hiya folks.....well the praer group musta worked....no pain this morning...yeehee...so much so its one of them keep touching it to make sure all is well...why do we do that?I was in real pain last night but now thankfully gone..fingers xd...rabbit gone on her jollies to the farm too..plan is pick her up on the sunday ..give her sunday to get used to home again and then collect Jeeves Monday...
well off to Dublin this morning...gettin picked up in 2 hrs...dont know what tinternet connection is like over there ....
big brewz all round ..
hiya det ..why the drink?there must be a reason for it mate..it doesnt just jump into yer hand and down your neck...somewhere in there you made a decision to drink ....its why you chose that as opposed to saying no ...cmon man you know the score ..you know you are gonna feel crap afterwards...:hug:
hiya Lav ..hows you then?big brew time...high temps? if you need some frost or wind just shout theres spare here!!
hiya pauly how are you today then?all good I hope...
hey ns hows you ?you getting ready for travelling again?talking about not drinking ..the dentist said yesterday ..I shouldnt drink for 2 weeks..in amongst all the pain it was nice to just think ..not applicable...
hey sam ..how did you get on with the calf selling?success I hope...that was a good analogy you put up about the drink...not so sure about the divorce tho...had one of them ...and it cost me a few bob!!!!
hiya pie ..how are you today then?all good I hope...must be honest me and my brother never had the best of relationships ..till my mum died, and then when I was poorly...but since then ..get on great..and whats more interesting is the older we get ..the similar we seem to be getting in nature etc...or mebbe we always were ..but went our own ways and didnt see it...
hiya sf,ppqp ,and kuya sounds like the 3 musketeers! hope you are ok too...well folks time for the off...have a good one...
“Now hiring,” read the classified ad. “Cemetery superintendent. The ideal candidate must be able to supervise in a fast-paced environment.”
This Classified ad Speaks Volumes:
“Wanted to buy: playpen, cradle, high chair; also two single beds.”
Matthew Cole, Plant City, Florida
Just because the items in these classified ads are free doesn’t mean they’re worth it:
• Free: Piano with matching bench seat, very good condition, all keys work probably
Source: Gettysburg Area Merchandiser
• Free: 5 kitchen drawers, all matching naughty pine fronts
Source: Topeka Capital-Journal
• Free Vain Screening
Source: Boston Globe
• Free rent in exchange for elderly woman
Submitted by James Hutchinson, Carroll Valley, Pennsylvania; Faith Adams, Topeka, Kansas; Annetta Boisselle, Melrose, Massachusetts
Customer Service Jokes, Funny Headlines, Funny Stories
Bad Typos in Real Newspapers
We all make mistakes. Some are just more public than others, like these real newspaper typos:
“Here the bridal couple stood, facing the floral setting, and exchanged cows.” Modesto News-Herald (California)
“It took many rabbits many years to write the Talmud.” Holland Evening Sentinel (Michigan)
“Mrs. ____ fell down stairs at her home this morning, breaking her myhodudududududududosy, and suffered painful injuries.” Ohio paper
“A headline in an item in the Feb. 15th edition incorrectly stated ‘Stolen Groceries.’ It should have read: ‘Homicide.’” Enquirer-Bulletin
From Just My Typo, by Drummond Moir (Three Rivers Press)
Think the comments on Internet posts are tough? See what happened when the Washington Post asked its readers to write intentionally angry letters to actual headlines:
Headline: 20,000 Pound Pavement to Help Homeless
Response: “Are you people idiots? What the homeless need are homes, not ten tons of additional pavement!”
Headline: Maryland Agrees to Tobacco Settlement
Response: “Well, that’s all we need—an entire settlement of people devoted to their cancer sticks. What’s next, a drunk-driving commune?”
Headline: C.C. United Se Une Hoy a Campana Solidaria Pro Centroamerica
Response: “I was disgusted with the sloppy spelling for [this] article. There were so many typos, I couldn’t understand a word.”
