I crossed the road, walked into a bar, and changed a lightbulb.
Then I realized that my life was a joke...
A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs.
The female cashier says: "You must be single."
The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?"
Cashier: "Because you're ugly."
They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group.
I suspected it was Dave, so i killed him before he could cause any harm.
A man walks into a library and asks, "Do you have any books on poor eyesight?"
"No, we don't," replies the barman.
I was watching the New Avengers Assemble movie when my wife asked, "What superpower would you have if you could have any?"
"Invisibility," I replied.
"I'm intrigued," she went on. "What would you do if you were invisible?"
"Sit here and watch the TV in peace," I replied.
Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.
If you're using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady...
That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.
What do we want?
Race car noises!
When do we want them?
Neeeeeeoooooowwwwwwwwwwwww
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