w/c 28th

[porqoui]

Re: w/c 28th

MAE ALL...

Mick...glad to hear Jeeves is better, now it's your turn.

Lav...about the no donkey, I was going to call you a chicken but that's just not right! It's nice to get those reminders it's just too bad he's sick.

Pauly...do you normally have issues with your blood pressure?

TT...how cold is it for you to light the fire?

Cold weather back here as well, it'll be a hibernating weekend with lots of snow. Have a peaceful evening all....:smile:PPQP

[Pie]

Re: w/c 28th

Aww, poor Jeeves, Panda, and Mick ailing. Probably didn't help much to have to make a nighttime run to the Manchester vet, Mick. How are you doing?

Loved your donkey story, Sam! Lav, if you reconsider, I think Patsy would be a fine name.

TT, same question as PQ asked. Isn't it summer there?

Hi Pauly!

Det, I never realized what a burden it was to have so much stuff, until I set a goal to unload it all. Sometimes I'm tempted to buy some decorative item that catches my eye in a store. Then I think to myself, yep that's real pretty, but I don't have to own it to appreciate it. And off I go. Except for today when I bought a turquoise garden hose.

[Mick]

Re: w/c 28th

hiya folks, how are we today then? good I hope ..thanks for yor wishes for the little fella ...he is very timid and shy ,and def knows what its about when I have to give him meds ..I ve seen him eating and going to toilet so looking up.Me? Im keeping busy ...almost finished the loft insulation ....have put the aluminium bubble wrap on the rafters ..it looks like a grow house!!really warm tho...so lets have a brew..

hiya pie...a turquoise garden hose ..jist what the doctor ordered....yes Manchester city centre at night is the bezziest of places to drive ...especially when the sat nav cant get a signal!!!are you ok?

hiya ppqp...again thank you for your wishes......so youve got the bad weather again?we had snow the other night ..it has gone for the moment..

hiya Lav as others ta for your good wishes ..You speaking scottish yet?speaking of which ..Irn Bru a famous soft drink in Scotland have created uproar...they are going to tax food over here on its sugar content.1 can of Irn Bru contains 7.5 spoons of sugar so to beat the tax ..nothing to do with health that will be reduced to 3 ...Already in Scotland people are stockpiling the old stock!!Hows the eldest? I note also .your comment re the large dog....So its not ruled out? brew for you.

hiya tt...thank you ...hope all is well ? Im a fast eater and drinker ...irrespective of what it is..s if its mine get it down your neck before anyone can take it...I did that with booze too ...thankfully done n dusted ...got the fire on ? must be cold.

hiya pauly how are you today then?no way could I sleep with a full belly on purpose ..ok a doze but not an overnight sleep!!how are you doing? hope all is well with da glam gran....hee hee

hiya Sam det nora ...and anyone who I havew missed havent seen etc ..have a great weekend

A New Cure for Worms
A fellow walked into his doctor's office complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor made a physical examination and listened to the symptoms, and concurred with the self-diagnosis.

"I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And bring a banana and a cookie with you." said the doctor.

Despite the seemingly odd request, our hero complied and returned the next day with a banana and a cookie.

The doctor then said, "Okay, now drop your pants and bend over. This is going to hurt a bit."

Although stunned by the turn of events, the patient dropped his pants and bent over. The doctor peeled the banana and with one deft motion rammed it up the guy's ass. While the doctor consulted his watch, our hero danced around the room shouting at the doctor.

"Okay, one minute is up and we have to complete the second part of the treatment if you truly want to get rid of this tapeworm." advised the doctor.

Despite the pain, the patient did want to be cured and so complied with the order to bend over again. Again, the doctor took the cookie and rammed it up the patient's ass.

"Okay, tomorrow I want to see you here at the same time, and bring another banana and a cookie." said the doctor. The now humbled patient, with tears of pain in his eyes, nodded his head.

The next day, the same routine ensued. First the doctor rammed up a banana, waited exactly one minute, then rammed up the cookie. And the next day, and the next day and the next...
Every day up went a banana, waited one minute, then up went the cookie.

After one full week of treatment, the doctor finally said,
"Well, tomorrow is the LAST day of treatment. I want you to bring in a banana and a hammer."

"Not a cookie?" asked the very frightened patient, trying to imagine what a hammer was going to feel like.

"Nope, a hammer." confirmed the doctor.

