Wednesday October 17th

[ducky]

Not so mods last night and feeling like crap. I am really pizzed at myself. I know that doesn't help though. I am going to get serious about this because I don't want to ruin my health. I am doing so much to improve it by exercising and eating right, then sabatoge myself with alcohol. Back on plan today.

Thanks for listening to my vent and hope everyone else is having a great Wednesday!

[bluesky]

Wednesday October 17th

Don't beat yourself up Ducky, yesterday is in the past, nothing you can do about it, today is another day. How is mods going anyhow??? (apart from yesterday of course). Glad to see that you are exercising and taking care of yourself (apart from yesterday of course)!

BS X

[Lorelei]

Wednesday October 17th

Morning All!

Ducky make sure to drink plenty of water today to rehydrate yourself. Think back on what set you off so you can figure out what to do when they come up again.

I met with my new therapist this morning. I have to say that I was more honest with this one than I was with the last one. Perhaps this means that I am more open to receiving help this time. This was the first time that I talked openly and honestly about my alcohol issues and it felt great. Next week we meet and go over my treatment plan for all of my various and sundry issues.

Thanks to everyone that was so supportive of me yesterday! I got a full nights sleep so I should be in a better spot today.

-lorelei

[ducky]

Wednesday October 17th

Glad to hear you are feeling better Lorelei. It does feel good to talk about the alcohol issue, doesn't it...

I am drinking away (water). I don't think it is one particular thing that set me off but I do tend to go overboard when we have a cocktail rather than wine. I guess it hits me fast, which then leads to pouring (secretly) a little bit more, which then hits me hard. My dh, who has no problem with alcohol, really likes to have a cocktail and talk at the end of the day. I think I need to stick with wine for a while.

I am making beef patties for his poker night, which is here tonight. I have been invited to a neighbor's to escape but I'd really rather watch tv and veg. I think I'll stop over for a bit to be polite and come back early.

Off to cook.

[ducky]

Wednesday October 17th

Thanks Bluesky, I am trying to just move forward. Mods has been going okay, but I still want to cut down and have more AF nights. Last night was the first time in a long while that I can't remember the end of the night, and that is BAD. I feel fine if I have a couple of glasses of wine, and maybe a third at a party that lasts a long time, but more than that and I suffer. I feel so great when I have no alcohol or just one or two glasses. I should remember that feeling.

How are you doing these days?

[cowgal]

Wednesday October 17th

Happy wed

I went AF for the first time in a week yesterday, over the edge in the weekend due to husband issues etc, NO EXCUSE though, I am determined to go at least til the weekend, if not through it AF, just to detox, lose water weight etc, just feel so much better that way.......

Ducky, it will get better, just get back into your mod routine and I am sure you will be fine, I have faith in that!!

For all yet to join, have a great day, and a big ole hug to you ALL!!!!!

:l :l :h

MA

[Lorelei]

Wednesday October 17th

ducky;210473 wrote: Glad to hear you are feeling better Lorelei. It does feel good to talk about the alcohol issue, doesn't it...

Yes it does Ducky....its no longer this dirty little secret I hide from people so they didn't look down on me. I had a conversation with my brother over the weekend and he had no idea that I had a problem. He congratulated me on recongnizing the issue and seeking help unlike our dad.

I have to credit MWO for helping me comfortable enough to talk about the issue with people I trust in my life. Everyone here has made me feel welcome and loved in a very unconditional way, something that I couldn't do for myself at all when I arrived here in April. I still have bouts of self loathing but hey they are getting less and less especially when I lay off the booze.

:l to everyone here at MWO

-lorelei

[Accountable for Me]

Wednesday October 17th

I am so glad you are feeling better today Lorelei. I was thinking this morning that maybe I came across too harsh in my posting last night. Sometimes when I re-read some of my posts I realize it can come across a bit too brash, when at the time, I am writing with a lot of compassion and am really meaning to be sympathetic.

Hello to all of the other Mods out there.

Ducky, I found back in the day when I was drinking the 'hard' stuff I tended to go way over board as to opposed to the wine where I could control it better. I hope you feel better soon!

[Lorelei]

Wednesday October 17th

Accountable for Me;210521 wrote: I am so glad you are feeling better today Lorelei. I was thinking this morning that maybe I came across too harsh in my posting last night. Sometimes when I re-read some of my posts I realize it can come across a bit too brash, when at the time, I am writing with a lot of compassion and am really meaning to be sympathetic.

