could stop and start my drinking and also because I had had 9 months AF under my belt. Well bit by bit the habits crept back in and soon I was abusing AL every day. I hung on to that 9 months golden window as proof that I could stop. And every day there was a reason not to. It would take me about 7 years before I quit again. And the last attempts to quit, to try to limit my drinks, every little mental game or agreement I had with myself were utter hell.
I know we are all different. I know some people can have a drink and that's it. And I wouldn't fall to pieces if I had a drink. But it just isn't worth it -for me- and so many others here.

[Guitarista]

I believe there is often, if not always some sort of mental health issue going on within us that causes us to drink abusively. There might be a fairly good chance that if we haven't addressed this and improved or eliminated that/those mental health issues that led us to numbing out, we could find cutting back our drinking futile.

Either way, i wish you all the best TMH, and safe travels.

(for pete's sake G man. Just let the TMH do what he/she wants to do! bloody meddling busybody do-gooders :nutso:.....)

[NoSugar]

I believe there is often, if not always some sort of mental health issue going on within us that causes us to drink abusively. There might be a fairly good chance that if we haven't addressed this and improved or eliminated that/those mental health issues that led us to numbing out, we could find cutting back our drinking futile.

Along with the Death Wish book I told you about, I've been reading The Biology of Desire: Why Addiction Is Not a Disease: Marc Lewis PhD: 978161394376: Amazon.com: Books by Marc Lewis, which is a much tougher read but in many ways compliments the ideas in Death Wish. I'd avoided reading books like this for a long time because I wanted addiction to be a brain (not mental or psychological) disease caused by the drug (i.e. not my fault) and I didn't want to believe that there was anything about my upbringing, past experiences, or mental health that contributed to it. I liked the narrative that I innocently consumed alcohol, it caused pathological changes in my previously healthy brain, and I therefore became addicted. I needed this explanation because the only other options I was aware of was that my parents were awful and caused me to be this way or that I was a morally corrupt, weak person who was choosing to drink despite the soul-sucking consequences.

The longer I've been AF, the more I've been able to non-judgmentally look at myself and understant that I (and all aspects of my life) were not as perfect and easy as I wanted them to appear and to remember. I've had all sorts of behaviors over the years, beginning in early childhood, that I now realize were self-soothing, addictive actions. I found ways to make my perfectionistic, people-pleasing, over-achieving self feel "better".

Marc Lewis' (and others') thesis is that we experience new things and learn from them. The more we do them, the better we are at doing them. Over time, the things we learn "best" become habits. He explains how all parts of the brains are involved, communicating with one another, and how the neural pathways develop. It is much more complicated than a battle between our lizard and rational brains. So, any kind of addiction can develop from our chasing our natural, healthy desire to feel good (or as Chandler expresses it, to thrive). Lewis' model of learning explains not only how addiction develops but how it is overcome - we can develop new neural pathways such that we come to desire abstinence more than we desire drinking. It is all a process of learning and development. Both he and Chandler discuss what I think many of us have experienced - this is much more than recovery. We don't return to where we were before we became addicted. We learn and develop and evolve into much different people than we were, generally happier, more content, more empathetic, and less ego-driven. We aren't morally weak or diseased - in an effort to regain our innate health and well-being, we learned all too well a method that did more harm than good. It appears that addictive neural pathway remains intact but it can be weakened while others are strengthened and it becomes our habit to make ourselves feel good in other, kinder ways.