w/c 11th

[paulywogg]

Re: w/c 11th

Break out the shorts and flip flops PQ!

[porqoui]

Re: w/c 11th

Break out the shorts and flip flops PQ!

:welldone: :welldone: :welldone:

[Lavande]

Re: w/c 11th

Monday evening Abbers!

No rain & a half day of sunshine, nice

Mick, that sure is a tiny thimble. Were people really that small back in the day? Ha ha!

Det, glad to see you & I hope you are completely better soon!

Pie, nice on the condo deal, good for you. So how cold is cold in TX?

PQ, wow your weather has some major mood swings in a day's time, LOL
Enjoy the warmth while you have it please!!!!

Pauly, now that we know & understand our addictive personalities better I just don't think it's a good idea to go playing with fire, if you know what I mean.
I doubt that there's any of us who grew up in the 60's & 70's who didn't give it a try but we had choices to make. We both here had jobs that came right out & said we could not be pot smokers & were subject to random drug testing at any time. Both of our kids now have jobs with the same restrictions & are subject to random testing too. It was a fun thing to try while in college but then you have to grow up & face the consequences. Just because some states have made it legal doesn't mean it comes without certain consequences.
Funny, but for the past year or so I've been getting a catalog in the mail that I never asked for - you can order the oil & other stuff right from the catalog. It's pretty ridiculous that some of our old friends are still smoking pot & at the age of 65 - they look like hell. Oh well, their choice.

Hello to Sam, TT, SK & anyone else popping in later.
Have a nice night everyone!

Lav

[Mick]

Re: w/c 11th

good morning all...how are we today then? all good hopefully ...Went out last night ...12 miles from home thats all ..on the way back they closed the motorway complete....it eneded up taking me 1.5 hrs to get home...well no snow today....but really cold ...roll on toozdi.. this is where we are up tto with the trains ..still roughing a layout ...

20180212_123907 (1).jpg

ok brew time

hiya Lav hows you then ? all good I hope.brew for yoo the noo..Yes that thimble is tiny ...why its silver is a question ..Usually you find thimbles in fields ..the reason behind that is children and women used to put them on their fingers as they were threshing corn to protect the ends of their fingers.Not impressed that you get catsalogues about weed etc ..ffs ..all I get islife insurance death insurance ...funeral cost payment plans ..and the offer of a free pen !!oh and the odd will writing service just to spice it up...I get excited when the tax man writes!!!

hiya ppqp ..livin the dream in the big numbers wowee 25 ..I looked at the temp in Delhi this morning ...84.. how are you ?whats happening at work ? seems to have quietened down a lot ..you only wearing the one hat nowadays?

hiya pauly ..how are you today then?hope all is well .you and brad ok ?have a lovely day.

hiya everyone else ...seems like not a lot happening ..hope that means boozing is losing!!

take it easy ...

right folks have a nice day.


This is a transcript between a commuter and the railroad company, regarding services of the latter.

Gentlemen:

I have been riding trains daily for the last twenty-two years and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip.

I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.

Yours truly,

A Commuter



The Reply to the above:

Dear Sir:

We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history.

The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.

Sincerely,

Western Railways




And the Counter-Reply was:

Gentlemen:

I am in receipt of your letter and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history.

If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass...

That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last twenty-two years!

Yours truly,

A Commuter

A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.

'How much do you want for the mower' asked the preacher?

'I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle', said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, 'Will you take my bike in trade for it'?

The little boy asked if he could try it out first and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, 'Mister, you've got yourself a deal'.

The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.

The preacher called the little boy over and said, 'I can't get this mower to start.'

The little boy said, 'That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started'.

The preacher said, I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss'.

The little boy looked at him happily and said, 'You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya'.

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage,"Hello Doctor!! Please come over here for a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work? "

The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic.... .

.
.
.
.
.
.

He said:

"Try to do it when the engine is running".

A woman gives birth to a baby, and after-wards the doctor comes in and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby".

The woman sits up in bed and asks, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong"?

The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite".

The woman says, "A hermaphrodite.... what's that"???

The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the... er... features...of a male and a female".

The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis...AND a brain"!?

All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies'?

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies'?

'I don't have any'. She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you'?

'Ninety-eight'. she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world'?

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation and said:

'I outlived the bitches'.

[paulywogg]

Re: w/c 11th

Mae everybody,layout is looking good Mick like the little old lady joke,that's a way to not have any enemies for sure haha,supposed to rain today but who knows,the weather peeps always lie,much love to all and wishes for a nice AF Tuesday

[porqoui]

Re: w/c 11th

MAE ALL...

