happy early saturday morning or happy afternoon to everyone east of america which, i know, becomes america again with enough patience.
one of my cats is stretched out on my lap, her warm throat again my wrist. my animals are so comforting.
i have lapsed from my own goal of only drinking when planned and, then, moderately. not that i've been running through the streets of the city drunk ,but i have used alcohol to mitigate distressing feelings. i guess things have been happening at such a rate that i haven't been able to post since tuesday. the short of it: a deeply beloved family member went into the hospital for something that didn't kill him this time but the problem is not going away and he isn't in the best shape because of age, the worst part of my job reared its ugly head and re-evoked a lot of pain, and my newest friend, a platonic friend, and i have had a misunderstanding that is so painful to both of us that he suggested that we put our friendship on the back burner for awhile. in fact, i might have antagonized him to the point where he will unilaterally decide to end our friendship. this has not yet happened in my life unless it happened when i was a child and i'm not remembering it.
on the other hand, i've got wonderful children, a wide circle of stable, long-lasting friendships, excellent relationships with my inlaws . . . things that count for a lot. so don't take my self-pitying too seriously . . .
my friends would be so surprised about my drinking, though. so in that, i am alone. except here. and for that i am profoundly grateful to everyone.
i visited chat tonight but it seemed that someone was in a lot of distress and i really didn't get the context of it before i started to rant about what was going on in my own life. i also fear that i might have wondered into an exclusive room. i really don't know the ropes around here yet. my apologies to those that whose privacy i invaded if that was the case. i really hope that the person who was hurting is ok; moreover, i hope that i just misinterpreted what was going on.
i can be such a selfish person. i was "invited" to appear at a demonstration sunday against the genocide and brutality in another part of the world and even though i cried over the news this morning when i read what was happening, i don't know if i'm feeling intact enough to go. yet i know that i should do my best to be there.
anyway, i'm going to take a valium, something that i haven't done in a long time, and knock myself out.
best, e
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