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    w/c 13 may

    morning all ...its 4.45 am just getting ready so thought I would start the fred.......hope we are all ok..off tecting....

    What do you call a girl who sets fire to her credit card statements?
    Bernadette

    I don't know why I just bought some new coconut shampoo...

    I haven't even got any coconuts.

    What do you call someone who points out the obvious?

    Someone who points out the obvious

    BBC News: Man lucky to be alive after being hit by train.

    I think I'm luckier, I've never been hit by a train

    They say, "Crime doesn't pay."

    Well, I work in Cash Converters and apparently it does.

    Fifty Sheds of Grey
    I don't know if any of you have read this book, if you haven’t, the following might give you an idea of what it is all about.




    Fifty Sheds Of Grey

    We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall...
    but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.



    She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
    "I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."
    So I took her to McDonalds.



    She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
    I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.



    Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
    She still manages to get into the shed, though.



    "Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
    "Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
    "Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."



    "I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished."
    So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.



    "Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"
    "Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"



    I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
    Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.



    "Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
    "I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.



    "Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
    "Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."



    "Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
    She nodded.
    "Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.



    "Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
    "Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.



    "Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD


    One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon.

    He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist. "Could you taste this for me, please?"

    The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.

    "Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

    "No, not at all," says the chemist.

    "Oh that's a relief." says Paddy,"The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."
    af since the fourth of July 2012...howzat then America..now proudly marching into year 12

    #2
    Re: w/c 13 may

    Mae everybody,Mick,good luck 'tectin haha on the urine joke! Happy Mother's day to us glorious moms on here PQ,I don't know how to post links but it was in a Conde nasty article on google about the lentils,I just loved the title,Lav,hope you are ok,,,be safe! Went to Ruby Tuesday last night and had a loaded baked potato,a chicken breast smothered in bbq sauce,bacon and cheese+a chocolate cake with ice cream for the road,it was good and im glad hubs took us out,much love to all and wishes for a super BF Sunday!
    I have too much shit to do today and tomorrow to drink:sohappy:

    I'm taking care of the "tomorrow me":thumbsup:
    Drinkin won't help a damn thing! Will only make me sick for DAYS and that ugly, spacey dumb feeling-no thanks!

    Comment


      #3
      Re: w/c 13 may

      MAE ALL...Happy Mom's Day to all who qualify. LOL

      Mick...good luck with the tecting today and thanks for starting the thread this week.

      Pauly...thanks found the link All the Types of Lentils (and What the Hell to Do with Them) | Bon Appetit will check it out after reading Mick's jokes. You have made me really hungry now!

      Lav...So glad the warning has ended. Must have felt like you were in a murder mystery show when all went dark.

      Have a Super Sunday all....:smile:PPQP

      Comment


        #4
        Re: w/c 13 may

        Hi All,

        Couldn't get us a brunch reservation today because of Mother's Day. Hope that all of you who are celebrating, have a good one.

        Sam, You're a shining star! Congratulations on 5!!

        Comment


          #5
          Re: w/c 13 may

          Greetings Abbers!

          No tornado arrived so we are happy! Got tons of rain so the plants are happy, everyone is happy, ha ha!
          Happy Mother's Day to everyone, especially the mothers.

          Mick, hope you had a fruitful day detecting

          Pauly, nice you went out for dinner. That was quite a feast girl

          PQ, hope your day was splendid! I will check out the lentil link too - could be interesting.

          Pie, I'm trying to kick off a few pounds so skipping brunch today was OK with me.

          Sam, saw you checked in last evening. Happy 5 years to you once again

          Wishing everyone a nice night!

          Lav
          AF since 03/26/09
          NF since 05/19/09
          Success comes one day at a time :thumbs:

          Comment


            #6
            Re: w/c 13 may

            evening all
            just started watching Cosmos, the later one after Carl Sagan which I think aired in 2014. I've always been intrigued by our planet and the "beyond". Love the pictures that we see from the unmanned space explorations. Got me to thinking about the small picture inside the bigger one. how and why did booze evolve? a preservation method for a drink? I will be honest, I popped on here to see what was happening and saw AB post about 5 years for me. It had totally slipped my mind and so I realized not drinking is just who I am NOW, but that wasn't the case not so long ago. So now it has me thinking how did this stuff come about. Greeks, Romans, etc had it going then, but when did we begin to take an interest in "the big buzz"?
            not that it really matters, it doesn't change a dern thing, I just get to wondering about things.

