Abbers July 12-18 2020

[paulywogg]

Mae everybody, Mick is it powered by steam? Haha! Lav, the humidity is up a little, nothing like yours but enough to feel a bit"blanketed" I can always tell when it's a bit high, you'd figure they'd rush those tests, told the girls it would be cool if they had home ones like pregnancy tests just for fun to check, Mick I make so much small talk my mask moves all around my face! I should shut up a bit it's just some of these people I haven't seen in months so wanna catch up, PQ, I shoulda planted tomatoes, wonder if it's too late? Could just try and see what happens, I need to clear the area tho cuz I got pissed one year when nothing grew and put rocks there instead! Thought it would be a calming rock garden but it just turned into weeds growing through rocks grrr, much love to the gang and wishes for a great BF Sunday Funday!??

[Mick]

Re: Abbers July 12-18 2020

hiya all,howsweedoing?good I hope .been playing in the garden earlier ,making a frame and shelf for planters to sit on .then clearing all the nettles behind the fence in the field .lovely weather out there today,now that would be a laff pauly ...covid test and you find out you are pregnant!mouth feels a lot better ..succesfully just eaten a jammy wagon wheel biscuit....take care everyone have a safe day

"For fcks sake, love. Why are you always tip toeing around that medicine cabinet of yours?" I asked my blonde girlfriend.
"You're silly, you know I keep sleeping pills in there." she whispered

My worst nightmare is actually not a worse "global pandemic" or "climate change," but a bunch of arriving passive-aggressive aliens saying they "come in peace."

Our spineless government would set them up with 30% diversity quotas for little green people, and housing and spawn benefits.

I tell you what, though.

It's bloody difficult walking with your feet two metres apart.

In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella, was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago.

Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh, causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with....

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A Misdewiener!


Dead Penguins
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?


Wonder no more!


It is a known fact that the penguin is a ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.


The penguin is committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.


If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.


The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:


"Freeze a jolly good fellow".
"Freeze a jolly good fellow".
"Freeze a jolly good fellow".


Then they all kick him in the ice hole.

Nineteen Things I Have Learnt


1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.


2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings”.


3. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”


4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.


5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity,
He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.


7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.


8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.


9. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.


10. Never lick a steak knife.


11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.


12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.


13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.


14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.


15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.


16. “The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.


17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.


18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.


19. Your friends love you anyway.

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are living in Florida and are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner"?

The Pharmacist answers, "Yes".

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication"?

Pharmacist: "Of course we do".

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation"?

Pharmacist: "All kinds".

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism"?

Pharmacist: "Definitely".

Jacob: "How about suppositories"?

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's"?

Pharmacist: "Yes. a large variety; the works".

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease"?

Pharmacist: "Absolutely".

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion"?

Pharmacist: "We sure do".

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes"?

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes".

Jacob: "Adult diapers?

Pharmacist: "Sure".

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store for our Bridal Registry".

ennifer a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.

'Hmmm.... let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on!

[porqoui]

Re: Abbers July 12-18 2020

MAE ALL...

Pauly...logged in and kept thinking I was on the wrong thread with "Abbers" title. LOL Don't kid yourself, I saw on some news broadcast that they have produced at home testing kits for covid. Not sure what part of the world that was in and the health professionals are a little leery of it not being done right. I've also seen ads for stick on masks, no strings. You'd be able to yak to your hearts content. You could probably grow tomatoes year round so go for it. You can always just stick a plant in a flower pot, they don't need much dirt. Hope you have a great Sun/Fun day.

Mick...going to need another cuppa to read all those jokes. LOL Nice that your weather is good, not too hot or blowy. Always doing something aren't you, building a shelf for pots. I haven't had a wagon wheel in years! Glad your mouth is feeling better. Was over at the garden earlier and there's flowers on my tomato plants. YAY I think potato plants don't like you messing with their leaves. A nosy, busy body gardener gave me heck for moving a bunch of leaves off the ground. I will wait for my expert gardener partner instructs me.

Shout out to everyone else stopping in today.

