first up...best dressed thats how it goes...and here I am...hopefully computer is fixed now..would love to tell you it was a massive techie issue,,,,but actually and I will only say this once so read it good!!it was me..well partly me..the router was playing up..so with a few technical phrases..mostly beginning with f and threats of chucking it thru the window...problem solved..no signal getting to the router despite saying there was..and that was caused by a partial coax lead breakdown.....as for the laptop..ermmmm Id switched the wireless switch off accidentally!
tea n coffee on the go....out doing a bit today early again last day ..tomorrow home jobs.
hiya Lav.....how are you today then?how is the foot now?any easier at all?..hopefully so.what have you been up to then..apart from making your own brews?
Det ..well done you my friend...thats pretty good 7 days on the bounce without even being tempted..next time you want to drink ..just remember it :goodjob:
hiya sl..how are you doing then? all good sounds like you are busy again..not that Im saying that you arent always :H..wow youre missing it all here.....not !!all the independance talk ..now they are talking about if Scotland break away...then the Shetlands and Orkneys are going to split from scotland too....all good fun
ppqp...snow??whats that all about??its not time yet!!suppose the bonus is having a big pot o stew on the go..well heres a brew to go with it...
yo Mr G...howz down under today?all good? sounds like it from your yesterday post..have a bonzer day my friend!
Hiya Sam..hey mate you should know better...dont mess in things you aint got no chance of winning!..and yes it is sad at times..I know ..I have a daughter who I last saw as as a 5 year old when me and her mother split up..I know she has 2 kids that I have never or will ever see..plus the fact that my mother until the day she died blamed me for her grand daughter stopping visiting her ..despite the fact that she knew nothing about it or the circs.sometimes my friend it is better to focus on your own life and enjoy it...
hiya tt...wow ..youll be joining the night crew soon!!how are things..apart from you being tired?trying to work out the bay bridge thingy...ony ref I can find is to the one in Sam Francs disco...so puzzled with that one.
hiya bear ..hows you today then?all good ?
likewise Pauly ..where are ya?
ok dokey folks for da offski noo..have a spiffing day!!
ppqp...
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
?Well,? said the American, ?I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here.?
?That?s amazing!? said the one of the doctors, ?But what happened to the other two??
?Last I saw them,? replied the American, ?the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay.
An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, ?What is that you just served??
The waiter replied, ? Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!?
The American, though momentarily daunted, said, ?What the hell, I?m on vacation! Bring me an order!?
The waiter replied, ?I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!?
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, ?These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!?
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, ?Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins.?
A prisoner at the Edmonton Maximum Security Prison started training a large fly to do tricks. For years, for thousands of hours, he worked with the insect. It learned to walk across a miniature high wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike, balance on a pair of stilts and sing songs from PHANTOM OF THE OPERA.
?When you and I get out of here,? the jailbird said to the fly. ?we?re going to tour the night-spots and make a fortune.?
Finally the day arrived. Fly safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside its matchbox home), the ex-con made his way to a bar to celebrate. At the bar, he brought out his trick fly. On cue, it started moon-walking. ?What about this fly, eh?? he said to the bartender. In one swift motion, the bartender reached for his copy of the local newspaper, rolled it up and squished the fly with a mighty swipe.
?Glad you saw it,? muttered the bartender. ?Damn things are everywhere.?
A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke.
His Mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"
"Uhh, oh yeah, O.K." responded the kid.
So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?"
"Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000."
"That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you going crazy???"
"Don't worry hon," Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!"
Cowboy: Give me three packets of condoms, please. CASHIER: Do you need a paper bag with that, sir? Cowboy: Nah. She ain't THAT ugly.
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you?You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
An overweight blonde went to see her doctor for some advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds.
The blonde followed the doctor?s advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the whole twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.
At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:
?How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."
Men are like bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
An older man, not in the best physical condition, asked the trainer in the gym, "I want to impress a beautiful young girl. Which machine should I use?" The trainer replied, "Use the ATM machine outside!"
