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**Allie** · November 2, 2006, 10:45 AM

Thursday November 2nd

Good morning everyone~
I'll go ahead and say right off the bat that I've been dreading this post because I made a promise to myself that I would be honest. I've made a lot of promises to myself that I have broken, so the fact that my fingers are hitting the keys right now is a good thing.

Bottom line -- I'm in a really, really tough place right now. I realize that I put forth a lot of energy and yes, masks sometimes even here at the very place that I wish I could completely take it off. But my nature is to always say the right thing to my own detriment, and only when I get in dire straights do I show a little side of the real me. I am kind of happy-go-lucky most of the time, but not right now, and havent been for a while. With the help of my husband and some others, I have been able to see that I have "put on" the nurse outtift and taken on the task of fixing everyone but myself. I see its true, but I dont know any other way to stifle the pain. I am referring much to what I am going through in my immediate family and with my Mom. I have actually been in denial about how she is really doing because she has not been having much side effects from all the chemo and radiation. But yesterday I spent almost all day with her. I took her to her radiation treatment, then we went out to lunch and just jabbered away and it was great. Then she asked if we could stop by "Bath and Body Works" because today would be her last radiation treatment, and she wanted to buy some gifts for the nurses. So of course we are bopping around in the store smelling everything and squirting lotion everywhere. Well, on the way out to the car she almost fainted. We were just walking and talking and all the sudden, I just noticed she didnt look right. I helped her to the car and took her home, and of course she said she was fine. Well I got home and just lost it. Totally lost it. So I pulled myself together because I had to cook dinner and my sister was coming over to return something and I had this HUGE meeting to go to at 7 p.m. at my daughter's school, which was mandatory for parents of juniors and sensiors. They brought in a college board panel to answer a bunch of questions and launch us out on the college search. It was a great meeting, but I could hardly sit through it. My husband went too, and after it was over at nine, I asked him if we could stop somewhere and have a drink. He said okay, but we would not stay long. So we went to this quaint little pub downtown near the school and I had three glasses of red wine, and my husband was getting aggravated when I ordered the third. Understandably. Meanwhile, I had not told him anything about my Mom. So on the way home, I was quiet and he asked me if I was okay. Have you ever had a dam burst when someone asks you that? I think the tears literally FLEW out of my eyes like missles determined to break the windshield! I spilled my guts for the next ten minutes while he held my hand and listened. Then he told me he was starting to get worried about me again with the drinking, and that I was using it as a crutch again to bury my pain. I know its true, I just didnt want anyone else to know it.

So on the last part of the way home, he told me that he had signed up at "physician's weight loss" that morning and committed to lose 40 pounds by the end of January. He told me that he could not have any wine on the diet, and he asked me if I would help him meet his goal by not having any in the house, and in turn he would do everything he could to help me reach some goals of my own during this time as well. I know I have to do this. I have been walking the fence. I dont know if I CAN do this, but I have to try.

One of the hardest realizations I have to accept as part of this process, is that RIGHT NOW, coming here everyday is hurting me because it is focusing too much on it. Its not that I plan to ecnore it, quite the contrary. But I just find that especially at night, I want to have a glass of wine when I get on this site; whether its to post, read or chat. It makes me want to drink. My husband also told me that it has been hard for him to see me glued to this website and the computer while the rest of the family feels neglected. Again, he is right. I have to resolve ahead of time what my decisions are going to be, because I just cant make the right ones after a certain point.

I plan to work this program harder than ever, because right now I am so depressed and down about EVERYTHING that I cant even eat. I am almost physically sick from the mental anguish that I am in. But I just wanted to say that I need to turn off my computer and not touch it for a while. I need to go through some pain to get myself in a healthier place. So I didnt want you guys to think I fell off the earth or anything, but I am just choosing to "go away" for a while because I need to get my focus on other things. I hope this makes sense, and I apologize for the novel. Thanks to each and every one of you for all of your encouragement and support, and I will be back at some point, hopefully with a MUCH better report!

Love to you all,
Allie

**Quiescent** · November 2, 2006, 10:54 AM

Thursday November 2nd

Allie,

You have to take care of yourself in whatever way works for you. I want to support you in your decision to find what that is.

I know when I had to go away on a trip it seemed like I had been away forever and when I wanted to come back I felt guilty that I hadn't been here to support anyone and was coming back to get support for myself. As soon as I put my post up my fears were laid to rest by the people that I knew were really going to be there for me.

I just want you to know if and when you're ready......I'll be here for you.

You and your family are in my prayers daily and will stay there.

I've learned so much from you...thank you for sharing with me.....I love you Allie!:l :h :l :h

**lushy** · November 2, 2006, 11:07 AM

Thursday November 2nd

Allie, I am sitting her with tears in my eyes. I am really, really sad for all you are going through and it sounds like you have thought long and hard about this. I love your spirit and hope that you will not be gone for long. I wish you nothing but happiness.

Rachele, your question reminded me that I wrote a letter to myself of where I want to be in six months, and I think I wrote it two months ago. The time goes so fast and I feel as if I am nowhere near the goals I set out for myself in the letter. I wanted to be AF Monday through Thursday with no more than 3-4 glasses on the weekend nights. I wanted a new job. I wanted to have lost 15 pounds. I wanted to be exercising three times a week. So far, I have lost five pounds but I feel no closer to the other goals. For boring reasons I won't go into I was not AF last night so my 20 days begins this evening. I, like you, have no idea how I will get through Friday night. Why is that? It is just another day. I finally fessed up to my therapist yesterday about my drinking problem and she was very supportive. We just need to ingore our brain whining at us. I wish you well with your Saturday night. This getting dark at 4:00 in the afternoon does not help matters either.