Popped out for some dinner fixings, hot chicken sandwiches, before the weather turns. We're under another severe thunderstorm watch at the moment. Have a good Sunday Abbers.....:smile:PPQP

[Lavande]

Re: Abbers July 12-18 2020

Hello everyone,

I have to say I stopped reading at MISDEWEINER Mick :harhar:
Glad to hear you are feeling better & eating wagon wheels, whatever they may be.......
My appetite has been off so I just had another bowl of the vegan soup I made yesterday. This is what this stupid heat does to me, yuck.

Pauly, go somewhere & see if you can find a patio tomato plant. Grow it right in the container & don’t worry about the yard!
A friend gave me an idea today for sewing shopping cart handle wraps to keep your hands germ free. I’m going to make some but have to wait for a velcro delivery. All the velcro I canfind at home is the stick on kind, not the sew on kind.

PQ, I had forgotten but back when we were both smokers we used to accidently wreck the leaves on the tomato plants. If there’s any trace of tobacco on your hands it causes the tomato plant to develop mosaic disease. Maybe it’s the same for potatoes, don’t know. Hope your garden gets a decent watering from the rain. We just may have another storm roll thru here tonight too.

Hello to Pie, Sam, Det & Cyn!
Think I’ll refill the hummingbird feeders before it gets dark
Have a nice night all!

Lav

[paulywogg]

Re: Abbers July 12-18 2020

Mae everybody, ok Mick and PQ now I must know what wagon wheel is? I remember eating mac and cheese shaped wheels, Kells poor dog got overheated yesterday bad! They had to rush her to the 24 hour vet, they say she likely had a seizure and cooled her down and gave her hydration treatment and sent her home with pain meds, I feel so sad today, I just hope she's ok and didn't realize it could hit so fast but maybe cuz she's so little poor thing, much love to all and wishes for a great BF day!

[Mick]

Re: Abbers July 12-18 2020

and today it pours down with rain.....good morning all..hope we are all well today .was playing around in the garden yesterday....this is what I made ....

gdn.jpg

yep a shelf for the planters ..ah but the wind will blow them overI hear you say ...nope says I ..they are battened and screwed down .this is how it looks now ..

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hiya lav how are you then today? ..yep it was a hot day here yesterday we ended up not cooking and just picking ....heres a wagon wheel...chocolate cored biscuit with marshallow and jam ..calorie free ....ish ...

images.jpg

so whats the idea with the handles ?get a patent on it quick!

hiya ppqp ..hows you then?all ok?flowers on the tomato plants?oho and the gardener wasnt too happy with you tumping the spuds?oh well....hows thing with the co-ordinator now?

hiya pauly hows you ? get some bush tomato plants they will be good to grow ...just give them plenty of water ....hows work doing?stay safe thats the main thing

a big shout to everyone else...stay safe

I had to explain to my 9 year old girl today she was adopted. It was probably the hardest thing I've ever done.
Not sure she understood though. She just stood there wagging her tail.

The Belgian government has issued a health warning for any of it’s citizens planning to travel to Leicester.

I assume this is a mental health warning

Getting married before the age of 21 increases the risk of developing a drinking problem, study shows.
Results were very similar to the recent study showing getting married over the age of 21 increases the risk of developing a drinking problem.

[Pie]

Re: Abbers July 12-18 2020

PQ, I’ve finished The Racketeer, and now on to The Guardians. I wonder why none of Grisham’s books have been made into movies lately. His stories and characters are so interesting!

Both the virus and the temps are increasing here in Texas. Feels like 300 degrees outside, though only 110+. Been walking the dog before 9am or after 7 pm to avoid the worst of it.

I had a close encounter of the beer kind last Thursday when a six-pack followed me home from the grocery store. You know how just one isn’t enough? Well six aren’t enough either. Such a waste of time.

Mick, have you started your count down to Chrimbo yet?

Greetings to Pauly, Lav, and the rest of the gang.

[porqoui]

Re: Abbers July 12-18 2020

MAE ALL...

Lav...well, who knew about mosaic disease! Met up with my gardening buddy today and she just poopoo'd the idea of not touching the potato leaves. We proceeded to cut back the ones blocking out the sun for the carrots. LOL She thinks we have had way too much rain for them. They are all top heavy and when we pulled one up the spuds were about the size of cherry tomatoes. Did you end up with another storm last night?

Pauly...I have never had a wagon wheel with jam in it and I never will LOL. Just lots of marshmallows. Sorry to hear about Kell's dog, I hope she's ok. Everybody has to be careful with that heat you guys get.