            night all,
            Liberated 5/11/2013

            Comment


              #7
              Re: w/c 13 may

              morning all..well vgot the guys here putting in the fences ...they are actually taking the old one out as we speak ...It is an absolutely gorgeous day out there .Ive been told to get out by Julie ..Im one of those pains in the ass ..that doesnt watch people working ,would rather been helping ,so going out for a wee while and will be back after..hope you all have a good day
              af since the fourth of July 2012...howzat then America..now proudly marching into year 12

              Comment


                #8
                Re: w/c 13 may

                Mae everybody,wow Mick that was quick haha,enjoy your day Sam,booze been around since bible times so who knows? Pissed cuz I was hurrying to show hibs a pic of Romeo and his cousin together and dropped my phone face first on the floor! Screen is shattered but it still works,im gonna try to make it last til Sept and then get a new one,ugh,much love to all and wishes for a great BF MondayScreenshot_2018-05-13-18-28-58.jpg
                I have too much shit to do today and tomorrow to drink:sohappy:

                I'm taking care of the "tomorrow me":thumbsup:
                Drinkin won't help a damn thing! Will only make me sick for DAYS and that ugly, spacey dumb feeling-no thanks!

                Comment


                  #9
                  Re: w/c 13 may

                  20180514_132422.jpg

                  20180514_132453.jpg
                  af since the fourth of July 2012...howzat then America..now proudly marching into year 12

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Re: w/c 13 may

                    Originally posted by paulywogg View Post
                    Mae everybody,wow Mick that was quick haha,enjoy your day Sam,booze been around since bible times so who knows? Pissed cuz I was hurrying to show hibs a pic of Romeo and his cousin together and dropped my phone face first on the floor! Screen is shattered but it still works,im gonna try to make it last til Sept and then get a new one,ugh,much love to all and wishes for a great BF Monday[ATTACH=CONFIG]4206[/ATTACH]
                    read somewhere that booze has been around 9000 years.
                    Liberated 5/11/2013

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Re: w/c 13 may

                      MAE ALL...

                      Pi...I think Pauly ate enough for all of us. LOL It's our long weekend this weekend so I'll be ready for brunch.

                      Lav...we had a scorcher today, almost 85F. Had a nice surprise today, fellow gardener not only brought all her seeds she planted up my plot. :yay: Just in time as they're calling for rain on Thur/Fri which will be a relief as it's going to get hot again tomorrow.

                      Sam...if you find out the answer to your question let us know. 9000 years! I'm really curious how it all evolved as well. so I realized not drinking is just who I am NOW Again congrats of 5 years.

                      Mick...what a difference without the fence. I'm surprised you lasted as long as you did indoors. Did they get the fence rebuilt or this a couple of days project? Bet the peskies are wondering what's going on.

                      Pauly...bummer about your phone, hope you can hang on till September. Cute pic of Romeo and his cousin. What's the age difference? They look pretty close in size.

                      Det...hope you can check in soon and let us know how it's going.

                      Been avoiding answering my phone as per trustee instructions but it's starting to take a toll on me. Every time the anxiety rises I remind myself I have a plan. Just wish it would happen soon. Ball's in my court again as they want some historical data about the Lawyer from hell bills. I thought I'd seen the last of those papers so got to dig them all out again. Hope we all have a peaceful evening....:smile:PPQP

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Re: w/c 13 may

                        Greetings Abbers,

                        Mick, I thought YOU were being destructive when I saw your pic this morning, ha ha!
                        I'm happy to step away & let someone else do the work these days

                        Sam, the Romans drank & partied their asses right into non-existence, LOL

                        Pauly, the babies look cute together. There will be trouble in the future with those two, ha ha!

                        PQ, too much heat too soon, ugh!
                        We're expecting to have a whole week of rain & T storms so it's just muggy here.
                        Get that paperwork out it could be a huge help for you!

                        Hello to Det, please check in.

                        Bad news - my son had to have one of his goldens put down today. That's the end of the Insanity Twins, I'm miss him.
                        Also my 86 yr old friends & former neighbors lot their 61 yr old daughter suddenly on Sunday, very sad.
                        Life can be short kids so make the most of every single day!