From gcfl.net
•Firefighters Use Jaws of Life to Free High School Girl from Locker
•FDA Approves Third Silicone-Gel Breast Implant
•Missing Woman Unwittingly Joins Search Party Looking for Herself
•Woman’s “Stomach Bug” Actually Baby
Sources: Ottawa Citizen (Canada), ctpost.com, Associated Press, Toronto Sun
A headline in my local newspaper: “Appleton Airport May Soon Be Known as Appleton Airport.”
Allison Nastoff, Brookfield, Wisconsin
Journalists and editors on deadline make the occasional error. Some are funnier than others:
• NBC reported that American students rank internationally at: “26th math, 21th science, 17th reading.”
• Britain’s Sky News showed the importance of punctuation: “Top stories: World leaders at Mandela tribute, Obama–Castro handshake and same-sex marriage date set.”
• A retraction from Wired: “A previous version of this story incorrectly quoted Dropbox cofounder Drew Houston saying ‘anyone with nipples’ instead of ‘anyone with a pulse.’”
Sources: jonathanturley.org, Washington Times, poynter.org
…
First Microbes Breathed Sulfur Before It Was Cool
Washington Post
…
Stolen Prosthetic Arm Discovered in a Secondhand Shop
Daily Echo, England
Marshall County Sheriff’s Candidate Disputes Report of Own Death
WAFF (Huntsville, Alabama
City Unsure Why the Sewer Smells —The Herald-Palladium (St. Joseph, Michigan)
Case of Innocent Man Freed After Spending 18 Years in Prison Proves Texas System Works —Lubbock Avalanche-Journal (Texas)
British Left Waffles on Falklands —The Guardian
At Last Singer Etta James Dies —dailymail.co.uk
• County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds (Register-Guard, Eugene, Oregon)
• 4-H Training Scheduled for Shooting Instructors (Pine City Pioneer, Minnesota)
• Study Shows Frequent Sex Enhances Pregnancy Chances (Winchester Star, Virginia)
• Police: DUI Charge for Woman Celebrating End of Earlier DUI Suspension (Chicago Tribune)
• Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons (Tulsa World, Oklahoma)
A counterfeiter drives to a small town, enters a store, and hands the rube behind the counter an $18 bill. “Mind making change?” he asks.
“Sure,” says the clerk. “Ya want two nines or three sixes?”
Headline from the Times Herald-Record (Newburgh, New York): West Point Cadets Train for Life in Iraq with Weekend in N.J.
Funny Headlines, Military Jokes
Woman with Arms Held
—Source: Times of India
Funny Headlines
Wisconsin Woman Takes Husband to Police for “Talking Stupidly”
—Source: La Crosse (Wisconsin) Tribune
A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”
One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”
The man yells, “Today’s the day!”
My mother was rushed to the hospital following a serious tumble. There the staff placed a band around her wrist with large letters warning: Fall Risk.
Unimpressed, Mom said to me, “I’ll have them know I’m a winter, spring, and summer risk too.”
My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.
Colonoscopies are important medical procedures that have saved lives. And yet they’re as popular as, well, a colonoscopy. Here are comments purportedly made by patients to physicians during their procedures.
“Now I know how a Muppet feels!”
“Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?”
“Any sign of the trapped miners, chief?”
My teenage patient’s mother was concerned. “He must have a temperature,” she said. “He hasn’t taken our motorcycle out all day.”
“Let me ask you,” I said. “Do you have a thermometer?”
“No,” she said. “A Kawasaki.”
When I stepped on the scale at my doctor’s office, I was surprised to see that I weighed 144 pounds.
“Why don’t you just take off that last four?” I joked to the nurse’s aide as she made a notation on my chart.
A few moments later, my doctor came in and flipped through the chart.
“I see you’ve lost weight,” he said. “You’re down to 14 pounds.”
Three guys are fishing when an angel appears.
The first guy says, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Can you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief.
The second guy points to his thick glasses and begs for a cure for his poor eyesight. When the angel tosses the lenses into the lake, the man gains 20/20 vision.