To all of the rest of you, new and old, have a great Thursday!!!!

**InnerStrength** · November 2, 2006, 11:08 AM

Thursday November 2nd

We will miss you allie - check in whenever you feel like its right for you. We will miss you so much but you MUST do whats best for you.
Love and hugs
Jen

C · November 2, 2006, 11:22 AM

Thursday November 2nd

It makes perfect sense Allie. I understand completely about needing to step away from the boards & chat. I have the same reaction. It actually makes me want to drink. Thank you for sharing this. It has helped me be more clear about myself and that I am not totally different.

Best of luck to you Dear. With taking care of your Mom, etc you probably won't even feel like drinking. I personally think your dear hubby is a little hard on you though.

Your mother is in my prayers. I went through the same thing with my Mom years ago. You'll make it. You are strong.

Luv, Chrysa

**InnerStrength** · November 2, 2006, 11:35 AM

Thursday November 2nd

Allie and chrys - for what its worth - i also know what you mean - thats why i sometimes stay away from the site a little more in the evenings - makes it a bit harder for me too....but i still LOVE you guys

**Quiescent** · November 2, 2006, 11:39 AM

Thursday November 2nd

Hey Lush,

Thanks for your support and encouragement the other day, I really needed it!

I posted a little something for us in "what we believe"

Today is a new day...........

Attached files [img]/converted_files/152608=165-attachment.jpg[/img]

**lushy** · November 2, 2006, 11:55 AM

Thursday November 2nd

Aww, look how cute we are hugging. Thanks for reminding me of that verse again. We CAN do this.

**dilayne** · November 2, 2006, 11:55 AM

Thursday November 2nd

Hello dears! Allie (Big Hugs) Trust your heart!
Lush, my therapist and spiritual director both were really great about my drinking issue..I went into both relationships letting them know that it was something that I wanted to deal with. They never gave me any advice on how to handle it...they just accepted it..accepted what I needed to talk about it and accepted what I chose to do about it..including the MWO when I did. That really meant a lot..they just help a huge amount of compassion for me which I think I took on by osmosis..I've made it a real point to be compassionate with myself and to not be hard on myself, or the judge myself. Be gently on yourselves Loves, that is a HUGE big step!

A year from now I hope to be really having fun with my art..just playing with it and enJOYing it..playing the games out there to be played, not taking it too seriously and making a buck or two in the process.

I hope to have developed a better exercise regime that is nature related..taking lots of walks and incorporating yoga and meditation into my daily life.

I'm feeling good about everything else in my life right now..things that I invisioned..or held a vision for HAVE manifested..to a greater extent than I even imagined then..my relationship with my husband has made a miraculous turn..finally..and we've reached a level of intimacy that I could only dream of a year ago..a lot of hard work, but it happened, so I have developed a trust that whatever I invision today WILL manifest tomorrow..it can't help but!

Big Hugs to everyone..and remember, be loving and kind to yourself..you are exactly where you are supposed to be..just be with it..hear it, feel it, know it..I really believe that once you can do that on some level, that you'll be able to move to the next, then the next, then the next!

**Saint Jude** · November 2, 2006, 12:04 PM

Thursday November 2nd

Allie, you're such an inspiration to me. You take as long as you need & you know we will be right here whenever you feel like droping in...:h
You know how to reach me as well...

Lets see ... one year from now...

I'd like to see myself, about 10 lbs lighter
10 years younger (looking)
40 years wiser...
house paid off
financially independant
oh heck..while I'm at it.. 4 inches taller!
perfect teeth!
less serious...Ha Ha!..

more compassionate
more energetic
more spiritual
I was gonna say more in Love... but I've got a pretty good one!:wd: :h

**Ivygoodluck** · November 2, 2006, 12:18 PM

Thursday November 2nd

Allie, dear,

Let me join in and say be your own best friend. Love yourself.

And yes, sometimes reading the boards actually makes me drink more! Puts the stuff in the brain I guess.

Good luck!
Ivy

**Ivygoodluck** · November 2, 2006, 12:19 PM

Thursday November 2nd

Hii All,

How do I get myself on drink tracker?

**Mighty Mouse II** · November 2, 2006, 12:21 PM

Thursday November 2nd

Allie, may I also add my caring wishes for you in hopes that you find peace. Try not to blame yourself or feel that the problem right now is a result of your drinking. Your anguish over your Mom is natural, it is real, and it has nothing to do with alcohol. It also sounds like you have a child who may be going off to college -- that is also stressful. I know, my son is in 12th grade also. It is only natural that you would want to resort to something that we have all here come to think of as a method of support - wine. Don't beat yourself up. I am glad that you have a supportive husband, and of course, we all understand and agree with you that you should turn to him if he has requested that of you, especially when it sounds like that is the right thing for you. I haven't known you long, but I have come to care a great deal for you and everyone on this forum. I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors. I, too, like everyone else will be here if you need us.

Good luck,
MM

**lushy** · November 2, 2006, 12:27 PM

Thursday November 2nd

Ivy, go to tools under the miscellaneous section on the homepage. And then you log in with your name and password.........

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