A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached recently by a game warden in Central Mississippi as he started to drive his boat away from a lake. The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?" "Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish." "Pet fish?" "Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home." "What a line...you're under arrest." The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment Man. I'll show ya! We do this all the time!" "WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!" The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?" "Well, WHUT?" said the redneck. The warden asked, "When are you going to call them back?" "Call who back?" "The FISH," replied the warden! "Whut fish?" asked the redneck.
tea n coffee on the go....out doing a bit today early again last day ..tomorrow home jobs.
hiya Lav.....how are you today then?how is the foot now?any easier at all?..hopefully so.what have you been up to then..apart from making your own brews?
Det ..well done you my friend...thats pretty good 7 days on the bounce without even being tempted..next time you want to drink ..just remember it :goodjob:
hiya sl..how are you doing then? all good sounds like you are busy again..not that Im saying that you arent always :H..wow youre missing it all here.....not !!all the independance talk ..now they are talking about if Scotland break away...then the Shetlands and Orkneys are going to split from scotland too....all good fun
ppqp...snow??whats that all about??its not time yet!!suppose the bonus is having a big pot o stew on the go..well heres a brew to go with it...
yo Mr G...howz down under today?all good? sounds like it from your yesterday post..have a bonzer day my friend!
Hiya Sam..hey mate you should know better...dont mess in things you aint got no chance of winning!..and yes it is sad at times..I know ..I have a daughter who I last saw as as a 5 year old when me and her mother split up..I know she has 2 kids that I have never or will ever see..plus the fact that my mother until the day she died blamed me for her grand daughter stopping visiting her ..despite the fact that she knew nothing about it or the circs.sometimes my friend it is better to focus on your own life and enjoy it...
hiya tt...wow ..youll be joining the night crew soon!!how are things..apart from you being tired?trying to work out the bay bridge thingy...ony ref I can find is to the one in Sam Francs disco...so puzzled with that one.
hiya bear ..hows you today then?all good ?
likewise Pauly ..where are ya?
ok dokey folks for da offski noo..have a spiffing day!!
ppqp...
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
?Well,? said the American, ?I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here.?
?That?s amazing!? said the one of the doctors, ?But what happened to the other two??
?Last I saw them,? replied the American, ?the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay.
An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, ?What is that you just served??
The waiter replied, ? Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!?
The American, though momentarily daunted, said, ?What the hell, I?m on vacation! Bring me an order!?
The waiter replied, ?I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!?
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, ?These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!?
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, ?Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins.?
A prisoner at the Edmonton Maximum Security Prison started training a large fly to do tricks. For years, for thousands of hours, he worked with the insect. It learned to walk across a miniature high wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike, balance on a pair of stilts and sing songs from PHANTOM OF THE OPERA.
?When you and I get out of here,? the jailbird said to the fly. ?we?re going to tour the night-spots and make a fortune.?
Finally the day arrived. Fly safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside its matchbox home), the ex-con made his way to a bar to celebrate. At the bar, he brought out his trick fly. On cue, it started moon-walking. ?What about this fly, eh?? he said to the bartender. In one swift motion, the bartender reached for his copy of the local newspaper, rolled it up and squished the fly with a mighty swipe.
?Glad you saw it,? muttered the bartender. ?Damn things are everywhere.?
A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke.
His Mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"
"Uhh, oh yeah, O.K." responded the kid.
So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?"
"Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000."
"That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you going crazy???"
"Don't worry hon," Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!"
Cowboy: Give me three packets of condoms, please. CASHIER: Do you need a paper bag with that, sir? Cowboy: Nah. She ain't THAT ugly.
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you?You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
An overweight blonde went to see her doctor for some advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds.
The blonde followed the doctor?s advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the whole twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.
At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:
?How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."
Men are like bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
An older man, not in the best physical condition, asked the trainer in the gym, "I want to impress a beautiful young girl. Which machine should I use?" The trainer replied, "Use the ATM machine outside!"
A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached recently by a game warden in Central Mississippi as he started to drive his boat away from a lake. The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?" "Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish." "Pet fish?" "Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home." "What a line...you're under arrest." The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment Man. I'll show ya! We do this all the time!" "WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!" The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?" "Well, WHUT?" said the redneck. The warden asked, "When are you going to call them back?" "Call who back?" "The FISH," replied the warden! "Whut fish?" asked the redneck.
PPQP
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