Saturday Oct. 7th

[Guest]

Morning Weekend Muffins!
Sorry I didn't check in yesterday. I was tired, and had kind of gone overboard with the wine on Thursday night, so was feeling a bit sheepish, I believe. Better today. Was AF yesterday. Drink count for the week is less than half of what it has been for the last 2 months. And the last 2 months have been about 3/5ths of where I was before I started the program. Sure there's some ups and downs, but it's averages. Remember, I'm the one who keeps a log of every single drink. Every single day. Then totals them up at the end of every single wk. So tonight, I'd have to drink like 15plus glasses of wine tonight to be in the same neighborhood of where I've been drinking for the last while (weekly count), and that's simply not going to happen! Not on 150mg of topa! Hubby made awesome steaks last night for dinner and I even had a nice red wine open from the night before. I looked at it, even spun the bottle around a bit... then poured a diet coke. Weird.

Anyhow, how is everyone doing? Hang in there this weekend! Chili cook off for us tonight. That should be fun! yummy too. I still don't know if I'll do an entry, even though my chili kick's hubby's chili's a**:H :H .

About the other day when I said I had something to talk about... it was about hubby. He went on this little rant about how I'm "pushing him away" and I don't "need him anymore" in regards to my drinking. Seems that the better I get, the less I cry, the less I screw up, the fewer hangovers (!), the STRONGER and more independent I become and it's spilling over into other areas of my life. He's right. He even made the statement that "one day you'll wake up and find you just don't need me at all anymore". Now, this was going overboard a bit and was overly dramatic, but he's a sensitive guy. When I first started on this journey back in Feb, I cried and cried and he was just MAD and hurt and FED UP with me. He was of no help whatsoever. We were looking for divorce lawyers. I went to the doctor by myself. No support from my husband. He didn't even want to know. He didn't believe me that I would do anything. I signed up for my first half marathon. He blew it off.
Then I started DOING the stuff. Taking the supps. Running my butt off. Losing weight. Cutting the booze. Stopped crying. Getting determined.
So THEN he wanted to participate. THEN he wanted to start running with me. THEN he wanted to know about this website. WELL THEN I was like "SCREW YOU, I CAN DO IT MYSELF"
Am I making sense or am I rambling?
Guys, I try not to still have this attitude, but I think I'm still a bit resentful. Especially with the drinking. Perhaps not so much with other areas in my life, but if he dares mention my drinking, ie: "Becca, how much have you had to drink tonight???" it's like automatic daggers come out of my forehead. War. I CAN DO IT MYSELF.
Thoughts on this would be appreciated. I don't want to push him away. He has been EXTREMELY supportive after that initial few weeks of horror. You can't blame him. I put him through years of crap. Years of him asking me to get help and me telling him "I'm fine...".
The way I've dealt with it so far is to tell him that I had to find "My Way Out" and it's a personal thing. I love that he's here and supportive, but HE can't FIX my problem. I've found what I need and it's working. Don't feel badly that I don't need to have him babysit me anymore!! Think he's used to being the caregiver... Like Gina said, that whole co-dependency role, whether it be AA lingo or not, there may be some truth to it.

I went on and on. Sorry guys! Anyone else deal with this? Anyone else at this point??

Love ya,

[Waves 2]

Saturday Oct. 7th

I have read your post again, Becca, Perhaps it was because he didn't support you at first that you were so determined. Now, you don't want him to help because you are afraid he might spoil what you have got going. I think you are right to explain that it is your way out and that you have to do it your way. He will adjust to you changing I am sure. Any chap that will cook a nice meal for you can surely deal with a more independant wife. ( I hate cooking as you can see- perhaps I should ask Lush for some tips.)

[MKR]

Saturday Oct. 7th

Dear Becca and all mods,

I applaud you finding your way out. It is such a personal thing. I think maybe your husband is just afraid that you "needed" him before and he is questioning what happens to the relationship when there is not that "need." You could calm his fears by telling him, you are stronger now and do not "need" him in the ways you once did but what makes it sweeter is the way you "want" to be with him now. There is a huge difference.

