Af Tuesday 11 March

[scottish lass]

Af Tuesday 11 March

Mick - not a blank diary - lots of green dots on my calendar - doing just fine, thanks.
Det - looked out for you on my way home!! You better behave or I will have to come find you. Stockton has a bad rep, but there are some ok parts - I do plan to move out of here when girls finish school. At least it is a pretty day....
Big school meeting tomorrow with all teachers and counselor tomorrow - thanks to all the advice a couple of weeks back, hopefully this will help get on track, but I am really dreading it....at least I am strong enough not to fall into a bottle becasue of dreading it - just have to ensure I don't do that after the meeting (saying it out loud (well not really out loud:H) on here helps)

[TheSunFlower]

Af Tuesday 11 March

TT....I think the teen years can be tough whether it is a boy or girl. One church service I went to (regular pastor was on sabbatical)....the "sermon" was about being a safe landing place for your kids. There was a lot of depth in that talk. The kids and I had a long talk about me being a safe landing place for them. Now we have a post-it on the bathroom mirror that says "Safe Landing Place". Now both the of the boys will come to me stating, "I need a safe landing place to talk". Out of the whole crazy church thing...I was really glad I was there for that sermon. I think I might be able to find the link....I will PM it to you, if I locate it. It is not churchy

Went to my book club tonight rather interesting talk. The short of it was...."We all think the insanity started because of the addiction, but is it possible the addiction started because of the insanity". Insanity being described as emotional unease or separateness.

Sometimes we hear that "I was an alcoholic from the first sip", almost thinking that addiction was lying inside of us waiting to come alive with alcohol. What I have seen is that there are numerous shitty ways to deal with shit. I choose alcohol.

At the time I started drinking I had a crazy home life and school was just as crazy. I did not want to be at school, but I did not want to be home either. If I had not found alcohol at the age of 16...I may well have gone crazy.

Sometimes when I am going through a period of emotional unease, I will almost wish my addiction back. I know of one way to quiet that emotional uneasiness. Used it for years.

I am not back in my funk. Rather I think I can see this more clearly because I am out of it. It isn't earth shattering that I drank for a reason. Rather it is seeing what the reason was. Since I can't just quit "emotional unease"...I see better why I have to be on top of it when it appears. I can go to a therapist, recovery group, read, post here.....but emotional unease will usually show up regardless.

[Determinator]

Af Tuesday 11 March

back again....
SL, I forgot you are local here! not to worry, I'm behaving pretty darn well. nice long sunny walk to and from the restaurant. Important note: don't order curry at a Vietnamese restaurant. not so good. should have stuck to a native specialty like pho or bun cha. oh well, loved the walk.

SF, good questions to ask ourselves indeed. I think the answers to all my issues are in my sig line. sounds so simple.....

I'm going to NOT stay up all night doing work emails. going to get plenty of sleep and ready myself for another day on the road.

be well everyone (again)

[treetops]

Af Tuesday 11 March

Det - I was listening to the radio in the car and they mentioned Stockton - sounds grim there!