July 11

[Guest]

Thinking about Lorik this morning and about Mary Anne's thoughts yesterday about doing what's right for ourselves and not having to please everyone else . This is really a rough one for me. If I truly didn't give a crap about anyone else, I would not be here. I'd still be drinking as much as I wanted (I think) and feeling crummy every day. Sure, I had told myself "Self, you need to lose weight, feel better, etc.", but it wasn't until I was threatened with some SERIOUS consequences if I didn't get my act together that I did something.
So, in a way, it was for me, still. I wanted to keep my family, and my way of life, for pete's sake! I love my boys, of course, and have so much to live for! Just needed to get out of that rut. So I keep throwing dirt outta there every day . I'm DEFINTELY MILES away from that pathetic thing that came here back in Feb! Yippee!!

See RJ posted yesterday in the 60 and over GD section? Good points about it now always being easy every day and having to adjust... just feels good to know that like any diet or program or way of life, not every day is a cakewalk! The good days are great though, aren't they? Makes them easier to accomplish after the not-so-good-ones.

Another AF day for me yesterday. Upped topa to 125 for a little boost, so shall see how that goes. Really need July and Aug to be good, healthy months, despite the summer and fun and partying8) . Maybe more AF days, then if my topa dosage is up, the drinkin days will have smaller numbers on them!

Kathy, you have never had a blackout? Lucky. I was always glad to not have that video camera rolling.... people would say I was "funny" but I'd be like ("um, I don't remember that AT ALL") . ughhhh. BAD. And not ALL times were funny....

ANYHOW... have a great Tues. everyone. Hubby out of town tonight. I'll be around! Working today a bit. Then maybe the zoo? Maybe movies... never did get to "Cars" the other night- bad showing times. Thunderstorms predicted all week here.

Becca

[Guest]

July 11

Hey Becca,

I think that sometimes we may have to get started on a program for others because we're not motivated for ourselves. The important thing is that at some point, it does become our own thing. It seems to me that that has happened for you, and YOU'RE getting into it. In a way, too, you did do it for you, because you didn't want to lose your lifestyle and your family! But I do know what you mean.

I know for myself that what motivates my struggle is that I don't want to find myself with my daughter off at college in the fall of 2007 and me still struggling with drinking. I want to be making a NEW life for myself that doesn't have alcohol as its primary focus!!

I continue to struggle though. I'm fairly consistently drinking more and more often than I would like to. Not horrible, not sloppy, but not good enough either. I am trying not to be too hard on myself but keep striving to do what I need to do to get better. Listening to the hypno tapes more and even staying awake(YAY!) There is something inside of my that just isn't clicking quite right yet, but I'm not giving up! I'm going to keep on plugging.

I'm really looking forward to starting the new job, although that will take a few weeks to get rolling. I generally do better when I don't have too much unstructured time, so I know that that will help. With the slowness of the summer season (everyone wants to play, not go to therapy), I have too much time on my hands, and it is so easy for the "stinking thinking" to creep in

Anyway, have a good day all! I have dreamed up a new recipe for iced cucumber soup, and I want to try it out and see if it is a good as I am imagining it to be! If it turns out good, I'll post it under the recipes!

Love to all,
Kathy:d

[Guest]

July 11

July 11

Hi all,

Becca, I still think you are doing incredibly well. May not be your perfect place just yet . . . but you are working on it and I think you see your perfect place. Sometimes we need the influence of our children's needs etc to help us understand how special we are. (Part of how we define ourselves.) Now, you are doing it for yourself also since you have discovered how great you feel without all that alcohol.

Kathy - amazing to me no black outs. I understand completely about wanting to have a healthy life after your daughter goes off to college. Maybe part of what you should schedule right around that time is some special hobby or class yourself that you would enjoy that keeps you from drinking and brings your focus to you. As an empty nester - I found the first couple months tough - then a couple more months into it - I really liked it!! It goes to that defining ourselves as mothers. there is actually "us" inside all of that!

I am not sure but I think drinking is such a mental/emotional decision for me. there is where those CD's really help. got off from physical therapy last night and could hardly move my arm. Had to start with water as I was in the drink til I don't hurt mood. Had two drinks last night. Second one my husband made for me and it was more than a shot I am sure of that. Still had some in the glass this morning. CD player was acting up last night. Kathy you mentioned a pillow from Bed, Bath and Beyond? I think I will go check that out.

Hope you all have a great day. Wish my schedule wasn't so tight right now I really woudl like to stay on the boards and catch up on general discussions.

:d & :h
Mary

[Guest]

July 11

Hey All.
have been missing in action for a few days but have been thinking about you all.
I have had wine on 4 out of the past 5 nights and am not proud of it.I know I'm under stress with so many visitors at my house but that is still not an excuse. I'm feeling out of control but at least my mind is here. Otherwise I guess I wouldn't care how much I was drinking.I drank 4 glasses the other night and that would not be so bad if it had been spread out over the span of an entire evening that had been social and fun. However I drank 2 with dinner and then drank the other 2 in the kitchen by myself as I festered over how I perceived I was being taken advantage of by my family. I know that is not the way I want to drink.
So today will be AF and I look foward to reading all the posts I missed.
Good luck all today. Hopefully i can get back on tonight. I need the support.
Janet

[Guest]

July 11

Mornin all! It does seem such a fine line between being selfish...and selfless: I think you do need to be selfish with your time, to some degree; in order to be able to "be there" for others, when those times of strength, need;:h do come...

