I crossed the road without looking yesterday and a Scouser on a bicycle swerved to avoid me and went straight into a lamp post. The poor guy had two broken ribs and a concussion.
On the bright side, I got my bike back.
'You have got yourself a big fat yes!'.
Was the response to my mates question as to whether or not we should turn the X Factor off.
We had a wedding cake ice sculpture at our wedding.
Some idiot put it right next to the radiator.
My wife ended up in floods of tiers.
I was asked by the Magistrate who I wanted as my Probation Officer upon release from prison, and I told him my wife would do.
"Why do you want your wife as your Probation Officer?" he said.
I replied, "She's never let me complete a fcking sentence yet!"
"Do you know what the hardest part of the night is?" asked the taxi driver.
"Is it his shield?" I asked.
I start a new job in Seoul next week,
I thought it was a good Korea move..
Paddy is being interviewed for a job in the Metropolitan Police Department,
"Paddy....you are undercover....it's the middle of the night....your cover is blown and you're being chased by a car full of terrorists at 80 mph.....what should you do?"
"Uhhh......90 mph" said Paddy.
When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?
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