Thursday, October 19

[eustacia]

Blasted!

Where are all of my pals?

:durn: The Divine Miss E

[dilayne]

Thursday, October 19

Mornin' Muffin Glories (that includes you guys as well)
Day 2 AF. I started the day yesterday feeling really good but by last night I was feeling depressed..I don't know if it's the accumulation of the A of the last 2 weeks, or if it is the realization that I may have to make the decision to be abstinent in the near future and give up on the idea that I can moderate...OR, the effects of the topamax have kicked in..feeling a little down on it...anyway, something is up and I'm just a little tired of feeling tired about it all..the thing is that I've been in my therapy for a year now..I feel like I've gone to the underworld...that I've been wondering around in the depths of the unconscious and somehow have gotten lost there. When I think I've finally come up to the earthly plain again..returned to the world of the living, I'm reminded that my work is not done yet...It's amazing work, I've grown more in the last year than I have in the last 10 combined..at least that is how it feels..but somehow the cost of that growth feels really high..but it may be what I've been looking for...the cost is my false self..problem is, I'm clinging to it for dear life and have been wanting to use the A to numb the pain of the loss..I feel like limbs are being cut off....You know, for me..it's ALL a spiritual issue...I think it really just hit me last night that I may just not be able to have my cake and eat it too!

In the meantime...back on the topamax..even if at a low dose...staying AF with the boundaries set to weekends only..IF at all..and mentally preparing myself for the decision whether or not to commit to abstinence...the question of being able to is no big deal at all..I've done it before...for some reason, making the decision this time is bigger, more humbling...it means something much deeper than before..when I did it in AA..this time, I think to say no to A, means saying yes to giving up my false self...to being in the raw and allowing my whole self to come into the light....which scares the living hell out of me...hmmm, ironic isn't it? Now..why wouldn't I want the living hell out of me??? Question for the day?

Sorry to be so morose..but that is the depth of it for me today. thanks for being there...hope I'm not alone with this kind of thinking..otherwise I might think I really am going nuts!
Love you guys and gals!
d

[dilayne]

Thursday, October 19

Thanks Mike..somehow I thought you would!
Thanks for being here..it's been a gift!
Di

[InnerStrength]

Thursday, October 19

Dilayne
Makes peefect sense sweety
and by the way, I was depressed, highly irritable and very tired when I started the topa. I almost stopped taking it. Thank God it passed.
Love you
Jen

[InnerStrength]

Thursday, October 19

I now have a pic of hubby holding my baby cousin - snort - he would kill me if he knew that pic was there because he thinks its lame but i think its cute - LOL LOL!!!!!!!!!!!:H - oh my God, I cant leave it there for long cause I feel guilty!

[Quiescent]

Thursday, October 19

Jen I swear when I looked at it, I thought it was a skit from Mad TV with Will Ferrill and his Cheerleaders! (that was from Mad TV wasn't it?)

Dilayne, I totally and completely am in the same exact spot with you. And don't know if I like my whole self being exposed......it is very scary isn't it? We can do this........we are wonderful beautiful muffins:l

I'm feeling weapy agian.....I think it's PMS I love you guys:upset: :l :upset:

[Quiescent]

Thursday, October 19

:H :H :H :H

I'm really not loosing my mind.

[InnerStrength]

Thursday, October 19

Well Good morning everyone!
lovely Dilayne has given us a wonderful thought provoking topic to think about.
I also thought I would put another one out there too if everyone doesnt mind (something I have been thinking about) - do you mind, Dilayne?
So I was just thinking ....its Thursday morning, and I am feeling good, except I am starting to get that familiar excitement/anticipation coming on for the weekend - you know?
I used to associate that - almost purely - with - YAY - I get to drink freely, openly, fun fun fun!!!
Now, I have to think of weekends differently.
I have to say - the weeks of AF have not been hard since I have been at 200mg topa and since I have finally made the committment and the leap to do this. (Believe me, it took me a LONG time to make that leap). Honest, once I did that, it has been really ok with me.
It's the weekends that I still find hard - particularly, Friday night. I confessed to Lusch in a PM last weekend that I really really had a tough time last Friday. So tough a time that I was actually having a couversation with my husband on Friday evening, trying to convince him that it would be "ok" if we just had a few drinks. And I really believe that if he would have agreed, I might have done it. I dont know why - but I was deep into drinking territory. I mean, I had no problems Sun-Thurs. None. And then again even on Sat night - no problems. (dont know why). Friday nights have always been really hard for me.
So, I have come to realize that weekends must have been my 'real' mode of escape/party/fun - call it what you will - no matter what kind of week i had - I could always rely on my weekend to provide that escape from all of it. And now - I need to address how to address this. What am I running from?? Why the need to "escape"???
I guess my topic is - do you relate to this? And - why the need to escape?? What are the other modes of fun? or whatever it is that drinking provided for you that you were seeking?

