Emotions and adjusting to being a Tee-Totaller

[ScoobyDoo]

A bit of a background here; I am part of a very close knit family (family of origin ie My mum, dad and siblings). We all support each other in whatever we each choose and we really *get* each other. I will receive 100% support from my family, which is something I don't take for granted - I'm really lucky to have such a beautiful family.

I have told me sisters about my decision and I made a conscious decision to just tell them as it comes out in time - instead of making a call specifically to let them know. Dad called this afternoon and I told him about my decision. He said I sounded... "Breezy" and I thought of our Breez here and laughed and told him I felt breezy.

I told him about my blackouts and he agrees that is a really bad sign. Mum and dad know my internal struggles and my questioning of whether I have a problem with alcohol, I've had over the past 5 years or so.

So I was telling my dad about it and exlained that it doesn't need to be a big issue but that it is obviously quite a life and social altering adjustment. When we have family dinners, there is always alcohol involved and dad and I particularly have enjoyed pushing the envelope (eg sharing a few bottles of red together and alaysing the meaning of life or just having a really funny time etc). Then out of the blue I burst into tears and couldn't stop crying for about half an hour after getting off the phone! I ended up with a massive headache and went to bed for a few hours and crashed.

I think I am dealing with some grief here! I mean I am really happy but I also know this is a massive adjustment and shift and I'm not sure of how this tee-totalling lifestyle will affect me and my social structures etc seeing as I have previously placed alcohol on such a high position of importance on my agenda. Can anyone relate to what I am saying?

I know this is not going to kill me, and it's just a shift and something that I will adjust to in time. The grief just kind of came out of the blue and I was not expecting it.

I suppose just need to remind myself of our slogan here, keeping it simple and take each day as it comes.

Scoobs

[YoungAtHeart]

Emotions and adjusting to being a Tee-Totaller

I understand completely, Scoobs. My family aren't big drinkers, but many of my current friends drink, and even though they are perfectly willing not to drink around me, it is going to be such a big adjustment.

It sometimes FEELS like you are giving up a dear friend, even though you are really giving up a poison.

Keep on keeping on, honey.

Lots of love,
Kathy:h

[ScoobyDoo]

Emotions and adjusting to being a Tee-Totaller

Thank you Kathy. It's just so nice knowing that others understand.

It absolutely is a poison for people like us.

Last week, I passed a bottle shop and all I could see was a shop full of poisons in clever marketing bottles.

Scoobs

[Loved1]

Emotions and adjusting to being a Tee-Totaller

I had a therapist tell me that once, that giving up alcohol is a true grieving process like losina loved one, it will take time just like a death will.
To others that might sound ridiculous, but to us, its all too true.

Good luck and best wishes to you.

[InnerStrength]

Emotions and adjusting to being a Tee-Totaller

Absolutely Scoobs. I have heard many people compare it to losing a best friend. Sounds sad but its very true. Many of us have used it as a source of entertainment, a social and emotional 'crutch', a way to numb our feelings, and just a way to have fun (though many times, it hasn't been fun at all, has it?) - your feelings are perfectly 100% normal.
Love Jen

[buckledown]

Emotions and adjusting to being a Tee-Totaller

Hi scoob...i understand only too well...all of our family get togethers involve alcohol as weel....and my relationship with my mom and dad both are linked with wine.....i have not crossed the bridge you crossed today...i wish i had...i'm sure i will have similar feelings...especially with my dad....there will be some grief...but this is all part of the process and we will all be better and healthier for it....i just know it....i have children and want them to have a real relationship with me...not one based on the fog of alcohol...its not real...I am proud of you and know that you can do this ...we can do this...it seems daunting...but baby steps...like what you did today will set you free....:goodjob: ...keep up the good work....:l Buck

[irishlady]

Emotions and adjusting to being a Tee-Totaller

Yes I can relate to the emotional side of giving up alcohol.. It doesn't really happen now but during the first three or four months I would be happily bowling along feeling fine and pleased with myself then suddenly BANG, out of nowhere these thoughts would enter my head
about never drinking again, and I would focus on times like Christmas, Birthdays and especially holidays, then this great big wave of depression would fix itself on my back and I would just sit and cry and think how unfair it all was and why couldn't I just drink like " normal " people...

After a while I gradually managed to change my way of thinking and now in a way I'm glad to have gone through all this because one of the good things to have come out of it all is the way I have discovered a new me.. I have strength I never even knew about, I look at things in a completely different way, my life has taken more of a spiritual turn and all in all I have never been happier, and it all boils down to the fact that I made one simple choice, the right choice..

Love, Louise xxx

[southernbelle47]

Emotions and adjusting to being a Tee-Totaller

Hey Scoobs,
I do understand that a "part" of your "relationship" with your dad is not going to be there and that IS sad....BUT..........why don't you ask him to think of something "new" that the two of you can share to replace that drinking and bonding time. Something healthy for BOTH of you....does he have any hobbies? Shooting, fishing, art, woodworking, maybe something as simple as a walk around the block or park?

My best memory of my dad was walking down the street for an ice cream cone. Priceless...

:l Nancy

[bear73]

Emotions and adjusting to being a Tee-Totaller

I TOTALLY identify with this.drinking is my social life, has been for years.
All my friends drink, some very, very heavily (1to 2 litres of spirits a day at weekend, plus whatever they drink down the pub).

