Re: Jan 19th
Sam ...great pics ...love how you got the bird to sit horizontally !!!
If you don't slow down when you see a police car,
You're probably parked.
I recently had a holiday in Jamaica but wasn't allowed to speak or dance for the whole two weeks.
I didn't have my jiving licence.
After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand...
This procedure also works in Birmingham, parts of Essex, Sunderland, Aberdeen and anywhere in Wales.
A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total silence.
He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised himself.
Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump."
The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded.
There were two horses standing in the fenced field alongside the road and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your
flashlight, and try it again."
Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life.
He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.
When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar.
"Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said.
A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost."
"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.
The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful.
"A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"
The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?"
"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because that black horse don't know shit about cars."
The night before my Grandfather died, my Grandmother smeared grease all over his back…
…he went down hill very quickly after that!
Two chickens chat as they are walking along.
"I think I'm going to cross the road"
"I wouldn't.
You'll never hear the ****ing end of it."
Wife to Norm: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night"?
Norm to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear".
Wife to Norm: "What? At 2 a.m"?!
Norm to wife: "Yes. We used night clubs".
A blonde began a job as a primary school counsellor, and she was most eager to help. One day during break time she noticed this boy standing all by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other. Sandy approached him and asked if he was alright.
The boy said he was.
A little while later, however, she noticed the boy was still in the same spot and still by himself.
Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all by yourself?"
"Because," the little boy said, "I'm the fking goalie!"
A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he
hears:
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image
of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street
toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing
quickly behind him
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes
in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket
clapping
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is
pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find
is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and guess what.....
The coffin stops :thumbsup:
Sam ...great pics ...love how you got the bird to sit horizontally !!!
If you don't slow down when you see a police car,
You're probably parked.
I recently had a holiday in Jamaica but wasn't allowed to speak or dance for the whole two weeks.
I didn't have my jiving licence.
After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand...
This procedure also works in Birmingham, parts of Essex, Sunderland, Aberdeen and anywhere in Wales.
A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total silence.
He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised himself.
Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump."
The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded.
There were two horses standing in the fenced field alongside the road and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your
flashlight, and try it again."
Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life.
He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.
When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar.
"Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said.
A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost."
"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.
The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful.
"A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"
The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?"
"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because that black horse don't know shit about cars."
The night before my Grandfather died, my Grandmother smeared grease all over his back…
…he went down hill very quickly after that!
Two chickens chat as they are walking along.
"I think I'm going to cross the road"
"I wouldn't.
You'll never hear the ****ing end of it."
Wife to Norm: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night"?
Norm to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear".
Wife to Norm: "What? At 2 a.m"?!
Norm to wife: "Yes. We used night clubs".
A blonde began a job as a primary school counsellor, and she was most eager to help. One day during break time she noticed this boy standing all by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other. Sandy approached him and asked if he was alright.
The boy said he was.
A little while later, however, she noticed the boy was still in the same spot and still by himself.
Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all by yourself?"
"Because," the little boy said, "I'm the fking goalie!"
A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he
hears:
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image
of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street
toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing
quickly behind him
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes
in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket
clapping
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is
pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find
is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and guess what.....
The coffin stops :thumbsup:
don't think I could go back tho I'm too Vegasatized, much love to all and hopefully back later if I get thru work and stay awake haha! Have a great BF Wednesday
Comment