Its 4am...am I mad I wonder to myself????ok so I put the jokes up last night...moved em now to today!!
ppqp...excellent theory ..mystery mistress :H..flawed on at least 2 counts..
got one wife already...so why would I be so greedy as want 2 to spoil my fun to empty my bank account ..get nagging in stereo??its hard enough trying to make my own mind up ..far less try and get 2 women to do it for me!!! :H:H
its 4am..this is real time not some sorta fantasy land ..hand on heart..you tell me any woman up dressed(or not as the case may be)with a full head of warpaint on and hair done at this time of the morning..God did miracles...but even wasnt thaat good :H:H:H
have an early brew instead
have a great day everyone!!
Lav..
Dear Dogs,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn?t help, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
Sincerely,
Your Overwhelmed Owner
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, ?Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.?
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.
However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, ?Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.?
That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark:
?That?s Strange!?
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The blonde driver turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"
To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of wheat on the road. The farmer that lived nearby came to investigate. ?Hey, Willis,? he called out, ?forget your troubles for a while and come and have dinner with us. Then I?ll help you overturn the wagon.?
?That?s very nice of you,? Willis answered, ?but I don?t think Dad would like me to.?
?Aw, come on, son!? the farmer insisted.
?Well, OK,? the boy finally agreed, ?but Dad won?t like it.?
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked the host. ?I feel a lot better now, but I know Dad?s going to be real upset.?
?Don?t be silly!? said the neighbor. ?By the way, where is he??
?Under the wagon,? replied Willis.
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.
Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoos most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that its a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lions cage.
Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up.
Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, ?Help, Help me!?, but the lion is quick and pounces.
The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, ?Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired??
At about 3 a.m., a guy was drunk as a skunk. He came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, he cuckooed nine more times, hoping his wife would think it was midnight.
He was very proud of himself.
The next day, his wife asked what time he got home, and he replied, ?Midnight, just like I said.?
She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When he asked why, she answered, ?Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said ?Crap!,? cuckooed one more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling.?
A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned, and asks, ?What if the place is still bugged??
The groom says, ?I?ll look for a bug.? He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. Finally, he says, ?AHA!? Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds, ?How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel??
The groom says, ?Why are you asking me all of these questions??
The hotel manager says, ?Well, the couple in the room UNDER you complained that the chandelier fell on them.?
There is a truck driver driving along, and he stops and picks up a priest to give him a ride.
He?s driving down the highway and he sees a lawyer along the side of the road and thinks, ?Hot damn! A lawyer that I could run over!? So he speeds up and heads straight for him.
At the last second he remembers the priest with him. So he swerves real quick to miss him, but still hears a thump. He looks behind, no sign of the lawyer.
He says to the priest ?Wow, that was a close one, I almost hit that lawyer!?
The priest then replies ?That?s ok son, I got him with my door.?
The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen.
Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey they had received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
When she walked back at Mother Superior?s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
?Mother,? the nuns asked with earnest, ?please give us some wisdom before you die.?
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, ?Don?t sell that cow.?
A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, ?Here, put these on.?
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
?I can?t wear your trousers.? she said.
?That?s right,? said the husband, ?and don?t you ever forget it. I?m the man who wears the pants in this family.?
With that she flipped him her panties and said, ?Try these on.?
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
?Hell,? he said. ?I can?t get into your panties!?
She replied, ?That?s right?and that?s the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes.?
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what?s in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, of about 12 inches height, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart.
?Where on earth did you get that ???? asked the surprised bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: ?Here. Rub it.?
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there?s a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. ?I will grant you one wish ? just one.?
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, ?I want a million bucks !?
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. Another duck, then another soon follow it. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, ?You know, I think your genie?s a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.?
The man replies, ?Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist ??? ?
A Swiss guy visiting Sydney, Australia, pulls up at a bus stop where two locals are waiting.
?Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?? he asks.
The two Aussies just stare at him.
?Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?? he tries. The two continue to stare.
?Parlare Italiano??
No response.
?Hablan ustedes Espanol??
Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first Aussie turns to the second and says, ?Y?know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.?
?Why?? says the other. ?That guy knew four languages, and it didn?t do him any good.?
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, ?You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I?ll give you each a dollar if you?ll promise to come around every day and do your thing.? The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. ?This recession?s really putting a big dent in my income,? he told them. ?From now on, I?ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.?
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
?Look,? he said, ?I haven?t received my Social Security check yet, so I?m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay??
