David Cameron congratulates Tim Peake on being first UK astronaut in over 20 years'
Tim Peake: "You're the reason I fcking left mate."
I was drunk in a duty free shop in an airport when a girl came over and asked if I'd like to try a free sample. I grabbed the bottle, poured myself a shot, knocked it back and said, "Eugh, what was that? It was fucking disgusting!"
"Obsession by Calvin Klein," she replied.
Baby boy is named Uber after his mother gave birth in the back of a cab in Delhi
His older Brother, Rick Shaw, is said to be envious.
"Do you remember what day today is?" asked my wife,
"Of course!" I replied, "...Happy Valenbirthsary!
My doctor said my eyesight is getting worse. So I said his hair looks shit.
Now we're even.
I broke into a bank earlier and was trying to unlock a safe.
Then a police officer pointed a gun at my head and said, "Not so fast, buddy!"
So I tried cracking the safe much slower.
My cousin Cletus is quite fond of mechanically-recovered meat.
Or 'roadkill', as he calls it.
I've just joined a band called Igneous.
We're a rock band.
I got stuck in traffic on my way to work this morning and when I got in my boss yelled 'You should've been here at 8.30'
I said ''Why, what happened at 8.30.'
My wife said she could fit into the dress in the shop window.
I told her if she can fit into the shop window, I'll buy her the dress.
thats all folks........
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