As the angel turns to the third fellow, he instantly recoils and screams, “Don’t touch me! I’m on disability!”
well off to Dublin this morning...gettin picked up in 2 hrs...dont know what tinternet connection is like over there ....
big brewz all round ..
hiya det ..why the drink?there must be a reason for it mate..it doesnt just jump into yer hand and down your neck...somewhere in there you made a decision to drink ....its why you chose that as opposed to saying no ...cmon man you know the score ..you know you are gonna feel crap afterwards...:hug:
hiya Lav ..hows you then?big brew time...high temps? if you need some frost or wind just shout theres spare here!!
hiya pauly how are you today then?all good I hope...
hey ns hows you ?you getting ready for travelling again?talking about not drinking ..the dentist said yesterday ..I shouldnt drink for 2 weeks..in amongst all the pain it was nice to just think ..not applicable...
hey sam ..how did you get on with the calf selling?success I hope...that was a good analogy you put up about the drink...not so sure about the divorce tho...had one of them ...and it cost me a few bob!!!!
hiya pie ..how are you today then?all good I hope...must be honest me and my brother never had the best of relationships ..till my mum died, and then when I was poorly...but since then ..get on great..and whats more interesting is the older we get ..the similar we seem to be getting in nature etc...or mebbe we always were ..but went our own ways and didnt see it...
hiya sf,ppqp ,and kuya sounds like the 3 musketeers! hope you are ok too...well folks time for the off...have a good one...
“Now hiring,” read the classified ad. “Cemetery superintendent. The ideal candidate must be able to supervise in a fast-paced environment.”
This Classified ad Speaks Volumes:
“Wanted to buy: playpen, cradle, high chair; also two single beds.”
Matthew Cole, Plant City, Florida
Just because the items in these classified ads are free doesn’t mean they’re worth it:
• Free: Piano with matching bench seat, very good condition, all keys work probably
Source: Gettysburg Area Merchandiser
• Free: 5 kitchen drawers, all matching naughty pine fronts
Source: Topeka Capital-Journal
• Free Vain Screening
Source: Boston Globe
• Free rent in exchange for elderly woman
Submitted by James Hutchinson, Carroll Valley, Pennsylvania; Faith Adams, Topeka, Kansas; Annetta Boisselle, Melrose, Massachusetts
Customer Service Jokes, Funny Headlines, Funny Stories
Bad Typos in Real Newspapers
We all make mistakes. Some are just more public than others, like these real newspaper typos:
“Here the bridal couple stood, facing the floral setting, and exchanged cows.” Modesto News-Herald (California)
“It took many rabbits many years to write the Talmud.” Holland Evening Sentinel (Michigan)
“Mrs. ____ fell down stairs at her home this morning, breaking her myhodudududududududosy, and suffered painful injuries.” Ohio paper
“A headline in an item in the Feb. 15th edition incorrectly stated ‘Stolen Groceries.’ It should have read: ‘Homicide.’” Enquirer-Bulletin
From Just My Typo, by Drummond Moir (Three Rivers Press)
Think the comments on Internet posts are tough? See what happened when the Washington Post asked its readers to write intentionally angry letters to actual headlines:
Headline: 20,000 Pound Pavement to Help Homeless
Response: “Are you people idiots? What the homeless need are homes, not ten tons of additional pavement!”
Headline: Maryland Agrees to Tobacco Settlement
Response: “Well, that’s all we need—an entire settlement of people devoted to their cancer sticks. What’s next, a drunk-driving commune?”
Headline: C.C. United Se Une Hoy a Campana Solidaria Pro Centroamerica
Response: “I was disgusted with the sloppy spelling for [this] article. There were so many typos, I couldn’t understand a word.”
From gcfl.net
•Firefighters Use Jaws of Life to Free High School Girl from Locker
•FDA Approves Third Silicone-Gel Breast Implant
•Missing Woman Unwittingly Joins Search Party Looking for Herself
•Woman’s “Stomach Bug” Actually Baby
Sources: Ottawa Citizen (Canada), ctpost.com, Associated Press, Toronto Sun
A headline in my local newspaper: “Appleton Airport May Soon Be Known as Appleton Airport.”