AfM: I totally understood where you were coming from tho.... your advice is from the heart and experience. I've also had guys say things and not mean them. But I KNEW Jeff meant them, thats just the kind of person he is. We discussed many things including the great deal of emotional upheaval thats happened to me in the past few years. In many ways I could not discover who I truly was until my parents had passed away - I never found a way to untie those apron strings even though to many people I looked indepentdent. Its been two years for mom and almost a year and a half for dad. In many ways I'm still trying to solidify who I am.

-lorelei

[Accountable for Me]

Wednesday October 17th

Lorelei, I am so sorry for your loss. :l Of course you would still be feeling 'raw' after losing parents. I don't think the feeling ever goes away. I am a daddy's girl and will never cut the apron strings and when he passes on, I will be absolutely devastated.

I haven't lost a parent yet, but I wake up every morning waiting for that call about my mom. She has screeching high blood, had a mini-stroke last year due to being angry and hostile her whole life and has been drinking way too much the last 10+ years. She will be 58 in January and I pray every day for her. Heart disease runs rampant on her side of the family and her brother died of a massive heart attack at the age of 48. Her father passed away at a decent age almost 3 years ago, but has had quadriple bi-pass surgery a few years before that. Anyway... enough of my ramble.

I just want you to know again, I am soooo sorry. I hope Jeff comes around and gives you a call. In the interim, keep working on you. :h

[Lorelei]

Wednesday October 17th

The interesting thing is that my whole life we sort of planned for my father to die first. He started drinking heavier when his father passed away in 1979. I was 6 at the time so I have very little memory of dad as a sober guy. In 1985 dad's mom passed away and that was the start of a long downward spiral for him. By that time he had diabetes so the drinking took an extra toll on him. I never really had a concious relationship with him, because he was really into the beer by the time I had an awareness of what I was doing. In some ways I sort of wrote him off because he was going to kill himself with the beer anyway.
Meanwhile mom was a smoker, she loved her cigs. Dad used to smoke but then he quit cold turkey and could never understand why she couldn't quit. The would occasionally challenge each other to quit each of their vices, but it never amounted to much.
When I bought my house my mom would love to go with me to the home improvement store to imagine what she would do to her house after dad passed away. Two years later she had a massive heart attack which didn't kill her then but it did give her limited time. The doctor at the time gave her about 6 years. Three years after her heart attack mom was diagnosed with Igg Mutiple Myeloma, a rare cancer that affects the plasma cells. Although the cancer in the end did not kill her the treatment she went through did take its toll. In September of 2005 my mom passed away in hospice 3 days after her arrival.
After mom passed away I had to reforge a relationship with my dad 25 years too late. In time we came to understand each other better. My mothers death devestated him and since he never grieved properly for his parents my mom's death sunk him further into depression. He began drinking shortly after waking up but would try and hide it when we talked on the phone. Then one morning I called and he didn't answer. I was calling to get his weekly grocery list so I could shop for him. I waited for a bit and then called again. Then I got a call from my brother saying that dad was dead. He had a massive heart attack and fell out of bed, already dead. His head hit the floor so my brother found him in a pool of blood. Due to the circumstances we had to call the police to get the coroners offfice out. Of course they had to interview us, even though they knew no foul play was involved. My dad died the day before he was supposed to meet Jeff. It was Memorial day weekend so we had to make all the funeral arrangements the same day we found him because everything would be closed Sunday and Monday.

As I was going through all this I numbed out with the aid of our buddy Al.

[Accountable for Me]

Wednesday October 17th

Lorelei -- oh my. I don't know what to say. Thanks for sharing your story with us. Sometimes it is easier to get it out to understand the underlying issues for alcohol problems.

I am glad you are seeing a therapist. You must be in so much pain. I am also glad you found us. I am hoping we will be able to help you along in your recovery. I wish I could take away some of your pain. :l

[Lorelei]

Wednesday October 17th

You know what is interesting about that post is that I think it is the first time I've really laid it all out for me or anyone else to see. I mean I've given the gist of it to people but never really gone into so much detail. Perhaps I am now just becoming ready to deal with some long standing issues. I must admit that I'm sort of suprised at myself in that so much is pouring out of me at once. But hey, I'll take advantage of every opportunity to heal that presents itself.

:thanks:

-lorelei

[ducky]

Wednesday October 17th

Lorelei, so sorry for your losses. I lost both parents last year, within 2 months. Dad was the heavy drinker and mom the smoker too. (She drank but not as heavily as dad.) There were lots of issues I never cleared up with them and they definitely have had a big impact on who I am. It does take some sorting out but sounds like you are ready.

[Lorelei]

Wednesday October 17th

Ducky, sounds like you and I have some experiences we can share. I'm so sorry to hear about your folks, its hard enough to lose one; but two is devastating. Funny thing is you don't put some of the mess together until your further down the line. Who'd a thunk?