W/c 4 march

[Mick]

Re: W/c 4 march

hiyafolks..well it snowed here yesterday...today the sun is out!!been up since 5 ...cleaned the garage oult ,been doing a bit on the train layout ,and now off to the tip..got a banging headache,...rabbits are out playing its brill to see.

ok quick brew then will get a shower and to the tip.

Hiya Lav ...hows you ...I havent seen the vid of the chickens but will def look..Im sure that amy will sort herself out....so lets have a brew shall we..

hiya ppqp...the train set looks mahoosive....will take a pic after..yes I love travelling..think now Im on 45 diff countries Ive been to.hows you now?

hiya tt ....where are you off to and when? is not spring here till about 2 weeks time...ha ....how the car ? getting fixed at lots of kerching noises ..take care

pauly ..yoo hoo how are you?hope not as tired ...take it eazee and have a good day..

right peeps will put some jokes up after xx

[porqoui]

Re: W/c 4 march

MAE ALL...

Mick...you've been busy this morning. So according to google you're headed to the dump? I'm glad to see the end of this week, it's been hectic. Temps heading up all next week so it'll be interesting to see what happens with the melt!

Shout out to all to come....:smile:PPQP

[paulywogg]

Re: W/c 4 march

Mae everybody,Mick glad you're home,sorry about the headache but traveling does take a toll on the body sometimes,all is ok here much love to all and wishes for a happy AF Friday

[Mick]

Re: W/c 4 march

B & Q Job Application

This is allegedly an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B & Q in Tunbridge Wells.

They hired him because he was so funny.....

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

DESIRED SALARY: £150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR

KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.



***Old People Rock!***

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.

They ask,"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

Once upon a time there was a lobster named Larry and a sand crab named Sam who were fantastic musicians on the disco circuit.

They jammed for many years until one night, after a gig and a few beers, they stepped out of a club and were run down and killed by a Mack truck.

Larry the Lobster goes to heaven and Sam the Sand Crab goes to hel_l.

One day Larry says to St. Peter, "I sure miss my old buddy Sam, I hear he has his own disco down there. Do you think I could go visit him and jam some, just one more time?"

St. Peter says, "I think you can have a one time, one-evening pass to hel_l to jam with Sam." Larry is elated and asks St. Peter for an instrument. "All we have in Heaven are harps," he says. Larry the Lobster shrugs and says, "That will just have to do!"

So Larry goes off to hel_l and has a fantastic time. He and Sam jam all night, just like the old days. When he comes back and sees St. Peter, he thanks him profusely for the pass. But St. Peter just looks at Larry funny and asks him, "Aren't you forgetting something?"

Larry thinks for a second, then smacks his forehead and says ...

"I left my harp in Sand Crabs Disco."

A bachelor tried to take a vacation every summer. He was a golf nut and spent two weeks at Hilton Head. Last summer he met a woman out there and fell head over heels in love with her.

On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue their relationship.

They agreed that total honesty was important so there would be "no surprises" later that would destroy their love.

"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now."

Well, if we're being totally honest with each other, here goes," she replied. "I'm a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment.

Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well.

The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.

The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?"

Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

The Christmas Present from the Boyfriend Got Mixed Up in the Shop

A young man called Martin wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's Christmas present.

As they had not been dating for very long, after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister he went to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white gloves.

The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself at the same time.

During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart the panties.

Without checking the contents the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:


Dear Maria,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair that she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little tight on her. She also told me that her pair rubs her ring which helps keep it clean and shiny, in fact she had not needed to wash it since she had begun wearing them. I wish I were there to put them on for you for the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many lips will kiss them during the coming years. I hope that you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love Martin.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a f*cking good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

A Man Goes to his Doctors...
...and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?"

The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?"

He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again.

Still no response, so he moves to five feet. No answer.

Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for supper?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf bastard!"

[Determinator]

Re: W/c 4 march

Ahoy Ho ABerooos!

feeling spiffy after a gloriously good nights sleep

TTops, here's my brain zapper: Omni Stimulator – Most Affordable tDCS Kit

Lav, you found Indian tater salad! very cool....but.....no garlic? oh my.

Mick, thanks for the lovely pics... apparently you did indeed make the changing of the guard on the Pakistani border...very cool.
You have a model train set? groovy. what gauge?

Did I mention that this coming Tue I'm taking a class on the West African djembe drum? it's held at a local yoga school.
this little girl is a rockstar on the thing: awesome Djembe performance!! - YouTube

well, got 'refuge recovery' tonight... will report on my findings.

be well loves

[SKendall]

Re: W/c 4 march

Mick, I was in Human Resources and the funniest application was from a man who posted his size - in 2 positions! I asked him WTH and he said it was important!