Allison Nastoff, Brookfield, Wisconsin
Journalists and editors on deadline make the occasional error. Some are funnier than others:
• NBC reported that American students rank internationally at: “26th math, 21th science, 17th reading.”
• Britain’s Sky News showed the importance of punctuation: “Top stories: World leaders at Mandela tribute, Obama–Castro handshake and same-sex marriage date set.”
• A retraction from Wired: “A previous version of this story incorrectly quoted Dropbox cofounder Drew Houston saying ‘anyone with nipples’ instead of ‘anyone with a pulse.’”
Sources: jonathanturley.org, Washington Times, poynter.org
…
First Microbes Breathed Sulfur Before It Was Cool
Washington Post
…
Stolen Prosthetic Arm Discovered in a Secondhand Shop
Daily Echo, England
Marshall County Sheriff’s Candidate Disputes Report of Own Death
WAFF (Huntsville, Alabama
City Unsure Why the Sewer Smells —The Herald-Palladium (St. Joseph, Michigan)
Case of Innocent Man Freed After Spending 18 Years in Prison Proves Texas System Works —Lubbock Avalanche-Journal (Texas)
British Left Waffles on Falklands —The Guardian
At Last Singer Etta James Dies —dailymail.co.uk
• County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds (Register-Guard, Eugene, Oregon)
• 4-H Training Scheduled for Shooting Instructors (Pine City Pioneer, Minnesota)
• Study Shows Frequent Sex Enhances Pregnancy Chances (Winchester Star, Virginia)
• Police: DUI Charge for Woman Celebrating End of Earlier DUI Suspension (Chicago Tribune)
• Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons (Tulsa World, Oklahoma)
A counterfeiter drives to a small town, enters a store, and hands the rube behind the counter an $18 bill. “Mind making change?” he asks.
“Sure,” says the clerk. “Ya want two nines or three sixes?”
Headline from the Times Herald-Record (Newburgh, New York): West Point Cadets Train for Life in Iraq with Weekend in N.J.
Funny Headlines, Military Jokes
Woman with Arms Held
—Source: Times of India
Funny Headlines
Wisconsin Woman Takes Husband to Police for “Talking Stupidly”
—Source: La Crosse (Wisconsin) Tribune
A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”
One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”
The man yells, “Today’s the day!”
My mother was rushed to the hospital following a serious tumble. There the staff placed a band around her wrist with large letters warning: Fall Risk.
Unimpressed, Mom said to me, “I’ll have them know I’m a winter, spring, and summer risk too.”
My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.
Colonoscopies are important medical procedures that have saved lives. And yet they’re as popular as, well, a colonoscopy. Here are comments purportedly made by patients to physicians during their procedures.
“Now I know how a Muppet feels!”
“Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?”
“Any sign of the trapped miners, chief?”
My teenage patient’s mother was concerned. “He must have a temperature,” she said. “He hasn’t taken our motorcycle out all day.”
“Let me ask you,” I said. “Do you have a thermometer?”
“No,” she said. “A Kawasaki.”
When I stepped on the scale at my doctor’s office, I was surprised to see that I weighed 144 pounds.
“Why don’t you just take off that last four?” I joked to the nurse’s aide as she made a notation on my chart.
A few moments later, my doctor came in and flipped through the chart.
“I see you’ve lost weight,” he said. “You’re down to 14 pounds.”
Three guys are fishing when an angel appears.
The first guy says, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Can you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief.
The second guy points to his thick glasses and begs for a cure for his poor eyesight. When the angel tosses the lenses into the lake, the man gains 20/20 vision.
As the angel turns to the third fellow, he instantly recoils and screams, “Don’t touch me! I’m on disability!”
Sam,I'm trying to look at this life in a positive light from now on,stop dwelling on the negative shit all the time,Lavs been trying to drill that into my thick head for awhile now,Sunflower, what a great post,yep "Pet Cemetery" pretty much sums it up,uglier,scarier and less intelligence, oh the fantasy of a fun night of drinking,the reality of sitting in jammy bottoms in the middle of the day,on the couch crying totally ALONE is the damn reality!so miserable, off to get ready,much love to all,have a great Tuesday
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