Re: feb 10
hiya all..tis me ...fullbelly.com fed and watered.so here we go ..jokes as promised..
My friend has a rare condition where her face is completely allergic to Max Factor and No.7.
You couldn't make it up
My dog just ignores me when I call him.
Ever since he got that phone he acts like he doesn't need me anymore.
I picked up our son for my first contact visit after the acrimonious custody battle.
"Don't you dare forget," growled my ex-wife. "I want him back here by 7."
Which I thought was very generous. He's only 3 at the moment so that's, what? 4 years?
Pat and Mick decide to go on a pilgrimage to the Vatican in the hope of meeting the Pope.
They get there late at night and pitch their tent on the grounds of the Papal Palace.
In the morning the Pope appears on the balcony and, with an outstretched hand, makes a long downward stroke followed by a sideways stroke.
"Fck me" says Pat.." He's giving us a blessing"
Mick says "let's get closer Pat and hear what he's saying"
As they approach the balcony, the Pope makes the same gesture and says..
"Get the tent down and get off the feckin grass!"
I said to my missus,
"If I ask you what you would like for a Valentines day gift, you'd just say nothing, wouldn't you?"
"Yes, " she replied.
"OK then, " I answered, "you might as well have your present now then. "
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer".
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 PM., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you",
Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times"!
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him"?
Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress".
Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe. While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt.
How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the Blond waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.
"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker contains pepper..."
"Oh," the blond waitress interrupted.
"Sorry about that."
She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them!
A doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.
"George, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".
"Yes, sir!" answers George.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So,George, how was your day?"
George told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him Asprin."
"Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Alka-seltzer, sir" says George.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'"
"Tunderin' lard Jesus George, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."
While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You've gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, and then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said:
"This just ain't gonna be your day, darling"!
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 mllion dollars is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies:"He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger"
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of shopping at the mall. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."
The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."
Part of the curriculum in the schools these days is sex education.
Educators are trying to teach abstinence as a option to the kids.
One teacher was addressing her 7th grade class and said, "In moments of temptation, just ask yourself one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth what could end-up with disease, or worse -- a lifetime of shame and regret?
Now, are there any questions"?
One sweet young thing in the back of the room then raised her hand and asked, "Teacher, how do you make it last for an hour"?
A group of Minnesota friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry"? the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail", the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back"? they inquired.
"A tough call", nodded the hunter. "But I figure no one's going to steal Henry"
I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven"?
"NO"! the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven"?
Again, the answer was, "NO"! By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven"?" I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO"! I was just bursting with pride for them. Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven"?
A six-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE F*CKIN' DEAD"!
Ole, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him in Minnesota for paintings.
One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo.
She asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude.
This was the first time anyone had made this request.
The beautiful lady said money was no object; she was willing to pay $50,000.
Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Ole asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Lena, his missus.
In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, "Ya, shoor, you betcha. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I'll haff ta leave my socks on so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes."
hiya all..tis me ...fullbelly.com fed and watered.so here we go ..jokes as promised..
My friend has a rare condition where her face is completely allergic to Max Factor and No.7.
You couldn't make it up
My dog just ignores me when I call him.
Ever since he got that phone he acts like he doesn't need me anymore.
I picked up our son for my first contact visit after the acrimonious custody battle.
"Don't you dare forget," growled my ex-wife. "I want him back here by 7."
Which I thought was very generous. He's only 3 at the moment so that's, what? 4 years?
Pat and Mick decide to go on a pilgrimage to the Vatican in the hope of meeting the Pope.
They get there late at night and pitch their tent on the grounds of the Papal Palace.
In the morning the Pope appears on the balcony and, with an outstretched hand, makes a long downward stroke followed by a sideways stroke.
"Fck me" says Pat.." He's giving us a blessing"
Mick says "let's get closer Pat and hear what he's saying"
As they approach the balcony, the Pope makes the same gesture and says..
"Get the tent down and get off the feckin grass!"
I said to my missus,
"If I ask you what you would like for a Valentines day gift, you'd just say nothing, wouldn't you?"
"Yes, " she replied.
"OK then, " I answered, "you might as well have your present now then. "
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer".
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 PM., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you",
Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times"!
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him"?
Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress".
Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe. While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt.
How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the Blond waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.
"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker contains pepper..."
"Oh," the blond waitress interrupted.
"Sorry about that."
She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them!
A doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.
"George, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".
"Yes, sir!" answers George.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So,George, how was your day?"
George told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him Asprin."
"Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Alka-seltzer, sir" says George.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'"
"Tunderin' lard Jesus George, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."
While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You've gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, and then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said:
"This just ain't gonna be your day, darling"!
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 mllion dollars is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies:"He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger"
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of shopping at the mall. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."
The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."
Part of the curriculum in the schools these days is sex education.
Educators are trying to teach abstinence as a option to the kids.
One teacher was addressing her 7th grade class and said, "In moments of temptation, just ask yourself one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth what could end-up with disease, or worse -- a lifetime of shame and regret?
Now, are there any questions"?
One sweet young thing in the back of the room then raised her hand and asked, "Teacher, how do you make it last for an hour"?
A group of Minnesota friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry"? the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail", the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back"? they inquired.
"A tough call", nodded the hunter. "But I figure no one's going to steal Henry"
I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven"?
"NO"! the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven"?
Again, the answer was, "NO"! By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven"?" I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO"! I was just bursting with pride for them. Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven"?
A six-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE F*CKIN' DEAD"!
Ole, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him in Minnesota for paintings.
One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo.
She asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude.
This was the first time anyone had made this request.
The beautiful lady said money was no object; she was willing to pay $50,000.
Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Ole asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Lena, his missus.
In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, "Ya, shoor, you betcha. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I'll haff ta leave my socks on so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes."
Apparently there are 2 volcanos in CR & one of them is currently erupting so the flight had to take a bit of a detour. Can't wait to hear what else they get up to? LOL
I am scared sh*tless to go there. Be careful out there, honestly. I send my dog out first to see how she does before I step out, haha! She's not nearly as old as I am. 
lease: What did you have? Did you have desert?
Comment