[paulywogg]

Re: W/c 4 march

Oh Mick that glove joke is hilarious!

[Lavande]

Re: W/c 4 march

Greetings Abbers!

It was a sunny no-snow day in Lav-land. Melting is right on schedule along with tons of mud appearing, ha ha!

Mick - 'I left my harp in Sand Crabs Disco', LOL
You sound like your busy self, that's a good thing. I think the headaches are a sign of weather changing, I've been getting them too this week. Maybe spring is actually on the way

HI there Pauly & SK

Det, your Omni Stimulator looks like a much safer, milder form of the old ECT which is not used much these days. I imagine you can't do too much damage with a 9 volt battery but be careful anyway. I hope your refuge recovery meeting goes well tonight.
Are you going to post a YouTube video of your Djembe performance? That's pretty cool

Wishing everyone a nice night!

Lav

[Pie]

Re: W/c 4 march

Headaches here too. Happy to chalk it up to changing weather. Heaven knows they're not from wine, but good reminder of all those years when that was the case. Every. Single. Day.

New mattress was initially a disappointment. Bought a foam topper for it though, and now it's heavenly. Maybe the best $150 I ever spent.

Dad's wearing me out with his constant complaints and conspiracy theories. He's being watched, being recorded, being poisoned... I'm ready for him to have a peaceful passing. But I know that will not be how it goes for him. It will be as bad as it gets, and maybe for several more years. I get that death will come to us all, but surely don't see the point of extended suffering and the mental anguish that many seniors experience.

[paulywogg]

Re: W/c 4 march

Mae everybody,Pie,sorry your dad's going through all that how old is he anyways? Is the marriage going ok? Headachey day for me yesterday too,think its allergies though,much love to all have a great AF Saturday

[Mick]

Re: W/c 4 march

hiya all...well Im late ...sent a message to Lav...but Im here foist..had my eye on a scroll saw ..they are about 150 brand new..just got one still in the box never been used for 45 notes ..had to travel to Sheffield tho..still got headache, but doesnt seem as bad.
so lets have a brew..

hiya pauly wolly how are you this fine day?hope all is well with you ...

Pie how are you?Im sorry about your dad and the way it is going,god give you strength to deal with it and I genuinely mean that...I know its hard going at times ,but obviously not as much as you do.

hiya Lav how are you? dont know if you understood my message ..Iwas driving at the time..yes its hands free.one brew for you...

hiya sk ...hows you then? all good too...Yes I can def see that would be a requirement for any job...Ah so you have come about the nuclear physicists job?so tell me ,what is the component parts of a nuclear or hydrogen weapon?what is the ratio of nuclear ppm to the secondary method of ignition...and how bigs your todger...

hiya det hows you then ? all good .? how did your class go?did it help?the railway is getting there....Ill take a pic when it is sorted...Yes the border was fantastic..If you go on you tube ..type in India /Pakistan border closing ceremony .

hiya ppqp...how are you ? hope all is well..what culinary creation are you making today?

right peeps take care and have a good one

Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and says, "We need some four-by-twos".

The clerk replies, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you"?

The guy scratches his head and says, "I'll go check", and goes back to the truck.

He returns and says, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four".

"All right. How long do you need them"?

The guy pauses for a minute and says, "I better go check." After a while, he returns to the office and says, "A long time. We're gonna build a house".

NEWS BREAKING HEALTH WARNING


If you should receive an email from the NHS Direct warning of catching swine flu from eating tinned pork.


Ignore it.


Its just spam

Little Johnny's teacher was giving a lesson in developing logical thinking.

"This is the scene", said the teacher.

"A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.

His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank"?

Little Johnny raised his hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings"?

One Wednesday Martin demanded of his boss, "I must have a pay rise. You should realise there are three other companies after me".

"Really" replied Martin's boss, "And who might these companies be"?

"Southern Electricity, British Gas and British Telecom", answered Martin.

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human Beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.

Little Johnny raises his hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered'.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked little Johnny to describe the incident.

'Well', he began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard'!

'That must've been scary', said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said little Johnny. 'My kitty raised his back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before he could say "Shit", the Rottweiler ate him'!

Idle Thoughts if a Retiree;s Mind

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.


....I had amnesia once -- or twice.


....I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?



...Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.



...All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.



..If the world was a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.



...What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?



...They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.



...Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.



...Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.



...One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.



...My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.



...I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.



...The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.



...If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?



...Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.



...Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

Roy, an undertaker, came home with a black eye.