Mick...yup only wearing one hat these days and making an effort to let everything not be my responsibility. Ex was arrested Sunday night and have been dealing with my MIL. He was harassing her with phone calls, don't understand why he has access to a phone at midnight!!! Taking her in to the doctor's later this morning and am taking the day off of work. Need some me time!

Shout out to everyone else....:smile:PPQP

[Lavande]

Re: w/c 11th

Good evening Abbers,

Don't be jealous but we just had a whole day above freezing AND the sunshine was out too
Hate to brag but I'm just so darn proud, ha ha!

Mick, you shall be a city planner or something in your next life! Your train setup looks like the beginning of Mick-ville
99% of today's mail went right into the recycler - what's the point of killing all those trees?

Pauly, hello to you!

PQ, I can't even imagine being arrested at this age but calling a parent?? WTF?
I guess your MIL was upset, to say the least. That's a real shame. I hope you enjoy your day off & the MIL is not too bad at the doc.

Not much going on so I'll just wish everyone a peaceful night!

Lav

[paulywogg]

Re: w/c 11th

Happy Valentines Day!

[Lavande]

Re: w/c 11th

Where is everyone today? Out celebrating Valentines day??

Hello Pauly & everyone else who is usually here!
I'll check in a little later & see if anyone else pops by.

Wishing a nice night for all

Lav

[Mick]

Re: w/c 11th

hiya peeps how are you all? good I hope ..its sleeting like mad here..I ve just got back home ..hrlping someone to stud and panel a wall...finished what I set out to do...yay...do its sit on my bum for a couple of minswhilst I have a brew ...anyone else?

hiya pauly how are you today then? hope you are ok...hows the rest of the family doing?are you sleeping any better?hope so...

hiya ppqp first howare you ,and how is your mum? is your ex bailed or ric?..hope its the latter ..the cops shoulda pushed for the second under public protection issues..You look after yourself too....

hiya Lav ...whats your world like today?Im not really bothered about sunshine ...as Igo to India on Tuesday....same not bragging...


morning all ...how are we .....again I posted yesterday ...and agian it never posted!!here is the top bit of the thread ...It just told me I wasnt signed in!!!despite the fact that I had logged in and said remember me..my computer is really slow ...but so is Julies tablet so think its the connection..so apologies for yesterday.

well here we are ...brew time ...

Lav good morning to you ..like the nice new shiny tractor...what a thoughtful hubby ..I got Julie a chocolate rose..Im sure she would have rather had a tractor..so here we go brew time ..

hiya pauly ....hows you then?they were great pics ..did all the cookies get chomped?hows the sleep doing ?

hi ppqp how are you then?hope all is well with you in the one hat..

a big hiya to everyone else..

A young man goes into a restaurant looking for a job.

As a test, the head chef gives him a two eggs and asks him separate the white's and yolk's.

Eager to impress, the young guy throws the 2 eggs in the air, they both hit the light fitting and break in 2, the yolks drop in one dish, the white's in another dish, he quickly opens the rubbish bin lid and catches the shells.

He say's proudly, " There do I get the job"?

The head chef replies, "No, you f#$k about too much".

A Rich Young Man Meets Young, Beautiful Girl
...after drinks he took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was quite well groomed and apparently very intelligent.

Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions of famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.

He asked her if she preferred port or sherry.

She said, "Oh, sherry by all means. To me it is the nectar of the gods, Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the cork is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole body begins to glow. The music of a thousand softly playing violins fills my ears and I am transported with this elixir to the make believe world of magic".

"On the other hand, port makes me fart".

A sex research assistant discovered what appeared to be a mistake on one of the sex survey forms. She telephoned the participants to clarify the apparent error.

She says to the man: "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'two times a week'. Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night'".

"That's right", the man said. "And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off".

'bought a penis enlarger from EBay for $50



B.stards sent me a magnifying glass...

A young man was trying to park his car between two others.

He put it in reverse and bang- right into the car behind him.

He then went forward and bang- right into the car in front.

A young woman watching the maneuvet couldn’t contain herself. “Do you always park by ear” she asked?

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy" he replies.

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet..

"What the hell you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.

"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

A woman is giving a party for her grand daughter and arranged everything, caterer, band, clown, you name it, she got it.

Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for them, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Grateful, they head to the rear of the house and start chopping the wood.

Party guests arrive and all is going well. The children are having a wonderful time, but the clown has not shown up.

Finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. Just then, she happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips and leaps high in the air.

She speaks to the other bum and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $100"!

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. Hey Fred! for $100, would you chop off another toe"?

A man came to visit his grandparents, And he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking Chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea!"

[Mick]

Re: w/c 11th

success ...!!!

