Every now and then I like to learn a new swear word.
So I park in front of my neighbour's driveway.
There is a 60% chance of you not seeing the upcoming lunar eclipse, due to poor weather conditions.
Or if you're me, there's a 100% chance, due to you not giving a flying fck.
I went to bed last night thinking I was Peter Noone from Herman's Hermits.
Woke up this morning feeling fine.
Jeremy Kyle's wife has been having an affair.
It must have been so easy for her, knowing where her husband was at 9:30 am every morning.
I'm going on a blind date tonight and I've got those nagging questions going round my head.
Is she going to find me attractive?
Will we hit it off?
And if all else fails, would she recognise me in a police lineup?
"Dear, I think Junior needs an encyclopedia."
"No. Let him walk to school like I used to!"
Disaster today at the Los Angeles Zoo when the snake pit was accidentally filled in.
Said the Zoo Director, "It's terrible, terrible news, now the snakes don't have a pit to hiss in."
A man with only one finger has nearly reached the top of Everest.
I offered him my help, but ... well, you can imagine his response.
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