"What happened to you" asked his wife"?

"I had a terrible day", replies Roy. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection. Anyway, I find the room and, sure enough, there's this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half".

"I see", says his wife. "But how did you get the black eye"?

Roy: "Wrong room".

Tom in deep thoughts is very quiet. Jerry asks, "What is wrong with you, Tom"?

"Please don't ask".

"I'm your best friend. You can talk to me".

"My seven year old son made my secretary pregnant".

"That's not possible".

"No, he did".

"How"?

"He punctured my condoms"!

A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, “You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here”.

The astonished Chinese man replied, “It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese”.

“Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you’re all the same”, replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, “You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship”.

Shocked, Spielberg replies, “It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me”.

The Chinese replies, “Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you’re all the same”.

Two old guys were chatting.....

One said to the other:

"My 75th birthday was yesterday.

The wife gave me a SUV".

Other guy responded:

"Wow, that's amazing!!.....

Imagine, an SUV!!..

What a great gift!"

First guy:

"Yup !!.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they gyrated to their own beat. The woman cocked her ear, “Quick! My husband’s coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!” she cried.

The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door. “What are you doing lying on the bed naked?” he asked.

“Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you,” she replied with a knowing smile.

“Great,” he said, “I’ll just step into the bathroom and I’ll be with you in two shakes.” Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air.

“Who the devil are you!” the husband demanded.

“I’m from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths,” the lover replied.

“But.. but you’ve got no clothes on?” stammered the husband.

The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, “The little bastards!”

[porqoui]

Re: W/c 4 march

MAE ALL...

Det...haven't heard the word "spiffy" for quite some time. LOL How did refuge recovery go?

Lav...it was a sunny no-snow day here yesterday as well. Only problem was the wind shifted from the north and it had a wicked bite to it. Sunny again today and tiemps are on the way up. YAY

Pi...I've heard good things about those foam toppers. Sorry your Dad is wearing you out. My Dad developed a form of dementia before he past but thankfully there was no conspiracy thinking. That's got to be tough. I agree with you, I don't see the point of extended suffering myself. That's exactly where my MIL is. She just wants to pick a date and be gone.

Pauly...my headache was yesterday but I think it had more to do with work overload.

Mick...glad the headache is easing. Good score on the scroll saw. Taking a break from finalizing the online registration so thought I'd pop in. Today's culinary creation is going to be comfort food. Hashbrown casserole to go with some pork chops. It's amazing how much different the hashbrowns taste when I make them as a casserole.

Heading out for a walk to enjoy the change in weather. Will check in again later. Have a Super Saturday all....:smile:PPQP

[Lavande]

Re: W/c 4 march

Evening greetings Abbers,

Mick, I'm sorry I haven't responded to your message yet. I was still trying to wake myself with multiple cups of coffee, ha ha! Then the day just got away from me. Glad you scored a saw at an excellent price, good for you

Pie, I truly know how tiring it is dealing with folks with dementia.
Fortunately there are better medications around now to help deal with the paranoia & confusion. In the old days all these folks were just sedated & restrained
Now, a simple evaluation by a psychiatrist & a RX for an antipsychotic medication does wonders. If at all possible, try to get him in for an eval - works wonders.
Tell me more about your mattress topper. I bought myself a new mattress two years ago & I have been unhappy with it for the past year & a half, geez.

PQ, I guess about 85% of our snow has melted although it's chilly. We are being threatened with another storm next week, boo.
Glad you were about to get out & about.
I decided it was time for a vegan dinner so I made these lentil meatballs - yum
Lentil Meatballs (Vegan, Gluten-Free) - Bing

Headache report = still present but quite mild with increased sneezing & snot, ha ha. I would say weather changes & allergies are responsible.

Hello to Pauly & Det.

I hope everyone has a nice night!

Lav

[Determinator]

Re: W/c 4 march

Happy Sat ABerooooodles!

Mick, I just sold a scroll saw today for 30 bucks. ack! everything must gooooooo!

PPQ, never had hashbrowns in a casserole...hmmm.

Refuge recovery was great. I really 'felt' the meditation session and feel revitalized for sure. Afterwords a couple of us went and saw the
new movie 'black panther' which was big fun. Good to have a culturally diverse superhero flick.

Pie, hang in there.... I'm with Lav on the anti-psych meds. certainly worth a try.

me on youtube playing the djembe? I've never even seen one before.... I doubt the world want to hear me trying to figure it out

well, misa hungry so time to poke around for something spicy and garlic-infused.

Pauly, whatchu up to? You ever get out to Lake Meade?

be well loves