Believe me I understand the resentment! It is a certain negativity they possess towards your growth and change. Remember this: it is not just the guy's journey - it is your journey to take and grow with also. You may politely point out to him that it would be sad if towards the end of your lives neither of you had ventured out into the world to conquer your demons or take on any personal growth. If you feel it, tell him you are happy he is taking interest in this part of your life and tell him why you feel resentful. I hear it is because he didn't believe in you until you proved to yourself that you were serious. I have a feeling he was afraid to see the changes.

Have I experienced anything like this? yes to a a degree . . . .LONG, LONG STORY!

We are all proud of you! Hang in there, and tell him the truth - You are growing!

The ballloons got up late this morning as it started to rain, they headed NE and I live directly West of the balloon field. Still beautiful though. Sky was full of clouds but on my way to work right in front of my road were rays of sunlight peaking through the clouds with 5 balloons backlit from the rays. Really quite surreal, especially with the hundreds of other balloons dotting the sky.

Back in again, two more logos and a brochure to take to the next phase, some invoicing and then I am outta here!

Have a wonderful weekend all mods!

Hugs and Love,
Mary

[MKR]

Saturday Oct. 7th

OOOPPPS! Judie, bet you won't be online here today but just want to say! YEAH! You did great!! Happy Anniversary to your parents!

Love,
Mary

[gabby]

Saturday Oct. 7th

Hope its ok if I hop in here. Certainly none of my business.... but they let me out for the weekend over there in Absville. I'm supposed to be at work tho. ssshhhhh

Becca, Just a thought....Not that I am stickin up for men here...but what if hubby see's how hard you are workin and how determined and serious you obviously are. And wants to be a part of your recovery and happiness. Maybe he is threatened by your growth...even tho is positive growth but it could be growth that could take you away from him...... Which was ok while things were goin sour but not ok now that you are blooming and becoming that woman that he fell in love with. And like most dopey men....he can't explain this to you. Maybe he doesn't even really know it himself.

Anyway...can you just sit him down and tell him what you want and need specifically reguarding this time that you are at your life...and see if he can accommodate that? Maybe he'll be relieved that he knows what to do and things can be better. Sometimes if ya just spell it out....well, big sigh...and they say we are the blonde ones????

Unless.....its to little to late which is what you have to ask yourself. Then a different road to take. Not as easy traveling tho.

Well off to work now. Happy Saturday All!

[Guest]

Saturday Oct. 7th

Dear Mary and Waves,
Thank you so much. That was very helpful! I couldn't wait to check back to the computer and see if anyone had responded! And such an awesome thoughtful long post from MKR (could I expect anything less???). Thank you. I'm going to read it again. The part about reminding him that it's not a matter of NEEDING him but of WANTING him in my life was expecially helpful. And about how important it is to grow and battle our demons. Ahhhh. What a great start to my saturday!

I did decide to make my Chili!! Off to my last Team in Training meeting before we all meet in San Fransisco!! How exciting. I probably can't check in til tomorrow.
I'll be more considerate about addressing everyone else probably Mon. when I've got some time off. As a general statement: EVERYONE, I love ya all and hope you have a beautiful weekend!
Stay strong! Do it for yourselves!
:l :h

[Quiescent]

Saturday Oct. 7th

I think Becca and Gabby were posting at the same time......

When I first told me husband that I thought I had a problem and I needed to get it under control, he was mad too. Honestly, I was surprised that he didn't think there was a problem. I suppose I was pretty good at hiding it, although I didn't think I was.

It must be like a grieving process because he, then too, tried to control my drinking and then gave up on that.

