Re: w.c 3/12
hiya peeps ,bit late for me today... apologies..its pretty cold over here today ...hope everyone is well...anyone want to do a weather trade? some snow andice for a brew and some sunshine...
25158050_1644828002251283_7467283110528473470_n.jpg
Last night i tried sharing a bag of chips with a homeless man who was sat on the curb...
he said sod off and get your own bl@@dy chips.
Knock knock.
Who's there.
Doorbell repair man.
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work
Female response when hit with the chatup line...
"You look really familiar, do I know you from somewhere"?
You reply "I don't know... do you watch alot of porn"?
t's a beautiful, warm, spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo.
She's wearing a cute, loose fitting; almost see through pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.
The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large, hairy gorilla.
Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars,and holding on with one hand (and2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty woman in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow some more.
The husband suggests pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.
"Now try lifting your dress up and flashing your minge" he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy, and now he's doing Flips and has a hard-on like a baseball bat.
Then the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, flings her in with the gorilla, and slams the cage door shut. *"Now tell HIM you've got a headache"!*
Olympic Games 2012
As you may know, London (Stratford) will be bidding the Olympic Games in 2020 What you may not know, is that many of the famous events which go to make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2020. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below.
OPENING CEREMONY
The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the area, in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.
THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic Games, East London's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.
100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc)
HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.
FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.
SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk bank teller or securicor style wages delivery man. The traditional..22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.
BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.
CYCLING PURSUIT
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.
MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.
SWIMMING EVENTS
All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming even for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve".
THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided.
MEN'S 50km WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London, especially anyone that appears to be mincing ...
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following inevitable pitch invasion by a confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.
Late News:
Apparently Liverpool were set to put in a bid very similar to the above but with the Pentathlon modified to include: Killing a spouse, digging a hole, burying the body, laying a patio and the strangely named 'Calm Down' contest.
To guarantee the entry of any Mancunian athletes at all, Drugs testing has been waived this year.
hiya peeps ,bit late for me today... apologies..its pretty cold over here today ...hope everyone is well...anyone want to do a weather trade? some snow andice for a brew and some sunshine...
25158050_1644828002251283_7467283110528473470_n.jpg
Last night i tried sharing a bag of chips with a homeless man who was sat on the curb...
he said sod off and get your own bl@@dy chips.
Knock knock.
Who's there.
Doorbell repair man.
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work
Female response when hit with the chatup line...
"You look really familiar, do I know you from somewhere"?
You reply "I don't know... do you watch alot of porn"?
t's a beautiful, warm, spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo.
She's wearing a cute, loose fitting; almost see through pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.
The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large, hairy gorilla.
Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars,and holding on with one hand (and2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty woman in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow some more.
The husband suggests pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.
"Now try lifting your dress up and flashing your minge" he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy, and now he's doing Flips and has a hard-on like a baseball bat.
Then the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, flings her in with the gorilla, and slams the cage door shut. *"Now tell HIM you've got a headache"!*
Olympic Games 2012
As you may know, London (Stratford) will be bidding the Olympic Games in 2020 What you may not know, is that many of the famous events which go to make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2020. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below.
OPENING CEREMONY
The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the area, in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.
THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic Games, East London's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.
100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc)
HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.
FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.
SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk bank teller or securicor style wages delivery man. The traditional..22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.
BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.
CYCLING PURSUIT
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.
MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.
SWIMMING EVENTS
All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming even for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve".
THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided.
MEN'S 50km WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London, especially anyone that appears to be mincing ...
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following inevitable pitch invasion by a confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.
Late News:
Apparently Liverpool were set to put in a bid very similar to the above but with the Pentathlon modified to include: Killing a spouse, digging a hole, burying the body, laying a patio and the strangely named 'Calm Down' contest.
To guarantee the entry of any Mancunian athletes at all, Drugs testing has been waived this year.
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