Its been a weird week. The sheer joy and exhilration at finishing several graphic contracts, a clear vision and strength was sneekily replaced with a subtle feeling of depression (and I don't usually suffer from depression except for sudden dramatic swings).
My younger half sister spoke to me on Skype to tell me that our maternal mother's cancer has spread into her spine and most vital organs. Most of the talk was about her wishing to be cremated Hindu style, which is what I helped arrange for her last husband (not my Dad... who was 3 husbands beforehand) when he died of cancer in Mombasa, Kenya. Anyway it all gets quite confusing... so I will try and keep it simple!!!
Anyway... I can't just jump on an aircraft and fly back to the UK again. I spent quite a few bucks flying back when she was last in ICU and helped as much as I could with medical bills in Kenya previous to flying her to the UK and before that I flew to the UK to be with Dad when his wife had 2 aneurisms (spelling!!!). I also helped my older sister in a business that went belly down because she does not have the motivation or business sence to make a promising venture work! Anyway it all adds up to several flights, savings spent ...and quite frankly there comes a time when you have to look after yourself and can't just keep spending what you no longer have.
Before all of the above happening, when my maturnal mother's husband was dying of cancer I maxed my credit cards because they had not taken out medical insurance (and believe me you do not want to be in East Africa without medical insurance and then get ill...its a death wish).
Anyway I digress. There I am on Skype having a conversation with my younger half sister about Hindu cremations and I simply said I remember orgainising my maturnal mother's husband funeral and that it should'nt be that difficult. The next thing the shit hits the fan and she gets mad at me for not understanding how difficult these things are in London and that its not the same as organising the same in down town Kenya. I suddenly became the target for a whole load of abuse, like I was the bad guy. If I was an insensitive, uncaring soul I would accept it but I am a caring person who would give my last shilling to someone in need.
I am only telling you a quarter of the story. There has been a lot of nastiness and hatred acts from my maternal mother and if my Dad knew the half of it he would be furious... only because he loves me and says I only see the good side of people and get 'used' so easily.
My reaction to this (and I'm not just talking about this last week, is to retreat....retreat....retreat. I used to laugh, was a natural a extrovert, full of life, daring...) now when out with friends they say I'm so quiet and withdrawn and they are right. I might do a lot of journalism but I can no longer communicate. I would just love to go climb Mount Kenya or Kilimanjaro, scream with joy from the iced summits full of exhileration and renewed energy as I used to do so often, but I can't do that because during my last climbed I injured my left knee badly and can't walk properly on flat ground. I'm waiting for my medical insurance to arrange a trip to South Africa for key hole surgery ( a simple op but I can't damage my knee with more climbing before the op).
I am sure I sound like the ultimate shit. I am not dying of cancer like my maturnal mother, and this thought goes through my mind every minute of each day. But I am aware of the fact that I ave a right to look after myself right now AND NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT. There has been a lot of grief in my family.. be it Dad's side who brought me up with love, or the other side that I gave a lot more to than anyone else only to get some nasty kicks in the teeth (believe me I could make you all shudder if I talked about it).
There is a lot going on in my life at the moment emotionally. I lost my wonderful step mum who brought me up many years ago but her love and dedication made me what I am. Otherwise I have a remarkably selfish family except for my father, who is still fit (thank God) but is 75ish and I have to regain my 'nitch' before he dies because after he goes I dread to think what things will be like. The true selfishness and money grabbing habits will really shine.
I have often been told by friends here on MWO to talk about what is bothering me when I have written in a drunk, distressed way...yet I've always been unable to talk freely ~ its too complicated. Here in Tanzania (and Kenya, my homeland) everything is about survival and I am the only remaining member of the family to remain here, which I am very proud of..and subsequently I have more balls than most... but tonight I've decided to 'spill the beans' here and talk, even though it will sound very confusing to a lot of you. There's a part of me that is shouting from the rear saying, ' come on shout out loud and get it all off your chest and then fight for yourself again.' I'm just not sure that if I do that once again it'll work out because the circle seems to go round and bring me right back to square one! Believe me there is no self pity here...I'm just full of questions....questions...questions. Is it wrong to just walk away? All of you can only lend a kind ear, I must answer the questions for myself. What I really need is for my step mum to reappear for half an hour and guide me towards sorting my thoughts out. I know that is not possible.... but I wish.