On the last day, the doctor said, "Okay, you know the routine". So the man dropped his pants and bent over. UP went the banana, and the doctor looked at his watch and picked up the hammer.
One minute passed. Then two minutes. Three. Four minutes passed.

Finally, the worm's little head poked out of the patient's ass.

"WHERE'S MY COOKIE???"

**WHAM**

Distressed Widow from Scotland
When Big Peter McFlannel dies in Glasgow, his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once, so she goes to the newspaper and says "I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband"

The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?"

The old woman replies "£5" to which the man says "You wont get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok".

So the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads "Peter McFlannel, fae Parkheid, deid".

The clerk feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things. The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hands the paper over the counter again.

The clerk then reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale"

A little old Jewish lady sold pretzels on a street corner for twenty-five cents each. Every day a young lawyer would leave his office building at lunch time, and as he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter but never take a pretzel.

This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke. One day, as the lawyer passed the old lady’s stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him.

"Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has gone up to thirty-five cents."

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike, and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, "Preacher, I'll tell you: that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate."

The preacher said, "No sh*t?"

[Samstone]

Re: w/c 28th

fells like Windsday on a Friday. Suppose to get a bit chilly too. off 'veying but gotta feed critters firstly. hope everyone has a moovin groovin time today

[porqoui]

Re: w/c 28th

MAE ALL...

Pi...so did you actually need that garden hose or was the turquoise colour the draw?

Mick...our snow is to start this afternoon and stick around for the weekend.

Sam...never experienced the feel of a Wed on a Fri. Have felt like a Mon on a Wed though!

Shout out to the rest of the gang....:smile:PPQP

[paulywogg]

Re: w/c 28th

Mae everybody,Mick glad the bunnies on the menu,,you sound better too,is Urn Bru a soda? I've heard of it before but not sure,I agree with taxing junk food(I'll still buy it) sodas,alcohol,cigs and other health sabotagers,even though peeps disagree with the government controlling what we do you'll still have the choice just hafta pay more for it,goddamn sleep fairy is a ugly,fat,wart faced,revengeful witch!!!! I've just about given up on sleep,,maybe I'll just get a second job during the night haha,Sam its a Fryday that feels like a Monday to me went to the docs to discuss my lack o sleep yesterday,they drew blood to check vitamin D levels should know back today or Monday,she prescribed melatonin 3 mg,whatever,at least she's not throwing crazy sleeping pills at me,much love to ALL and wishes for an endless supply of coffee AF Day!!

[treetops]

Re: w/c 28th

Hi folks it is summer but temperatures went from 35 degrees to 11 degrees the next day. All in celsius. Our house warms up quickly with the fire on. Its one of those those box things. Electricity is very expensive here. I don't keep the fire going all day except when it's cold. Anything below 15 degrees I consider cold. And I wear lots of layers,!
Today a bit warmer but it's very wet. There has been lots of flooding in the country with a cyclone.

Have a good one folks. Think I will pass on the Irrm Bru. Hope the melatonin helps Pauly. It certainly has made a difference to me.

[Lavande]

Re: w/c 28th

Good evening Abbers,

Very cold here, heading down to 15 F TT!!! I don't think you would like it much!

Mick, my grandson returned for a few hours this afternoon while his dad went searching for a new dryer. The boy is still sick, didn't go tp school because of the fever but he's going to be OK. I hate fevers in kids, ugh! The city of Philadelphia instituted a tax on sodas a few years ago much to everyone's dismay. The money is going right into school programs which they need badly. Sounds like your house project is coming right along. Glad Jeeves continues to improve

PQ, we were supposed to get a little snow last night but it must have taken a wrong turn. That's perfectly OK with me. Hope you don't get too darn much!

I made an interesting dish for dinner - cauliflower baked ziti. Low carb using cauliflower in place of the pasta & I used my dairy free homemade cashew ricotta & parmesan cheeses. I used some ground turkey, the recipe called for beef. It turned out pretty good That's why I love Pinterest!

Hello to Pie & Det & anyone lurking around.
Have a pleasant evening everyone!

Lav

[porqoui]

Re: w/c 28th

Pauly...I don't think Mick's bunnies are on the menu. LOL Would your sleep fairy look something like this? witch.jpg 3mg of Melatonin...isn't Det taking 70? Did you get the blood test results? I didn't know lack of Vitamin D could affect your sleep. Hope you survived your day.