Before I said "I have a problem" there was never any talk about my drinking. He doesn't say "how much have you had to drink" but if I take issue with something after having a couple of drinks he will say "are you drunk?" Am I drunk?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???? ?????????????????????Did you really just ask me if I'm DRUNK!?!?!! He had never said that before to me EVER! So Now he decides to say it all the time. Oh my God Becca, it makes me want to spit fire in his face!:H

I think he resents me coming here to this place full of people that he doesn't know and that he thinks I don't know. I mean I'm getting all this support just sitting in front of my computer. I think I might be resentful too.....and it's hard for him because he doesn't know what to aim the resentment at.

RJ? You, Becca? Mojo Muppet? The computer? The "problem?" Who should he resent?

Yes, I believe that someone who says they do not have a drinking problem and then continues to support the drinking habbits of a problem drinker has some co dependancy issues?

We are both doing the best we can. I am commited to him, faults and all and I can only hope he is, likewise.

Sorry, it was supposed to be your rant

Dad is heading back to Cleveland :upset:

[gypsi]

Saturday Oct. 7th

Mornin' Muffins!
Chicken Soup for today -

As you navigate through life, there will be times when you will feel overwhelmed. When you do, it is important to take a step back and assess the situation, try to view it from another perspective.
The obstacles in your life will enable you to grow into the person you are meant to become.
-Karen Marie Arel

And -

Today, I can choose to celebrate what I do have -- or mourn what I don't. I choose to make today a celebration.
-Charmi Schroeder

Becca, reading your post this morning really rang bells with me. I, too, have a spouse that has a tendancy to not support me whenever I try new things. With your husband, it kinda sounds like at first he was scared - scared that you wouldn't succeed, and then later on scared that you would succeed. I don't know how many times you've tried to get sober before this time, but if there were other attempts that failed, that may have factored into his original attitude. Once he saw just how determined you were to make this work, maybe his fear turned into a fear that in your quest to make major changes in your life, he would end up being one of the major changes, and lose you. It sounds to me like you have an awesome husband that loves you very much, even if he was a little slow to get on your support wagon.

One of the things that I had to adjust to when I decided to start this program was to remember to include my husband in the process. I am much like you, have a tendancy to get an, "I can do it myself!" attitude, and I've learned that with something as huge as this, there is simply no such thing as doing it on your own. I need the support of friends and family to get it done, and so even though it's very difficult for me to do, I make sure that I talk with him on a regular basis and let him know what issues I'm dealing with/ working on. The fear of rejection is still very much there on both our parts, as my husband is also afraid that I'll find that I don't need him also, but the more I share my thoughts and feelings with him about this process, the easier it is to stay sober on the days I want to.

I'm sorry if I've overstepped my bounds, but I hope that you can find a happy medium with your spouse between the doing it yourself and his wanting to be part of the process.

[mojomuppet]

Saturday Oct. 7th

Becca,
I seem to be having the opposite problem. Hubby ignores it everytimes i bring it up to him. I think the only thing i got from him is "well dont do anything stupid"(ok i just drink myself to death is that ok). After thinking about this im sure that he is also concerned that him being in london and me being here and me suddenly changing a big part of my daily life is freaking him out. But at the same time i hear him say things like we are gonna have to make rules about going to pubs alone you cant do that here. Its like he cant hear me. Mojo honey i want you to have a good time you just have to be careful and not over do it. well mr mojo what the bloody hell you think im trying to do over here mate?(how did that sound?). falling on deaf ears, its crazy.The point is we dont like when our loves ones change its scarey same thing happens when new babies come, new freinds, new jobs ect ect... and if you think about we dont really like this in the beginning either. thats why so many of us have to keep tryin over and over. bottom line change sucks! I say give the man some love and compassion. then kindly explain personal jorney is kinda like religion must be taken alone. kindest way i can think to put it.( me i would like my hubby to ask):l

[Bookish]

Saturday Oct. 7th

When I started this program last February, my hubby was very unsupportive and didn't know why I would need something like this. I knew it was because he didn't want me telling him to cut down on his drinking. Anyway, I did not do very well at the time, I would listen to the hypno from time to time, but basically gave up.

