Mornin all ..and hows things today? ok I hope ..well weather over here is back to its normal self...rain followed closely by more rain ...and a gentle breeze to move it along ..still none of the white stuff landed yet!Saga of leak continues ...ok on with the show lets see what weve got!
tea and big coffee this morning .
Hiya Narilly hows things with you today?
Morning Sam ..hows you today ? Christmas tree seen ,cut and decorated yet?glad you got most of your work done before the weather came in
Morning Lav ..how are you today?more snow I hear you say?Whats the plans for today then ? take it you are doing the hosting over Chrimbo..lets go to Grans for dinner?Went swimming yesterday ..just minding my own business and these two ladies were walking up and down in the pool side by side discussing Coronation Street ..would they move ? would they hell .After about 20 lengths of dodging and diving, just swam into one of them,,,solved the problem and also gave them something else to talk about ...also found a shop yesterday thats sells Tootsie Roll ..think its an American sweet.Never had it before ..but mmm lovely ..some diet huh?Here you go one big coffee.
Hiya Pauly ...yes will be a pain to get that fixed but it will be done!Yes it can be a pain when you think about drink ,but in the main it soon goes..as for oh well I might as well as Ill be drinking anyway ...turn it round...this will be me my first af Chrimbo and New Year.
Hiya the tops of trees ..well how did the party go ?Food galore ...yeeha ...were ou people watching too ...at the booze monsters?..love it..how initially really quiet Mr and Mrs Greys are and as thre night wears on ,they can speak every language under the sun ,fought the world ,done everything twice..I find it really interesting/funny .As for the house cleaning ..well thats down to me mainly nowadays but hey ..I always leave a little bit of something pater etc on the carpet downstairs ..when madam sees it then she picks it up and the world is a happy place..Psychology rools!...he cleans the house ..but not as good as me!!
Hiya Det glad you are feeling better..defo nothing wrong with putting yourself first!!I used to work like mad,and guess what ..it nearly went pear shaped,and prisoners still tried to escape ,and there were still incidents and audit teams still came in so hey ...realise the world is gonna be there for a lot longer than we are..so enjoy it while you can.Even if you enjoy your work its something you cant share,with oh..numero uno is you and thats not being selfish ..life aint a rehearsal ...so get on with it..as for garlic ..just planted some more ..monkeys foot? inside see how they do.
Hiya ppqp ...hows you in the warm climes of -17? jeez heres a hooooge coffee for you..hows work doing ok now weve hit the silly season?
lotsa people missing ...where are they all......yoohoo :hello2: and :colorwelcome:
right folks for the offski have a good one
I've started my own dating agency for chickens, it's not going well, I'm struggling to make hens meet
I'm lying in bed, smoking a joint and listening to the Carpenters...
Who are taking way too long installing this fu.king kitchen.
The wife shouted "There's a tramp going through our bins!"
"Ah leave him, he's doing no harm" I replied.
"But he's in the fucking kitchen!" she screamed.
The Apple store in Central London was broken into last night.
Police are looking for iWitnesses...
We stood face to face, gazing into each others eyes.
Then she said the three little words that changed my life forever
"That's him, officer"
When I was young, my mum always used to hit me with the telephone.>
I was always on the receiving end.....
I went to the Jobcentre earlier, to see if they had anything for me.
The girl said, 'We have a few positions in data entry.'
'Sorry,' I replied, 'but I can't use a computer.'
'You can't use a computer? In this day and age? Are you mentally handicapped?'
'No,' I replied, 'but it's one of my bail conditions.
A girl of seven walked into her mother's bedroom and asked her to tell her a bedtime story.
The mother wasn't thrilled with the request.
She said, "It's almost two in the morning."
"I know, Mummy, but I'd love to hear a story."
The mother said, "Lie down in bed with me. We'll wait for your father to get in and he'll tell us both one!"
Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation,
Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs..'
The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him ?80 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick ?160 a week.
When Paddy found out he was furious.. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'
'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter "
Paddy is booking into a guest house and looking around the reception when he notices a sign on the wall.
He asks the owner, "What time do you get in?"
The owner looks confused and says, "Well, I'm the owner, I live here. Why do you ask?"
Paddy says, "Well, on that sign there it says, 'Guests have to be in before you!' "
The owner replies, "You seem to have misunderstood Sir!
It says, 'Guests must be in before 1 am!"
THINGS THAT ONLY HAPPEN IN MOVIES:
1. When paying for a taxi, do not look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
2. James Bond never gets an STD.
3. Dogs and children know immediately that someone is the bad guy.
4. No matter how pointless to the plot, the male and female leads will have to have a bedroom scene.
5. People hack into computers by incessantly typing on the keyboard. Even though they don't appear to be working in DOS mode, they never use the mouse.
6. There is always a gun in reach when you fall onto the ground.
7. Just as the hero and villains fight ends, with the hero winning, about a dozen police cars show up.
8. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
9. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at once.
10. Prostitutes always look like Steven Gerrard & Jamie Carragher.
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys....
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple; and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
Question: Who was the survivor?
Answer:
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
**** Men keep scrolling.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.!!
My wife's barricaded herself in the kitchen in a rage,after a massive argument over how miserable and tight I've become since we got married.
She's in there now,ripping all the plates in half.
Last night I watched a documentary on Asthma.
Breathtaking stuff.
My wife left a note on the TV today saying,"It's not working,I'm leaving."
I plugged it in,turned it on,nothing wrong with it the stupid git!