Det...been a couple of days since you checked in. Hope everything's ok and you've just been busy.

TT...wow, you're getting the 20 degree temp swings same as us. 11 degrees in summer is damn cold! We used to have a wood burning square stove with a window. Came in handy during power outs. Hope you're not affected by the flooding.

Lav...it's been -1F with a windchill to -16F all day. Absolutely miserable out there. Snow didn't arrive yesterday but supposed to hit this evening and carry on all day Saturday. I'm going to have visit Pinterest again soon. When I first signed up I got inundated with emails so unsubscribed.

Shout out to Pi and Sam and anyone lurking. Time to get dinner started....:smile:PPQP

[paulywogg]

Re: w/c 28th

Aaah! Stupid spellcheck strikes again PQ,was supposed to be on the mend! How embarrassing,Lav,that sounds really good,I love cauliflower and broccoli both cuz they're so hardy it's almost a meat replacement without feeling like it,waves to all

[porqoui]

Re: w/c 28th

Aaah! Stupid spellcheck strikes again PQ,was supposed to be on the mend! How embarrassing,Lav,that sounds really good,I love cauliflower and broccoli both cuz they're so hardy it's almost a meat replacement without feeling like it,waves to all

:hahaha: And of course we all knew SPELLCHECK STRUCK AGAIN......

[paulywogg]

Re: w/c 28th

Mae everybody,just a quick hello from a tired Pauly that melatonin worked like shite!

[porqoui]

Re: w/c 28th

MAE ALL...

TT...can you send your 11C this way. I'll trade you for the -20C and snowfall warning.

Pauly...coffee, coffee, coffee.

Shout out to everyone, going to put the coffee on so stick around....:smile:PPQP

[Mick]

Re: w/c 28th

afternoon all...how are we ?bit late on here today ..was busy boiling the bunnies..........pauly ha ha ..Jeeves improves all the time ..one of the meds he likes the other uh uh...well almost finished in the loft..originally it was rafters and the tiles.pretty cold...what I have done is filled between the raftersand themal shield over the top of it ...not the prettiest of jobs but wow ..what a difference heat wise.The reason Im doing this ? Ive built a table panelled the back wall and papered it..why because Im in the process of building a train set ..yep thats right ..the same as I had as a kid..only making all the scenery etc ...it will be like the garden ..it will never be complete..


a teatime brew ..here we go..

hope everyone is ok .....

as it was

20180111_152332.jpg

20180203_160208.jpg

it looks like a grow!!! but it is toasty ....

Lav hope grandson is ok?


back tyomorrow peeps ..no metal detecting tomorrow..

Embarrassing Medical Exams


A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her
baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, Lifted the
lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed
that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco


At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA


One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a Wife that
her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he
had died of a "massive internal fart."

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg


During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble
with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the Nurse
told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of
places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped
I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now,
the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA


While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How
long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she
answered.. Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR


I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while
checking up on a woman I asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?"
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used
to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the
woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI


A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with
purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of
tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly
determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled
for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff
noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was
a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was
completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

Submitted by RN no name


AND FINALLY!!!................



As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite
embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams To cover my
embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst
out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and
sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No
doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar
Meyer Wiener".

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer".


Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 PM., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you",

Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times"!

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him"?

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress".

A doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.

"George, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers George.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So,George, how was your day?"

George told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him Asprin."

"Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Alka-seltzer, sir" says George.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus George, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You've gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, and then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said:

"This just ain't gonna be your day, darling"!

A Paddy walking through a field sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.

The Paddy shouts 'Na ol an t-uisce, ta sé lan de chac bo' (Don't drink the water, it's full of cowsh * t.)

The man shouts back 'I'm English, speak English, I don't understand you'.

The Paddy shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in'.

Cruise Ship

DEAR DIARY. DAY ONE
I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my pretty dresses and makeup. I'm really excited.

DEAR DIARY. DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY. DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and atte ntive gentleman.


DEAR DIARY. DAY FOUR
Went to the ship's casino ... did OK ... won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY. DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside . The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't come to his cabin for the night, he would sink the ship. I was appalled.

DEAR DIARY. DAY SIX
I saved 1600 lives today... Twice

[porqoui]

Re: w/c 28th

Mick...I could really use some insulation here! Great job. I love trains and look forward to watching yours grow.