Tuesday 25 Aug AF daily

[bear73]

Hey all,I don't drink and it's day 6, I woke up at 6am due to OH snoring,in attitude of gratitude it allows me to get into work earlier and prepare for tonight's meeting.Sat with cat having a coffee,me,not the cat.

It's feeling Autumnal today,I love Autumn and the few months build up until Christmas.
This week I'm focusing on re-establishing gym and running routine and getting back on track healthy food wise.Next week I'm going to try a yoga class,been meaning to do for ages,busy in evenings this week after work.Meeting tonight,seeing friend tomorrow and hair cut Thursday then friends over for food Friday.

I'm glad I don't drink,as looking at that - I don't have the time!
Training today - confidence and assertiveness,should be good and then an evening meeting.I have womb biopsy next Tuesday which I'm trying not to think about until it happens,I know test is painful and aftermath,then trying not to worry too much about the results.Keeping it in today.

[treetops]

Tuesday 25 Aug AF daily

Morning Bear! There is no need to feel gratitude for your OH snoring. I greatly sympathize which is why I have my own room.
Anyway I am a proud pessimist - I think we lot get a hard time. It was my pessimism that got me out of denial about my drinking. So I look at things in a different way - its the old glass half empty- half full analogy (excuse an AL image).

had a nice comment from my daughter in the car today - she said she was really glad I quit drinking. One thing she hated was that G. my partner/her Dad would blame my drinking for everything that went wrong in our family - now he has to find other reasons - which are usually more realistic. Usually - not always!:H

Its evening here and the sun is gone. Exam week as I mentioned. Tortillas, beans, salad (and chicken for the carnivores) tonight.
What a contraption on your leg you have to put up with Lav! I hope your grandson settles into school.
Hiddy-ho everyone else - and have a great Tuesday.

[Mick]

Tuesday 25 Aug AF daily

mae all...how are yiz?been sitting looking at mondays thread thinking thats strange ..all these people on here already..then the penny dropped ..its Tuesday ...duh!!just that Julie was off yest so made me think today was the weekstart..so how are things today then?wet and windy start to the day over here....whats it like over n under the pond?

ok tea n coffee on the boil/stew/mash

hiya bear hows you today?all good ..you and the cat sat on the mat??....hmmm sure I remember that from somewhere in the past (skool) day 6...well done...make this the last day 6 have a good day.

mornin Mr G ...hows down under today?all good ?beaut..have a good one.

hiya Lav...well how did the wee man get on at kindergarten?did he enjoy it?well impressed with the new footwear you got...look on the bright side you can buy as many shoes as you want at the mo....at half the price per pair :H any plans for today?need to get into the garden but stones reeeelly wet today ..not bothered about me but its not so clever to put plants into..well think I will ponder over a brew ..want one? as ..if !!!!!

hiya Sam..low 80s? Ill have some of that!!how you doing today?all good ? so whats on the agenda for today then?

hiya pauly...how are you doing today?all good I hope...hey just b coz you dont drink doesnt mean to say you cant enjoy yourself...its progressive just like training ..you have to go through the pain barrier to reach your goal..ie put yourself through cant drink,then wont drink,then maybe I can moderate?then actually I dont want to...I go out now to functions etc..and probably have as good if not better laughs than the duty drunks!but its all progressive..there you go ..a free lecture!!!:H..have a grand day

hiya SL...hows you today then?all good ?hows school treating your daughters...have they settled back into it yet?..which means less hassle for you.....

hiya ppqp...hows you? have you caught up with work yet?heres a brew until you do...look at that ..poetry springs eternal :H

hiya Det...red garlic??never seen that before is it just a colour thingy or a strength and taste difference too?..

right my merry bunch of booze busters time to go....decisions decisions...should I do some work or watch Jeremy Kyle all day?...no case to answer really!!!!!!!:H:H

have a good one

?Do you mind telling me why you ran away from the operating room?? the hospital administrator asked the patient.

Because the nurse said, ?Don?t be afraid!
An appendectomy is quite simple.?

? So?.?

? So?? exclaimed the man..?She was talking that to the doctor!!!!?

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

?No thank you.? she said politely. ?This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I?m keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.?

?That must be rather difficult.? the man replied.

?Oh, I don?t mind too much.? she said. ?But, it has my husband pretty upset.?

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

MAN: ?What was that for??

WIFE: ?What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it??

MAN: ?Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.?

The wife is satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.

Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.

MAN: ?What was that for this time??

WIFE: ?Your horse phoned.?

The girl said, ?I?ll go first.? She walked past the chair, the whip, and the gun and stepped right into the lion?s cage. The lion started to snarl and pant and began to charge her. About half way there, she threw open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to her, and started licking her ankles. He continued to lick her calves, kissed them, and then rested his head at her feet.

The circus owner?s mouth was on the floor. He said, ?I?ve never seen a display like that in my life.? He then turned to the young man and asked, ?Can you top that??

The young man replied, ?No problem, just get that lion out of the way.?