[paulywogg]

Re: w/c 11th

Mae everybody,Mick love the old man joke no my sleep seems shittier! Nit quite sure what I'm doing wrong,I've cut back on caffeine,I'm getting in exercise,there's nothing on my mind,I'm just stumped,,,been a thin crowd here lately,hope everyone is ok,much love to all and wishes for a nice AF Thursday!

[Lavande]

Re: w/c 11th

Greetings sleepless friends, ha ha!
I think if this goes on a little longer I just may completely forget what sleep is, oh well.
Warmish & half sunny again today but we are preparing for half a foot of snow Saturday, crazy.

Mick, you found someone to help you with your construction project? Nice!
We are realizing here that it's easier just to go to the Amish guys when we need help with something. This time of year they are willing to work & happy to do so. In the spring & summer they are tied up with their farms, understandable. Most of the so called regular Americans don't bother returning your calls, guess they really don't want the work.
Can't believe you are really going to India, wow!

Pauly, we will all likely live thru this sleepless period. I know it's hard but we do have to accept these changes & just do the best we can do. Did you see that link I sent you via Messenger this morning?

Hello to PQ, Pie, Sam, TT & anyone else in the neighborhood.
Have a peaceful night everyone & remember those poor folks in FL.

Lav

[porqoui]

Re: w/c 11th

MAE ALL...

I've had a rough couple of days, I think the arrest was the straw that broke my back. Can't he just go away somewhere and crawl into a hole! He's out and I don't know and don't care where he is. If the MIL continues to let him stay at her house she can stop calling me. Took 2 days off and basically just sat and read, only way to keep my mind occupied. Got a bit of sleep last night and work was hectic but made the day go by fast. Have a garden meeting tonight, about the last thing I want to do but need to get ready for our AGM next month. Boy I'll sure be glad to turn the corner and welcome spring....:smile:PPQP

[Mick]

Re: w/c 11th

morning all ..how are we today then?all good ..well here it is poets day.not that it makesthe slightest bit of difference to moi..Ive just been trying on some of my clothes for India Ive got 3 sizes >>>>fat git size ...which dont fit but will come in handy in the future, these are ok ...leaves enough room for food ...diet required on return, and finally you havin a laff size ..they look like a tent but will grow into them..

most of mine fall into Category 2..

ok brew time ...

hiya pauly wow ..thats some sleep you aint getting ...wonder what it is ...?yep ...def been a thin crowd on here ...hence my clothes sizing...dunno what tinternet is like in Inja ..I suspect not that clever in places.

hiya Lav hows you oday then ...been playing on the shiny noo kubota yet?Interesting what you say about the local population and work...its in general the same over here ...Im not doing that its too demeaning sorta attitude..and yet everyone moans when foreeign workers come over and do all the tasks that no one will take on?
anyways brew time..

hiyappqp ...hope you are feeling a bit better today...give yourself some chill time..... you deserve it ..heres one for you ...The Maple Leaf Forever........probably one of the most well known toons in Canadia...it was written by Alexander Muir......a Scotsman.

right folks time to go ...have agood one.

In a train compartment, there are three men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.

And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off
their coats.

Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

All three fork over the money. The girl then turns to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"

A bloke stops to visit his mate who has a broken leg.

His friend says, "My feet are cold mate. Can you go and get me my slippers from upstairs please."

The guy goes upstairs, and there are his mate's gorgeous twin 21 year old daughters.

"Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to have sex with you."

The first daughter says, "That's not true."

He says, "I'll prove it."

He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"

His mate yells back, "Of course, both of them."

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

During a shortage of eligible men, a bear, a pig and a rabbit are called up for national service. While waiting for the medical examinations, they all admit they're terrified of being killed.

‘I'm ungainly and pink,’ says the pig, truthfully. ‘The enemy will see me a mile off – so I decided to chop my tail off.

’ The rabbit nods sagely – and the bear realizes the bunny's ears have been removed. ‘I just hope it works,’ says the rabbit.

Mystified, the bear watches as both animals enter the examination room – then return, smiling. ‘We're free to go,’ says the rabbit.

‘They said a rabbit without ears is not a proper rabbit, and a pig without a curly tail is not a proper pig!’

He's about to leave with the pig when the bear pipes up. ‘Hang on a minute!’ he cries. ‘I'm massive and slow – I'd not last a day.’ The other two look at the bear. ‘Well,’ says the rabbit, ‘Your sharp teeth could be useful in combat. You might want them removed …’ Nodding miserably, the bear lies down – and the other animals start kicking his fangs out.

Eventually the dazed bear, blood pouring from his mouth, stumbles through the door. A moment later he returns. ‘Did you get let off?’ says the pig. ‘Yesh,’ splutters the bear. ‘Apparently I'm too fat.’

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin -- in every way."

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together ... an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts.

She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these."

He immediately drops his pants and replies. "Look at this!!! Still in the CRATE!"