I think I should make more effort to keep my kitchen tidy.
By the time I found the salt, the slug had fcked off.
What do you call an Eskimo's home without a toilet?
An Ig
A gypsy walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Excuse me mate,I'm looking for a place to sleep tonight."
The librarian says, "Sorry,as you can see,we're fully booked."
My new girlfriend asked me what my hobbies are. I told her I play a little guitar.
"Ooh," she swooned, "I love a musician."
One minute later, she seemed less impressed when I serenaded her with my ukulele.
I remember my first day at school the teacher looked at me during register and asked, "Are you chewing?"
I said, "No, Chewing is probably one of these foreign kids, my name's David."
When the wife dragged me round her mother's for dinner, I had to be on my best behaviour.
"Wow!" I said, "You and your daughter could be sisters."
Her mum's eyes lit up. "Oh you're so charming! She's nearly thirty years younger than me!"
"I know," I said, "She's aged terribly."
I was initially annoyed when the mother in law asked me to go round and check her smoke alarms, but it wasn't a completely wasted trip.
At least I've now got some spare batteries for the TV remote.
Just seen an advert that said "Text 8468 with your registration plate for £3.50 to check that your car hasn't been lost, scrapped or stolen."
Or, alternatively, look outside your window for free.
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