Mick...nice job on the planter shelf. It fits in really well with the garden layout. Is it high enough the peskies can't jump into it? LOL Just finished a meeting with the prog coord and the on-boarding team of the new software. She didn't have much to say and when asked if everyone is ok and understands she would just reply yes. We shall see when she has to set up her own programs. I can be so nasty at times.

Pi...you just keep repeating that mantra, "six aren’t enough either". I am so glad they don't sell AL in the grocery stores here. It must be so tempting especially in that heat but you know you can't. Keep on the straight and narrow, you'll feel so much better.

Meeting over so I'm going to pop out to get something for dinner, I think maybe some ribs on the BBQ is in order. We're not supposed to have a pop up thunderstorm but you never know around here. Have a great BF Monday all....:smile:PPQP

[Lavande]

Re: Abbers July 12-18 2020

Good evening everyone!

I think I get it - a wagon wheel is kind of like a whoopie pie that the Amish make here
Calorie free of course, hahha!!!

Pauly, sorry to hear about Kell’s dog. I think we need to treat them like children in extreme weather. Lots of water, don;t leave them outside or in cars. Hope she’s going to be OK.

Pie, I just had to walk away from the ABC evening news on TV. They were reporting about the # of Texas Covid cases, so sad. I read earlier today that the Houston Chronicle had 43 pages of obituaries today, that’s horrendous! Please stay home & stay safe. Tell that beer to Fu*k off, you don’t need it, no way!

PQ, I guess you can’t control the amount of rainfall. What’s wrong with you? Haha!!
We’re having a good garden season this year but it’s not always that way. Some years the garden just sucks. We had a quick downpour last night around 11:30, no thunder or anything. Ribs on the BBQ sound nice. I made a big pot of Swedish meatballs so there’s lots leftover, especially good if the grandsons show up unexpectedly.

Hello to Det, Sam & Cyn, hope everyone is OK.

Not much else happening so I’ll wish everyone a nice night!
Lav

[paulywogg]

Re: Abbers July 12-18 2020

Mae everybody, a wagon wheel looks good Mick! My new find is cake in a cup at this Mexican grocery store I sometimes instacart at, it's layers of cake and frosting in a big cup, calories free as well haha, Pie, I was on a hell of a bender this time last year! I only remember cuz fb memories keep popping up, it was such a bad one that my husband was thinking rehab for me, luckily I quit for 8 months after that but when covid shut things down I had beers but then there just wasn't enough to cover my pain, shit just don't work anymore and just make us feel defeated, sad, gross and well we all know the rest, went and seen Miss Dottie yesterday (grandpuppy) and she seems timid and her eye is bright red but she rolled over so I could scratch her belly, I think she'll be ok, I think it just got so hot, so fast and she's a tiny dog so it probably just hit her poor thing, PQ, I need to buy me a wee little BBQ so I can grill myself, hubs has a big one and I usually leave it to him but he always says it's too hot so we go without, if I had a small one I could do it on the patio myself! Much love to you all and wishes for a great BF whateverdayitis! (Yes we're back to it)

[Mick]

Re: Abbers July 12-18 2020

Good afternoon all hope we're all well today ? firstly glad the dogs OK pauly . It is overcast here today, but very very hot methinks storm is on the way cut the grass this morning always look better when it's cut not a lot been happening always stop it happening now about wearing face masks in shops the government will last at beginning of this outbreak whether we should wear them or not, the reply was no they're a waste of time and yet strangely enough on the 24th of this month it is mandatory to wear them in shops and guess what if you don't the onus is not on a shopkeeper but the police with a fine of £100 I don't know where all these imaginary policemen are going to come from I just have enough to do without this crap Ipswich Simply Be No mask no shop end of story and why the 24th of this month? Do we have to give the virus notice?

Got to nip down to Julie's Dad's house so apologies for this being a short post see if I can get the grass cut before the rain starts take care everybody pie you don't need drink you know that you've been there before as you say one isn't enough 6 isn't enough
Stay cool

[Lavande]

Re: Abbers July 12-18 2020

Greetings Abbers,

My younger grandson asked if he could come over so I went & got him. He spent about 7 hours straight eating & playing games online - nice life haha!
He also vacuumed my entire house for $5 to spend in one of his games, go figure!! That was his idea, not mine!

