I'll never forget the first dance at our wedding.
I took my wife in my arms, looked her in the eyes, then whispered in her ear...
"The back of your dress is tucked in your knickers."
The story of "The Hunger Games" could never happen in real life.
Everybody would just come to Britain and sign on.
I didn't believe my neighbour Tyrone when he said he was Jewish.
Until he stole my car and tried selling it back to me.
My wife likes to role-play in bed.
Usually she plays a coma patient.
Scientists report that the path of the Jet Stream is becoming increasingly wavy and meandering.
You're telling me, I can hardly get any of it in the toilet any more.
Since I started using Facebook, my spelling, grammar and vocabulary is so much gooder.
I turned up at my mums house in my brand new BMW 7 series.
"Wow," she said, "well that confirms what I always thought,"
"what's that mum?" I asked,
"that you're a right tosser." She replied.
My doctor phoned me today.
He said, "I have some devastating news, you only have 6 months to live."
I said, "Why... what's wrong?"
He said, "Your wife's just been to see me, she's 3 months pregnant."
"If one of us dies," I said to wife, "I'm going to buy a dog."
An Australian man killed his son, whose mother was English, with a cricket bat.
I can't help thinking that if the parent's nationalities were the opposite, the kid would still be alive.
My blonde girlfriend thinks that grand mal and petit mal are French shopping centres.
I've just found out that I need to have a tetanus injection.
The wife's got us tickets for the Jeremy Kyle show next week.
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