My little boy just came running down the stairs shouting at the top of his voice,"Daaaaad,Daaaaad,don't get me a bike for Christmas." I said,"Why son?" He said,"I just found one behind the wardrobe."
tea and big coffee this morning .
Hiya Narilly hows things with you today?
Morning Sam ..hows you today ? Christmas tree seen ,cut and decorated yet?glad you got most of your work done before the weather came in
Morning Lav ..how are you today?more snow I hear you say?Whats the plans for today then ? take it you are doing the hosting over Chrimbo..lets go to Grans for dinner?Went swimming yesterday ..just minding my own business and these two ladies were walking up and down in the pool side by side discussing Coronation Street ..would they move ? would they hell .After about 20 lengths of dodging and diving, just swam into one of them,,,solved the problem and also gave them something else to talk about ...also found a shop yesterday thats sells Tootsie Roll ..think its an American sweet.Never had it before ..but mmm lovely ..some diet huh?Here you go one big coffee.
Hiya Pauly ...yes will be a pain to get that fixed but it will be done!Yes it can be a pain when you think about drink ,but in the main it soon goes..as for oh well I might as well as Ill be drinking anyway ...turn it round...this will be me my first af Chrimbo and New Year.
Hiya the tops of trees ..well how did the party go ?Food galore ...yeeha ...were ou people watching too ...at the booze monsters?..love it..how initially really quiet Mr and Mrs Greys are and as thre night wears on ,they can speak every language under the sun ,fought the world ,done everything twice..I find it really interesting/funny .As for the house cleaning ..well thats down to me mainly nowadays but hey ..I always leave a little bit of something pater etc on the carpet downstairs ..when madam sees it then she picks it up and the world is a happy place..Psychology rools!...he cleans the house ..but not as good as me!!
Hiya Det glad you are feeling better..defo nothing wrong with putting yourself first!!I used to work like mad,and guess what ..it nearly went pear shaped,and prisoners still tried to escape ,and there were still incidents and audit teams still came in so hey ...realise the world is gonna be there for a lot longer than we are..so enjoy it while you can.Even if you enjoy your work its something you cant share,with oh..numero uno is you and thats not being selfish ..life aint a rehearsal ...so get on with it..as for garlic ..just planted some more ..monkeys foot? inside see how they do.
Hiya ppqp ...hows you in the warm climes of -17? jeez heres a hooooge coffee for you..hows work doing ok now weve hit the silly season?
lotsa people missing ...where are they all......yoohoo :hello2: and :colorwelcome:
right folks for the offski have a good one
I've started my own dating agency for chickens, it's not going well, I'm struggling to make hens meet
I'm lying in bed, smoking a joint and listening to the Carpenters...
Who are taking way too long installing this fu.king kitchen.
The wife shouted "There's a tramp going through our bins!"
"Ah leave him, he's doing no harm" I replied.
"But he's in the fucking kitchen!" she screamed.
The Apple store in Central London was broken into last night.
Police are looking for iWitnesses...
We stood face to face, gazing into each others eyes.
Then she said the three little words that changed my life forever
"That's him, officer"
When I was young, my mum always used to hit me with the telephone.>
I was always on the receiving end.....
I went to the Jobcentre earlier, to see if they had anything for me.
The girl said, 'We have a few positions in data entry.'
'Sorry,' I replied, 'but I can't use a computer.'
'You can't use a computer? In this day and age? Are you mentally handicapped?'
'No,' I replied, 'but it's one of my bail conditions.
A girl of seven walked into her mother's bedroom and asked her to tell her a bedtime story.
The mother wasn't thrilled with the request.
She said, "It's almost two in the morning."
"I know, Mummy, but I'd love to hear a story."
The mother said, "Lie down in bed with me. We'll wait for your father to get in and he'll tell us both one!"
Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation,
Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs..'
The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him ?80 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick ?160 a week.
When Paddy found out he was furious.. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'
'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter "
Paddy is booking into a guest house and looking around the reception when he notices a sign on the wall.
He asks the owner, "What time do you get in?"
The owner looks confused and says, "Well, I'm the owner, I live here. Why do you ask?"
Paddy says, "Well, on that sign there it says, 'Guests have to be in before you!' "
The owner replies, "You seem to have misunderstood Sir!
It says, 'Guests must be in before 1 am!"
THINGS THAT ONLY HAPPEN IN MOVIES:
1. When paying for a taxi, do not look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
2. James Bond never gets an STD.
3. Dogs and children know immediately that someone is the bad guy.
4. No matter how pointless to the plot, the male and female leads will have to have a bedroom scene.
5. People hack into computers by incessantly typing on the keyboard. Even though they don't appear to be working in DOS mode, they never use the mouse.
6. There is always a gun in reach when you fall onto the ground.
7. Just as the hero and villains fight ends, with the hero winning, about a dozen police cars show up.
8. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
9. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at once.
10. Prostitutes always look like Steven Gerrard & Jamie Carragher.
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys....
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple; and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
Question: Who was the survivor?
Answer:
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
**** Men keep scrolling.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.!!
My wife's barricaded herself in the kitchen in a rage,after a massive argument over how miserable and tight I've become since we got married.
She's in there now,ripping all the plates in half.
Last night I watched a documentary on Asthma.
Breathtaking stuff.
My wife left a note on the TV today saying,"It's not working,I'm leaving."
I plugged it in,turned it on,nothing wrong with it the stupid git!
My little boy just came running down the stairs shouting at the top of his voice,"Daaaaad,Daaaaad,don't get me a bike for Christmas." I said,"Why son?" He said,"I just found one behind the wardrobe."
hi Giraffe,well hope everyone has a good one week til x-mas day!
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