A man showing off his new flat to friends late at night was asked by one of them, ?Why the big brass gong in the corner??

?That?s my talking clock,? he replied, ?I?ll show you how it works.? With that, he gave the gong an almighty whack with a golf club. Instantly, a voice from the next flat screamed, ?Hey, shut up! It?s nearly midnight!?

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted.

She told the artist: ?Paint me with diamond ear-rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach and a gold Rolex.?

The confused artist said: ?But you?re not wearing any of those things.? ?I know,? she said. ?But if I die before my husband,I?m sure my husband will remarry. And I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelery.?

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee?s home phone number and was greeted with a child?s whisper.

?Hello.?

?Is your daddy home?? he asked.

?Yes,? whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him??

The child whispered, ?No.?

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult,the boss asked, ?Is your Mommy there??

?Yes.?

?May I talk with her??

Again the small voice whispered, ?No.?

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, ?Is anybody else there??

?Yes,? whispered the child, ?a policeman?

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee?s home, the boss asked, ?May I speak with the policeman??

?No, he?s busy?, whispered the child.

?Busy doing what??

?Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,? came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, ?What is that noise??

?A helicopter? answered the whispering voice.

?What is going on there?? demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, ?The search team just landed the Helicopter.?

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, ?What are they searching for??

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:

?ME.?

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and ?do it? for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he?d like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl?s parent?s house and meets his girlfriend at the door. ?Oh I?m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in.? The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl?s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, ?I had no idea you were so religious.? The boy turns and whispers back, ?I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.?

On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to the economy section since she didn?t have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, ?I?m blonde, I?m beautiful, I?m going to New York and I?m not moving.?

Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak to her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, ?I?m blonde, I?m beautiful, I?m going to New York and I?m not moving.? The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, ?I?m married to a blonde and I know how to handle this.?

He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde?s ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section, mumbling to herself, ?Why didn?t anyone just say so ??

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked the captain what he said to her.

The captain replied, ?I told her the first class section wasn?t going to New York.?

[Lavande]

Tuesday 25 Aug AF daily

Good morning Abbers & happy Tuesday!

Hard a hard time getting on the site but perseverance paid off
Thanks for the start up bear. Glad to hear you are back on plan. About the uterine biopsy - don't worry, I've had two of them & they're not a big deal. I was told to take some ibuprofen before going in, it helps.

TT, about the snoring thing - I've had my own room for years too for the same reason :H
It's impossible to convince a snorer just how loud & disruptive his snoring is so you do what you have to do :H

Det - red garlic? Never heard of it, I'll have to Google that!!!

Mick, thanks for the coffee & keep it coming!
Dragging that air boot around is exhausting, I kid you not! Not sure how I am going to cope with that thing for another 29 days Sunny, hot & humid here today.

Greetings to all & wishing a great AF Tuesday for everyone!

Lav

[paulywogg]

Tuesday 25 Aug AF daily

Mae everybody,i swear dumb blonde jokes never get old haha,thanks Mick,and yes i do have fun without drinking,right now i'm in that state of apathy of quitting drinking,i hate the feeling! i know it's just a part of it but i want my positive self back,grrr,it's not a depression just a meh state of being,i certainly won't let it get me down,i've gotten most of my bills caught up from last month,i haven't missed a day of work,i'm watching Louie most of the week,so yes there are more improvements in my life without diarreah in a can(beer)i think i'm a little down too because i keep remebering last year at this time,next week is the anni of gramma passing and all that b-day fiasco,it feels like it was just a couple of months ago,unreal it's been a year! i'll be hanging close to get through this,post morn/arvo even if nobody is around,still good to, get out of my head,i hope everybody has a lovely TuesdayP.SDet,i wanna see red garlic,can you post a pic?

[Samstone]

Tuesday 25 Aug AF daily

morning all
nothing like waking up and having the phone ring from 3 different folks in a row.... grr... I'm taking the phone off the hook till 8am from now on. My routine of quiet in the am seriously disrupted, but I'll live, I reckon. Mushroom work, then veying on the blackboard today. SIL from the western US of A is back east and hope to get a visit in with her tonight.

off to the races, hope everyone has good one!
Sam

[Guitarista]

Tuesday 25 Aug AF daily

Have a great MAE everyone.

All good downunder Mick.

[Mick]

Tuesday 25 Aug AF daily

just thought I would post tonight..out reely early tomorrow so was going to post tomorrows thread tonight..but that wouldnt be fair because it is still tonight here as well as a lot of other places..appreciate in some areas tonight is already tomorrow..but never the less I should wait until tomorrow to put the thread up because someone somewhere could look at the today thread knowing full well the today post had been put up yesterday....


eezy innit??? :H:H:H:H heres tomorrows jokes today...


Lav..

Dear Dogs,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn?t help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

Sincerely,
Your Overwhelmed Owner

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, ?Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.?

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.

However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, ?Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.?

That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark:

?That?s Strange!?