                        Lav
                        AF since 03/26/09
                        NF since 05/19/09
                        Success comes one day at a time :thumbs:

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Re: w/c 13 may

                          Lav...sorry to hear about one of the insanity twins. And it's just not right outliving your children. :heartbeat:

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Re: w/c 13 may

                            hiya all ..how are e today then?all good ..? It was 31 degees here yesterday...No Im allegedly not doing the fence work ,but to be fair ....the guy thats doing it has got his nephew helping..he is only a lad ,and I saw him struggling so ended up helping him to dig and pull the posts out ...but to all intents and purposes it isnt down to me..I just back fill replant and drop in a ton of 20mm stone after.Let the rabbits out last night ...they were not amused at all they ysually go behind the hutch..not happening ..but I blocked the gaps off and let them out...

                            20180514_192612.jpg

                            hiya Lav...sorry to hear about the goldie ....its a heartbreaker of a call ..when you have to make that decision ...as you say you never know whats round the corner ,it can soon be taken away or changed so enjoy it while you can ,...hence my holidays pattern!!we got some goldfinches perchedthe other day on those sticks I put up to stop the horses bending in and eating..it also makes it a shade harder for foxes ..so the plan is to tidy them up ..and use them as a frame for the birds..

                            hiya ppqp...keep your chin up ..you have a plan ..thats it.... sod the phone .. think the main work is finshed tonight then it needs to set ..so my guess is I will have it back somewhat like by Friday...just looking out of the window now ..today is going to be a scorcher too..well done on the seeds and planting up ..

                            Sam...in the bible it talks about adam and eve ..and the apple ...now was it an apple or had it been made into cider?hows you today then mate?

                            hiya pauly ...aarhg the phone... if its the screen thats cracked its usable ..mine went into an inky mess .when I dropped it....you ok ?

                            big hiya to everyone else ..

                            It was decided to teach sex education in school and the principal chose his favorite teacher's second grade class as a trial. The teacher showed the film, read the material to her students and then asked if anyone had questions.

                            One little boy held up his hand and shyly said, "Teacher, I have a boy dog and he jumps over the fence and wrestles with this girl dog and she has puppies. Is this sex"?

                            The teacher replied, "Yes, that's sex".

                            A little girl raised her hand and asked, "Teacher, I have a girl cat and there's a boy cat that jumps on her out in the yard and they wrestle. Then she has kittens. Is that sex"?

                            The teacher said, "Yes, that's sex".

                            Little Johnny raises his hand and blurted, "Teacher, the other night I saw a movie where three guys wrestled with James Bond. Is that sex"?

                            The teacher shook her head and said, "No, that was not sex"!

                            Little Johnny replied, "Whew! I thought it would take more than three guys to screw James Bond"!

                            A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.

                            The guy makes his three wishes and the genies disappear. The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.

                            Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.

                            Then, there is a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are the two genies. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead.

                            As the genies walk off, one genie says to the other one "Hey, I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But to be well hung is beyond me!"

                            A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.

                            They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.

                            As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, "Gee, she's fat!"

                            The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet.

                            A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her butt is this wide!"

                            The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy. The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.

                            After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line. Just then, her pager began to emit a beep, beep, beep.

                            The little boy yells out, "Run for your life, she's backing up!!

                            Jake is 5 and learning to read.

                            He points at a picture in a zoo book and says, "Look Mama! It's a frickin' Elephant!"

                            Deep breath ... "What did you call it?"

                            "It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!"

                            and so it does ...

                            "A f r i c a n Elephant "

                            For Those Who Love the Philosophy of Hypocrisy and Ambiguity....
                            1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

                            2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

                            3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

                            4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

                            5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

                            6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

                            7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

                            8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

                            9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

                            10. Is there another word for synonym?

                            11. Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all?'

                            12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

                            13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

                            14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

                            15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

                            16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

                            17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

                            18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to start speaking?

                            19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

                            20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

                            21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

                            22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

                            23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

                            24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

                            25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

                            26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

                            27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

                            28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

                            29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'Lisp' to have 'S' in it?

                            30. Why are hemorrhoids called 'hemorrhoids' instead of 'assteroids'?

                            31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

                            32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
                            af since the fourth of July 2012...howzat then America..now proudly marching into year 12

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Re: w/c 13 may

                              morning all
                              crazy storms last night, lost power for about 4 hours. Mick, enjoyed the atheist joke..., it is a very beautiful neck of the woods where you live!

                              I read that the Chinese had rice wine about 9000 years ago, goes with the gunpowder.

                              off and running, be well good friends
                              Liberated 5/11/2013

                              Comment

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