As far as people pleasing....:rolleyes God, I can't stand having someone mad at me! I feel like I need to resolve it immediatly! But I also know that doesn't always happen...:rolleyes ....Guess just do our best & take it from there... Maybe that's why I spend so much time alone (with my dog!)

My Hubby mentioned last night, that at the 4th of July party, I was getting "borderline"... Meaning, I was drinking too much wine(according to him)...:rolleyes He wasn't being mean about it, we were just talking about progress..etc & the past...
Anyway, he said I was talking so much, I wasn't letting other people get a word in....: Well, he should know me well enough to know, if I'm finally out at a party...around a bunch of friends & relatives... I don't need wine to talk!!(and duh... :rolleyes if I'm talkin' that much I guess I ain't drinking much now am I?)
I only had 4 glasses(the first one I gave away, because he finished his beer so fast & wanted to talk to someone-outside the "Beer Garden" perimeter...)lush!
I guess I'm sensitive to his "judments", when I feel like I'm doing pretty DAMN good! And I feel like he just doesn't quite see that. I'm almost tempted to start doing a dailey drink count of his/mine... and post it on the fridge!!:lol The truth is right there in the BEER CANS!:rollin
I know... we're not suppossed to do other's inventory...(but HE STARTED IT!)

[Guest]

July 11

hi to all

Hey there!
Happy Tuesday all you out there!! Had a bummer yesterday (drinking and otherwise! ) ........out to eat w/ family, always hard, then horse is lame w/ injury to both back legs....BAD!!! :c

ANYHOOO.....another day, another chance to do it again(the right way! : !)

Hope this finds you all doing well, and I cannot believe you have never had a blackout Kathy??!!

Mary Anne:h

[Guest]

July 11

Re: hi to all

Hey!
I love posting first sometimes, cuz then I get awesome feedback and can send :h right back atcha!
Kathy, you are right completely about starting cuz I had to, continuing cuz I want to! Good luck with the new job soon and with dealing with the unstructured time. Plugging is good! Glad you are staying awake for the hypno. Espresso working, huh?:lol
Mary, you are so sweet to keep giving me such awesome encouragement. You make me feel like a star! (see my purple star is gone now? ) I dunno about the perfect place. Probably no such thing. I'm happy to keep trying, and to have so many great days where I don't feel like a fatass and a mom who was so sluggish and .....BLAAAHHHH!!!!
Nevaahhhh mind!!>:
Janet, Glad to see you back. It's hard to clutch that glass and not cluggalug when you are so angry... I get that way with certain people in my life. Try to think maybe your being calm and level will make you more witty and able to deal with their nonsense than being slightly gonzo. That's how I'm trying to deal with it..... It doesn't always help, but sometimes it's a good tool! I think "If he/she can say--well YOU WERE DRUNK"--- that does not help my cause!! I hope things calm down for you. We love having you here!
Mary Anne, you just started. Be patient! Keep plugging. You have been very devoted here and given some awesome support. I KNOW you have made progress already. My start was rough. Very. It got much better! There was a while in feb/march where I was ave a drink a day or so. Even did 2 periods of abs. One was 11 days long--imagine that! Keep kickin sista. It does take diligence. Get to the 7,8pm hour. Then you don't wanna throw all those hrs of abs away . Do a couple more hrs, then hit the sack. Next thing you know, the sun is shining on tomorrow's hangover free day8)

JUDIE: Keep the Hubby drinking log. Better yet, Keep all his empty beer cans and stick 'em under his pillow. Geesh.
You HAVE been doing great, and don't you forget it. Is that the most you've had?? 4 drinks in any 1 day since you started 5 months ago??? SH*T!!! I'm sorry. I probably shouldn't be rewarding that kind of behavior on this type of forum, but if my purple star were still around, I'd give it to you in fair trade for your barbed wire mattress! You deserve it!

Have a good night, everyone here in modsville:d

[Guest]

July 11

Re: hi to all

Still with you all but feeling quite boring with nothing new to report. Still sticking to the 3 per day. I'm not saying it's easy-peasy but it is manageable. My hard time is the hour before my official starting time - that's when I try to get into chat and pass some time.

I figure I really "enjoy" those three. If I'd only ever drunk the drinks I actually "enjoyed" I wouldn't have got into this mess in the first place.

Who actually "enjoys" the 6/7/8th glass of wine/beer etc.?

Jude - re the hubby thing - I quietly watch his consumption and think to myself "Hey, that's another six I haven't had!" Makes me feel quite virtuous.

So, all's well in my little part of the world.