My younger half sister spoke to me on Skype to tell me that our maternal mother's cancer has spread into her spine and most vital organs. Most of the talk was about her wishing to be cremated Hindu style, which is what I helped arrange for her last husband (not my Dad... who was 3 husbands beforehand) when he died of cancer in Mombasa, Kenya. Anyway it all gets quite confusing... so I will try and keep it simple!!!
Anyway... I can't just jump on an aircraft and fly back to the UK again. I spent quite a few bucks flying back when she was last in ICU and helped as much as I could with medical bills in Kenya previous to flying her to the UK and before that I flew to the UK to be with Dad when his wife had 2 aneurisms (spelling!!!). I also helped my older sister in a business that went belly down because she does not have the motivation or business sence to make a promising venture work! Anyway it all adds up to several flights, savings spent ...and quite frankly there comes a time when you have to look after yourself and can't just keep spending what you no longer have.
Before all of the above happening, when my maturnal mother's husband was dying of cancer I maxed my credit cards because they had not taken out medical insurance (and believe me you do not want to be in East Africa without medical insurance and then get ill...its a death wish).
Anyway I digress. There I am on Skype having a conversation with my younger half sister about Hindu cremations and I simply said I remember orgainising my maturnal mother's husband funeral and that it should'nt be that difficult. The next thing the shit hits the fan and she gets mad at me for not understanding how difficult these things are in London and that its not the same as organising the same in down town Kenya. I suddenly became the target for a whole load of abuse, like I was the bad guy. If I was an insensitive, uncaring soul I would accept it but I am a caring person who would give my last shilling to someone in need.
I am only telling you a quarter of the story. There has been a lot of nastiness and hatred acts from my maternal mother and if my Dad knew the half of it he would be furious... only because he loves me and says I only see the good side of people and get 'used' so easily.
My reaction to this (and I'm not just talking about this last week, is to retreat....retreat....retreat. I used to laugh, was a natural a extrovert, full of life, daring...) now when out with friends they say I'm so quiet and withdrawn and they are right. I might do a lot of journalism but I can no longer communicate. I would just love to go climb Mount Kenya or Kilimanjaro, scream with joy from the iced summits full of exhileration and renewed energy as I used to do so often, but I can't do that because during my last climbed I injured my left knee badly and can't walk properly on flat ground. I'm waiting for my medical insurance to arrange a trip to South Africa for key hole surgery ( a simple op but I can't damage my knee with more climbing before the op).
I am sure I sound like the ultimate shit. I am not dying of cancer like my maturnal mother, and this thought goes through my mind every minute of each day. But I am aware of the fact that I ave a right to look after myself right now AND NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT. There has been a lot of grief in my family.. be it Dad's side who brought me up with love, or the other side that I gave a lot more to than anyone else only to get some nasty kicks in the teeth (believe me I could make you all shudder if I talked about it).
There is a lot going on in my life at the moment emotionally. I lost my wonderful step mum who brought me up many years ago but her love and dedication made me what I am. Otherwise I have a remarkably selfish family except for my father, who is still fit (thank God) but is 75ish and I have to regain my 'nitch' before he dies because after he goes I dread to think what things will be like. The true selfishness and money grabbing habits will really shine.
I have often been told by friends here on MWO to talk about what is bothering me when I have written in a drunk, distressed way...yet I've always been unable to talk freely ~ its too complicated. Here in Tanzania (and Kenya, my homeland) everything is about survival and I am the only remaining member of the family to remain here, which I am very proud of..and subsequently I have more balls than most... but tonight I've decided to 'spill the beans' here and talk, even though it will sound very confusing to a lot of you. There's a part of me that is shouting from the rear saying, ' come on shout out loud and get it all off your chest and then fight for yourself again.' I'm just not sure that if I do that once again it'll work out because the circle seems to go round and bring me right back to square one! Believe me there is no self pity here...I'm just full of questions....questions...questions. Is it wrong to just walk away? All of you can only lend a kind ear, I must answer the questions for myself. What I really need is for my step mum to reappear for half an hour and guide me towards sorting my thoughts out. I know that is not possible.... but I wish.
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