I know its broad - let's just expore.
Love you all
Jen

[InnerStrength]

Thursday, October 19

Ha ha ha!!!! Rachele - you are so cute - my Avator is from Sat night live - the cheerleaders - i meant my profile pic is my hubby - sorry I should have been more clear. My Hubby REALLY would have killed me if I put up a picture of him performing a cheerleading routine!!! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry, I swear I am not laughing at you - I am laughing at the fact that I didnt make that clear - because people really could have thought I meant that the picture of the cheerleader guy was my husband!!! My husband would KILL ME!!!
Sorry I am in stitches!

[Quiescent]

Thursday, October 19

Okay.......I will be cracking up all day about this

Attached files [img]/converted_files/146617=117-attachment.jpg[/img]

[Quiescent]

Thursday, October 19

Hubby is cute.....baby is cute.

I was trying figure out why everyone in the picture had their leg up Attached files [img]/converted_files/146618=117-attachment.jpg[/img]

[InnerStrength]

Thursday, October 19

All I can say is thank God you said something - can you imagine everyone else being too polite to say anything perhaps?? - "um, thats great Jen" (thinking: Jen's husband is a cheerleader????") ---> mind you, would they be surprised???? probably not!!? CLASSIC - RA RA RA RA!!! One cheerleading family!!!! HAHAHAHHAAH!
LOL!!!!
Oh I am on the floor!

[lushy]

Thursday, October 19

Jen you and hubby are quite the sexy couple. Woo hee!!! Fan, you need to change your avatar hon. Cannot be a real picture of you anymore. Cannot wait to see what you come up with. I still want my stripper back!!!! Rachele, my daughter is now 8-1/2. Such a sweet, sweet age. She has her dad's temperant THANK GOD!!!! How old is yours?

Dilayne, I am sorry you are having such a tough time. I have been sort of ebbing and flowing, knowing abs would be the smartest thing for me in the long run, but not something I am willing to do since I have been moderating well. I think it is an extreme form of denial because, as you said, it is like thinking about cutting off a limb. It is such an integral part of us now. You are all giving me something to strive for, however, as it seems all of you are doing so many AF days. Jen, I forget what your plan is......30 days and then see? Fridays only? Do you think you could do just one day a week, but moderate only? Would that be that bad? I just don't know where your mindset is right now. Ahh, Am I going to be the only in mods land someday? Oh well, I will come up with multiple screen names, have multiple raunchy avatars and just have a ball!!!!

Okay, so my goal for today? To get two complete hours of work done before I check back on here. This is really getting bad. Hugs and a happy day to all of you!!! Wondering about those we have not heard from in a long time, Trish, Waves, Mary, Patti. Where is Patti?? XOXO

P.S. Jen how appropro (sp?) would it have been for you to be married to a cheerleader!!!!

[InnerStrength]

Thursday, October 19

Hey Lusch
My plan is 30 days abs and then I am going to see how I feel - might introduce some mod drinking weekends only (like one day - probably friday) as a treat. But if I was to feel it was going overboard in any way, right back to AF. My goal ultimately is to be able to enjoy a couple of drinks socially a day or two on the weekends you know...
Love ya
Jen

[lushy]

Thursday, October 19

Okay now I am really sad. My stripper has been removed from the selection. Darnit. Okay, so I will go with cherries. They are pretty and lush and, well, I am sure Fan can find something naughty about them.....Fan, why so quiet today? I think you should go for the tummyman avatar. That CRACKED ME UP!!!! Jen, go check it out. It's on page 25 of the avatars.