Tawny

[Guest]

July 11

Re: hi to all

Hello to all! Just got back from a day at the beach with my 3 boys, my sis and her 2 kids, and another sis from Indiana out for a visit with her 3 kids. Had a blast! Becca, by the way, my sis actually didn't have a clue I drank on July 4th like I thought....it was my paranoid mind. Have been abstaining since that day. July 4th was a block party day. A few neighbors invited me over for some wine. I imbibed and felt tremendous guilt over it. I was not smashed, just buzzed...but feel like i am constantly being judged by family members. Trying to change my thinking about this whole thing. Will give this moderation thing a chance...if not successful...i will def go back to abs. In the meantime, I am working on personal issues similar to AA...getting to the heart of the matter of many triggers. I will set myself strict guidelines as I cannot risk the drink-drive thing AT ALL!!! I can also not let drinking interfere with kid events. SO much to think about. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of this thread. Honesty has been lacking on my part in someways...I am one who has to spill the beans to feel settled in my heart. will keep in close contact....Gina

[Guest]

July 11

Re: hi to all

Hey again!

Becca, Thanks for all the words of encouragement!! they make my head swell, having an AF day today, so feel great!

Judie, keep a tab on him(hubby), I'll keep one on mine (he's hiding his from me tonight, but I know he is drinking, cuz I got the radar on!:lol ).........we don't fight too much about it, but it is an ongoing "inventory issue", it always will be I think.......we all have so many things in common!

You all are so strong, I know I will make it too...am only on 75 mg topa, get a little discouraged when I see the probs people are having (imagine I am having sore throat, acutally had one for a few days!........had wrist ank elbow, knee pain too.....that passed I think!?) OH well, I'll keep on truckin for a while and keep in touch w/you all!!

Mary, Kathy, Chrys, Gina.....I know I am leaving some of you out, accept apologies...........: :b

Good night:happy :P :h

Mary Anne:d

[Guest]

July 11

Re: hi to all

Sorry I cannot get into every one's posts just yet -- but wanted to check in. Today --thus far -- after a funerral & car trip -- 2 rum-gingerale -- Wow - was that refreshing in 95 degree weather -- BUT -- did not even have a craving -- that is kinda sad part as the reason is.. I jus t could not figure out what to do with myself once home. I fussed with my flowers. Now I am sipping wine spritzer & will go to sleep soon from emotional sorrow. But I may not & may have more wine - I do not know yet. I am pathetic how much I sleep ..but hoping coming off the topa ..I will be more peppy & get my energy/health back ...

[Guest]

July 11

Hi All!

Checking back in!!

Yes, believe it or not, I have never had a blackout!! Or perhaps I have, but I was too blacked out to notice I had one!:lol No, that is one way I have been fortunate, and I am grateful for that. I feel better for having shared some of my sense of discouragement this morning with everyone--it really does help!! I appreciate your kind words back.:d :d Also had a good therapy session today, and that helped as well.

Mary, the pillow from B,B and B plugs into the cd player, but if you have a Best Buy around, they have a good basic portable cd player for just $19.99 that you can plug it into, as well. I figure it's a good investment. I don't think I could abide sleeping with headphones on!! I also bought a set of rechargable batteries and a charger so I can always pop in a new set when the others wear down. It's a real help.

Hang in there, Janet!! I'm sorry that things are so stressful. Do your relatives understand much English??? Can you say mean things to them with a sweet expression on your face and get some of your anger out that way??? It could be very gratifying, but only if they REALLY don't understand what you are saying!!!:lol

Well, Judie, I don't believe in counting beans, but I don't think it would hurt to have some sense of what hubby's doing with his drinking too--just making sure the pot's not calling the kettle black here, ya know?? Even if you don't challenge him about it directly, it might save you from having your own feelings hurt if you know that he's not being quite the angel himself!!

I'm sorry about your lousy day Mary Anne, and espec about your horse. That makes me feel bad. I love animals and hate to see them hurting! Try not to get too worried about the topa, though, and just see how it works for you!! Everyone is different. Donna, who is over on the abs board, feels like it has worked so well for her, and she has experienced NONE of the problems that some people have had. Everyone is different!!!

I think we need to start a TV show named Everybody Loves Becca!

Tawny, you are making good points all around. The only good thing to be said about the 4th glass on is that if it is cheap stuff, you no longer care! And then, why bother??

Gina, you are SOOO welcome to be here and spill the beans in my eyes. I am glad that you are here and hope that we can be of use to you in your journey!

Chrysa, I hope you are sleeping now and don't even read this til tomorrow if at all. You've just been wrung out, my dear. Hang in and keep trying. If the topa isn't the answer, well you'll figure out something else. We just have to keep trying until we make it work.

My daughter fell in love with Boston University and Boston itself on her trip this weekend. Her time with her father and stepmother was not as gratifying, however, and I have gotten quite an earful in the last two days! She said that other than taking her around to colleges, they pretty much made her do what they wanted over the weekend, even though the weekend was supposed to be for her. I felt bad for her. He is such a schmuck!! I can see she is trying to love him and make excuses for him still....it is a process that she is going through. It is sad for her.

Anyway, I have written a freaking book here. I just wanted to let you all know also that my cucumber soup turned out well, if I may say so, and I posted the recipe on the recipe thread.

Hugs to all!
Kathy (In a better mood!)