Part of me is concerned that I won't be able to fit in with old life not drinking/drinking moderately. Mot people in our group aim to get pissed too, not like they're enjoying a few nice glasses of wine.

I'm bored of it, but at the same time don't want to lose my friends, it has turned into the only thing I do. Ok we go to the pub, people's parties,see bands etc etc but that's always the centre of it.

I guess we just have to go through it and come out the other end...

[MDBiker]

Emotions and adjusting to being a Tee-Totaller

Scooby, I discussed this with my wife this weekend. Giving up alcohol is worse than losing your best friend in my case. When I look at it from her position, i put alcohol above everthing in my life. Everything. Things witht he kids, time with her. my job, my parents, my money, even my God. I mean everything. Then to one day say I am no longer going to have any association with the number1 thing in my life it almost sent me into spasms. When I was still drinking I would not admit this. I did not want to admit that I was so attached to alcohol that it was the number 1 thing in my life. I drank steady and hard for 25 years, longer than a lot of marriages last.

Giving up alcohol for good is a MAJOR decision and not an easy one to keep. I wish you the best, and I hope I am able to be a good example for people who are now in the condition I was in. There is life after drunk.

Bear

[Popeye]

Emotions and adjusting to being a Tee-Totaller

Hi Scoobs,

It's like giving up a part of yourself, a part that you've known for a long time.
Your brain's telling you that you like it and you're going to miss it.
It's in the process of rewiring itself and it doesn't know any better yet.
We sometimes feel abnormal and unsociable if we don't drink, but I'm finding slowly that feeling passes too.
I hope I made some sense there.

Take care.

[Breez]

Emotions and adjusting to being a Tee-Totaller

Hi Scoobs-

I feel for you.

For me it was a time to end "that" chapter in my life. A chapter where all I knew was having alcohol in the equation. Alcohol to celebrate, alcohol for socializing, alcohol for boredom-geez alcohol just because.

Now I've opened a new chapter-what it holds I don't know. But I do know that I'm loving the fact that I can live life without alcohol. Each day brings on new experiences. Do I miss the old ones-of course. Alcohol was not always my enemy. But unfortunately this new chapter in my life no longer needs it. It's time to move on. Just as everything in our lives mature so did my relationship with alcohol. It no longer fits into my life. In order for me to further evolve I had to let go. I continue growing. If alcohol was still in my life, I couldn't.

Cherish the happy memories because they can't be taken away. Make new memories because they can't be taken away either. It comes down to developing a new mindset. It's ok to be sad-it was a huge part of your past, of who you were. But now it's a new chapter to see a new you-one without alcohol-who can do anything she sets her mind to. A new person to make new memories.

It's like saying good-bye to an old love. It was fun, it was an affair to remember but there were more bad times than good at the end. The relationship had to be severed. And everytime I went back to my old love I got hurt. Things did not change. My old love did not change-it was still bad for me. I needed to move on. I miss it but it was a relationship that could not go on.

[eyesontheprize]

Emotions and adjusting to being a Tee-Totaller

Loss and grieving

Thanks for raising this. I couldn't understand why I was feeling sadness (more than needing a drink... so far!), so thank you Loved1 for passing on what the therapist said, I now don't feel so insane at realising that I am actually mourning the loss of drinking in my life. (despite the fact it's the worst problem I have!). I KNOW my friends and colleagues will be fine with me not drinking, I've seen other people do it with no problem. The real hurdle is having to let go of something that has been a huge part of my life for 35 years. Good grief. Quite mad really. Aren't human beings complicated! THANK YOU. Good luck everyone. :h

[eyesontheprize]

Emotions and adjusting to being a Tee-Totaller

Brilliant Breez, thank you! xx

[ScoobyDoo]

Emotions and adjusting to being a Tee-Totaller

My god, you guys are such incredibly insightful souls!

I'm not even quite sure what to say or how to show my gratitude for your comforting words.

My mum and dad dropped over to my place this afternoon, (I think they were checking in to see if I needed some moral support) and we talked briefly about my blackouts etc and how I really have tried but could not just stop at 2 (like mum can). I explained what you suggested here (Thank you Southern Belle) about Dad and I starting a new hobby together that doesn't revolve around alcohol. Dad's excited by the idea and it looks like kayaking is going to be the go (that was quick, hey?!). I'm feeling a LOT better this evening. My poor mum nearly keeled over when I said I sometimes drank 2 bottles of wine in a night... so I guess in the past I have never actually told her quantities of my consumption. (past denial at its finest I guess!)

Mum suggested that we won't have any alcohol at our dinner get togethers indefinitely or until I'm at a point where I can truly handle it, without it being an issue. Kind of like creating new routines without alcohol. I'll have to get used to it at some point but perhaps until I have the first 6 months or so up my sleeve will be a real help.

Breez, you expressed what I have been thinking and feeling about alcohol... but you said it so much better than I could have. Alcohol is an old chapter in my life, and I'm so happy to be evolving without it. I kind of feel like I have finally outgrown those teenage years of binge drinking - that I really should have grown out of YEARS ago, but didn't get around to - and on top of that I can really see I was only getting worse.

Thank you for taking this time... thanks so much to each of you.

Bernie