After a horrible drunken incident at some friends house, I said enough, I have the tools, I can do this. And even though I was unable to patch things up with that friendship and we don't see those people anymore, my hubby still was unsupportive. I don't spend alot of time out here on the weekends, when I really need it because he accuses me of "chatting with all my boyfriends" I am making this sound like he is a real controlling jerk and he is a little, but he is great husband and father and my best friend. I can get past this stupidness because I know it is based on his fear that I will out grow him and stop loving him.

I'm the one who should be worried. He is almost 44, he just started a diet (which he needs) and he has been looking at convertibles. Ok, maybe I should be really worried.

Love you all,
Laura

[Bookish]

Saturday Oct. 7th

Just had an idea. I'll show him the picture of Pedro. That should shut him up.

[Quiescent]

Saturday Oct. 7th

:H :H :H :H Attached files [img]/converted_files/144895=60-attachment.jpg[/img]

[Bookish]

Saturday Oct. 7th

Thanks Rachele, those pictures you are doing are just great. I just enlarged Pedro and gosh is he bad! Opps, I mean I just made him bigger. Oh my, now that's even worse. :H

Laura

[dilayne]

Saturday Oct. 7th

Hi everybody!
Great topic! I've experienced similar things with my husband..there does seem to be some co-dependency in any kind of recovery..after all we do these little dances with our partners and they dance along with us..sometimes we meet each other in those dark places, filling voids for one another, when one person in a couple changes, it does throw the whole 'system' off, temporarily until a new form of relating is established. The same thing is happening in my marriage..it isn't completely centered around the alcohol, but it is a part of it..I had to create major space in between us in order to 'find my true self'...I moved to a separate bedroom for close to a year to do my soul searching...my husband has been very supportive of what I have had to do..he understood that it was a 'spiritual journey' and trusted that I wasn't going away..I made sure that he knew that and that it wasn't about him...now he is beginning to embark on his own journey..the space was good for us...I couldn't do what I needed to do if I was entangled with him. I've really tried to be conscious of reassuring him that whatever I do for my own well being will be good for the marriage...and at our age, it's just a natural stage (we're new, albeit young, empty nesters and redefining our whole lives together and our future...) we started drinking (after years of abstinence) when we embarked on this journey..guess because it's tough and it was a way to avoid the impending difficulty of change, but now, after a year of tossing the drinking issue back and forth, we are leveling out and finding solidity on new ground...Becca, be patient with yourself and with him...it's natural that things will feel out of kilter for a while.

I had only 2 beers last night..and 1 glass of wine (ok, is was a large glass, but only one) so feel good about that..drank my All One this morning and took my supplements the last 2 days, so feeling like I'm coming back to the zone!

Have a wonderful day lovelies...it's gorgeous here in Georgia...going to go gather some dry cleaning...(fun!)
ta ta,
d

[mary8305]

Saturday Oct. 7th

Hi everyone,It's been a strange week for me. very busy with work,tried to increase the topa and felt awfulso went back to 75 mg.I think I was getting greedy wanting more weight loss and just felt like drinking a little more but need to handle it differently.I almost feel like I have the flu when I try to increase it so I need to be more consistent with hypnotic tapes and the supplements.Last night I had three drinks and I keep trying to test it and I get the same result each time which has only been a couple times now but drinking more than two drinks seems to trigger a migraine for me and it's kind of ironic because they use topa for migraines.I end up wasting the whole next morning and it sucks.So need to be more careful but once in awhile would like to drink three but the good of it outways this.I was reading the threads about husbands and when I was in treatment many years ago my husband was encouraged to seek therapy to help him because of the changes that I would be going through.When one person's is getting healthy it's easy for the other one to feel left out and get left behind.Take care all,love, Mare