Hello Pauly Mick & everyone. Glad to see you both!
Glad everyone is healthy & staying safe

Hello PQ, Det, Pie & Cyn!

Have a nice night everyone.

Lav

[porqoui]

Re: Abbers July 12-18 2020

MAE ALL...

Pauly...I think your cake in a cup beats a wagon wheel hands down. Gotta love FB eh? Sounds like Miss Dottie is doing better, good to hear. I like the little patio BBQ sounds perfect. Quite often I have 2 little hot dogs on this huge grill. Waste of propane. Hope you had a good day.

Mick...overcast and hot, I can just feel it. Did the storm materialize? I love the look and smell of a freshly mowed lawn. Gives you that accomplished feeling. And of course being you you're going to do it twice. LOL I guess it's going to take them till the 24th to round up all those police officers.

Lav...I'll gladly pay your grandson $5 to vacuum my place. One of my least favorite chores. The weather sure does play a role in your gardening season. Ours is so short that any bad weather pretty much wipes it out. I've learned to stick to root veggies, they're hardier.

Shout out to Det, Sam, Pi and TG. Hope you all are doing ok.

We're all still healthy here but I don't like the fact that cases are going up. I guess it was to be expected as we open up things. I am more cautious these days and stay pretty much at home. Our PM announced the extension of a wage subsidy program till the end of December so that secures my job till at least then. Have a good night all....:smile:PPQP

[Mick]

Re: Abbers July 12-18 2020

what would Britain do without trump whorra guy ...he says ..no oneelse does ..him and Johnson remind me of a film ...dumb and dumber ..trump wears a mask ,so then does Johnson ,then Trump says dont use Huwaei...so then we despite initially allowing them ..we have now decided there is an issue ..

Glad I got the grass cut yesterday..its raining now ...

Oxford university reckon that they could have a vaccine ready by september ...fingers crossed

hiya ppqp...hows you then?all good I hope?no storm just loads of rain,nice warm rain you can tell its still summer!!Card school today?youstay safe ...you might end up with an online card school ...take care

hiya Lav how are you then?with your child labour scheme ...Im sure someone somewhere would complain...hows thepolytunnel doing ?what are you growing now?

hiya pauly ..you ok?

big shout to everyone else..

Lidl will open 25 new stores in the UK this year creating 1,000 jobs.

This will include 7 new checkout operators.

Some nights I lie in bed and wonder to myself

Did they ever find the person who let the dogs out?

Burglars broke into my house last night and said they were searching for money.

So I laughed like fck and searched with them.

"Dad, where did you get this meat from?" Asked my young son.

"A bloke I know." I replied.

"Are you sure it's chicken?" He said.

"Of course I am," I snapped, "just eat it and stop moaning."

"Ok" he sighed, "but I'm struggling, can you help me cut this hoof please."

My Turkish kebab shop got closed down when Environmental Health found a mouse.

Apparently I'd claimed it as "rat" on my ingredients list.

A mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday. "I'd like a little brother", the boy said.

"Oh my, that's such a big wish", said the mother. "Why do you want a little brother"?

"Well", said the boy, "there's only so much I can blame on the dog".


Q: I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in?
A: Cheque books she said.


Q: The easiest way to make your old car run better?
A: Check the prices of new car.


Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.


Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.


Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!


Q: What's the diff between mother & wife?
A: One woman brings you into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.


Q: What's the difference between a good secretary and a personal secretary?
A: One says "Good morning, boss". The other says "It's morning, boss."


* Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal.


* Boss: We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.

[paulywogg]

Re: Abbers July 12-18 2020

Mae everybody, Mick I wish a storm would brew here, swear it hasn't rained since April! Makes it boring, I said right from the get go they should have just made masks mandatory, coulda made a small difference at least, PQ, yep that's me with the grill, sometimes I only want a few pieces of meat grilled so a little one would be much better for me, glad your PM(who's hot as hell btw) extended some funding, the unemployment here is gonna run out in a couple of weeks, dunno what people are gonna do especially if we go into lockdown again, hope they figure it out, Lav, so sweet of little grandson to vacuum for you what a doll, I started playing a new game on my phone, Lily's garden and now I know how these kids get sucked in! Addictive and I've already spent $15 getting lives and coins, I'm embarrassed much love to all and wishes for a great BF Wednesday for us all