?A lousy quarter?? the drum leader exclaimed. ?If you think we?re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you?re nuts! No way, mister. We quit!? And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
__________________
ppqp...excellent theory ..mystery mistress :H..flawed on at least 2 counts..
got one wife already...so why would I be so greedy as want 2 to spoil my fun to empty my bank account ..get nagging in stereo??its hard enough trying to make my own mind up ..far less try and get 2 women to do it for me!!! :H:H
its 4am..this is real time not some sorta fantasy land ..hand on heart..you tell me any woman up dressed(or not as the case may be)with a full head of warpaint on and hair done at this time of the morning..God did miracles...but even wasnt thaat good :H:H:H
have an early brew instead
have a great day everyone!!
Lav..
Dear Dogs,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn?t help, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
Sincerely,
Your Overwhelmed Owner
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, ?Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.?
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.
However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, ?Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.?
That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark:
?That?s Strange!?
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The blonde driver turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"
To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of wheat on the road. The farmer that lived nearby came to investigate. ?Hey, Willis,? he called out, ?forget your troubles for a while and come and have dinner with us. Then I?ll help you overturn the wagon.?
?That?s very nice of you,? Willis answered, ?but I don?t think Dad would like me to.?
?Aw, come on, son!? the farmer insisted.
?Well, OK,? the boy finally agreed, ?but Dad won?t like it.?
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked the host. ?I feel a lot better now, but I know Dad?s going to be real upset.?
?Don?t be silly!? said the neighbor. ?By the way, where is he??
?Under the wagon,? replied Willis.
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.
Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoos most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that its a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lions cage.
Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up.
Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, ?Help, Help me!?, but the lion is quick and pounces.
The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, ?Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired??
At about 3 a.m., a guy was drunk as a skunk. He came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, he cuckooed nine more times, hoping his wife would think it was midnight.
He was very proud of himself.
The next day, his wife asked what time he got home, and he replied, ?Midnight, just like I said.?
She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When he asked why, she answered, ?Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said ?Crap!,? cuckooed one more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling.?
A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned, and asks, ?What if the place is still bugged??
The groom says, ?I?ll look for a bug.? He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. Finally, he says, ?AHA!? Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds, ?How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel??
The groom says, ?Why are you asking me all of these questions??
The hotel manager says, ?Well, the couple in the room UNDER you complained that the chandelier fell on them.?
There is a truck driver driving along, and he stops and picks up a priest to give him a ride.
He?s driving down the highway and he sees a lawyer along the side of the road and thinks, ?Hot damn! A lawyer that I could run over!? So he speeds up and heads straight for him.
At the last second he remembers the priest with him. So he swerves real quick to miss him, but still hears a thump. He looks behind, no sign of the lawyer.
He says to the priest ?Wow, that was a close one, I almost hit that lawyer!?
The priest then replies ?That?s ok son, I got him with my door.?
The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen.
Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey they had received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
When she walked back at Mother Superior?s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
?Mother,? the nuns asked with earnest, ?please give us some wisdom before you die.?
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, ?Don?t sell that cow.?
A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, ?Here, put these on.?
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
?I can?t wear your trousers.? she said.
?That?s right,? said the husband, ?and don?t you ever forget it. I?m the man who wears the pants in this family.?
With that she flipped him her panties and said, ?Try these on.?
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
?Hell,? he said. ?I can?t get into your panties!?
She replied, ?That?s right?and that?s the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes.?
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what?s in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, of about 12 inches height, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart.
?Where on earth did you get that ???? asked the surprised bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: ?Here. Rub it.?
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there?s a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. ?I will grant you one wish ? just one.?
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, ?I want a million bucks !?
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. Another duck, then another soon follow it. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, ?You know, I think your genie?s a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.?
The man replies, ?Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist ??? ?
A Swiss guy visiting Sydney, Australia, pulls up at a bus stop where two locals are waiting.
?Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?? he asks.
The two Aussies just stare at him.
?Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?? he tries. The two continue to stare.
?Parlare Italiano??
No response.
?Hablan ustedes Espanol??
Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first Aussie turns to the second and says, ?Y?know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.?
?Why?? says the other. ?That guy knew four languages, and it didn?t do him any good.?
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, ?You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I?ll give you each a dollar if you?ll promise to come around every day and do your thing.? The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. ?This recession?s really putting a big dent in my income,? he told them. ?From now on, I?ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.?
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
?Look,? he said, ?I haven?t received my Social Security check yet, so I?m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay??
?A lousy quarter?? the drum leader exclaimed. ?If you think we?re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you?re nuts! No way, mister. We quit!? And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
__________________
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