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The blonde driver turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of wheat on the road. The farmer that lived nearby came to investigate. ?Hey, Willis,? he called out, ?forget your troubles for a while and come and have dinner with us. Then I?ll help you overturn the wagon.?

?That?s very nice of you,? Willis answered, ?but I don?t think Dad would like me to.?

?Aw, come on, son!? the farmer insisted.

?Well, OK,? the boy finally agreed, ?but Dad won?t like it.?

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked the host. ?I feel a lot better now, but I know Dad?s going to be real upset.?

?Don?t be silly!? said the neighbor. ?By the way, where is he??

?Under the wagon,? replied Willis.

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.

Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoos most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that its a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lions cage.
Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up.

Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, ?Help, Help me!?, but the lion is quick and pounces.

The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, ?Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired??

At about 3 a.m., a guy was drunk as a skunk. He came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, he cuckooed nine more times, hoping his wife would think it was midnight.

He was very proud of himself.

The next day, his wife asked what time he got home, and he replied, ?Midnight, just like I said.?

She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When he asked why, she answered, ?Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said ?Crap!,? cuckooed one more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling.?

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned, and asks, ?What if the place is still bugged??

The groom says, ?I?ll look for a bug.? He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. Finally, he says, ?AHA!? Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window.

The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds, ?How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel??

The groom says, ?Why are you asking me all of these questions??

The hotel manager says, ?Well, the couple in the room UNDER you complained that the chandelier fell on them.?

There is a truck driver driving along, and he stops and picks up a priest to give him a ride.

He?s driving down the highway and he sees a lawyer along the side of the road and thinks, ?Hot damn! A lawyer that I could run over!? So he speeds up and heads straight for him.

At the last second he remembers the priest with him. So he swerves real quick to miss him, but still hears a thump. He looks behind, no sign of the lawyer.

He says to the priest ?Wow, that was a close one, I almost hit that lawyer!?

The priest then replies ?That?s ok son, I got him with my door.?

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen.

Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey they had received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

When she walked back at Mother Superior?s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

?Mother,? the nuns asked with earnest, ?please give us some wisdom before you die.?

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, ?Don?t sell that cow.?

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, ?Here, put these on.?

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

?I can?t wear your trousers.? she said.

?That?s right,? said the husband, ?and don?t you ever forget it. I?m the man who wears the pants in this family.?

With that she flipped him her panties and said, ?Try these on.?

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

?Hell,? he said. ?I can?t get into your panties!?

She replied, ?That?s right?and that?s the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes.?

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what?s in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, of about 12 inches height, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart.

?Where on earth did you get that ???? asked the surprised bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: ?Here. Rub it.?

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there?s a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. ?I will grant you one wish ? just one.?

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, ?I want a million bucks !?

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. Another duck, then another soon follow it. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, ?You know, I think your genie?s a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.?

The man replies, ?Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist ??? ?

A Swiss guy visiting Sydney, Australia, pulls up at a bus stop where two locals are waiting.

?Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?? he asks.

The two Aussies just stare at him.

?Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?? he tries. The two continue to stare.

?Parlare Italiano??

No response.

?Hablan ustedes Espanol??

Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first Aussie turns to the second and says, ?Y?know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.?

?Why?? says the other. ?That guy knew four languages, and it didn?t do him any good.?

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, ?You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I?ll give you each a dollar if you?ll promise to come around every day and do your thing.? The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. ?This recession?s really putting a big dent in my income,? he told them. ?From now on, I?ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.?

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

?Look,? he said, ?I haven?t received my Social Security check yet, so I?m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay??

?A lousy quarter?? the drum leader exclaimed. ?If you think we?re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you?re nuts! No way, mister. We quit!? And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

[paulywogg]

Tuesday 25 Aug AF daily

I'll save reading the jokes for the morning Mick,it's always a good start to my dayhope you have a good outing tomorrow

[porqoui]

Tuesday 25 Aug AF daily

MAE ALL...

And I thought yesterday was busy!!!! Was early in to arrange rooms for 8am event and just got home now.

Everyone still sounds good, even you Pauly. We'll be keeping an eye out for you. Promise, things will settle down at work and I'll be able to post properly soon.

See Mick is off to meet his Mystery Mistress again tomorrow. Gotta be a woman, why else would he be up and out at those ungodly hours. :H

Not going in early tomorrow so like Pauly will read the jokes with my morning coffee.

Have a peaceful evening all......PPQP

[Lavande]

Tuesday 25 Aug AF daily

Well - I just read the first part of the jokes since they were directed at me & my dogs
Mick, honestly.....you seem to know exactly what I put up with every single day :H :H
My dogs do think they own the joint :H
Hope you have a fabulous day!!!!

Hi there Pauly & PQ!

[scottish lass]

Tuesday 25 Aug AF daily

Busy day, then left to get back for "back to school night" - had a supper ready for girls etc, half way in we were evacuated for a gas leak, so now trying to catch up on what I did not get done for leaving work early - what a waste of time!
Oh well - glad to see all checking in....
Have a good day all....