Unravelling the past to clear the way for the future

[DaisyAngel]

:new:

I have always been really concientious about my health, eat well and take regular exercise.
However I have been reaching for the bottle most evenings now for over 8 years and I am falling apart as a result. I cannot form lasting relationships, family relationships have broken down and my friends wont talk to me. this is not because I exhibit drunken behaviour or get drunk when I am with them. i am a secret drunk.
My mother drives me crazy and I can no longer be in her company, I used to be able to tolerate her, but I had to have a few wines to do this. I now would rather not bother as there is a lot of anger towards her from my childhood and she irritates the hell out of me.


I recently had an 11 day abstinence period whereby I felt great, lost a few pounds and was very positive about most aspects of my life. Then my mother showed up. I had not seen her for 3 months. She had left my house back then, slamming every door she could in her wake because I had asked her some stuff about my childhood. Stuff that, as usual she denies and cannot remember! 'Why do you always bring up the past?' is what she says.

Why do I bring up the past? I wanted some answers. Why did she hit me so much even when I was good, why she allowed my brother to hit me, why she blamed me for all the bad shit that happened in her life, why I was the little house maid whilst my siblings did nothing, why I was abandoned aged 12 whilst she ran off with my siblings. Why she put her social life above all else and blamed us bastard kids for ruining her life. She has never put any importance on our relationship and would constantly let me down as a child and even more so in adult life. Always turning up late is her favourite.

It would be fair to say that I have given up looking for a needle in a haystack with her. I have been advised by a counsellor to have time out from her, which is what i have been doing these past 3 months. I have not missed her at all and really enjoyed her not being about with her poisonous gossipy tongue and nosey manner.
Why is she such a trigger to my demise into alcoholism?

I have had so much counselling, NLP and hypnotherapy but still I cannot shake off this omen that haunts me.

I am hoping that I can find some answers, help and support here.4

[Pride before Fall]

Unravelling the past to clear the way for the future

Welcome, DA. I took 3 years off from my mother (her modus operandi was to call each morning, weepily asking if I loved her, and telling me she was going to kill herself if I didn't take care of her. And no, she doesn't drink!). She let me son down a few times (he was 5 at the time), saying she was coming over and not showing up, and that was it.

It changed our relationship almost completely. When I had my 3rd child, she showed up on my doorstep telling me she was going to know her granddaughter, and I said, "Here are the ground rules." She doesn't pull the crap on me that she continues to pull on my brothers. In fact, she's sometimes even, dare I say it(?), helpful.

I do believe some people are just too plain toxic to have around at all, however, and you don't have to feel guilty cutting them loose because they're relatives. It was her choice to have you, not yours to be born to her. As for 'ruining her life,' sounds more to me like she's unhappy with her life and jealous of yours. "But mothers don't do that!" Oh yes, they do.

If you are so much happier not being around her, you have no obligation to let her continue to shite on you. Giving birth is pretty much out of our hands; it's gonna happen whether we want it to or not. Mothering is a choice, and this woman dropped the ball, bigtime. I'm with your counselor here!

Take care of yourself!

Pride, your sister in whack moms and secret drunkenness

[kslc2001]

Unravelling the past to clear the way for the future

I'm with Pride on this one too.

Some relationships, even with family are toxic. Would you put up with a friend or significant other treating you like that? That is my approach when others insist that i make amends with my family. I have spent 15 years on and off with various different therapists, and not one has advised me to contact my mother. It certainly sounds like you need some space and time away from her to make a decision

Hope that helps, I feel for you